02x11 - Love Is Hell

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hey! ♪

The bride has arrived.

No way.

Let the wedding begin!

- What?
- What a beautiful dress!

- So chic.
- You don't usually see white in Hell.

And I love her clutch.

That's my friend's face.

Come on, come on!

- Restrain her, Gomer.
- Gomer is here?

Shut up, everyone!
Shut up! Stop the organ!

My daughter is tired
from her long elevator trip.

We're just going to adjust
her makeup and be right back.

I am not wearing makeup.

- Quit shoving!
- Quit writhing.

Quit poking!

I'll pull your face off!

She's always been feisty...

...ever since she was a little girl.

Now, stay put.

Screw you.

Why are you always
running away from your weddings?

Now, stop wiggling.
Let me cover up those spots.

They're freckles.

Leave my cheeks alone.

Your stupid schemes
have nothing to do with me.

Oh, they have everything to do with you.

Every twist and turn
in your ridiculous life, that was all me.

I've overseen every detail
right down to the place settings.

Goodbye, Luci.

I don't know what that useless
dead demon saw in you anyway, Bean.

Bean?

Whoa!

Bridesmaids, stop her!

Try take off your heels!

Shut up.

Luci, welcome to paradise.

This is great news.

You are the first demon ever
to earn a place in Heaven.

- And the first kitty cat, too.
- There are no cats in Heaven.

Uh... Meow.

Nice try, Luci.

You're here because you sacrificed
yourself to save your good friend Bean.

Sure she ended up in Hell, but cheer up!

I know you're gonna love this place,
even if it takes ten million years.

Oh, Go...

Ah, happy sobbing. Wonderful!

That's what feeds the River of Joy.

If it makes you feel any better, this is
exactly what happened to me at my wedding.

Minus the handcuffs.

Most moms don't chain up their daughters.

I can't believe you're sassing me
on the happiest day of my life.

Ah, here we go.

So that's the game
we're going to play, eh?

You will look beautiful.

Ah...

Gomer!

Get me more lipstick.

And don't test it this time.

Never mind. I'll do it myself.

And some concealer.
You have a lot to conceal.

Don't go anywhere, darling.

Oh, Luci.

I'm so sorry your head got chopped off.

I always thought your
nonstop negativity was a coping mechanism.

But now, I see
you were right from the beginning.

I am cursed
from the deepest depths of the underworld.

You didn't think I was listening, did you?

Wha...

My tear, it brought you back to life.

It didn't bring me back to life,
it just annoyed me.

Ah, it's so good to hear your voice, Luci.

But listen, I really need your help.

Bean, look, I don't know
how much longer I'm going to last.

I can't feel my legs. Do I even have legs?

What happened to my sexy body?

Be honest.

Does this headless cadaver
make my ass look big?

Knock it off, Toby.
That demon is one of the saviors.

Look at the wall, you nitwit.

It would've gone
so well with my rat-fur miniskirt.

We must revitalize the sacred torso.

- Get the goo, Benji.
- Get your own goo.

Give it the goo!

Ooh!

Goo, goo! Goo, goo, goo!

Aw!

Ooh, it's brunch time.

I'm excited for you to try
my deviled egg sandwiches.

I made them with love and mayonnaise.

But we don't even need food up here.

You're just rubbing in the faces
of the starving millions.

The sooner they starve,
the sooner they'll be in Heaven.

Ooh, that is harsh. High five.

I got another question for you.

Go ahead. I enjoy these stumpers.

Okay then. Did you make you?

No. I always was.

Then you didn't make everything.

Oh, Jerry.

It's going to take an eternity
to make you understand eternity.

Okay. What about this?

Is God everywhere?

Yes, I am everywhere.

Then you're in the toilet looking up?

What would you say
if I told you yes?

Yes, I am.

I seen you in there.

I'd say God lurks in mysterious ways.

Luci, just because
I love all my creations,

doesn't mean I care what you think.

Secret elf meeting is starting. I repeat,
the secret elf meeting is starting.

By now, I'm sure you've all
heard the crazy rumors.

I knew it. The squirrels are back.

- Ooh!
- Quiet.

The uneasy peace between the elves
and the squirrels remains unbroken.

Tell 'em, Leavo.

We're talking about what I left
Elfwood for all those years ago.

I found it here, deep inside the castle.

- The very thing.
- The very thing.

That's it? That's your big reveal?

- What a bunch of horse...
- Oh, let me finish.

Get ready, Shocko.

For now, it can be told.

Dreamland itself is the legendary
lost homeland of the elves.

Shocko?

He's dead.

Oh, good.
I've been sleeping with his wife.

Ooh!

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes. There's still much to be learned
about our forgotten elven history.

We must be smart like dwarves,
and sneaky like squirrels.

We must not let the humans
find out what we know until it's time.

As per usual, in these situations,
Blabbo, you'll have to be arrested.

Guards! Lock him away.

In the future,
just don't invite me to these things.

Where's my boy Elfo?

He was taken away by ogres.

- What?
- Calm down, calm down.

You calling me
a lying hair-trigger rageaholic?

I didn't call you anything.

Well, I'm the only lying hair-trigger
rageaholic standing here.

- Are we there yet?
- No.

Are we there yet?

If you say,
"Are we there yet," one more time,

I'll stop this cage right now and eat you.

Are you annoyed yet? I didn't say "there."

God damn it, I warned you!

Stop. I'll be good.

I'm back here.

I can't believe that worked.

Oh, I guess I should probably run.

Gnomes? Are you guys still...

Busy. We're at w*r here.

Listen, guys,
I don't want to cause trouble,

but the ogres are coming.

This is gonna be good.

And that's why
I only answer every 25th prayer.

Well, why do we have to pray anyways?
You already know what we need.

If I just gave you everything
you wanted without even asking,

that wouldn't be fair, now, would it?

You let lots of unfair things happen.

Right now down on Earth, an innocent fly
is being eaten by a hungry spider.

People get athlete's foot,
and they ain't even athletes.

Hmm...

I guess
a god this greedy can't be all bad.

And what about Bean?
Everybody's forgotten about her.

She's in Hell, and that's no fair.

Oh, Jerry,
I don't intervene in that stuff.

Except bunnies.
I give them a little bit of an edge.

I can't help it, they're so cute.

But otherwise, the troubles of Earth
are for humans to sort out.

Jerry's a human, I think.

Hey.

Yeah. If Jerry is a human,
you could send Jerry down to Earth.

No. Every time I send someone
down to Earth to make things better,

another religion starts up,
and a lot of people get slaughtered.

I don't want to make things better.

I just want to save Bean.

Come on, God.

He's right, Goddo. Take a chance.

Ta-da!

And flip.

What? He's flipping a coin?

Oh, existence makes sense now.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

All right, Jerry, are you ready?

Not yet. I just have one more question.

Where did you...

Now, Luci, I heard some
rustling noises in my treasure chest.

Is there anything you'd like to confess?

Luci? Luci? Luci?

What's up, Jerry?

Oh, Luci in the sky with diamonds.

I'm a g*dd*mn genius.

This is hopeless.

In a few minutes,
I'm going to be Satan's wife.

You got it the wrong way around, girl.

Satan's going to be your husband.

- What does that mean?
- Bean, listen to me.

In every bar fight,
you throw the first punch.

Get tossed in a plague pit, you crawl out,
b*rned at the stake and still alive.

You even went to Hell and back.

Let's face it. You're impossible.

Trust me, I'm your personal demon,
and I'm terrified of you.

Aw!

Listen to me, Bean, if there's anyone
who can out-Satan Satan, it's you.

I don't know. You really think so?

I know so, you crazy bitch.

Luci? Luci?

Those are your dying words?

Jerry's back, and Jerry's front.

I don't have a body.

Help! Get me into a bottle right now!

Oh, don't fade away, kitty cat.

A bottle, Jerry.

My lucky hammer.

Last time I saw you,
you were stuck in the back of my head.

Quick, empty the bottle.

Oh, chunky.

"Expired"?

Oh, finish it.

Where is everybody?

Cloyd? Becky? Joey?

They're all gone.

Hey, we gotta get the hell down
to Hell. Can we go already?

What's the holdup, Jer? Jump!

Mmm...

Jer. Jerry.

This is really scary.
Do you mind if I soothe myself?

No. Go ahead.

Ow!

- Oh, hello.
- Wrong room, pal.

Pardon me.

Do you need help with those manacles?

No, I'm good.

Well, it would be unbecoming of me to
marry someone who's chained up like this.

What?

Only the best for my boot-wearing bride.

Oh, you're the guy.

I'm the guy.

Wow. Wow.

I got to be honest with you.

I was a little nervous
about this wedding, but now...

- Hello, good-looking!
- What?

You are so handsome. Look at you.

Are you talking to me?

I am. Look at those eyes.

Yes, hypnotic, aren't they?

I can actually will the pupils to swirl.

Whoa!

They're like little spinning beach balls.

- Oh.
- Look at that widow's peak,

those high cheekbones,
that fiery red complexion.

I mean, you look like one of those
little guys on a hot sauce bottle.

Do you always talk this much?

You're hilarious.

But seriously, getting a closer look
at your face, I do love it.

I do. But the goatee...

Ah...

- My goatee?
- I mean, it's great.

But it's kind of pointy, like, maybe we
could think about changing up the shape.

It's sort of a trademark.

Mmm, I do get that,
but I think we should lose it.

- "We"?
- I really, really, really do.

I mean, I'm being honest now,
if we're going to be together,

you're gonna have to
accept this kind of honesty.

And, yeah, we gotta lose the goatee, babe.

Listen, how do you feel
about throw pillows?

There really aren't
any throw pillows in Hell.

- Not yet.
- Oh, boy.

This is gonna be incredible
'cause most people,

when they get married,
it ends when you die.

But with us, we're in it for eternity.

Just you and me.

Forever and ever and ever.

That's a long time.

Oh, and mandatory
marriage counseling for you.

You're really emotionally shut down.

I don't know if anyone's ever said that
to you before, but here we are.

You need to dig deep from within and
figure out what's really holding you back

'cause I think you are
ambitious to a certain extent,

but I think you're really all about work.

And I think you need to really
figure out who you are.

- Ah, yeah.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, and one more thing.

Eternal monogamy,
and that includes everything.

So sex, thoughts, daydreams, fantasies,
uh, reenactments, uh, cosplay, doodles.

If I catch you doodling
any sort of sexual behavior,

oh, you don't even want to see me.

I'm going to bury myself in all of our
throw pillows, and it is going to be bad.

You think this is Hell? Just wait.

Don't listen to her.

She's trying reverse psychology.

Oh, yes.

The old out-Sataning Satan gambit.

Of course, I was one step
ahead of her the whole time.

No, you weren't, you liar.

Nice try, daughter dear,
but it's time to close the deal.

Yay! Oh...

Yow!

Oh, no.

This is something you don't see every day.

Double genocide.

Hey.

What the... Hey. Doink, doink.

Well, here we go. Oh!

We gotta figure out a way to find Bean
without anyone knowing we're here.

I've got an idea.

- Jerry.
- Bean!

- No. Jerry, turn around. Idiot.
- Bean!

- Jerry.
- Didn't work.

- Just get me. Come on.
- Luci.

- Where you going?
- I'm helpless.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

What are you thinking, baldy?

I wish I could slap you.

This is hard to see through...

I can't... It's so heavy.

Oh...

Whoa!

Wow! Oh, this is disgusting.

Ah, finally.

Whoa!

Oh...

Oh, it's so slimy in here.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Ow!

Whee!

I'm free!

Ow!

Where's your body, Duncan?

Duncan can't
talk right now.

Ah!

Who are all these people?

- Your friends, Bean.
- I have friends here?

Well, all the people you've k*lled.

Hansel and Gretel,
that was self-defense.

Guysbert, that was an accident.

Skybert...

Oh, I would definitely k*ll him again.

The debt to Hell is about to be repaid.

Welcome to
the deepest depths of the underworld.

It's good to see you all again so soon.

On this most auspicious day
of unholy matrimony,

we are gathered here to celebrate

the 50,000th wedding
of our Lord and Master,

the Prince of Evil, the Sultan of Sulfur,
the Bastard from Beaverton,

the man with a golden pitchfork.

That's right.

I'm talking about Satan!

- Excuse us.
- When is the buffet?

Shut up, you two.

I think this
legally binding contract puts it best.

"The infernal debt shall be repaid
by marriage of the Queen of Dreamland

to the King of Hell."

"Consummation encouraged,
but not required."

Oh, my God. You manipulated everything.

All so I would become queen of Dreamland?

It seems only fitting
that you fill my shoes,

or in your case, overfill them.

And now, the gross part.

Hold out your palms.

And now, Satan, behold this impressive
ceremonial dagger. You know the drill.

The blood stamp of the King of Hell.

Me.

- And now my turn?
- Not so fast. Give me that.

She can't be trusted.

Don't do it, Mom.

- Ha!
- Ow!

No!

The blood stamp of the Queen of Dreamland!

Ha! Ho!

What? No hug?

- Seize...
- Silence! I'll handle this.

Seize her!

Thanks, Gomer.

Are you okay?

I'm great.

Jerry, Luci!
What are you doing here?

We brought you a sandwich, but I ate it.

Bean, what did you do to make them so mad?

They're throwing giant can openers at us.

Bean, have you seen my body?

No, but I've got your severed head
jammed in my dress.

Noice!

Guys, head for that Hell hole!

All right. Okay, this will
take us back to Dreamland.

Oh...

Come on, come on, come on!

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Juanita Demonheimer.

We meet again.

Damn you, Juanita!

Thank God we're home. I need a drink.

- I need a body.
- I need a haircut.

Ooh, swanky. I like Dweamland. Oh!

It's pronounced Dreamland,
and this isn't it.

Curse you, Squalid Squirrel.

You're really
in for it now, Bucktooth Beaver.