02x12 - The Good, The Bad, and the Bum-Bum

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hey! ♪

I'm Squalid Squirrel.

Listen
to that annoying voice.

It's the squirrel of my dreams.

Huh, just when I thought
I had you figured out.

Ah, the joy of cartoons.

But this is utter lunacy,
skeletons can't dance.

Unless...

I love cartoons.

It's like real life but for simpletons.

Shush it. Just enjoy it.

Bean, come out.

And I'm gonna guess
your name is Moose? Fancy a beer?

- Yes.
- No.

- Yes.
- Maybe later.

- Yes.
- Okay, yes.

But first, you tell me
why the elevator from Hell

goes straight to your office.

What's your connection to Hell,
and where is that beer?

I lied. There is no beer.

I lied again.

Of course, there's beer,
but you can't have any.

Jerry, hammer.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Ugh! Those bulbs are expensive
and sold separately.

Start talking, Alva.

I want names, dates,
three beers and a bowl of nuts.

Ow!

My knuckles.

Why are we sneaking around?

Queen want little jerk all to herself.

Maybe she's hungry.

She can't eat me.

I'm a passionate thinking being
with hopes and dreams.

And I haven't
finished writing my epic novel.

The hero is named Elfis.

Shut up and start basting yourself.

This is exactly like chapter 32.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
but I'm allergic to apples.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Over there.

I'll belch for you when I'm done.

Ah, there you are.

Damn elf shoes
betray me every time.

Shank! Shank! Shank!

Please, spare me.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Now, tell me who you are. Go on.

- What?
- Say it.

I don't follow you.

Hi. I'm...

I'm... trying to understand
what's happening.

Oh, I know you're gonna say it.
It's right on the tip of your tongue.

- Hi, I'm...
- Elfo?

Hi, I'm Elfo?

- And I'm your mama.
- What?

Oh...

Big girl like you? No way.

Then why would you want to eat me?

Oh, I don't want to eat you.
I want you to eat.

Look, I brought your favorite food.

Anchovies in mustard sauce.

Oh, my God.

Only my therapist, my pizza delivery boy
or my mother would know that.

You are my mother.

But I thought you were dead.

I thought you were dead
until your girlfriend said your name.

You mean Bean?

Oh, we have an open relationship.
We agreed to see other species.

Well, you're Mama's boy now.

But we've got to keep it a secret.

Don't worry. I'm never going to let
anyone take you away from me again.

- Give me that.
- Brock, that's no ordinary elf.

What is it with you and elves, Grogda?

This little runt k*lled nine of my
bravest and least effective guards.

You know the rules. We k*ll him at dawn.

What? No!

No!

Hmm?

Hmm?

Bean was here.

What crummy handwriting.

Oh...

Before there's any unnecessary
clobbering, I want you to know,

I realize I made a mistake.

I really dig you,
but I can't make you love me.

That's good 'cause I don't even like you.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Good one, Bean.

Cool chair but don't act coy.

It's my latest invention.

The ass chariot. Care to take a spin?

Knock it off. What do you know about Hell?

We're neighbors, that's all.
You don't get to choose your neighbors.

Yes, that's it.

Besides, Hell puts the steam in Steamland.

Everyone knows that.
Geothermal chambers and all.

What the amusement
park ride said, remember?

The ride did not mention Hell.

Steamland and Hell. We have a deal.

I don't believe you know Satan.

Charming chap. Surprisingly debonair.

What does he look like?

Red face, little horns,
lovely high cheekbones, pointy goatee.

You're just looking
at that hot sauce bottle.

- What color are his eyes?
- Swirling beach balls.

So, you do know him.

Okay, but wait a sec.
You do not make a deal with the devil

and just go about your life.

La-di-da-di-da-di-da.

Jerry!

I thought we were singing.

Maybe the good people
of Steamland would like to know

about your deal with Satan, huh?

I'm gonna tell everyone your stience
is powered by hellfire and damnation.

And I'm gonna tell Satan
what you said about his mother.

But I didn't say anything.

It's actually what I said,
but I'm gonna tell him you said it.

Bean, I'm not too good
at reading social signals,

but you look beautiful when you're angry.

Hold me back, Jerry.

- Hold me back, Jerry!
- I'm holding you back.

Don't let me hit him 'cause I'll hit him.

- She'll hit you.
- Be careful!

Do not come at us!

Okay, calm down, Bean.

Oh, looks like the wrong thing to say.

Listen, I want to win
your trust back and not get hit.

To show you my intentions are pure...

- Yeah, pure lust, you perv.
- Lust?

Bean, look at me.

It's midnight,
and I'm sitting alone watching cartoons

and eating bean dip from a can.

You can trust me.

I'll prove it to you right now.
I'll take you home.

The biggest airship
in all of Steamland.

I felt compelled to build it
for reasons mysterious to me.

I call it, "The Compensator."

To Dreamland we go!

And along the way, Bean,
you'll see something

that will prove science
combined with magic

can take us beyond our wildest dreams.

- Ow!
- Jerry!

He was talking too much.

Let's b*at it.

You'd think Alva would've
invented guard rails.

Oh, look at all them bugs.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to sleep
before they k*ll me in the morning.

Don't tell me what to do.

Quiet, you knucklehead!

Pops, you're rescuing me?

Not anymore, you dead-brain chatterbox.

What's wrong with you?

You don't even know when it's time
to use your yap or take a nap.

Pops, how did you find me?
What are you doing here? Don't hit me.

Oh, I got a real story for you.

- So, pull up a stool, boy.
- There are no stools in here.

I wish I had a stool.
I'd cave your head in.

Turns out I'm the real reason
you are here. You see...

No, I know. And I have so many questions.

Like, why do you talk like that?

Shut up!

It all started way back
before you were interrupting everyone.

Oh! So, never.

You sure you don't have a stool?

I was a traveling salesman
with the Elfwood Candy Company.

I left Elfwood with my best friend,

a giant dog named Barko.

I could sell anything to anyone,
anywhere at any time.

Anywho, I made a lot of folks happy,

and a lot more folks fat.

Met some colorful characters in my day.

Wow!

Guten tag, stranger.

- I'm Gretel.
- And I'm Hansel, creep.

Well, hello, obese kids.
Is your parents home?

- Nein.
- Nein.

We ate them.

Well, it sounds like two little chub tubs
have earned their dessert.

Mmm...

Seems there were
a few lonely ladies out there

who wanted something
more substantial than candy.

And I ain't talking about flapjacks,

unless you're talking
about undoing my flap, Jack.

Yes, I get it.

Can we please steer the story away
from this uncomfortable area

and back to me, please, Pops?

Well, there was one gal who stood
head and shoulders above the rest.

And not just because
she was so freakishly tall.

Hey, you ever dream about
having relations with a mighty sequoia?

She were a princess.

Heh. We both like
big ol' princesses, eh, Elfo?

Ooh-wee!

Yes, Pops. Just get on with it.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah!

Ooh-wee!

Pops!

Anyways, we met-cute
on the outskirts of Ogreland.

Me driving my candy wagon,

her just coming back from shopping.

It was love at first sight...

...for one of us.

But us elves don't ever give up.

Except for Quito. That's all he ever did!

But Stabo got him. He got him good.

- Pops...
- But like I was saying...

Me and Barko waited every day
with a different candy.

But no luck.

Then I hit on it.

It weren't me, it were the candy.

Ogres don't dig sweets.

So, I whipped up
a special flavor just for her.

Sour it was. Just enough
to give your mouth a pucker.

Ah...

Pucker up, we did.

Oh, Grogda!

Oh, Young Pops!

From that day on,
I was her candy man.

We kept things on the down low
'cause her parents wouldn't approve.

Turns out, neither did her
cuss-ugly boyfriend.

Well, sir, you'll never guess
what happened next.

Oh, yeah!

Please, skip ahead.

What are you, a prude?
You don't like to think about...

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Pops!

Well, well, what's it say?

- A blue line.
- Holy moly!

Either you're pregnant
or that candy cane is rotten.

We knew there was no future for us
in Ogreland except for death.

So, we waited till nightfall.

Then, I gave the signal.

Ugh!

Oh!

Look at him go.

Oh!

Glad that ain't me.

I couldn't bring Grogda to Elfwood,

and we sure as heck couldn't
go back to Ogreland.

So, we made a happy home with the flies

and the mosquitoes
and the scorpions of the jungle.

We hid in the trees
from the most vicious creatures around.

Gnomes!

Hup! Hup! Hup!

Oh, she was the love of my life.

Had me flying high.

It wasn't long after this
that you came along.

Look at him, Pops.

Yeah, I'll love him, anyway.

You was a real scamp.

Always getting into mischief
like your old man.

Look at me, Daddy Elfo.

That's nice, boy,
but my name is Pops.

You call me Daddy Elfo again,
and I'll slap you on the bum-bum.

Every time I said that,
you shut up but good.

Oh, I wanted to name you Scampo

or Spunko or Spanko or Stinko...

...but your mom wouldn't have it.

She wanted you
to be proud of being part elf.

Go on, tell me who you are.

Hi, I'm Elfo.

Hi, Elfo.

Say it again.

- Hi, I'm Elfo.
- Again.

Stop. Stop. Stop!

Stop it!

♪ Elfo, my baby, sleep safe in our home ♪

♪ Dream of great battles
And murdering gnomes ♪

♪ Life can be scary, life is unfair ♪

♪ When you feel alone
Your mom will be there ♪

Wow, I'm kind of starting to make sense.

Eh, not to me, you ain't.

You was always off
in your own world, God bless you.

Even on that fateful day.

Huh?

Hey! That's my diaper, you thief!

It looked hopeless,
but you never gave up.

You take Elfo and hide.

I'll meet you
back at the treehouse.

Oh, my boy.

What I'm about to tell you
is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.

- I love you?
- Hell no!

Got to save something for my deathbed.

It's about what happened to your mama.

What is it?

Your mom was
a powerful, big warrior.

Unfortunately, she was also
a powerful, big target.

- No!
- Quiet.

Don't make me smack you on the bum-bum.

Oh!

Ow!

Mama!

Hmm?

Hmm.

- They was onto us, the gnomes.
- Because of me.

Of course, because of you!

Don't know
where you learnt to talk so much.

- Uh...
- Now, as I was saying...

Oh, them's my britches,
you sons of b*tches.

Sons of b*tches!

Daddy Elfo! Daddy Elfo!

Are the flaming monkeys okay?

Our home was gone,

so I took you back to Elfwood,
the only safe place I knew.

And rest her soul,
that was the last I saw your mother.

Until now.

- Grogda?
- Oh, Pops.

I never thought this day would come.

I thought you was dead.
The gnomes k*lled you.

I seen it... The blood.
Flaming arrow right in your heart.

- Pops, it was you that saved me.
- I did?

Things were going great.
I was even having a little fun.

The arrow didn't hit my heart.

It hit the candy box.

And that wasn't blood.

It was sour cherry syrup.

I ran as fast as I could.

Pops? Little Elfo? Barko?

It can't be!

Oh, Elfo! Oh, Pops!

The monkeys.

I dusted myself off,
went back to my old life in Ogreland

and married Brock.

But not a day went by that I didn't
think of my little jungle boys.

Aw!

I've been dreaming of this moment forever.

And now that you're here, Mom and Dad...

Wow.

It feels so weird to say that.

Mom. Dad.

Mom...

Dad...

Mom...

Dad... Whoa!

This is shaping up
to be a pretty good Monday.

Time for death.

- Grab the elf!
- Stop, Brock.

He's not just an elf.

He's my son
and a member of the royal line.

You cannot k*ll the heir to the throne.

But what about me, Mom?

I your son. I next in line for king.

Oh, my God. Junior!

You're my brother!

Me know this elf. Me challenge.

We fight to death.

No, Junior, honey.

You may be queen,
but a challenge has been made.

You want me to fight my brother?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Piece of cake.

That's my request for my last meal.

Dating is really hard when you're a demon.

All the good ones
are either possessed, undead,

or run away the second I open my mouth.

There was one guy
who had real potential, though.

His name was Porky,
and he was so handsome.

But he never talked about his feelings
or really talked at all.

Hey, Luci?

It's me, Stacianne LeBlatt.

We had that date
in the guano cave, remember?

Uh, you look different somehow.

I know what it is. You got wings!

Do you still make that adorable noise?

Hah! That's the one.

Look at that majestic flock of birds.

Isn't nature beautiful?

Oh!

What the hell?

Wait. Stop! That's my body!

Oh!

Gotcha!

Oh, this one's feeling frisky.

Okay, I'll do the soul. You get the head.

One, two, three.

Wow, I do have a nice butt.

- Not bad.
- Whoa!

Welcome back, friend.

Sorry. I'll fix it.

No, no, no. Jerry, hammer down.

I'm good. Really.

Lefty-loosey, tighty-righty.

Ta-da!

Mom, you've got to help me.

I'm so sorry, Elfo. This is all I can do.

Your weapons from the jungle.

Oh, my toy daggers.

What am I, three? Jesus Christ.

What? No, I love 'em.
They're great. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.
Yeah, I'll put 'em in my, um, bookshelf

of things that I never need or look at.

Hey, son, if it's any consolation,

I got great seats!

Yami, hit the gong.

Come on, Junior.
You're pummeling like a gnome.

We shouldn't be fighting.

- We're brothers.
- Brothers always fight.

Time-honored trope.

But not to the death.

You s*ab me eye with Kn*fe.

Ruin art career.

Your work was derivative, Junior.

Now, k*ll him!

I try, Dad!

Stop yelling me!

Come on, Junior. Earn my love.

What?

Attaboy.

I always knew you couldn't do it,
but you showed me.

This fight is over. No one needs to die.

Yes, they do. Rules are rules.

But he's your son.

Not anymore.
He's a big old disappointment.

k*ll him already.

Please no s*ab face.

I don't wanna hurt you, Junior.

I wanna help you. You're family.

That's my wimp.

Put it back. Put it back!

And the big brother
protects his little brother,

even if he is way bigger.

Quick, Junior.
Take advantage of his compassion.

k*ll the elf now!

No. Elfo right.

Me no k*ll nobody.

Throw w*apon away.

What? Who I k*ll?

Don't worry about it. Just some jerk.

It Dad, wasn't it?

Hmm. Me happy now.

Chasing brother
better than k*lling brother.

I'll make it easy for you.

I just farted.

Looks like the boys
are having good, clean fun.

How's about you and me don't.

Oh, there's something
you don't see every day.

A wrinkled old elf humping an ogre.

Elf? Where?

Elfo, we'll save you!

Elfo!

I'm standing perfectly still, dum-dum.

Elfo!

Boy, where are you going?

Hey, Pops.
We'll swing around and get you next.

No, that's okay, girlie.

I like it here.

What's going on?

Just some of
Elfo's buddies. He'll be fine.

It's sour candy, just like you like it.

Two decades old.

Aw, they're stuck together
in a clump, just like you and me.

Elfo! Elfo!