02x15 - The Pitter-Patter of Little Feet

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Disenchantment". Aired: August 17, 2018 –; present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Series follows the misadventures of hard-drinking young princess Bean, her feisty elf companion Elfo and personal demon Luci.
Post Reply

02x15 - The Pitter-Patter of Little Feet

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Hey! ♪

Run faster
and stop rubbing your head!

But there's a lump,
and it hurts when I rub it.

Hand prop
the airscrew, Cloyd.

Ow!

The airflow.

Spyglass.

Those bastards,
they're stealing the escape pod we stole.

Come on, up.

Ugh, up.

Ugh, up.

Perfect.

Light me, Luci.

Don't you love it when people
plummet screaming into the ocean

and burst into
a ball of fire? I know I do.

6:45 a.m. and all
is finally well with Dreamland!

For now!

Beanie, what are you doing up so early?

It's not even noon.

I'm a changed woman, Pops.

- Your breakfast, Your Majesty.
- Mmm.

Eh, we've both changed.

I found my inside voice again.

And my come-hither voice.

Hello, sexy throne.

- I...
- Oh, sorry.

- I thought... Totally.
- I just thought... You're queen.

- You're king.
- Oh, for God's sake.

You can't both be ruler.

- That's a great idea, three eyes.
- We'll rule together.

But, Majesties, think of the confusion.

Whose favor does one curry,
whose boot does one lick,

or the ass of whom does one kiss?

Everyone's asses.

You ought to have a field day, Odval.

What do you say, Queenie Beanie, 50-50?

Put her there!

And let nothing come between us.

Hmm!

Freckles! Oh, I missed you, little buddy.

You was the only one who stuck up for me

during my
acute psychotic break when I was all...

Dad, um, it's just a puppet.

Wha... Oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I know Freckles ain't real.

But sometimes it feels like
he's been alive this whole time.

But, Dad, we both know he's just
a useless lump of dead wood, right?

The only deadwood
I see here is that hack Sorcerio.

He's a little sneak.

Unlike my precious Freckles.

Oh, I wish you was real.

Excellent, Your Half-ajesty.

Dispose of this little bastard.
And tidy up your lab while you're at it,

it smells like
rotting flesh and candy corn.

Oh, it's so hard to get rid
of the smell of candy corn.

Hmm.

I'll tell you what, Dad,
why don't you take the helm today?

What the... Who stabbed these holes
through the back of the throne?

I thought Mom was sitting there.

Say no more.

I k*lled Cloyd and Becky, by the way.

That's nice.

Hmm?

Don't throw
Freckles down the chute.

- Who said that?
- It's me, your conscience.

Yeah, that's it.

If you're my conscience,
then what's my deepest sorrow?

That you'll never be loved.

But if I could bring Freckles to life,
everyone would love me.

That's using the ol' pea-brain.

I am a genius.

I wouldn't go that far.

Let's see.
"Poisons, potions, pudding."

Ah! Here we are.
"Puppets. Bringing to life..." Hmm.

I have a question. When do I get paid?

You are an intern, damn it!

You're lucky we don't b*at you.

You do b*at me.

No, we don't. Remind me to b*at you later.

- I won't.
- That's two beatings.

- I still won't.
- Three beatings.

- You'll forget.
- Four beatings.

- Stop talking about beatings.
- Ha-ha.

I'm going to get
my b*ating stick right now.

- Five beatings.
- All right.

Look at him, Jerry.

Look at him lying there on that slab.

Just a lifeless piece of wood.

But tonight, all that changes.

Now, Jerry, get cranking.

Hmm...

It's rusty.

This is it, Jerry.

Hold my hand.

Okay. But I'm clammy.

Uh-oh.

It's alive.

God damn you to Hell, Sorcerio!

It's alive!

Ow!

Take that, you bastard!

♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪

You gotta admit you kind of deserved that.

All right, who's next?

Yoohoo!

Is that you, Freckles?

You bet your fat ass it is.

Yeah. Your wish came true.

Now start clapping
while I make my astonishing entrance.

Ta-da!

Oh, Freckles, this is
beyond my wildest dreams.

Drunk or sober.

It's all due to that
goofy-looking wizard over there.

One minute I was doing nothing,

then zippity-zing-zaparuni!

I'm alive!

Wait a second.
Sorcerio brought you to life?

He's not a wizard, he's what happens
when you sit in the tub too long.

But I did it. Jerry saw me.

And I see you now, too.

In light of this show of competence,
might Sorcerio be forgiven

for his decades of bumbling and treachery?

Hell, I'll do better than that.

Give him another star sticker, Mop Girl.

I'm Broom Girl now.

Ooh! Pardon me, Your Majesty.

Sorcerio, I hereby elevate you

to Grand Sorcerer of Dreamland.

And perhaps a small raise.

Or I could have you beheaded.

Who is this guy? I like him.

I like parades.

That's it! Let's have one of them
stupid parades to celebrate everything.

Tomorrow morning.

Elfo, can you go into town
and, uh, invite the elves?

You all know each other, right?

Okay, that's pretty r*cist.

But yes, we do all know each other.

Anyway, the elves are having
a top-secret midnight meeting tonight,

so they'll be sleeping in.

You won't miss 'em, Zøg.

Their high-pitched voices
are really, really annoying.

Calm down. Shut your wee mouths.

We all know that
Dreamland Castle is rightfully ours,

as is what lies beneath.

Then what are we
waiting for, fellow elves?

Why don't we just go grab this stuff?

We can't because of the curse.

But once the royal øg line reaches its end

and the curse is broken,

whoever controls the throne,
controls the special stuff.

Your words, not mine.

Now to separate Zøg and Beanie,

I'll inv*de their dreams
like a g*dd*mn genie.

God, I'm creepy.

Boy, everybody is so happy in Dreamland.

The local yokels, the royal yokels, me.

Eh, not Bean. She's all mad and lonely.

Shut up, Freckles!

Holy mackerel!
You're floundering over there.

Your love life is completely underwater.

You're looking for love
in all the wrong fishes.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but it's always
a zing with you, ain't it?

Dad, don't encourage him.
It'll just give him ideas.

Hey, that gives me an idea.

How about we wrap up
Bean's pity party here

with a roast of you, Zøg?

What do you mean, "a roast"?

Ooh, ooh, I know, a comedy roast.

It's me being insulted
by today's sharpest comedic minds.

It's like when you toss a guy in a pit
and throw rocks down on him.

But instead of rocks, it's jokes,

and instead of screaming,
there's laughter.

But you hate being teased.

The last guy who teased you,
you threw in a pit.

And then you filled the pit with boulders.

That was the old me.

No longer a man of rocks.
I'm a man of peace.

Okay, but then, what are you doing
with those boulders?

Never mind about those.

Good evening,
nobles and numbskulls.

Tonight, we're here
to poke fun at King Zøg,

and I want to start by
thanking him for making it so easy.

Let's face it.
We all know why Zøg became king.

The job of village idiot was taken.

Our first comedian
is no stranger to being insulted.

Elfo the elf.

Uh...

Okay.

I'm sort of new at this, so...

- Can it. I...
- All right, that was Elfo, everybody.

No, I haven't even started.

- Zøg, right?
- No, that's not... You just burped.

That's not fair.

- You had your time.
- No, I didn't.

You had your time. It was
a very funny joke and we all laughed.

- No...
- So, Zøg!

- No...
- My man!

Excuse me. I'm sorry. If I could
just get your attention, please.

I'm in the middle of my set right now.
You're interrupting my flow.

That's... Okay. Hi, I'm Elfo.

- I thought that'd hit a little harder...
- Right. Okay, that was Elfo, everybody.

No, that's not... Nuh-uh. I'm not...

The seven o'clock show is completely
different than the ten o'clock show.

- That's us...
- Come on back.

I've got a tight 50 minutes, so...

- And the clock...
- All right. You'll do it later.

- All right, guys.
- No.

- If you're driving, don't drink...
- Excuse me!

Let me finish!

Whoa, okay.

So, I'm gonna start again.

Hi. I'm Elfo.

Okay. I thought maybe
the second time 'cause, you know...

- Okay...
- So, Zøg, right?

I mean, this guy, he's like...

Doesn't Zøg kind of sound like
he's drowning or he's choking on soup?

- Boo!
- What you be booing me for?

- I don't know.
- This is solid material.

- Boo!
- You can't boo me.

Can you guys please not do this on stage?

If you want to come down, you can do it.

It's getting
really embarrassing right now.

No, this is a roast.

- We're roasting each other.
- I know.

But if you're gonna fight
back and forth, do it separately.

Come up here for the comedy.

Okay. Somebody had a bad set.

I'm not trying to do a set.

I'm gonna step back down
'cause I'm not trying to

prove myself in some masculine way.

Okay. The queen of comedy is
chiming in like she knows what's up.

- Let's hear your one-liners.
- Yeah.

- I don't have any.
- Hey, so, Bean, right?

It's like, "What is she? A vegetable?"

Ho!

- Nailed it.
- Beans.

What is this? Ironic hipster comedy?

Somebody get me a fat joke.

Sorry. We're just...
And then we're working up to a bit. Uh...

Yikes! Meet me at midnight.

Get Dinky first.

I don't want to
put any notions in your head,

but if I was you,
I wouldn't trust Bean no more.

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

Please don't throw that boulder.

This was not the makeover I had in mind.

Bean's so predictable.

One, she's gonna come over here.

Two, she's gonna say, "Shut up, Freckles."

Three, she's gonna say you're crazy.

And four, she's gonna try and stop you
from throwing that boulder.

- Hey, Dad.
- One.

- Shut up, Freckles!
- Two.

- So, crazy night, huh?
- Three.

- Dad, please put the boulder down.
- Four!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
from the bottom of my heart.

This has been my best and only
complete performance ever.

Oh, no!

- Okay, I got rid of Beanie.
- What?

Well, I mean,
she ain't gonna bother you no more.

Now, if we could get into your past,
we could see what's really troubling you.

I don't know.

My motto is I leave my brain alone,
and it leaves me alone.

Why the hell would I want to do that?

So I could find what I want.

I mean, so I can probe you
for your repressed memories.

Yeah.

Oh, you just close your eyes, Zøggy.

♪ Sleep, little king ♪

♪ It's not hard to do ♪

♪ But I'd be careful if I was you ♪

♪ The things you hide
While you're wide awake ♪

♪ Stand out in your dreams for me to ♪

♪ Take ♪

Oh, no...

Repressed memories!

Oh, Freckles. Thank God you woke me up.

I was having a nightmare.

What? The kitchen ran out of butter?

No, it was about my childhood.

The kitchen ran out of pizza?

Quit joking around. This is serious.

Come on, let's take a walk.

Or, in your case, a waddle.

You're having nightmares
'cause you repress your memories

instead of sharing 'em
with good friends like me.

Freckles, your good friend.

Uh, I guess I haven't had anyone
I can really share with

since my big brother Yøg.

My big brother Yøg!
That's me and Yøg there.

Wait a minute.
This is still a g*dd*mn dream, ain't it?

Nothing gets by you, eh, professor?

Now, shut up and let's see why
this is locked away in your brain.

Look out, poor people!
Spoiled brats coming through!

Little trivia. One of these races is how
Old Man Touchy lost his eyes.

Somebody invent brakes, quick!

- Yøg's hurt!
- Yøg!

Yøg!

Oh, guess they only
care about the heir, not the spare.

- I don't like this dream no more.
- Me, neither.

Let's skip ahead to your puberty.
That's where the good stuff starts.

Uh-oh...

♪ Zøge Maria ♪

Ah, your brother Yøg
may become king of Dreamland,

but you, young Zøg,
will soon become king of the castrati.

Yes!

On to the royal recital!

Boys, this is where a dad
gives his sons words of encouragement.

Yøg, you're perfect.

Zøg, try not to
disappointment me this time.

I'll try, Daddy.

Hmm?

♪ Zøge Maria... ♪

Either his testicles go, or I do.

Cut them off!

No.

Stop murmuring at me.

I'm a delicate flower over here.

Thank God. I'm finally awake.

Wait a minute. Left ball, right ball.

Phew!

I can't be dreaming no more.

I'll just stay awake forever.

Hey, where the hell
do you think you're going?

I gotta find Bean.

I can't treat her
the way my dad treated me.

Hey, Bean. Bean.

Bean? Hey. Huh?

Did I wake you up?

Oh, you can't sleep either.

What's going on, Dad?

I had another nightmare,

but not the one where I get pulled
underwater by little bug-eyed fish people.

It's a whole new type of dream
where I think I'm awake,

but I'm not.

Oh, Dad, I get it completely.

You dread even closing your eyes, right?

Yeah.

- And you want me to stay awake with you?
- Could you?

Oh, Freckles, how do you always know
when I'm having a bad dream?

I don't know.

Maybe it's your distinct combination
of snoring and screaming!

Uh, it's this castle.
Something about it intensifies dreams.

And I ain't a guy
who should be intensified.

So, let's get you out of the castle.

♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪

You sure this is safe?

Would I lead you astray?

Hey, I see me.

Yeah, unfortunately, I do, too.

Eee!

Nobody loves me. They all love Yøg.

Aw, sorry, fella.

I didn't mean to
kick you when you're down.

Believe me, I know how that feels.

There. You're free.

Come on. Go! Get!

What's wrong with you, huh?
You need some help?

Uh...

Thanks for freeing my friend,
but you didn't have to carry him.

He's just lazy.

Whoa!

A mermaid.

I didn't think mermaids was real.

Whoa, your grammar is pretty shaky.

Look, a sea monster! k*ll it!

Yeah, k*ll it! k*ll it!

What are we looking at?

Quick, take my hand.

- It's Zøg!
- The sea monster's pulling him under.

Trust me.

I can't. I'm scared of bubbles.

Here they come! Whoa!

Look, Zøg's alive.

He k*lled the sea monster.

He saved Dreamland!

Zøg's a hero!

Oh, that's gonna be one hard statue
to build, but we're gonna do it.

From that day on,
I was known throughout Dreamland

as Zøg the Beast Slayer.

But to myself, I was Zøg the Lovelorn.

They even built a g*dd*mn statue
of me in the town square.

But I didn't k*ll
no sea monster. I hugged a seal.

The statue. That's it!

Hey, you're not gonna
tell anyone about this, are you?

And blow it for myself?

What do you think I am? A dummy?

Dad, what are you doing?

He was just falling for his first love.

Oopsie.

Dad, take my hand.

I'm okay, Bean.
Trust me. This is just a dream.

No, this is real.

Have a pleasant sleep?

Who the hell are you?

We are Aunt Rebecca and Uncle Cloyd.

Who you thought you blowed up, but didn't.

Is it blowed up or blewed up?

Cram it, Cloyd.

God, how many creepy puppets
does this castle have?

If I weren't tied up like a delicious
holiday goose, I'd k*ll you.

You...

Yeah, you better scram. Luci!

Elfo!

Hi.

Who the hell was that?

Aw, the axe I gave you
on your sixteenth birthday.

We'll go after those damn puppets.

Dad, you lock down
the castle and get help.

Hmm.

And not from Turbish and Mertz.

Well, that's strange.

Sorcerio, did you bring
two other puppets to life?

You know you can't ask me to
remember things on Margarita Monday.

Yoohoo, Freckles?

Hurry up, you dimwits.

I know it's here somewhere. Aha!

Yeah.

Down we go.

Captain, Bean's chasing
some dollies around.

Not now, Derek. Mommy's keelhauling.

I love you, Oona!

Follow the chuckles.

We're going back under the castle.

Under the moat.

Wow! How many lower levels
does this place have?

Dungeon, catacombs,
secret society sex chamber,

Trøgtown, castle laundry services

seldom used exercise room,
cheese cave, old castle mental ward,

new castle mental ward, vomitorium,
king's comic book collection...

How's it hanging, gentlemen?

We're hunting puppets.

Okay, boys, stay by my side.

Nothing but gold coins. Keep looking.

Whoa!

What the hell?

This ain't my castle.

Guys, wait up.

Who's there? Elfo? Luci?

Aunt Becky? Aunt Rebecca?

I'm stuck.

Bean? Where are you?

Dad! Help! I'm trapped!

I'm coming, Beanie!

Yeah, see you later, Pops!

- Oh, no!
- Dad!

Dad?
Post Reply