02x17 - The Unbearable Lightning of Bean

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hey! ♪

Beanie!

Hey, you're alive!

- Yay!
- Crazy girl!

Bean in the house!

Oh, Bean, every time I find you alive
is such nice surprise.

You never hugged me because I was alive.

I hate this family.

So, what the heck happened?

How'd you manage
to get back to shore before us? Huh?

Oh, a sea turtle gave me a ride back.
That's what happened.

Sea turtles aren't that fast.

Why does... Why does it matter?

We're concerned with sea turtles now?

Just be happy I'm alive.

- Like I am.
- Jeez.

Okay, I will take that answer
at face value and not ask you about

that mysterious, new necklace
you're obviously hiding.

Listen up, y'all,
Queen Bean is back from the dead

and orders you to spend
your money at Luci's pub.

I didn't really, but whatever.

Half-eaten nachos half-off
for all pants-crappin' low lives.

Ha! That's me.

Come and get it.
Drink up, you scumbags.

Hmm?

Oh, no, they're back.

Yee-haw!

Uh-uh, I've always been a firm believer
in "stand your ground" until now.

Okay, girls, set wings to haul ass.

Look at all the romance all over there.

Everyone's got someone but me.

And I'm the King.

King of loneliness.

And the duke of horniness.

At least Oona knows
how heartbreak feels.

Back for 20 minutes and already
the solitude is more than I could bear.

Bear...

Ursula the bear.

Eh, Bean, do you mind?

I'm trying to be depressed over here.

I was here first, Dad.

Aw, sweetie...

All right, what's going on?

You only "Aw, sweetie" me
if you just ex*cuted one of my friends.

Look, Porky was a mistake.

I just want to know...

- Are you happy?
- What?

Yeah, I mean,
I have my very own kingdom.

Great friends.

Except, Porky's gone now.

I have this bitching crown...

Hold on a minute,
you didn't answer my question.

Are you happy?

Yeah... No.

What's happy, really?

Oh, my God, you're in love.

Oh, jeez. I'm sorry.

I don't know what I was thinking...

Maybe I am.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

The thing is,
I just don't know what's going on.

Oh, yeah, I've been there.

And when you finally do
figure it out, it's too late.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

One moment,
it's all ukuleles in moonlight,

and then it's just gone.

Is there something wrong with me?

Why can't I stop thinking
about that stupid, perfect mermaid?

Mermaid, huh?

Hey, if you don't like it,
I will fight you.

You know, my first love
was a mermaid, too.

- Really?
- Oh, like father, like daughter.

Oh, boy, that was a doozy.

It didn't work out.

I mean, we were so different.

She was a blonde, I had red hair.

And mermaid culture...
Oof, so much wetter than ours.

Oh.

- Did she break your heart?
- Worse.

We broke each other's hearts.

Yeah, that's the scary part.

Uh, story of my life.

I was always too afraid to try.

Remember Ursula?

Ursula the bear?

Yeah, I remember Ursula.

She thought I was a giant squirrel.

Man, I was crazy about her,

but I always told myself
it wasn't the right time.

It's only now that I realize
that there's never a right time for love.

- Love is always risky.
- And confusing.

- And freaky.
- And scary.

And sweet.

And unexpected, like a sucker punch.

- Boom!
- Ow.

I'll come back later.

Dad, if you think Ursula's the one,
you've got to try.

You think so?

Don't let fear
get in the way of happiness.

Get out of here
and go find that destructive bear-woman.

- I'll watch the throne.
- Really?

Thanks, Beanie.

You give good advice.

You know what I wish?

You'd take it once in a while.

I'll think about it...

every night...

for the rest of my life.

Page boy, take the throne.

I could so overthrow you.

Sorcerio, whip me up some kind of
magic potion to attract bears!

Oh, you've come to the right place.

You have your choice.

Rancid butter, fermented salmon oil

or hot garbage juice.

All of the above.

Oh, my.

Start smearing.

King Zøg, you didn't sign out.

Where are you going?

Don't follow me.
I'm on a secret mission.

"Secret mission"? What does that mean?

That means we follow him in secret.

No, it doesn't!

Ah, all alone.

Just me and the sounds of the forest.

Who's there?

The hell kind of bird is that?

Tit willow.

Ow!

Okay, now listen.

I want you to stay far away from me.

Watch the direction I go,
and you go the opposite way. Far!

Opposite means the same.

Go!

Ugh. Dumbasses.

We can still hear you.

Oh, jeez, well, stop listening, damn it!

- Yes, sir.
- Don't say, "Yes, sir."

- No, sir.
- Don't say nothing!

Silence, sir.

Now it's time for the real hunt.

Love.

- Love?
- You! Come on.

Come on.

- Will you shut up!
- You shut up!

I'm going to k*ll you.

You have to find me first.

Ow.

Ha-ha. You sh*t Mertz.

That's it, Tubby. You know the way.

Yes, the way to the buffet.

You see, that was a joke
because he's a fat man.

Yes, yes, and you're just big boned.

It's that crown-stealing moose
that's always making a fool out of me.

Ow!

No!

What do you need two crowns for?

What, do you think you're better than me?

Oh. It's a wee little bear cub.

Ain't you the sweetest...
Ow! You little bastard!

Why, I... Don't make me come up there. Ow!

Right in the old soft spot.

I'll murderlize that bear.

Okay, you got the higher ground now,
but I swear I'll be back with stilts.

I must be getting close
to where the bears live,

or at least
where they dump their crummy kids.

♪ Drip ♪

How can I get over you
when you're not even here to reject me?

♪ Hey! ♪

Bean? Are you okay?

You're not drinking.

I brought you a beer.

Oops. Sorry. I just finished it.

Oh. Hey, guys, pull up a rock.

Bean, what's wrong?

You look like you could use the advice
of two ignorant but well-meaning friends.

I know what it is.

You've been bummed out
ever since you found out

that your people were cruel,
bloodthirsty savages.

But you know what I say?

Let it go.

You're perfect
and you're beautiful and life is good.

Are you drunk?

I am a little, but that's not the point.

Listen to me. Hey! Come here.

Look at me.

Listen to me.

It's okay.

God, your cheeks are like rubber.

Rubbaba, rubbaba...

It's been a long day.

Let's just go home
and stare at the ceiling.

It's so far and it's all uphill.

And I've got corns on my bunions.

Elfo, can you carry me?

I know a shortcut.

Hmm?

These bones...

animal carcasses, picnic baskets...

I'd know that smell anywhere.

Ursula, baby, it's me, Zøg!

Uh, don't be frightened.

I ain't as furry these days,
I got a haircut from Big Jo.

Ah, never mind.

I missed you.

Uh...

You know, I almost got mauled back there.

Oh, you still got a mauling coming.

Ooh, what is that intoxicating stank?

It doesn't just attract flies.

Okay, smart guy, which way to the castle?

Definitely the left tunnel.

Definitely the right tunnel.

Fine, I'm going this way.

Ah! Darkness!

What the...

This is kind of peaceful.

Skeletons!

A genuine, first edition,
near mint forest selkie?

Oh, she'll be perfect for my freak show.

I told you Zøg was into some sick
predilections of the earth side variety.

Y'all gon' let me go now, right?

Hell no.

Who's going to show us
where all the undocumented badgers are?

And a r*cist antelope
will really bring in the rubes.

Yeah, see, that's why I came out here.

I don't think I can be apart from you.

There's this attraction.

Do you know what magnets are?

- No.
- We go together.

You know, peanut butter and jelly?

- No.
- A lock and key?

- No.
- Shoes and socks?

- No.
- Needle and thread?

- No.
- Waffles and more waffles?

Definitely not.

Zøg, I spend most of my life as a bear,
I don't have a big need for metaphors.

What the hell's a metaphor?

Humans use them

because they're afraid
to say things directly.

Well, I ain't afraid of nothing no more.

Ursula, I love you more
than anything else in my life,

you know, except my kid. Kids.

Do you know this one? Husband and wife?

Uh-uh.

I love you, Zøg.

And I'm glad we're talking
about this because...

Hey, it's that little bastard bear boy.

He's been whipping pine cones at my head.

Look at him, starting at the top.

Spiky red hair, bulbous nose,
psychotic disposition.

Moving down, ample belly, muscular calves.

Eh, it's like looking at me
if I was a little less hairy.

Whoa!

I can't believe
this is where the big battle happened.

Actually, it looks more like
a slaughter than a battle.

This guy got stabbed in the back.

This guy got stabbed in the front.

And this guy's got 12 forks in his skull!

Calm down, buddy.

These are just elf bones.

The actual elves
are down in Hell at the big barbecue.

We barbecue elves.

Go to hell, Elfo.

Okay, you know what, Bean?

I thought I was okay with this,
but I don't know.

I don't know anymore.

This looks like an elficide.

There's just as many
human skeletons down here.

No, those aren't human skeletons,

they're elf skeletons standing
on the shoulders of other elf skeletons.

I'm sorry we took your cast or whatever,

but we won,
and it looks like it was a fair fight.

Hmm?

But I'm too old to have another kid.

Bean nearly k*lled me, last week!

Oh. But Jasper is such a sweetie.

He'll totally want to play with you.

Up until he reaches 600 pounds.

Then we may want to rethink things.

That's not the point.

How do I know he's even mine?

Okay, he's mine.

I ain't going to be a jerk about it.

But what do I do now?

Go say hello.

You know, nothing
is more sexy than a good dad.

Yeah, I heard that one before.

Oh, Jasper!

Hey there, Jasper.

I'm King...

Ow! Son of a...

Wow, you do got a strong arm there!

But maybe don't toss so much
sticks and stones at your old man, eh?

I'm your dad, Jasper.

You're doing great.

Go on, he won't bite
if approached from the front.

If he starts growling, back away quickly.

Don't touch his fish
if you want to keep your fingers.

You know, ah...

You're not gonna catch
any trout if they see your shadow.

Mmm.

- Huh? Huh?
- Huh. Huh.

Okay, kid number three.

This one I'm going to get right.

Oh, jeez.

Got another Derek on my hands.

Hey, that tickles.

Ah, the simple life.

For too long, I've been living
like a big sh*t fancy pants.

Out here, I don't need any pants.

I got everything I want right here.

What about your castle?

Uh, Beanie's got that under control.

The giant squirrel?

But if you stay here,
won't your loved ones miss you?

Vip and Vap? Eh, they'll be fine.

I could stay here forever.

Ah. Close the window, will you?

Jasper, honey,
if you can't sleep, go k*ll something.

Bear Boy, are the angels
taking you to heaven?

Is there a bear heaven?

Jasper!

Late-night bunny party.

Half human, half bear.

That's the kind of biodiversity
that pulls in the suckers.

Karn sarnit!

Who gives a Kn*fe to a bear cub?

The lack of parental concern these days.

- Jasper!
- Bear Boy!

- Where are you?
- It's me, Dad.

Come to Mama.

If you come back,
I promise I won't yell at you.

Except right now.

I'll let you stay up
past your hibernation.

That was a good 39-cent net.

Oh, that's it.

Bear Boy, come towards
the smell of this delicious cigar.

Whoa!

What the...

Oh, dear!

Poor Jasper, he's extremely flammable.

- Ursula!
- Just find Jasper.

Bear Boy!

Jasper, no!

Ah, don't cross the burning log!

What'd I tell you?

Jasper, climb.

Ursula, give me your hand there.

Got you.

Zøg!

Ursula! No!

What are we, cursed?

Don't worry about
the family curse, Jasper.

I'm not crying, boy.

It's all this smoke. See?

Your mom...

she was a special lady...

Bear... Lady Bear.

Ah, what am I going to do with you now?

I mean, I taught you the things
I could, what else can I do?

You belong out here in the woods.

You wouldn't like the castle,
there's no trees, no fishing,

and honey comes in a jar
and not in a hive.

Oh, you've got to go be a bear.

You go that way and I'll go this way.

Papa, where are you going?

Oh.

Jeez.

Come here, Jasper.

All this time you could talk?

Why didn't you say nothing?

Well, you never shut up.

Your laugh is annoying, too.

That's my boy.