01x07 - Love's Tender Rampage

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[man]

Hey!

Drink the fairy!

Drink the fairy!

That's okay, honey.

I go down easy.

[all cheering]

[slurring]

Okay, okay.

If you could be any mythical creature, what would it be?

Elfo?

[slurring]

Oh, that's easy.

Dwarf!

[chuckles]

Man, if I was a dwarf, I'd run this town.

[slurring]

What's the difference between a dwarf and an elf?



- I don't know.



- [burps]

I had a good time in there.

Your organs know how to party.

Guys, we should go home before we pass out in the street.

Again.

[bell tolling]

So tragically young.

So tragically small.

Eh, this thing had it coming.

What the Ow!

Oh, no, no, no.

This is bad.

What is happening?

Elfo, don't freak out.

Just stay calm.

Yeah, like this guy.



- [screams]

Are we in the plague pit?



- [man]

You are!



- Who was that?



- [Roger]

Name's Roger!

All we have to do is find a way out before they [torch ignites]

Was she gonna say "before they light it on fire"?

She was.

[Bean and Elfo screaming]

[Bean and Elfo grunting]

I haven't lived long enough to give up on my dreams yet.

I never got to see the world.

We only just met.

There are so many things we could have done and then tried.

Why didn't we give in to our instincts?

It's too bad we never experienced bliss together.

We can, Bean.

There's nothing in our way, except this arm.

Oh, Elfo Oh, Bean.

You meant bliss the feeling.

There's another kind of bliss?

Yeah, it's a drug.

It makes you hallucinate.

You can do it in the Black Light District.

I always wanted to try it.

Well, good stuff.

We should get you two outta here.

You knew that was there the whole time?

Yeah, saw it on the way down.



- Are you coming, Roger?



- [Roger]

No, thanks!

Elfo, it's okay, really.

I think it's sweet you wanted to kiss me, but I'm just Kiss you?

You think I was trying to kiss you?

Uh, um, okay.

[chuckles]

Yeah Don't flatter yourself, Princess.

You weren't trying to kiss me?

Uh, definitely not.

'Cause it seemed like Okay, take it easy.

I have a girlfriend, and I'm not just making it up on the spot.

Speaking of the spot, isn't this the spot?

Let's talk about the spot now.

Welcome, my friends.

One adult, two children.

[man]

Gah.

Get ready to have your minds blown.

Just breathe in and try to mellow.

[Elfo inhales]

I don't feel it yet.

How much longer?

Let's just all take another deep breath.

[all inhale]

Good idea.

And on the exhale, Elfo will tell us more about his girlfriend.



- Dude.



- Yeah, who is this mystery girl?

She's not a mystery, but she's definitely a girl.

Friend.

She's my girlfriend.

Hmm, kinda took you a long time to bring her up, though.

It sorta seems like you might be a liar.

You callin' me a liar?

Oh, that's the stickiest.

That's just real sticky coming from a friend.

So, why haven't we met your little bitty elf squeeze?

She's not an elf, and she's not little!

She's big!

Bigger than you'll ever be!

Okay, okay.

So, what does this big love of yours look like?

I know what she looks like.

She's got white hair, buck teeth and two blue eyes.

Wrong.

She has red hair, normal teeth, no offense, and one green eye.

Wait, did you say one eye?

Yeah, that's right.

Yup, now I'm remember Just the one.

Yup.

Well, now I'm really curious to meet her.

You can't!

'Cause, uh Damn it!

Let me help you out.

She's from a faraway land.

We wouldn't know it.

Yes, really far away.

Like, way up the country, past the Unpassable Mountains?

Even farther.

Then how did you two meet?

Um, on vacation.

Yup.

With our families.

Oh, such a great time.

[sighs]

Yeah.

Her family's all dead, by the way, so you can't look 'em up or anything.

Just, you know, natural causes.

So, super

-hot one

-eyed girl with a dead family.

Sounds legit.

Because she is legit and totally real and very special to me!

Okay, okay, Elfo, we get it.

Now calm down.

I'm starting to hallucinate.

Whoa.

It's like I'm looking at you, but at the same time, you're being looked at by me.

Your nose is so beautiful.

Everything's so unreal.



- Just like Elfo's girlfriend.

[echoes]



- [grunts]

[Bean]

A drug door.

Mmm, mmm.

Yeah, here I go.

[sighs]

Look into my heart, and you'll see the truth.

[Elfo sighs]

[chuckles and sighs]



- [grunting]



- [heart b*ating]

[blows landing rhythmically]

[both grunt]

What happened to you guys?

Elfo, I owe you an apology, man.

I totally saw your girlfriend back there.

I also had this profound realization.

I'm losing it now, but I think it was about scones?

Let's get scones.

[Pendergast grunts]

Great practice, men.

I think we're fully prepared to slay a dragon.

It was fun stabbing all those iguanas in that box.

[Luci]

Can't believe Elfo stuck to his story no matter how hard I laughed.

Did you ever stop to think that's because it's true?

Nah, I was busy with laughter.

I don't know, man.

There's something to that vision I had.

That girl is real, and he's in love with her.



- We gotta do something special for him.



- [Luci]

Let him sit on your lap at dinner.

[Bean]

No, he gets crumbs everywhere.

I meant we should go find his girlfriend.



- And by we, I mean them.



- Ya!

Hey, hey, sorry to interrupt, but are you guys available for a quest?



- Just a moment.



- [grunts]

You were saying?

Remember: really tall, red hair and, again, just the one eye.

And she lives beyond the Unpassable Mountains?

You're gonna send these knights to die on a quest for a made

-up girlfriend?

Cool.

This wasn't a stupid drug trip.

This was a vision of the truth.

I crawled through a door and saw a rainbow, and I'd risk their lives on it.

Is this quest optional?

Silence, Turbish.

We'll have her to you in a fortnight.

Don't know how long that is, but you have three days.

You gotta get her here before the Royal Ball.

Elfo will need someone to dance with, and I am not letting him stand on my feet again.

And if we succeed, how shall I be rewarded?

[Zog]

With the g*dd*mn salary I pay you.

Now, will you shut up down there?

I'm trying to sleep.

[knights]

Yes, sir!

[horse neighs]

[man]

We're going on a mission To help our friend Elfo We're pretty sure he's lying But we still have to go Found out how The Valley of Scorpions got its name I got the stinger on my dinger And now it's all inflamed Sing a little softer We're in avalanche terrain [knight]

You got it!

[screams]

[groans]

Can we have one dinner where we're not watching Jester?

Hmm, I'll hit mute.

[jester]

Oh, no.

Personally, I prefer to watch the news.

Hey!

News!

Is your dinner poisoned?

The answer may surprise you.

But, first, we go live to the courtyard for the return of the knights.

Come along.

[Bean]

Elfo, have I got a surprise for you.

I knew that you were longing for something, so I had the knights get it.

What is it?

Does this voice sound familiar?

[woman grunts]

[gasps]

Is it my grandpa trying to open a jar?

No, stupid, it's your girlfriend!

[growls]

Elfo, you mofo.

I thought you were a liar, but it turns out you're a stud.

Hey!

[chuckles]

How was your trip, sweetie?

[growling]

[Elfo grunts and chuckles]

Traveling makes her cranky.

[Zog]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, no, you don't.

We ain't having no giant rampage in here.

Send her back up whatever beanstalk she rode in on.

Come on, Dad.

You can't stand in the way of true love.

He's an elf.

She's a giant.

It's gotta be so hard for them already.



- I mean, think about it.



- Mmm.

[grunts]

I never wanna think that thought again.

Put her somewhere where I can't see her.

What's under the dungeon?

The cheese cave, sire.

All right.

Stick her down there, and bring me a nice hunk of Gorgonzola.

Why am I the only one defending your girlfriend?

What kind of boyfriend are you?

Uh, a supportive one.

She can fight her own battles.

She's 12 feet tall.

She did throw Turbish off a cliff and eat his horse.

[growling]

Think you can make a bed outta one of these cheeses?

Anything but the Pepper Jack.

[giant grunts]

[Bean]

Okay, it's all set.

Pendergast is gonna take her chains off so you can get on in there, if you know what I'm sayin'.

I'm talking about the cave.

Just go.

I'm rooting for you.

[whimpers]

[giant growling]

[nervously]

You know, if you think about it, we're both imprisoned.

You, like a wild animal.

Me, in a complex web of lies.

Let's just take a minute and talk about what we have in common [screams]

[oinking]

[screams]

Oh, sorry.

Didn't see you down there.

What's shakin', bacon?

Not my loins, I'm afraid.

Stay where you are.

I'll come tell you.

Ugh.

Why has no one eaten him yet?

Cat

-thing, I've always been my own man, never needed others for advice.

But now I'm a pig, and my life's a mess.

Well, glad we had this talk.

See ya.

Thing is, having been handsome, powerful and rich, I never had to stoop to kindness or charm.

But now those things are gone and so are the ladies.

So, tell me why the damsels flock to you, someone far more repulsive than yours porkly.

I would love to give you some great advice, but it will come at a great cost!



- I get to ride you like a horse.



- I'll welcome the touch.

Now we must get started at once.

I need a date for the ball this Sunday.

Okay, let's fire up the magic crystal and see if there's any attractive singles in our area waiting to talk to you.

"Him?



- No.

"

- Hmm.

Want me to ask if you're gonna die alone, or are we good?

[Elfo screaming]

[giant growls]

Oh!

Oh, thank God I got away.

With so many things last night.

Wow, looks like it got pretty rough.

Yeah, I don't want to brag, but, at one point, I got my head stuck in her eye socket.

I'm glad you're enjoying your time together, because I had a great idea.

Oh, goody.

Another one.

[Elfo slurping]

[munching]

Pardon my curiosity, but when you two are making love, is she aware?

[growls]

Don't listen to him.

You're obviously a great couple.

Hi, I'm Chazz.

Pretty rose for the pretty lady?



- Absolute

- No, thanks.

I'm good.

Pretty rose for the pretty [screams]

No flower could have a stench as beautiful as yours, honey.

[sneezes]

Was that Turbish's horse?

[sneezes]

Looks like it.

Ugh!

That was stuck in my throat for days!

Oh, my mouth tastes like a barn.

She can talk?

[laughs]

Yes, of course she can.

The hell is wrong with you people?

Get these things off me.

I am not a monster.

I'm a person, with thoughts and feelings.

For God's sake, I'm a grad student.

That's why I love her.

She's so darn smart.

I can't believe you all put me through this 'cause I'm his "girlfriend.

" Well, have I got news for you.

This guy is a filthy Lover!

I'm a filthy lover.

So nasty.

That's not [continues indistinctly]

This just raises more questions.

What is your problem?

I just need to talk to you.

Please.

I'm sorry.

Really.

I know I'm a jerk and a liar, Miss Giant Lady.

My name is Tess.

Ugh, I'm outta here.

No, please.

Tess, if you don't stay until the Royal Ball tomorrow, they'll know I'm lying.

Why would I do you any favors?

'Cause I'll do anything.

I can get you money.

There's a ton of money in the castle.

I can steal.

Money means nothing to me.

Oh, come on.

Everybody needs something.

Don't you need something?

An eye.

Your eye is missing!

[stammers]

What did you say?

You're missing an eye.

I can get you one.



- Easy.



- How?

Uh, because I'm an elf.

And elves are magic, duh!

We can make eyes.

We can make anything.



- You can?



- Yes!

Absolutely.

You help me keep up the charade a bit longer.

We dance a little.

We go to a party.

Eh?

Big gal like you like parties?

I guess.

Then we will have you walking out of here with 20/20, my friend.

[gasps]

I'll be able to see out of it?

I thought you were just gonna give me a hunk of glass.

That would've been the easy way out, huh?

But, no.

No, not for this guy.

Wow.

All right, yeah, you have a deal.

But I'm going back to dinner.

I'm so hungry.

You could eat a horse?



- Don't try to be my friend.



- You betcha.

[sighs]

If you're gonna dance with someone tonight, we'll work with what you got.

And what you got are serious problems in the face and body areas.



- Fine.



- You need an attitude that matches you.

You're sad and hideous.

Play it up.

Chicks love pathetic.

I don't know.

I'm not good at anything.

Like that?

Sad Ew.

Look at that gross, crying pig.

I have no interest in it.

Me neither.

Twinsies.

Get outta here!

[squeals]

[grunts]

'Sup, ladies?

Oh, my God.

Cute cat.

I know.

So much swagger, right?

He's, like, ugly

-sexy.

Oh, yeah.

Totes.

Like your dad.

What?

Hello, there.

Perhaps I'll see you in the dining room, then?

[Elfo]

I can't make an eye.

I can't even find one.

I've looked all over this stupid castle.

There's nothing.

I need help.

What are you coming to me for?

We don't got that kind of relationship.

Oh, I'm desperate.

Please, I'll do anything.

Anything?

[groans]

My knees are full of splinters.

Did I say I wanted a talking horse?

[grunts]

I've been messing with this for a couple days.



- Might point you in the right direction.



- [clears throat]

Hi, I'm Elfo.

Is there anything around here I can use to replace a giant's eye?

[crystal ball buzzes]

Eh, we gave it a sh*t.

[gasps]

Weapons?

You people have got to stop.

I'm not dangerous.

This is your hair and makeup team.

You're already beautiful.

We're just gonna highlight a few things.

Bring in the hot tar!

[growls]



- [fox growling]



- [birds chirping]

[oxen bellowing]

[all clapping and exclaiming]



- [instrumental music playing]



- [indistinct chatter]

[bugle blaring]

Now let's greet our hosts.

She oozes grace and a shiny trail wherever she goes.

He ate all the shrimp before you got here.



- It's Queen Oona and King Zog.



- [guests clapping]

Make room on the dance floor, 'cause I'm full of shrimp and I need to lay down.

Princess, now that we're courting Don't say courting.

No one's courting.

But you can bring me a drink.

But you're already All right.

[chuckling]

You scoundrel.

You said to act pathetic to these women.

Then you swept in and stole them.

I know.

Some of my best work.

I thought we were friends.

The Adventures of Cat and Pig.

That's what I've been calling us.

To who?

All I wanted to do was dance in the arms of someone beautiful, and you took that away.

This has been our last adventure.

Oh, man, I actually feel kind of bad.

Do you need to be alone?

Oh, no, I need to be comforted.

Maybe a little behind the ears.

And now, our guests of honor.

Brace yourselves for the inevitable visualizations.

Elfo and Tess!

[exclaiming]

So, one quick dance, then you can go back home.

But the eye's not working yet.

Huh, weird.

May not be seeing well, but it is looking good.

Just gotta straighten it out here.

What the hell?

Wait, something's happening.

I can see out of it.

I can see everything.

More than everything.

I see the truth.

He's sleeping with the chambermaid.

And she's sleeping with the chambermaid.

What can I say?

I'm attracted to people who are good at their job.

And you, you're so kind, but you have a hidden rage inside you that no one else can see.

It's why I can't keep a dog alive.

You only keep Elfo around for his blood.

[laughs]

You have got to be Oh, you know what?

I think I already knew that.

And you.

You're not at all what you seem.

You're a prince.

Yes, I was the handsomest prince in all the land.

He's not lying.

He really believes that.

And now for Elfo Here's the truth.

No, no, no, wait, please.

Let me do it.

Bean, I should've confessed this a long time ago, but I was too ashamed.

Tess was never my girlfriend.

I've been lying to you about that.

Oh, um, well, I wasn't gonna say that at all.

[chuckles]

I mean, a deal's a deal.

Yikes.

You were lying?

But my mystical vision.

I crawled through the hole, the giant lady popped out of the flower, and you were there and Oh, dr*gs are bad.

Oh, all right.

Hey, everybody calm down.

We don't want to upset the nice big lady, huh?

You don't think I'm nice.

None of you do.

You all think I'm a big scary monster who's gonna go on a rampage.

Well, newsflash.

Giants haven't been on a rampage since the '80s.

And even then, it was one guy.

It was just Bob.

Maybe if you got to know us, you'd find out that we're all about peace and love and g*dd*mn body positivity!

But I guess we'll just always be ugly beasts to you.

Well, fine.

Think I'm ugly all you want.

At least I'm not ugly on the inside.

I've come to slay the mean lady who threw me off a cliff and ate my horse.

Turbish, no!

Your horse is still alive!

What?



- Ow!

Seriously?



- [guests exclaiming]

Oh!

Damn it.

Let me get that.

Hang on.

No, wait.

Oh, God.

No.

Stop.

I've got this.



- She's burning the castle!



- She'll eat us alive!

This validates my bigotry!

She's been a burden on the pantry.

k*ll her.

[yelling]

Monsters are afraid of fire.

We've got her cornered.

[Tess grunts]

[guests gasp]

[guests scream]

Tess, follow me.

Why should I trust you?

Because sometimes I feel like a freak, too.

Never said I was a freak.

Wow, you're trapped in a pretty sad life.

Want me to go back and step on your dad?

No, we don't have time.

[all yelling]

Quick!

This way.

We're trapped.

No, we're not.

Now, Tess, I know you're not a monster.

But I'm gonna need you to jump up and down.

Like a monster.

That was implied, right?

Whoa.

Are you the 9:30 bus to Twinkletown?

Take a deep breath and fire on the count of three.

One two

- Wait, I'm sorry, man.



- [all coughing]

What were we just talking about?



- Where'd she go?



- Which one's the giant?

[man]

That green guy's freaking me out.

[all mumbling indistinctly]

Tess, I'm so sorry about everything.

Well, you helped me out of here, so I guess it's cool.



- It is?



- No!

You're a d*ck.

None of this would've happened if you'd just told the truth.

God!

Take me with you.

These savages don't deserve us.



- Come on, cutie.



- Really?

You and I are two of a kind.

I was a gorgeous nobleman before I became a pig.

What were you before you turned hideous?

[squeals]

[Meriker]

Sad I should have known she wasn't your girlfriend.

I should have just told you the truth.

I lied because I was too insecure to admit I tried to kiss you.

But you don't have to worry.

I won't try anything like that again.

Good.

Let me do it next time.

[chuckles]

Yeah, right.

Bean, did did you just kiss me?

I don't know.

I don't think I'm Bean.

I don't think I'm Elfo.

[theme music playing]