01x09 - To Thine Own Elf Be True

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[man]

Hey!

[snoring]

[snoring]

You're pacing again.

I got a lot on my mind.

What is wrong with you?

For days, you don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't throw bricks at seagulls.

Where is the monster I married?

Oh Where are they?

Bean!

If you're out there, say something!

[man]

Put on some pants!

[sighs heavily]

[clapping]

[herald]

Hear ye, hear ye!

The princess and her crew of misfits have been spotted returning from their quest by Lady Kravitz, who happened to be peering out her window at just the right moment.

Yes!

[man]

Nice moves, grandpa!

[gasps]

It is so weird to wake up on the back of a flying griffin and remember everything from the night before.

You mortal nerds sleep good?

We're almost home.

Woo

-hoo!

Back in Dreamland!

This Eternity Pendant or vial or whatever you call it is gonna be my get

-out

-of

-jail

-free card for, like, ever.

I can do whatever I want!

I'm totally gonna get those bangs.

And I'll finally get the respect a man of my hat deserves!

Ah, here we are.

[herald]

Now announcing the triumphant return of our heroes from their quest that we all privately thought would fail.

Your Highness, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is we have retrieved the Eternity Pendant.

The bad news is that we lost many good men

- and it was awful

- Yeah, yeah.

Great story, great story.

Where's my pendant?

Ah, my dreams are this close to coming true.

Now, where's my special little man?

I'm right here, Father!

Not you!

I'm lookin' for Elfo.

[Elfo]

Hmm?

"To lift the curse of Death itself, one drop of blood from a true

-born elf.

Into the vial it shall drip, to free one soul from Death's icy grip.

" Whoa.

Am I turning into a god?

I can feel the power rising up through my body, bursting out.

[burps]

Aw, I'm not a god.

I'm not even a healthy man.

Oh, but it must've worked!

Now, to test it, we need a volunteer to k*ll you.

Dibs.

Wait.

Hang on, hang on.

Let's try it on somebody a little more, uh, not me.

I think I know someone who'd welcome the attention.

It is I, Prince Guysbert!

They tried to compost me, but the thought that, once again, I might gaze upon your face kept me alive.

That and the rotted food scraps.

You heard the shish kebab.

Let's give it a sh*t!

[Elfo]

Doink.

My headache is gone!

We lost him, but cured his headache.

Ah, I shoulda never let you glue those stars on your dunce cap.

[trumpeting]

Sire, we rode halfway across the world, lost three noble knights, failed to find the vial and we lost the princess There she is, holding the vial.

[chuckles]

In sum, it was a successful trip.

Yeah, real successful.

How can you keep messing up a recipe with two ingredients?



- Come here, you

- Ow, ow, ow Your Majesty.

[sighs]

Son of a witch.

I followed every possible interpretation of the directions.

Then what keeps going wrong?

Maybe the vial is a fake.

It's gotta be real.

I mean, it was glowing and dinging, okay?

No substance known to man both glows and dings.

It could be a convincing knock

-off made of cheaper magic materials like Middle Earth Zirconia or pleather.

We need an expert.

Hmm.

I think I know a guy.

Fetch Old Man Touchy from the dungeon!

Who?

[Zog]

Old Man Touchy.

There's nothing he's touched that he can't identify, and there's nothing he hasn't touched, which is why he's in the dungeon.

Careful where you grab me.

I grab back!

[chuckles]

Long time no feel, Your Highness.

[kisses]

It is an honor to fulfill your need for touch.

Good to see a twinkle in the holes where your eyes used to be.

And what a lovely tunic.

Three hundred

-count Plimgrovian cotton, I believe.

[chuckles and exclaims]

Touchy like.

[stammers]

Enough chitchat.

Now, here's the deal, Touchy.

This spell is only supposed to need two ingredients: this vial and this elf's blood.

But it's not working.

I need you to tell me if this vial is [giggling]

That's my tummy!

Guards!

Guards!

No, you sicko!

Examine the vial, huh?

Oh.

If you insist.

The vial is real.

It's this specimen over here that requires further examination.

What?

Ah, fascinating.

I've never felt anything like this before!

This isn't an elf, but it's not not

-an

-elf.



- He is, however, soft and velvety.



- Thank you.

Wait, what?

What do you mean it's not an elf?

Your elf's blood won't work because this is not an elf.

You're wrong.

I demand a second opinion!

Touch me somewhere else!

So, this little twit, who I welcomed into my home, clothed and fed and built the finest luxury cage for, lied to me about being an elf?

I didn't lie!

Dad, don't be ridiculous.

His name is Elfo, for Pete's sake.

Tacking an "O" on the end of "Elf"?

Bah!

It's suspiciously on the nose.

This is crazy.

I'm an elf.

My whole family are elves!

If you look up "elf" in the dictionary, the picture is my cousin Examplo!

Ah, you.

You ruined everything I worked for.

Lying to me in any other way than flattery is a mortal crime.



- Grab him!



- [grunts]

Elfo is hereby banished from Dreamland.

Get him outta here!

[gasps]

No!

Goodbye, little man.

If you get into trouble, show them this note.

[Elfo]

"k*ll me.

" Aw!

Pendergast gave to me.

Now, I give to you.

[Bean]

Elfo!

[grunting]

Bean, I'll miss you!

Elfo, this is not over!

Stay [muffled grunting]

Stay what?

Stay cool, never change.

Have a great summer.

[Zog grunting]

[chicken squawks]

How could you do this?

Elfo risked his life getting you that stupid vial!

Not now, Bean.

Daddy's very angry.

You know, I just realized something.

You're the reason I have a drinking problem.

Of course I am.

I'm your father.

You know what else you are?

You're selfish.

You're a terrible king.

And even if you do find a way to live for eternity, no one in their right mind would want to spend it with you.

Take her away.

Lock her up till she stops pointing things out.

Her chamber, sire?

Nah, she's too good at escaping from there.

Some place more secure.

And her smart

-mouthed cat, too.

Nice typical reaction, Mr.

Predictable.

[sighs]

There, there.

[Bean]

Hey!

Let me out!

If Elfo goes, I go!

No cannot do, Princess.

[Odval]

But I can.

Go.

Find your friend.

Wow.

That's pretty decent.

I was not expecting that.

I wish you the best of luck embarrassing some other kingdom.



- But were you expecting that?



- Yeah, kinda.



- You let Princess run away?



- For now.

Elfo!

Elfo!



- [Luci]

I found him!



- You did?

Wait a minute.

It's just three quarters of a dead raccoon.



- [rustling]



- [gasps]

Who's there?

Stay back!

I'm warning you.

[grunts]

Tell!

Me!

Who!

You!

Are!

Hi!

I'm!

Elfo!

Luci?

[gasps]



- You guys came for me?



- [grunting]

You're the best friends I could ever imagine.

You do realize you're still hitting me?

Yes, but I'm scared of what you'll do when I stop.

Hey, hey, hey, slow down, champ.

Oh, God, I'm turning into my bartender.

It all makes sense now.

Growing up, I never fit in among the elves.

Listen, I feel you.

After my mom d*ed, I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, really.

I never even met my mom.

Maybe that's why I've had such low elf

-esteem.

Dude, you can't have elf

-esteem.

You're not an elf.

You're never gonna be whole until you figure out who you really are.

And there's only one way to find the answer.

No.

No, I can't go crawling back home!

It'll wreck my image as a total badass.

What'd you do, forget to return a library book?

Yes!

[gasps]

I can never go back!

But you'll never know the truth unless you return to Elfwood.

The only problem is, the location is a secret, and elves are never supposed to bring outsiders.



- You're not an elf.



- Oh, yeah!

[giggles]

Okay, let's go.

[sniffs]

Wait, I smell cocoa [sniffs]

caramel [sniffs]

and conformity!

Elfwood!

We're here!

Okay, they're suspicious of outsiders, so let's be smart about this.

I'm Clarence, you're a scrappy, small

-town reporter doing a story on Elfwood, and you're

- [elf]

We can hear you, Elfo.



- Oh.

[chuckling]

Oh.

Um Hi.

Uh, can we come in?

Please?

[elf]

He's with an outsider and a deformed cat.

I don't know if that's a good idea.

[Elfo]

Why not?

[elf]

They might not fit in.

Wow, I didn't know elves were r*cist.

[elf]

We are not r*cist!

How can the world's greatest race be r*cist?

And would a r*cist do this?

[upbeat music plays]

Whoa!

I owe you an apology, Elfo.

Relatively speaking, you're a badass.

It's times like this I wish I had 3,000 fists.

Welcome to Elfwood!

Home of open

-minded elves of all shapes and one size.

Right, Watcho?

Hmm.

I'll be watching and judging and generalizing.

[creaking]

[grunts]

I am so sorry.

It was an accident.

[groans]

My eye!



- Oh, I am so sorry.

Let me

- Oh!

Just go inside before you help me to death.

[cheerful music playing over gramophone]

[all gasp]

[gasps]

[music stops]

Wha?

There, once again, Elfo, you've made a mockery of the Jolly Code!

Who is that puny, little runt?



- Oh, that's Luci.

He's a demon.



- [elves gasp]

And who is that?



- Oh, that's Bean.

She's a human.



- [elves exclaiming]

[sighs]

Humans bring nothing but treachery and pain.



- No, I also brought booze.



- [elves exclaim]

Elfo, I didn't know you were coming back.

I didn't know I had unfinished business here.



- There's someone I'd like you to meet.



- Whoa!

What?

But how could he be I've only been gone a few months!

That's all it takes.

All this time I didn't know I had a son!

Oh, no, this is Shrimpo, my new boyfriend.

I was just trying to tell you that I moved on.

No hard feelings, bud.

Oh.

Of course not, but if you ever wanna throw a ball around sometime He doesn't, [whispering]

but he doesn't mind if you still wanna mess around.

[Pops]

Elfo, my boy!

Well, whip my heinie with a long red viney, you're back!

Oh, Pops, you're just the guy I came to see.

[chuckling]

And who's that statuesque sugar stack?

Oh, you're a chip off the old block, I see.

The taste for big dames runs in our family!

Yeah, Pops, listen, if you could just kinda geezer down for a moment Sorry, we need to have a talk.

Let me just check on my friends.

[elves cheering]

Okay, they're fine.

[coughing]

What kinda candy cigarette is this?

Twinkletown Giggle Bud.

Pops, I need to know the truth.

Am I not a real elf?

Oh, my boy.

I've been meaning to But the thing is, I So, you see Well, I'm glad we had this talk.

How 'bout you talk now?

But you haven't said anything yet.

I'm down to my second

-to

-last emergency flask, so let's have a toast.

You've opened up your gates and your hearts.

Here's to peace between our peoples, and may all ill will between elves and humans be behind us.



- Look out!

Behind us!



- [elves gasp]

[laughs]

Thank you, Princess Tiabeanie.

You followed us?

It wasn't hard with a trail of heavy bootprints and the tell

-tale odor of Dreamland ditch weed.

The king of Dreamland requires elf blood.

If three of the juiciest of you would hop into my sack, we'll be on our way.

I look like an elf.

Come on, Dad.

What am I?

Well, I was waiting to tell you until after I was dead, so I wouldn't have to tell you.

It's hard to say, so, I'll let this needlepoint do the talking for me.

Your mom made it.

Truth is, you're only half

-elf.

You're also half [elves screaming]

How dare you thr*aten these innocent folk?

I mean, look at this guy.

Show him what's under your hat, buddy.

It's not just a kitten, it's a sleeping kitten.

These guys are totally defenseless.

[Elfo]

Not totally.

[Pendergast grunts]

Get those little bastards.

And help me up, I'm beetle

-ing.

[elves screaming]

Sound the battle bell!

[delicate bell chiming]

[whimpering]



- [grunts]



- [Edgar]

Huh?

Ow!

[giggles]

[Pendergast grunting]

Ow.

What happened to my bravest man?

Edgar the Fearless is now Edgar the Headless.

[Pendergast]

Retreat!

Retreat!

[elves exclaiming]

You think you can defeat the entire elf kingdom with six knights?

Ha!

Five, six, seven Oh, nuts.

We need to disappear!

Close the gates!

It won't close.

The big girl broke it!

We can't vanish with the door open!

It would defy the laws of physics.

We can try and close it from the outside.

By order of your father, you will stand aside, Tiabeanie!

Hey, nobody calls me Tiabeanie except my best friends and my worst enemies.

[grunting]

[Elfo and Bean cheering]

You did it!

No, we did it.

Ah, screw team spirit.

Those elves stole my stash.

We are a team.

I always thought so.

Really?

[groans]

No!

Elfo!

Elfo, speak to me.

Elfo!

Who did that?

Now, just keep holding on, okay?

Just keep holding on.

[grunts]

It's okay.

It's okay, Bean.

I always wanted to go out while I'm still young and hot.

Your dad's got the immortality thing all wrong.

That monster is not my dad anymore.

You're all I've got!

Please, stay with me.

Elfo, stay with me.

Oh, man, if this is sadness, I don't like it one bit.

Princess, it's time to go.

We must relay a message to the king that the mission has failed.

We didn't get a single elf.

A real elf, that is.

Send a turkey.

[turkey gobbling]

Aw, Beanie.

If there's anything I can do Don't touch me.

Nothing you can do can fix this.

Elfo is dead because of you.

Maybe I did go a tad overboard.

Your fanatical obsession with the Elixir of Life, was it worth all of this?

I don't even think it's real.

It's just some myth in a book.

It's unfortunate you lost your friend, Beanie.

I didn't just lose my best friend.

I lost my father.

You lied to me and betrayed me.

Get out!

You're right.

I did lie to you.

The Elixir of Life, it wasn't for me.

It was for your mother.

I was trying to bring her back.

My whole world was wrapped up in this vial.

Mom's been dead for 15 years!

There's nothing left of her.

Stop trying to manipulate me.

This is your mother.

That fateful night, the taster, he was late.

You were such a little monkey.

You were switching our cups back and forth, and I didn't know.

The cursed poison that was meant for me, she drank it instead.

[gasping]

Bean?

I didn't want to tell you because I'm terrified of female emotions, and I didn't want you to feel guilty.

So, I've been grasping at straws, trying to find a way to bring your mother back ever since.

But now, it's all a pipe dream.

I'm sorry, Bean, for everything.

I'll let you be alone.

And whenever you're ready, we'll get you a new pet.

God damn.

Well, hey, good thing is, I swiped the only thing he cares about.

That's gotta make you feel a little better, right?

Bean?

So, I'm responsible for my own mother's death, too?

Am I a bad person?

I'm so sorry, Mom.

I wish you were here.

[Luci stammers]

Sorry, it's just You have snot, like, all over your face.

Thanks, yeah.

[gasps]

This is elf's blood.

Real elf's blood.

You don't think it'd actually work, do you?

No, probably not.

But I guess it doesn't hurt to try.

There's only one drop of blood.

I don't know who to choose.

I don't want to get your hopes up.

It'll probably fizzle out like before.

So, just close your eyes and don't think too much.

Whatever happens, happens.

Mom?

What?

Bean?

Bean?

Is that you, Bean?

[Dagmar sighing]

[theme music playing]