03x01 - Holiday Knights

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

HARLEY: I'm depressed, Red.

Here it is holiday time

and we're hiding out
in this dingy rattrap.

No presents, no fun, no nothing.

- Can't we at least get a Christmas tree?
- What?

And support the mad campaign

of botanical genocide
that grips this country every December?

(YELPS) But Christmas trees are
so bright and fun and pretty.

Oh, please, please, please--
(THUD)

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

Calm down, Harl.

I've got a little plan that will make
this the happiest holiday ever.

VERONICA: So tell me, Bruce,

what does Gotham's most eligible
bachelor have planned for the holidays?

Skiing in the Alps?
Sunning in the Bahamas?

And more importantly, who's he taking?

Actually, I was planning
on a quiet Christmas alone, Veronica.

- Really? I wouldn't tell them that.
- Who's "them"?

WOMEN: Brucie!

You're standing under the mistletoe.

(ALL GIGGLE)

WOMAN: He's so handsome!

WOMAN : Come here, big boy!
WOMAN : Give me that!

(ALL CLAMORING)

- Cheers.
- BRUCE: Now, ladies...

Mwah!

Isn't he dreamy?

Oh...

WOMAN : Bye.
WOMAN : See you.

WOMAN : See you soon.
WOMAN : Call me.

WOMAN:
May we give you a ride, Mr. Wayne?

- No, thanks. I have my own car.
- WOMAN : Oh, but we insist.

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

Season's greetings, Brucie.

Your two favorite party girls
are out for some Christmas fun.

(GASPS)

Ivy zapped you with her special lipstick
back at the party.

Now we've got Gotham's handsomest,
wealthiest bachelor

to treat us to a holiday shopping spree.

Whoopee!
Race you to the shoe department, Red!

You're on.

(" DAYS OF CHRISTMAS" PLAYING)

(BOTH SCREAM AND GIGGLE)

(LAUGHING)

- Please?
- POISON IVY: No!

Step lively there, Brucie.

(GRUNTS)

- Look. Pianos!
- I've had just about enough of this.

I think the stuff is wearing off.

Can't have that. Give him another sh*t.

Right-a-roonie.
Give me some sugar, baby.

No, not again.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

We... We k*lled him.

- Oh, well.
- We were going to do it anyway.

We got his credit cards.
What's to worry?

(ENGINE STARTING)

So, where to now?

Anyplace is fine by me,
as long as it's away from that guy.

(BOTH SHRIEK)

Quick. In the toy store.

Oh!

(RUMBLING)

I'll bet you've been
a good little Batboy this year.

Unfortunately, Harley and I
are still on the naughty list.

HARLEY: Come on up
and get your presents.

Merry Christmas, darling.

(GRUNTS)

And Happy New Year, chump.

(CLATTERING)

Aw, gee, Harley, you broke our new toy.

Bye-bye, Batsy.

(GRUNTS)

Yikes!

Well, here's
your stupid tree. You happy?

Yeah.

Mmm!

It's perfect. Dad will love it.

(CHILD CRYING LOUDLY)

I've heard of kids
being afraid of Santa,

but they've been crying all day.

(CRYING CONTINUES)

Ah, you big crybaby. (BELCHES)

Next!

I don't believe it.

You know, you could be
a little more jolly, St. Nick.

Give me a break, Montoya.

This is the lamest stakeout
I've ever been on.

We'd better get some lead
on this invisible shoplifter soon or--

You're not the real Santa Claus.

Sure I am. Wanna see my g*n?
Ow!

My name is Mary McSweeney, Santa.

Can you bring
my daddy home for Christmas?

Gee, kid, I don't know.

- Where is your pop?
- In prison.

You mean your dad is Mad Dog--

- I mean, Mike McSweeney?
- Uh-huh.

Poor kid. I sent her old man
up the river three months ago.

Listen, kiddo, it's like this.

I'd like to help you out, but,
uh, uh, er...

What I mean is,

sometimes even Santa can't make
every wish come true. Ah...

- Here, kid. Buy yourself something nice.
- Thank you, Santa.

- Can I buy something for my daddy too?
- As long as it ain't a hacksaw, why not?

Wait a minute.

Hold it right there, young...

Man?

And a bag of marbles,

and a football and...

WOMAN OVER RADIO: Juvenile suspects seen
heading towards Menswear.

- There are four of them.
- And a monster...

All have been observed shoplifting.
Detectives are in pursuit.

- Wake up, Harvey, we're on.
- And a speedboat, and a--

(SHOUTS)

Stop!

Hold it!

Hey, kid!

Halt! Police!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Madre de Dios. Clayface!

(GROANS)

(CROWD GASPING AND SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

(CROWD CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Hold it, freak, or we'll drill you.

Ooh, you're scaring me, tubby.

(GURGLES AND SPITS)

Great thing about being a shape-shifter.
I can blend in with the crowd outside,

make my getaway,
and rip off some other joint.

Once you two are out of the way,
ain't gonna be no one to stop me.

Don't bet on it, gruesome.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Run! Clear the area. Now!

(GROWLS)

(SHOUTS)

(GROWLS)

Aim high.

Don't waste your a*mo on him.

- sh**t the Santa!
- You wouldn't.

Not you, dope. That Santa.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

Phew!

Well, so much for Frosty the Lawn Cigar.

- Let's get a cup of joe.
- Not so fast, Santa.

We still have to recover the evidence.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes. Roll up those sleeves.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

COMMENTATOR: The ball is snapped.

Alteire fades back,
looking for an opening--

Hi-ho, couch potatoes.

I'm interrupting
the Toilet Bowl to bring you

my very special New Year's resolution.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Starting tonight at midnight,

I, your loving Uncle Joker,
do solemnly vow

not to k*ll anyone for a whole year.

Which means I'm going
to have to work extra fast

to bump off a few more of you today.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Hysterical.

As to who, how and when,
let's make that a game.

A countdown of victims
that will end at midnight

unless our dear Dark Knight
stops me first.

Joker broadcast that message at noon.

Since then,
only one victim has turned up.

Dr. John Erickson,
a pioneer in sonic research at GothCorp.

Says here he was working
on some special w*apon.

A sort of sonic b*mb.

Once activated,
the device releases waves of hypersound.

Strong enough
to k*ll anyone within earshot.

Unless they're wearing
these special mufflers.

Joker's got the b*mb
and he's gonna use it tonight.

He promised a countdown of victims.

And there's no bigger countdown
on New Year's Eve

than at Gotham Square.

(CROWD CHEERING IN DISTANCE)

(BATS SCREECHING)

I love New Year's Eve.
So many happy faces.

How's it coming, boys?

All set, boss. We hooked up
the boom box just like you told us.

Once the bell reaches the clock,

everyone's getting a real bad earache.

I really have
to congratulate myself on this one.

It's almost magic time,
and Batman is nowhere in sight.

Of course, he does have
that annoying habit of spoiling my fun

at the last minute.

So I wisely stocked up on party favors.

("AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYING FAINTLY
ON PIANO)

- You're sure he'll be here?
- With m*rder on this scale,

Joker will be close by
to enjoy his handiwork.

Even in this crowd,
he'll stick out like a sore thumb.

(CROWD LAUGHS AND CHEERS)

You were saying?

Oop!

Not only has Joker found
the perfect hiding place,

he's fixed it so all his victims
will die with a smile.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

There.

Those clowns are wearing sound mufflers.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

Heh, heh.

(STRANGLED GROWL)

(CONTINUOUS GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

Batman!

Poor Bats.
That champagne went right to your head.

Now you'll miss the big countdown.

CROWD: Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one.

(STRANGLED GRUNT)

Oh, no.

(CLANGING CRASH)

ALL: Happy New Year!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Ouch!

ALL: (SINGING)
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind? ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ In days of Auld Lang Syne? ♪

Sorry, fellas. Closing time.

MAN: But we wanna sing.

So start practicing for St. Paddy's Day.

Hey! Hey!

JOE: Happy New Year, Commish.

I heard your buddy had a rough night.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he didn't show this time.

And break our tradition?
In fact, unless I miss my guess,

that's him now.

- How's that arm?
- Better than the Joker's.

- GORDON: Close one this time.
- They're all close ones.

Well, here's to survival.

Hopefully we'll be doing
this again next New Year's Eve.

Hopefully.

And now, Joe, if I could get one
of your famous cheese steaks to go.

I'll be ready to call it a night.
Anything for y--

One of these years,
I'm going to b*at him to the check.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)