03x07 - Joker's Millions

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(GROWL)

Missed me.

(GASPS) Hey!

- Quick. More b*ll*ts.
- Sorry, pudding, that was the last clip.

You know how expensive they are.

(GROANS)

Sounds like someone turned off
your cash flow.

If it's a flow you want,
I'm happy to oblige.

(JOKER CACKLING)

Doh!

My eye!

Sucker.

Come on!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Well, that was a complete fiasco.

If we weren't so strapped for cash,
I'd never have touched this job.

- Give me the loot.
- Don't you have it?

Me? You were the last one to...
I thought I told you to get gas!

We're broke, remember?
What was I supposed to do,

fill the t*nk, sh**t the guy,
and drive off?

Mmm-hmm.

Now you tell me!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Whoops! Time to eject.

Hey, where's mine?

JOKER: Sorry, kiddo.
I could only afford one.

You cheap, penny-pinching,
pasty-faced creep!

I'll get you for this,
you lousy tightwad!

(SCREAMS)

A letter came for you today,
Mr., uh, Kerr.

By the way, you're two weeks
late with your rent.

Sue me.

(BUD AND LOU LAUGHING)

Alas, the bitter jest of fate.

The once-mighty Joker without
two nickels to rub together.

(BUD AND LOU WHIMPERING)

Yeah, yeah. You're hungry, I'm hungry.

Do me a favor and eat each other,
will you?

"Dear sir, we regret to
inform you of the passing

"of Mr. Edward,
a.k.a. 'King' Barlowe..."

Ooh, there's good news. I hated him.

"Who, in accordance with his last
wishes, has bequeathed to you the total

"$ million"?

Whoo-hoo!

(CHEERS)

Good old King Barlowe.

I take back almost all the nasty things
I ever said about him.

- Mwah!
- (BUD AND LOU HOWLING)

Bud, Lou, our ship has come in, boys.
We're gonna spend, spend, spend!

And I know just what we'll buy first.

If a man's filled with glee,
that man must go free.

RYDER: That was the scene outside
the city courthouse today

where, after weeks of litigation,

the Joker's criminal record
has been wiped clean

by his one-time gangland rival,
King Barlowe.

As followers of this remarkable story
know, Gotham's most notorious criminal

was recently willed a huge fortune
in cash, jewels, and gold.

It doesn't make sense. King hated
the Joker, but he left him everything.

I was King's bodyguard for years,
and he left me zip.

(GROANS)

Armed with his newfound wealth,
the Joker put together

a pricey defense team to polish
his less-than-sterling reputation.

The Joker is not some animal
to be locked away in a cage.

He's a thinking, feeling human being.

I subjected him to a thorough
psychological examination,

assessing his subconscious
reflex responses

to the most provocative of stimuli.

And I can safely say
he is a criminal no more.

RYDER: How do you respond
to charges that Joker

is simply bribing his way to freedom?

I won't even dignify that
with a response.

And there you have it. At this hour,
the Joker is not only a free man,

- but a wealthy one.
- There's justice for you.

Well, now that he's rich,
maybe he'll give up crime.

Argh!

Right. I'll call d*ck.

You sure the Joker's inside?

Penguin's throwing him
a "going legit" party.

Sorry, we're full up tonight.

Shoo-Shoo!

Gee, you'd never think
Penguin would turn away

the police commissioner's daughter.

Egad, Gordon's brat. My dear Ms. Gordon,
how nice to see you.

Welcome, have fun.
And by all means, send the bill to me.

- Thank you, Mr. Cobblepot.
- Lousy little freeloader.

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(SEA LIONS BARKING)

(CACKLING)

(CONTINUES CACKLING)

- What's the scheme this time, Joker?
- No scheme at all, old bird.

I'm free, I'm rich and I'm loving it.

I'm sure old Batboy
is eating his heart out.

(CHUCKLES)

Living well is the best revenge.

(CLINKING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All set?

Let's do it.

Everybody down!

(INDISCRIMINATE sh**ting)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

BODYGUARD: Not you, clown.

I should have been the one
to get Barlowe's money.

At least I'll make sure
you'll never enjoy it.

I hope you've made out your will, Joker.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

(GROANS)

- (GROANS)
- (GLASS SHATTERING)

(GRUNTS)

Ooh!

(SEA LIONS BARKING)

Well done, kiddies.

We were trying to save innocent lives.
You're just an unpleasant bonus.

(CHUCKLES)

Be that as it may, your grateful
Uncle Joker wants to thank you.

Here, stick this in your piggy banks.

(LAUGHTER)

Let the good times roll!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(JOVIAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

You're pathetic, you know that?

Come on, Red. So Mr. J
got a little stressed over money.

Now that he's loaded,
pudding will buy my way out, too.

Yeah, right. Sure thing, Harl.

"Joker seeks new henchgirl."

HARLEY: (SCREAMING) I'll k*ll him!

(DOG BARKING)

Hey, boss. Why didn't you buy Harley
a ticket out of the bin, too?

Now, now, Ernie.
Mustn't be too extravagant.

Besides, it's cheaper to hire a new one.

Too fat.

Too small.

Too old.

No.

Darn!

Whoa!

Drown the kids and sh**t the neighbors.
We've got a winner.

Whoo! Thank you, Mr. G. I promise
I'll be the best Harley ever.

- (GIGGLES)
- Maybe I should've hired the fat guy.

JOKER: Ernie, take Fake Harley here
and show her the ropes.

You got it.

FAKE HARLEY: This job
has a k plan, right?

- Sure.
- PERRY: Excuse me, Mr. Joker.

Sorry, the henchgirl role
has been filled.

And quite nicely, too.

Oh, no, sir. I'm not here for a job.
My name is Perry.

I'm from the Internal Revenue Service.

Ah, yes.

Seems to me I've heard
of that little organization.

Then you must realize,
as Mr. Barlowe's sole beneficiary,

you owe us
a tidy bit of inheritance tax.

Now, $ million minus Uncle Sam's
current state and federal percentages...

This should clear up your account.

(SCREAMING)

A hundred and thirty-seven million?

Yes, and if I don't pay up,
I'll go to jail for tax evasion.

I'm crazy enough to take on Batman.
But the IRS? No, thank you.

Ahhh!

- Hey, Mr. G, this money looks weird.
- JOKER: What do you mean?

It's a plain old pack of hundreds. See?
There's Ben Franklin's chubby little...

What? King Barlowe?

He's on this stack. And this one.

He's on every one of these thousands.

- I don't understand.
- ERNIE: Hey, boss.

I found this.

Hiya, Joker.
If you're playing this tape,

you probably figured out
you've been had.

Yeah, I left you some cash,
but only $ million,

which, knowing you,
you've already blown.

All the other stuff, money,
jewels and gold, it's all fake.

See? I always hated your guts,
and this was the perfect payback.

By now, you're probably
out of real money.

The IRS is after you.
And you can't admit I fooled you,

or you'll be the laughing stock
of the underworld.

The joke's on you, sucker.
I got the last laugh after all.

(LAUGHTER)

(COUGHING)

(INHALES)

(g*nsh*t)

If I don't pay my taxes,
I'll go to jail,

but if I admit Barlowe duped me,
I'll look like a fool.

Maybe you could raise the cash
by pulling one of your classic routines.

- Like them laughing fish.
- Good idea, Ernie.

Let's let Batman know I did it so he can
kick my keister right back into Arkham.

(GRUNTS)

(CRASHING)

Dope.

Fake Harley, any ideas?

Anything you say, Mr. G.

(LAUGHTER)

(GROWLS)

(GASPS)

No, boss!

(SIGHS)

Who'd ever think I'd miss the real one?

(ALARM BLARING)

Harley Quinn's escaped!

GUARD : Seal all exits!

GUARD : Maybe she went down
the laundry chute.

GUARD : None of these yahoos
are crazy enough to pull that old stunt.

(SCOFFS)

Help, help! Ivy! Anybody!
Get me out of here!

(SOFT JAZZ PLAYING)

My dear Mr. Wayne, I'm delighted
to have you in my humble nest.

I thought I'd take in the atmosphere.

(JOKER LAUGHS)

Well, well, Bruce Wayne. Join me.
A bottle of your best, my dear.

- For my guest.
- You'll understand if I refuse.

The last time we met,
you tried to throw me off a building.

I did? Well, that was so long ago.

It was last month.

Well, gotta be going.

This is starting to get to me.

- What?
- Should have used more makeup, Ernie.

(ERNIE YELLS)

BATMAN: Why the disguise, Ernie?
Where is he?

ERNIE: I don't know
what you're talking about!

He can't thr*aten my guests.

BATMAN: Let me jog your memory.

- ERNIE: No! (SPLUTTERING)
- (TOILET FLUSHING)

MAN: (OVER RADIO)
Armored car one, report.

Routine money disbursal from
Gotham Mint proceeding as planned.

Good. Your police escort is waiting.

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

(ALL GASP)

Stop!

(CHOKING AND COUGHING)

No laughing gas, no grins,

no way Batboy can trace this back to me.

ALL: Whoa!

Hey, keep the boat in the water!

This definitely wasn't
in the job description.

Ah!

It's been so long since
I've seen the real thing.

Hello, Ben, George, Abe.

(BATMOBILE ZOOMING)

No!

(GRUNTING)

(COCKS g*n)

(GRUNTS)

Ahhh!

(SCREAMS)

No! My fortune!

(JOKER GROANING)

Don't be stupid.
You can't save that money.

I don't want to save it,
I want to go with it. (SOBBING)

(GRUNTS)

You'd better call your fancy lawyers.

Here.

(COIN CLINKS)

It's on me.

Honest, they told me it was
an equity gig.

Okay, get him out of here.

After all, it's only money.

(CACKLING)

So I'll let the taxpayers
foot my bill again.

Besides, it'll be nice
to see the old g*ng.

One of them's dying
to see you too, pudding.

- Harley?
- The one and only.

You... You don't know
how happy I am to see you.

Welcome to the club.

(CACKLES NERVOUSLY)

JOKER: Now, baby, I can...
Ow! Explain!

- (JOKER GROANING)
- (BLOWS LANDING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)