03x22 - Chemistry

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Get ready, ladies.

(WOMEN CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

- Over here!
- Over here!

(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)

Any prospects on the horizon, Susan?

MAN: Uh, excuse me.

Uh, Ma'am, can I get a sh*t of you
with the fellow that caught the garter?

He's, uh, he's right over there.

Uh, you two just stand right there.

Uh, move in a little closer, please.
And, sir?

Could you hold that garter
just a little bit higher?

- I hate these things.
- Me too.

And with pantyhose,
who needs them anymore?

Uh, I meant these big formal affairs.

I knew what you meant.

I was just trying to make you laugh.

You seem so grim.

- I've heard that said before.
- VERONICA: Bruce.

I see
you've met Michael's friend Susan.

I have. And if friends are any indication,
you've made an excellent choice, Veronica.

Yes, I think number four
will be the charm.

I'd have introduced you sooner,
but it was all so sudden.

A two-week courtship?
Why would you call that sudden?

It was chemistry, Bruce.

Maybe someday it'll happen to you.

Come on, Veronica. You know me.

(PLAYING SOFT JAZZ)

Yuck! I hate slow-dancing.

You might find it useful someday.

Then again, maybe not.

(CAR HONKING)

There's my ride. See you, Barb.

You came just at the right time.

For you perhaps, but apparently
not for Master Bruce.

Did you hear me? Are you listening?

I said, those four guys
we've been looking for

just went into that store down there.

I heard you.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

That's it? This is all you got?

- (GRUNTS)
- Where's the rest?

There is no more. It was a slow night.

- See if he's telling the truth.
- (GASPS)

You know how.

(GASPS)

(GROANING)

(GASPS)

Now, I got me a hostage

and we're getting out of here.

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

I said there were four of them,
remember? Four.

(BATS CHITTERING)

- He's acting weird, Alfred.
- With him, how does one tell?

Trust me, I know. It's like his mind
is somewhere else tonight.

- Where do you suppose he went?
- Who knows?

But I'll bet it's real important.

(HORNS HONKING IN DISTANCE)

SUSAN: I was
so glad you called, Bruce.

I've been thinking about you a lot
since the wedding.

I've been thinking about you too.

Never thought
I'd hear from you though.

- Why is that?
- Aren't you the one who's always so busy?

I guess I did say that, didn't I?

But I have a feeling
all that's about to change.

My favorite. How'd you know?

Lucky guess.

Everything's changed for me
these last few weeks.

The pain of my parents' deaths...

It's still there,
but it seems smaller.

- And there's a new feeling now.
- Which would be...

It's a lightness, a sense that things
will work out for the best.

- It's called happiness.
- Whatever it is, I like it.

And I know who's responsible for it.

I've asked Susan to marry me.

She's accepted.

She's everything I need.
She's perfect.

There's just one problem.

That.

How you gonna keep it from her?

I won't have to.

I always assumed that sooner or later

the three of you would get all this.

Well, it's gonna be sooner.

I'm not going to be Batman anymore.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

(TINKLING)

A toast to Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Wayne.

May you always be as happy
as you are right now.

(ALL CHEERING)

WOMAN: Hear, hear.
MAN: Right on.

It's so much like a fairy tale.
Except for one thing.

- What's that?
- Veronica.

The person who introduced us
didn't show up.

Well, you know Ronnie.

- I give it a month.
- You don't think the marriage will last?

Not that. I'm saying he'll have
the costume on again in a month.

I don't think so. He's changed.

- Yeah, right.
- Anyone can change and settle down.

- Even you.
- Don't get your hopes up.

(SCOFFS) As if.

So, where you headed for the honeymoon?

We've chartered a yacht
with some other newlyweds. We--

Master Bruce.
There's a phone call for you.

Alfred, it's my wedding day.

It's an emergency. Ms. Vreeland.

(LAUGHING)

Veronica? Is everything all right?

No, it's Michael. Something's wrong!
Something terrible!

What, Veronica? Tell me.

You're not gonna believe me, but--

But what? Hello?

(GASPS)

(VERONICA SCREAMING)

Hello? Veronica!

- What is it?
- She's in trouble.

- I know this is our party, but--
- She needs you.

You won't mind?

She's your friend. Go.

How'd you get to be so perfect?

Mmm.

What did you tell him about me?

Nothing. I swear!

Liar!

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

(BEEPS)

I wouldn't try it.
Latest thing in home security.

They'll fry you.

(GASPS)

Ouch.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Veronica! It's Bruce!

(GRUNTS)

(CRASHING)

Veronica!

(BEEPS)

(WOOD CREAKS)

(MACHINE BEEPING)

- How is she?
- The doctors hope

she'll regain consciousness
in a few hours. Where have you been?

I was at a business meeting.
When I came back,

the house was in ashes.
I was afraid that--

I got there just as the fire started.

We were lucky.

Any idea why she called me?
Some sort of a problem?

Problem? No, everything was fine.

Well, that's another mystery then.

Another?

The investigators think
the fire was arson.

- Someone's trying to k*ll her?
- Maybe.

But they're not going to. I've hired some
security guards to keep an eye on her.

I know
that'll be a big relief for you.

Yeah.

I'll be calling in soon.
Take care of her, Michael.

(DIALING)

(LINE RINGING)

You two keep tabs on him.

I've got a honeymoon cruise to take.

- What are you doing here?
- Ivy, I had to talk to you.

You're supposed to be
with the Vreeland woman.

Something went wrong. I...
I tried to k*ll her.

(GRUNTS)

Who told you to do that? We were going
to wait for the cruise, remember?

Ivy, I didn't mean to jump the g*n,
but there was no choice.

She was getting suspicious.

- What did she have to be suspicious about?
- This.

I'm changing back.

Oh. If it's happening to you,
it'll happen to the others too.

I don't have
as much time as I thought.

What about me? Veronica knows.

(GAGGING)

Consider this your annulment.
Now, come with me.

- Did you see the--
- Yeah. And we've got a boat to catch.

Hey!

I can't move.

(GASPS)

(STRUGGLING)

That's not all.

(GROWLING)

Give me your hand. I'll pull us out.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

From bad to worse.

(ROARING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Yep, just the way I planned it.

Better hope we can find
some more of this stuff.

Lots more.

I was always afraid a relationship
would require too much time,

and too many compromises.

But with Susan,
it's all been so effortless.

Same with Marie. I feel like
I'm the luckiest man in the world

every time I look into those
great big green eyes of hers.

Christine's eyes are green too.

Never thought
I'd find anyone like her.

You see, I'm one of those
compulsive types.

Everything in its place.

What woman would put up with that?

But Christine got with the program
right away.

That's nothing. I hate spending money.
Who'd tolerate that?

But Marie squeezes a dime
even harder than I do.

She's perfect.

Yeah, perfect.

You're awfully quiet, Wayne. Wayne?

Why are you
interrogating me like this?

Too much perfection.
And too many green eyes.

What are you talking about?

Let's just say
I wanna know more about you.

Where you came from, your friends,
your relatives.

(SIGHS) You're just being silly.

(GASPS)

You're not leaving this cabin
until you tell me.

Well?

What are you?

Why, Bruce, I'm your wife.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

This is Poison Ivy's work, isn't it?

She must've grown you in her lab,

then coated you with those
pheromones she uses.

(GROANING)

The pheromones
were just to get your attention.

After that, it was all me.

The perfect wife.
So giving, so understanding.

(GROANS)

I should've known. It was too easy.

Relationships
aren't supposed to be easy.

Even I know that,
and I'm just a vegetable.

(MEN SCREAM)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

- SUSAN: Open this door now!
- (BANGING ON DOOR)

How dare you treat your wife this way!

- (PASSENGERS SCREAMING)
- (ALARM BLARING)

- What's going on?
- The seaweed.

(STAMMERS) I've never seen
anything like it.

(BOTH GASP)

What is this? Who are you?
What do you want?

No time for fighting.
No time for anything, in fact.

This ship doesn't have much longer.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Relax, relax.
You're not going to drown.

Well, not all of you anyway.

As I speak, my seaweed's
crushing your hull.

Soon, the cold seawater
will hit your hot boiler and...

Boom.

Now, I know a lot of you are thinking,

(GASPS) "Who's going to take care
of my vast industrial complex?"

The answer is, your mates.

- (GASPS)
- I worked long and hard to create them.

Perfect mates.
And soon perfect heirs and heiresses.

Once they have your fortunes,
I'll have your fortunes.

- (RUMBLING)
- (PASSENGERS GASPING)

Time to disembark.

So long, Cheapskate.

(FLIGHT APPROACHING)

So how's the honeymoon?

Wait. Where's Susan Wayne?

Find her. Now!

Are we just gonna stand here
while she does this to us?

(PASSENGERS YELLING)

(BOTH YELPING)

Ha!

(SCREAMING)

Eat trichloroethane, broccoli boy.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Time for a goodnight kiss.

(STRAINING)

(GASPS)

POISON IVY: So you're here, too.

(YELLING)

(COUGHING)

(LAUGHS) Pucker up.

ROBIN: Kiss this.

(GROANS)

(METAL GROANING)

(PASSENGERS SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

We're sinking. Come on.

(YELLING)

(ENGINE STARTS)

- (BOTH STRUGGLING)
- Go!

(POISON IVY SCREAMS)

Help me!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)