03x23 - Beware the Creeper

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

JACK RYDER:
Seven years ago this very night,

the clown prince of crime, the Joker,
was born on this spot.

Since then,
Gotham has repeatedly been rocked

by the att*cks
of this criminal madman.

Who is he? Where did he come from?

What diabolical scheme
is he plotting even now?

I'm Jack Ryder. Join me as we answer
these questions and more

on Joker:
The Madness Behind the Laughter.

RYDER ON TV:
His true identity unknown.

Operating under a variety of aliases,

a nameless gunsel
began his criminal career

as a hit man for the Valestra mob.
Then he struck out on his own.

- Formed a g*ng.
- Come on, Bruce.

How many times
do you have to hear this stuff?

- First target, the Ace Chemical Plant.
- Oh, I forgot. Mr. Obsessive.

It was a foolproof plan.

Or was it? The daring break-in.

The first confrontation
with the Batman.

Conflict. Struggle.

A vat of chemicals.
A life changed forever.

Former identity, erased.

New persona? The Joker.

Uh-oh. Looks like Ryder's got
a surprise guest star.

Driven mad
by his unlikely transformation,

- Joker soon began his reign of terror.
- Think Bats saw you, puddy tat?

Oh, he did, he did.
He'd never miss a show about me.

He's my biggest fan.
But just in case...

(COUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, wait, what's going on here?
We're live.

No, I'm live. You're dead.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I assure you that what you're seeing

is really no joke. (LAUGHING)

Help.

Help.

(LAUGHING)

(RYDER LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)

Let's show the folks at home
what really happened seven years ago.

I'll be Batman, you be me.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(LAUGHS)

(HARLEY GASPS)

And they say I'm crazy.

Make our old friend
feel unwelcome, boys.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Come on, boys, let's grab him.

(GRUNTING)

- (CLANGS)
- (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Let me at him. Let me at him.

What determination.
Give that man a cigar.

Fireworks make me all tingly inside.

(GRUNTING)

- Robin?
- Over here, Batman.

Guess again, kiddo.

(GRUNTS)

(ALARM SOUNDING)

(GASPS)

How about that, Bats?

You broke my face and got
seven years of bad luck.

Are you going to try for ?

Or are you going to raise
that anchorman out of the ocean?

(SNICKERING)

Breaking news! And if you broke it,
you have to pay for it.

And now the weather. Partly gaga
with a % chance of schizophrenia.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Feeling pretty good. For a dead guy.
(CACKLING)

(GASPS) Ahhh!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, that was unexpected.
I better slow down here,

try to figure out logically
what's going on.

(GEARS TURNING)

- (SPRING POPPING)
- Whoa, that hurt.

Okay, we'll come back to that.

Excuse me, lady. I seem to be having

- a wee bit of an identity crisis.
- (SHRIEKS)

Okay, I love you. Bye-bye. Whoo!

It's official. My TVQ's in the toilet.
I gotta avenge myself

and pull the plug on the Joker's show.

(SNIFFS) Ugh!

But first...

Wardrobe.

(SHOPPERS CLAMORING)

No. Nope. No. No!

It's been done. Any suggestions?

- With your coloring, I'd go green.
- Gotcha.

(FABRIC RIPPING)

- What about the boa? Too much?
- Not for you, baby.

I wanna strike terror
into the hearts of criminals.

Cash or plastic?

Plastic. (LAUGHING)

Ha. Funny.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(HORN HONKING)

ALFRED: Sir,
something you may find interesting.

Go ahead, Alfred.

The police just received a call
about a giggling lemon-yellow maniac

trashing a thrift shop.
But here's the strange part.

He paid for his purchase
with Jack Ryder's credit card.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

I can't believe it.

The buzz on the street
is someone's stealing my routine.

Is there no honor among thieves?

Mo!

Lar. Cur!

HARLEY: I gave them
the night off, pudding.

(SINGING) ♪ Happy Anniversary, Mr. J ♪

♪ You're really swell and okay ♪

♪ It's seven years to the day ♪

♪ Take the night off ♪
♪ Let's play ♪

Harley.

Wanna try some of my pie?

Harley.

I'm sure you'll want seconds.

Harley, I'm not in the party mood.
If you really wanna make me happy...

(SCREAMING)

...find the plagiarist
who's been stealing my act!

(HYENAS CACKLING)

Ugh! Sweet kid, but a lousy cook.

(CACKLING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

I know you. Last time we met,
you were working for,

dramatic pause, the Joker.

We don't know nothing
about no Joker, creep.

Creep? Creep? I like it.

My new name, the Creep.
No, wait. Too negative.

I have it! I am... Drum roll, please.

I said, "Drum roll, please!"

- Hey!
- I am...

The Creeper!

So tell me.
From one sociopath to another,

where is the Joker?

His girlfriend's throwing him a party.
Invitation only.

Darn it!
Left the invite in my other pants.

- So, what's the address again?
- Oh, don't crash Joker's party.

We're gonna throw our own bash.

I spent hours baking that pie.
Does he show any appreciation?

No.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(CREEPER LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

THUG : Hey, come here.
THUG : Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hand over Joker. Now.

HARLEY: What about the Joker?

(GASPS)

Baby!

(GRUNTING)

Hey, you're the guy
swiping Mr. J's act.

Not me.

I'm one of a kind, toots. (CHUCKLES)

- What do you want?
- The inside story on the Joker.

Also, your phone number. (MEOWS)

(GRUNTING)

- I see you found him.
- You'll never take me alive, Batman.

(SHRIEKING)

(GRUNTS)

- (EXCLAIMING)
- (GRUNTING)

Booga, booga.

- (HARLEY GRUNTING)
- (CACKLING)

- Ooh. Feisty, kooky. I like her.
- (HARLEY GRUNTS)

That's right, mama.
Hurt me. I've been bad.

- Knock it off, creep.
- Creep-er.

Well, you are agile.
I'll give you that.

- And what else will you give me?
- Come here and see.

That's one way out of a bad date.

- We have to get him out.
- Got a mop?

Whoo! I like a girl who plays rough.

- But she just tried to k*ll you.
- You're young, you'll learn.

- Who are you?
- They call me

yellow-skinned wacky man.

- But I prefer the Creeper.
- Call Arkham, quick.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(SNIFFING)

Jilted madman st*lks crazy clown girl.
Film at : .

ROBIN: Film at : ?
You don't think...

The chemicals in the vat could have
interacted with Joker's laughing gas.

And he had Ryder's credit card.

ROBIN: You mean, that's Jack Ryder?
The news guy?

BATMAN: What's left of him.

My love awaits.

- Mr. J! Mr. J!
- (JOKER EXCLAIMING)

You nearly blew us to Chattahoochee!

You gotta save me, pudding.
He's after me.

And who, precisely, would that be?

Harley, I'm home!

- Him!
- (GASPS)

Wow, it does strike fear
into the hearts of criminals.

He's the creep
who's stealing your act.

And that's not all, Mr. Happy.
I'm stealing your girl, too. (CACKLES)

I swear, Mr. J,
I didn't encourage him.

That's okay, pooh.
I know you're a one-man loon.

(SQUEAKS PLAYFULLY)

There's only room
for one clown prince in this town.

How would you like an all-expense
paid trip to Metropolis?

On Air-Nitro?

Which way did he go?

(b*mb EXPLODING)

That way.

(CREEPER CACKLING)

(SIGHING)

Aw, sweetie got a boo-boo?

(GRUNTS)

Aw. Creep-o got a concussion?

(CACKLING) Huh?

Stall them, doll face.
I'll get the car.

No, thanks. I've had my windows done.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(BLADE SLICING)

(HORN HONKING)

Mr. J, over here.

Step on it, Harl.

Gangway. (LAUGHING)

I'm hot-wired and in hot pursuit.
(CHUCKLING)

Hey, fish in a barrel. (LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

Creeper, stop the car. Now!

Wipers.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, boy. Incoming!

(GASPS)

- (EXCLAIMING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

(ALL YELLING)

- (GRUNTS)
- (SCREAMING)

- (STRUGGLING)
- (CACKLING)

- Bye-bye. (WHOOPS)
- (SCREAMS)

He's a lunatic.

(HARLEY STRUGGLING)

Baby, on you, even garbage looks good.

Go away.

Mmm.

Huh?

(CHUCKLING) Sleepy.

(SNORING)

So this antidote patch
is the only thing between me

and a room at Arkham.

It's temporary.
I'll need to make more.

Thanks, but I might as well
have dissolved in that vat.

- My career--
- BATMAN: Is salvageable.

No one else knows
you were the Creeper.

Keep wearing the patch
and it'll stay that way.

A little piece of cotton.
Hard to believe.

(CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)