02x02 - You're the Bean

[bunniefuu]

Hey! Help! How is it that nobody can hear me?

I'm the loudest guy in Dreamland.

I know you're up there! I can hear you tiptoein' around! Oh, it's no use.

I'm trapped.

Ah, jeez! Why'd I drink a gallon of water before I got in the coffin?

And then another gallon while I was in the coffin?

And I'm still thirsty! Oh, Pendergast, you were my only hope.

Now you're dead and just a Penderghost.

Wait a minute.

Turbish and Mertz know the plan.

They'll save me.

Hey, Mertz, did we forget something?

Weren't we supposed to meet someone right about now?

Not again.

Depressing birthday to you Depressing birthday to you Oh, who am I foolin', waitin' on those yutzes?

I gotta figure out how to escape on my own.

Lucky I brought a figurin'

-out cigar.

I just figured out this was a bad idea.

It's quiet.

Maybe they're making up.

Are we even listening to the same door?

Run! My mom's not just messing with heads, she's eating them.

Oh, Bean.

Running from your mother is so last year.

Elfo's more of a mother to me than you! Oh, this ruins so many fantasies but opens up so many new ones.

Ha! They can't get to us.

We can take a breather.

Hey, Bug Eyes, how you like this moon?

Ruh

-roh.

What the Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Your face, sorry, sorry.

Anybody remember how we get out of this?

Ugh! Oh, good, you found the dungeon.

Whoa! You know, it's a shame it had to end up this way.



- I really do love you.



- Then set me free.

Not that much.

Actually, pretending to care about your feelings was exhausting.

And I no longer have to call you "darling.

" Great.

How about you also stop calling me "honey," "sweetie" and "disappointment"?



- Have it your way, fat

-arse.



- Flat

-ass!

- Elf diddler!

- Skull sucker!

- Destiny denier!

- Prophecy hag! Squirrel face! Well, at least I don't have a small waist and long legs! Yeah, you should slump.

Somebody let me out of here! I'm too young to be buried in a coffin and too old to get out of it on my own.

Okay, Zøg, get a hold of yourself.

You're not gonna die immediately.

You're just gonna be in this little box for all eternity, where you can't breathe or move or scratch.

And I got itches comin'! Oh, no, they're here.

In all the worst places! Man, what is this, like, the fourth time we've been imprisoned against our will?

Fifth, if you count Elfo's xylophone recital.



- Off, that was a long night.



- Hey.

There's somebody in here.

Bean, do what you do best.

Take your mommy issues out on someone else.

Ow! Oh, it's just Leavo.

"Just Leavo"?

This is Leavo, as in, "Speak no more of Leavo, Speako.

" Uh, I don't know Speako.

Leavo, as in, dread pirate Leavo! He b*at me up, remember?

Oh, yeah.

So, Leavo, what you in for?

It's a long story, but seeing as you'll never get out, pull up a seat.

Thank God we found that Zøg look

-alike.

Once we know the real one's dead for sure, we can start Phase Two.

This is the sinister plot that just keeps giving.

As long as the boy doesn't start asking impertinent questions.

What's "impertinent" mean?

Derek, I didn't see you there.

That's 'cause I crept up on my little cat feet.

They're made from the feet of sixteen actual cats.

So, may I see my father?

I brought him some soup to cheer his soul.

Souls are meant for damnation, not soup! Oh, whatever, get in there.

But don't get too close, Derek.

Death is contagious.

Sixteen cat feet.

Father, I brought you your favorite meal, food! I'll just put it here by your bed.

I love you, Father.

We're fooling him so good.

Fooling foolish fools is so satisfying.

Here we are, my boy.

Go in, that's right.

Get the hell in there.

Safe and sound.

If something happens to you, the kingdom would be without a ruler.

We don't want that, do we?

But then they could set up a socialist utopia Oh, my, you've already become delirious.

You'd best get to beddy

-bye, sire.

I'm not tired.

You wanna play with me?

You could be my new friend, since my dad is so sick he grew tusks.

Then, I'd have two friends.

Counting myself.

Okay, I really must go.

It's Mertz's mom's birthday.

Impressive.

Imprisoning a king in his room like a common criminal.

Oh, that's delightfully craven.

I don't deserve your praise.

Derek loves being confined in his room.

He even locks himself in.

Yay! I'm Bedroom Boy! Sad.

And there I was, minding my own business, rummaging through their treasures, when the Trøgs nabbed me.

They tried to get me to talk, and I tried to get them to blink.

Both of us failed.

Then they locked me in here.

Why would they lock you up?

You're puny and irritating just like them.

It was the big lady with the white hair.

The one who looks like her.

They do whatever she tells them, like she's some kind of voluptuous goddess.

I can't blame 'em.

That's one fine lady I wouldn't leave

-o.

Okay, I get it.

I have a hot mom.

Are you gonna wipe your drool and help me or not?

Uh, if you wanted help, you should've found Helpo.

Oh, wait, he d*ed trying to help me.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I'm gonna die.

On the bright side, I'm gonna see all my dead relatives.

Wait! I k*lled most of them.

Oh, no! Help! Help us! Somebody, help! Help us! Luci! Stop making that racket.

I will shank you.

Prison's changed you, Bean.

Wanna be even more annoyed?

I can fit through the bars.

Ow, my nose! You got a visitor, bub.

Yikes.

Hiya, Elfo! Ugh! Trixy.

What do you want?

Can't you see I'm busy?

I brought something to help you escape.

It's inside the cake, ding

-dong.

Hurry, Elfo.

Get through the icing.

Uh, what the hell is this?

It's me.

Naked.

I thought you said this was gonna help me escape.

I meant, mentally.

Yeah, no, thanks.

Ugh, screw this.

Let me go, bub.



- Luci!

- I'm on it.

Ow! Hey! Stop it, bub! Elfo, punch his kidneys.

Elfo! Spit out that frosting and get over here.

Oh, sorry.

Every single time, it's cake with you.

It's not even good cake.

Hey! Ta

-da! Bean's dead.

Daddy's gonna die.

And New Mommy and New Daddy "need a break" from me because I'm "extremely grating.

" There's only one thing left to do hide under my bed.

Hey, what's this?

"Son, someday this book might help you like it helped me when I was a scared little boy hiding under my bed" "just like you are probably right now.

Love, yer dad.

" Aw, he spelled it "yer.

" "The Royal Log.

" "From Agøgg to Zøg.

" "A Secret History of the Kings of Dreamland.

" Oh.

"Agogg, Dreamland's first king.

" "He used his opposable thumbs to break the thumbs of those who opposed him.

" "Bøg the Paranoid.

" "d*ed alone, surrounded by enemies.

" "Crøg the Conspicuous.

" Yow.

Why is a chunk torn out?

"Cursed"?

Oh, no.

Derek?

What have you got there?

Uh, smut?

Okay, Leavo.

This is a real jailbreak.

Let's skedoodle.

No, I can't leave.

And I believe it's pronounced "skedaddle.

"

- But you can't just stay down here.



- Sure, he can.

Let's go.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

Skedoodle, skedaddle, who cares?

Nay, comrades, I must remain, continuing my secret mission, underground, searching for the lost kingdom of the elves, which I Hey.

They left before I could finish.

So that's what it feels like.

Oh, my God, God, God, God, God.

I'm descending into madness, madness, madness, madness, madness, madness, madness, madness, madness, madness, madness, madness.

I always wanted to get lost in a labyrinth.

It's like a puzzle you solve with your feet.

Hey, what's that light ahead?

It's a way out of this idiotic conversation.

Lava?

Who just keeps lava lying around?

It's no use.

We're stuck.

God, why is Mom so obsessed with me?

She makes me so angry, I just wanna squeeze and s*ab and subjugate people.

Mmm

-hmm.

Remind you of anyone, Elfo?

Uh, let me see.

White hair, purty face, stubborn, prone to v*olence.

No, no, not ringin' a bell at all.

Okay, jerks.

I'll admit it.

Dagmar and I are a teeny, kinda, sorta similar.



- Wait, that's it!

- Don't hit me.

I know how we can get out of here.

Follow me.

Ugh, she's so bossy.

What are you looking at?

Start walkin'! Come on, move it! Help, help, help.

She's sleeping.

We gotta be quiet.

Oh, there you are.

I'm ready for my evening massage, Caresso.

Get over here.

You know I don't like to wait.

But you do know what I like.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.



- Oh, that's good.

Right there.



- Hey! Caresso, stop panting.

Oh, my God.

This is it.

I'm running out of air.

I'm gonna die for real.

At least I'm in a coffin, God damn it.

Goodbye, Beanie.

Goodbye, Derek.

I love you both.

Goodbye, Vip Vap, I'll see you in Hell.

Goodbye, Dreamland.

Sorry I was so loud.

Sorry I never went out with a human.

Most of all I wish I was a better king.

I Whoa! I'm dead.

I'm dead and I'm in Hell.

I'm in Hell! Yeesh.

I didn't order a king.

Derek has found a special book and is afraid it says his family is cursed.

Oh, books lie all the time.

If I believed a word of this, I'd be a quivering mass of boneheaded jelly.

Speaking of, it's almost time for quivering mass.

Now run along! Go wait in your churchy throne like a good little ruler.

Secret book of kings.

Someone's torn out the pages.

You don't think If someone else is plotting without us, I will be really miffed.

Hell is so fast! And painful.

Right, on your feet.

Hmm.

Slip and slide, baby! Slip and slide! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

- Right, you can stop.



- Aw.

Thank you, Elfo.

Ugh.

Aren't boots supposed to bend at the knee?

This is never gonna work! I should've made Elfo do it.

He's played Dagmar before.

Hey, hey! Psst, psst.

Down here.

Cons are all about confidence.

I know you can do this.

I watched you march right into Hell.

And badass Bean is the Bean I wanna see right now.

You're right! I am badass! Uh

-oh.



- Say something.



- Um Hey, how's it goin'?

No, like Dagmar, you rube! Oh.

Right.

Hello Wait.

Hello, darlings.

How doth it go with y'all?

Really?

That's the best you got?

Why, I was just gliding about, thinking of something devilishly evil to do.

But it's so dreadfully gloomy down here.

You know what would be really ever so fun?

If we go up to the surface and do something evil up there.

But I can't seem to remember how to find the stairs or the ladder or whatever we usually use to get up there.

You'd think with all the brains I eat, I wouldn't be so forgetful.

Wrap it up.

So could one of you be a dearie and, uh, show me the way up?

Okie dokie, Your Highness.

It's working.

Maybe I am a lot like my mother.

Thank you, suck

-up.

Where are you trying to be from?

I'm sorry, I can't place that accent.

All right, let's go.

We can't leave without Elfo.

Now, where is that little green bugger?

He's right here.

Bean, I love your new look.

She's an impostor.

I am the real Dagmar.

She's lying.

I'm obviously the real Dagmar, you twits!

- I don't sound like that.



- I don't sound like that.



- Do I?



- Do I?



- That imitation is terrible.



- Oh, you're terrible.



- How dare you, Bean!

- How dare you, Bean!

- No, you're Bean.



- Who's Bean?

I'm Dagmar.

You're the Bean.



- Bean's the worst.



- Bean's the worst.



- Bean's the worst.



- Bean is the worst.

Well, no makeup could cover up those freckles, darling, so Well, you've still got brain goo on your mouth.



- Ridiculous accent.



- You're the Bean.

I am so confused right now.

You're a disappointment of a daughter.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm your mother and I have to love you.

But I don't like you, darling.

When you were little, I tried to poison your father, but I should have poisoned you instead, because all you do is mess things up.

I didn't even want a child.

I just had you to fulfill a prophecy, and now I'm a jealous, manipulative mess because you won't do what I say! Ow! At least I know how to complete something, unlike my daughter, who never finished anything in her life other than a pint of beer.



- I'm not sure how this is helping.



- They're just being really hurtful.

If I weren't the real Dagmar, would I say this?

I never loved you.

I I It's settled.

She is the real Dagmar.

Seize the impostor.

Dagmar?

What are you doing in Hell?

And other Dagmar, same question.



- Dad?



- "Dad"?

How did you get down here?

Um, did I say "Dad"?

I meant "husband.

" Noice.

I know you're not Bean, just a demon that's been sent to t*rture me, but that's kinda what I thought about you anyway, so you're okay by me, demon.

You know what?

I'm gonna call you Beamon.

It's been a long day.

I couldn't get one normal parent?

Dad, are you okay?

Get away from me.

I told you I was the real Dagmar.

Take my daughter back to the dungeon.

And as for her two friends, throw them in the lava pit.

Deep end.

Damn! You are not mellowing with age.

No! So much gasping.

Look, the symbol.

Not there, over there.

The symbol! This must mean the girl, the elf, and the demon are the saviors.



- Welcome, saviors.



- Saviors?

Wait a minute.

She told us she was our savior.

What should we do with the sexy impostor?

I don't care.

Make her disappear forever.



- Tie her up.



- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get your disgusting paws off me.

Bean, don't do this to me.

You know what, Mom?

I used to love you, but it was all in my head.

And my heart.

And now, those are empty.

I'll never fall for one of your tricks again.

Bean, at least give me my crown.

It really doesn't suit you.

Fine, I crown thee Queen of Lies.

Ugh! She got me again.

Man, she's got that abandoning you thing down.

Show us the way out, darlings.

Uh, I mean, get us out of here.

You got it, bub.

Come on, Dad.

Let's go.

Up here.

I ain't goin' back through there! Oh! Hey! Elfo! Before you go, I've never had ladder sex before.

Sorry, I don't have 30 seconds.

Archdruidess, we have a problem.

All these things ever see is a problem.