02x09 - The Madness of King Zøg

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[man]

Hey! [thudding]



- [wheels screech]



- [all grunt]

[Turbish]

Welcome to Dreamland! Thank you for traveling Turbish Express! Oh, thank God.

This little piggy's had to wee

-wee

-wee all the way home.

Stand aside.

Oh, Turbish, how considerate of you.

I'm not kneeling, I'm dying.



- Wait a minute.



- [Turbish]

Oh! What the hell is that weird green smoke?

[Luci gibbers]

Here.

Stole 'em from Odval.

[Bean gasps]

Look, just beyond Mount Ominous! Hey, everybody stop worrying.

Probably just an army marching here to k*ll you all.

I'm gonna go get a snack.

Hey, do I look fat?

'Cause you do.

[scatting]

Yeah, you're gonna die soon.

[clears throat and scats]

But who'd want to att*ck Dreamland?

Besides Bentwood.

Or Dankmire.

Or Steamland.

Or those teenagers we ran over a while back.

You have an impressive number of enemies for a girl your age.

Face it, Bean, neither one of us is destined to lead.

You can't even keep track of your boots.

[sighs]

I miss footwear.

I may not be destined to lead

- Or fit to lead.



- Ooh! Or equipped to lead.

Or sociopathic enough to lead.

[chuckles]

Girl, you are the wrong type of crazy.

The last thing this kingdom needs is more crazy.



- [Zøg honking]



- [Bean]

Uh

-oh.

All right, Zøg has stopped [imitates Zøg's honking sounds]

He's either fast asleep or sitting very still in a quiet rage.

Okay, Abner.

Now tiptoe in and put the roast poodle close enough to smell, but not too close.

He's been known to eat whole cushions in his sleep.

Then, get the hell out fast.

Are you ready?

You ready?

Okay.

You signed your will, right?

Good.

Go.

[grunts]

[Zøg]

Hey, wait a minute.

This ain't no poodle.

It tastes like Shih Tzu.

[Abner]

No! Not the catapult! [thuds]

Oh, Turbish?

Would you step in here for a minute, please?

[Oona]

You are back?

Did you get Bentwood moneys and weapons?

No, I screwed up royally.

[Oona]

That should be family motto.

Wait, Oona, are you going somewhere?

Whoa! Whoa, again! It's time to shed skin and leave, Bean.

The longer I stay on land, the weaker I appear on sea.

Piracy is very cutthroat business, is not even joke.

Or isn't?

But I can't do this without you! Elfo and Luci are all I have, and that is not a deep bench.

If I do not go now, I cannot return when least expect.

A powerful Oona is more help to Bean in the future.

But we might not have a future if you leave now.

Some kind of evil cloud cover is coming our way.

Don't be drama queen.

That is my job.

Flourish.

Oona, no! You'll know what to do.

You are more capable than you don't think.

Goodbye, crazy girl.

[suction noises]

Ooh.

Gecko style.

[Oona]

Not gecko, newt! This feels nice.

Yeah.

And once I sprinkle it with glitter, you'll look like a right badass.

Derek.

Oh! And new angry fairy girl I like.

[Snarla]

Hey, Oona, how's it hanging?

Oh, by suction cups.

Listen, I must vamoose for a while.

Well, what about me?

I don't wanna stay in Dreamland.

Bean and Dad are just really emotionally draining.

Plus, I'm not the cute one anymore.

Yeah, but a few scars and a tattoo of a naked me, you'll be my dream geezer.

Goodbye, Derek.

I love you.

Don't follow me.

[suction noises receding]

Well, those are mixed messages.

Mommy, wait! My needs outweigh your scorn! [adventurous music playing]

Set sail! [water splashing]

[Derek grunts]

Ugh, I knew it.

I swallowed a lot of sea water.

Derek and Oona.

I'm gonna miss her.

[Oona yelling]

[Bean]

Damn it! She took her dr*gs with her.

Oh, no, the smoke's gone from the Badlands to the Even Worse Lands! It's probably those smartass teenagers getting high in the woods again.

I'm glad we ran them over.

We should start a g*ng and kick Elfo out.

We can call it "Luci and Friend.

" Shut up, boys.

I gotta warn my nutty dad.

It'll either cure him or k*ll him.

Princess, you've returned.

What news of Bentwood?

It's not good.

Though, I did run into Grindl, an old friend of Sorcerio's.



- You went to wizarding school together?



- More of a wizarding community college.

I flunked out because I was so overworked.

It's hard being a wizard and a golf caddy at the same time.

Anyway, I've got to talk to my dad.

Oh, ah [smacks lips]

You do not wanna go in there, unless you're a fan of, like, dying.

[chuckles]

Perhaps you should put on some armor first.

Or an invisibility cloak.

I had one here a minute ago.

Oh, he's not gonna mess with daddy's little girl.

Or her fists of lead.

I'm bettin' on, like, the fat guy.

[Zøg babbling and honking]



- Dad?



- [honks]



- It's me.



- [honks]

Your favorite kid?

The drunken one?

The big disappointment?

The one who sh*t you?

[honks]

Ah, Beanie It's okay, Dad.

I'm here for you.

Let's not say anything to anger El Porko Loco.

[grunts]

[screams]



- Oh! Duck!

- Duck! Duck?

Where?

[grunts]



- [grunts]



- [yelps]



- [thud]



- [honks]

[Mertz]

I was hiding under the throne since Tuesday.

[sighs]

At least this side of his head is undamaged.

Look at that glowering old fool.

It's clear he's unfit to lead.



- [Bean]

You think?



- [all gasp]

Tiabeanie, you know that [both]

Women are not permitted to speak in the council chambers.

[both]

It's the law.



- It's a stupid law.



- [all gasp]

Why don't you just stop gasping and change the law?

Only the king can change the law.

But right now, he can't even change himself.

You heard me correctly.

The king is bediapered.

[all gasping and muttering]

Stop harrumphing! We've got far more pressing matters! [grunts]

This is ridiculous! King Zøg is a danger to himself and, more important, to me.

He must be restrained and put away somewhere.

Then who will rule the kingdom?

With Derek out at sea, no one.

[shouts]

You're going to have a hard time keeping this quiet! I know a place we can keep Zøg that's completely soundproof.

It's where we put that zydeco band.

That's right.

Stan is talking, of course, of the Old Castle Mental Ward.

[Apothecary]

But if we put Zøg down there, who'll have the guts to talk to him?

Not me.

Hospitals give me the willies.

Yes, that place creeps even me out.

And you know me, I love zydeco.

Well, the bigmouth princess has a soothing influence over him.

I suppose so.

She's probably the only one brave, or foolish, enough.

[Bean]

So now you come crawling back, begging me to talk to my dad, huh?

I'll do it if you come crawling and beg me.

Oh, please.

Oh, please.

Oh, please.

Hi, Dad, I brought you some dinner.

With gravy?

[honks]

Listen, I need to talk to you.

We have to start working together.

But I need you to help me help you.

[grunts]

Mmm [mumbles]

Yeah, it's your favorite soup.

Melted butter.

Anyway, I thought you should know that there's this thing headed toward Dreamland.

We don't know if it's an army or a monster or a storm, or what.

It's green smoke.

[grunts]

Green smoke?

[whimpering]

I know, but calm down.

We can do this together.

And by we, I mean, mostly you, because, holy cow, being in charge is stressful.

I totally get why you went insane.

Yeah, this isn't helping, is it?

More, please.



- Man, I know you know what to do.



- [moans]



- Somewhere inside you

- Mmm along with this food and those chess pieces you ate yesterday, it's in there, isn't it?

[grunts and mumbles]

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

Wait, I know what you're saying.

All these years of living with a grunting, emotionally remote dad has paid off.

I have an idea.

[sighs]

[babbling]

[honks]

Idiots [mumbling]

Dummy.

Dummy.

[honks]

Okay, um, play me in with a little fanfare, Luci.

[horn playing]

All right.

Shut up, everyone, quiet.

The princess has a proclamation from King Zøg.

Shut up, Elfo, I'm not done yet.

[playing jazz]

Thank you.

That was a little number I call "Shut Up, Elfo" in E flat.

Elfo?

[chuckles]

Okay.

That's great.

Please stop clapping.

That's enough.

Let's stop now, please.



- Oh, still one person.

Let's stop.



- [Turbish clapping]



- Turbish!

- [Turbish]

Sorry.

Ahem.

Princess Tiabeanie brings a proclamation from King Zøg.

By order of my dad, Dreamland must prepare for an att*ck.

Furthermore, my father said, and I quote [imitates Zøg's honk]

[imitating Zøg]

"Tell them jackasses that I said to do what you say.

" [in normal voice]

And by "you," he means me.

Continuing [imitating Zøg]

"Those idiots are so dumb, they'll believe anything.

" I believe anything and I'm not an idiot.

[imitating Zøg]

"Once the biggest idiot has spoken, wrap it up.

"

- [in normal voice]

Meeting adjourned.



- [all muttering]

What just happened?

[breathing heavily]

[Dagmar echoing]

Zøg?

Oh, Zøg?

Zøg! Dag?

Dagmar, is that you?

[Dagmar]

Let me in, Zøg, and I'll let you out.

Whoa, I'm finally hearing voices outside of my head.

Dad, I brought you a little midnight snack.

They didn't have much in the kitchen, but I got you some giant novelty crackers.

Remember?

You ex*cuted the guy who invented these?

[gasps]

Oh, no! Dad?

This is bad.

Really bad.

[honking and grunting]

[yells]

Who's up there?

[Turbish]

It's just Mertz.

Only Mertz! [Mertz]

It's not just me! It's only Turbish! Ha! [Zøg]

Lower the g*dd*mn drawbridge right now or I'll come up there and strangle the both of you! [Turbish]

Ha

-ha, the only way up here is the secret door to your immediate left! [Zøg grunts]

Uh

-oh.



- [Zøg grunts]



- [grunting]

You're next, Turbish!

- [both]

Ah!

- [water splashes]

Hey, guys! Did you see my dad?

He went thataway.

Oops, I let go.

[yells]

No! [grunts]

This place looks awful.

Who's in charge here?

[honks]

Who the hell is that guy?

Oh! The king! What're you doin' out here?

You gotta be protectin' the castle against that green smoke that's coming.

Listen, buddy, you gotta sneak back in that castle.

You can't be out here in the streets like this All that riffraff [mumbling]

[yells]

Have you gone crazy?

Dad?

Dad, where are you?



- [water bubbling]



- [screams]

Come on in.

Water's nice and warm.

[screams]

[honks]

[all honking]

[grunts]

Why's everything gettin' dinkier?

[Shocko vocalizing]

Ooh! Ooh! [honks]



- Ooh!

- [honks]



- Ooh!

- [honks]



- Ooh!

- [honks]

[both continue]

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Ooh.

[water bubbling and splashing]



- Hey, girlie!

- Yow! Now with bubbles! 14 cents! Forget it.

Have you ever sold a cup?

13 cents! [shower running]

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Thanks! Oh, sorry! [grunting]

Oh, no, he's at Losers' Leap, right above Splatter Beach.

Hi, Dad.

Please don't run away.

Come on, what's wrong?

Talk to me.

Now you're not talking at all?

Not even a honk, for old time's sake?

[honks]

All right.

Come on, we can go get some crackers?

Dad, come on, say something.

Let's go home.

The kingdom needs you.

I need you.

I mostly need you to talk.

[ominous music playing]

[sentimental music playing]

You know, Dad, a lot of people think you're beyond repair.

And now you're wearing your crown backwards, and your ass hanging out is a definite deal breaker.

But I know that you can get better.

And I'll be right by your side

- until you do.



- [door closes]

Damn it! Dad! [sighs]

[Zøg as Freckles]

Hi, Beanie! Over here! Come on, Beanie, over here! Wow, okay.

Hello, there! You sound like someone I know.

I don't think so.

I ain't never been tossed in a drunk t*nk.

[laughs]

Hey! I'm kiddin'.

You look like you can take a joke.

You look in the mirror every mornin', don't you?

[laughs]

Dad, you're talking again! Let's go home and celebrate! [honks]

Don't you see?

He talks through me.

But it ain't free.

Tee hee hee.

Oh, I can't part with that one.

That's Freckles.

He's a very naughty boy, but he's my favorite.

He's practically my son, you know, though I wouldn't want to nurse that splintery wooden mouth! He's a biter.

[chuckles]

Perhaps you'd be interested in this eyeless frog dummy?

He comes with a lily pad arse glove.

[honks]

I think the insulting dummy really appeals to him.

And my low self

-esteem.

Aw, I'm done razzin' ya, ya bucktoothed gin junkie.

We'll take it in a bag, please.

Any operating instructions or ominous warnings?

Oh, my, no.

Enjoy! No refunds!

- Bye, Freckles!

- Hmm.

[joints creaking]

[Freckles whistles]

I've heard every man's home is his castle, but this place is a dump.

Yeah, well, the throne room isn't usually such a disaster, but my dad has had kind of a rough few years.

And Bunty only cleans on Tuesdays.

Being king can drive you mad.

Uh, you can say that again! And the way Zøg was tortured, it's no wonder he don't talk no more, yeah?

It's "doesn't talk no more.

" Wait, tortured?

How?

Zøg was left for dead with a hole in his chest.

He was told his loving daughter was burnt at the stake.

He was buried alive in a pine box.

That's t*rture! I should know.

Some of my best friends are pine boxes.

[laughs]

Princess, the king has escaped from the mental ward and now, that nutjob is sitting there with a charming little puppet on his lap.

[chuckles]

[whispers]

Is it wise to have Zøg untethered like that?

[whispers]

He's good.

This dummy keeps him calm and allows him to express himself in ways that don't involve honking or punching.

Oh, I see this castle already has a dummy.

Am I right, dummy?

[chuckles]

Good one, Your Majesty.

[clears throat]



- The kingdom needs

- You think ignoring me makes me go away, but it just [yells]

makes me more annoying! Consider me schooled.

The kingdom needs to prepare for an incoming cloud of green smoke and we have a question.

Oh?

Which is?

What do we do to prepare for an incoming cloud of green smoke?

Hmm You wanna know the most important thing in preparing for a potential att*ck?

Oh, yes.



- Come closer.



- Okay.

Closer.

Oh?



- Closer.



- Hmm?

[whispers]

See, you gotta watch out for my hand!

- Ow!

- [laughs]

Look at it! It left an imprint! Uh, I think he means we have to be vigilant.

[Bean]

That big wall is not gonna stop the smoke.

Get the nets, idiots! [Freckles]

Hey, watch it.

That ladder's my uncle.

Even more important than a good defense is a good offense.

You heard him.

We need weapons.

We need bravery.

We need a brilliant strategy.



- Is hiding a w*apon?



- No.



- Is hiding bravery?



- No.

Is hiding a brilliant strategy?

Well, yes.

Sergeant Touchy, feel out where we're vulnerable.

Hmm Yes, yes You're afraid to let people in and you hide behind sarcasm.

I meant our battle plan, but good to know.

Jenkins, work on your issues.

There's one last thing you gotta do to be ready.

And that is?

You have to come closer 'cause I don't want people to panic.



- Yes?



- Come closer! Oh, no, I'm not falling for that one again.

You're going to hit me.

I'm not gonna hit you, I promise!

- You promise?



- Yeah!

- You really do?



- Uh

-huh.

No foolin' now, this is a serious situation.



- You got it.



- All right, then.



- You gotta come closer, though.



- All right.



- Closer.



- Hmm.

You really wanna know what's important in a siege?

Yes, I do.

Closer, then.

You gotta make sure people don't go hungry! [grunts]

Ow! Oh, ow! Ow! Ow! [crying]

Oh, you promised! Yeah, I promised I wasn't gonna hit ya.

That's why I bit ya.

Next time, I might slit ya.

Yeah.

We better stock up on food and beverages.

We've brought regular gumballs, and su1c1de gumballs, in case things take a turn for the worse.

Okay, put it over there.

Hmm [choking]

Ew, grape.

Ew, no, thank you.

Preparations seem to be proceeding beyond our wildest fantasies, sire.

And you oughta see this guy's fantasies! Talk about being sick and depraved! That's all he does! Talk about being sick and depraved.

Are you finished?

Because we're due to be slaughtered.

We're working well together getting the kingdom prepared.

I feel really optimistic about the oncoming bloodbath.

[snoring]

Good night, Dad.

[Freckles]

Good night, Bean.

[Zøg snoring]

From now on, call me Freckles.

So this isn't gonna get more normal any time soon, is it?

What do you think?

[laughs]

All right, rummies.

You don't have to die at home, but you can't die here.

Now b*at it! [all groaning]

Hey, do you guys think I should wean my dad off his emotional support dummy?

And if I do, will he still be able to run the kingdom?

Face it.

You're the one running the kingdom.

All that dummy does is tell stale, wooden jokes that hurt people's feelings.

Bean, you're the one in charge.



- Quiet, mule.

Hyah!

- Ah! Hmm, there's only one way to find out who's really in control.

[suspenseful violin music playing]

[Zøg snoring]

[Bean]

Sweet dreams, Freckles.

[crickets chirping]

[sighs]

[door creaks]

[clanking]

Whoa! [breathing heavily]



- [door slams]



- Huh.

Whoa! Oh.

[sighs]

Dad, it's 3:00 a.

m.

and you're not in your bed.

Or in the kitchen.



- Were you in my bedroom just now?



- [gasps]

Dad, what'd you do with Freckles?

Hello, Bean.

Did you miss me?

Whoa! Dad, this ain't good.

But if you could just keep trying, I know you can get better.

That's not possible.

I mean, look at me.

No, look at me.

I'm just a flabby husk of a man.

I can't barely honk no more.

[honks faintly]

See?

I would've loved to be the hero of the story, but now, I can't even hold a spoon.

I'm afraid of 'em now.

Remember when I gave myself all them genius awards?

I'm glad those awards ain't around to see this.

Even you know I'm already gone, Beanie.

You can't be gone, Dad.

I need you.

Here.

And I need you.

Here! You can do this, Beanie.

Do what?

Dad, no, please don't ask me this.

If I don't go away now, I may never be able to come back.

But who will take care of the kingdom?

Dad, I can't I can't do it on my own.

Oh, Beanie, you already are.

You've been doin' it this whole time.

Thanks for being my dad, okay?

I've had a lot of people leave me in my life, but I've never ever ever not had you before.

Your stupid, rude, yelling face was always there.

So come back, okay?

Be a good queenie, Beanie.

For me.

And for me.

[Odval]

And for the kingdom.

What say you, Princess?

My dad needs to go away for a while.

[donkey braying]

It's time to go, Dad.

[sad music playing]

[sighs in contentment]



- Ah!

- Hi, I'm Chazzzzz.

I'll be your donkey cart driver and tour guide for the next 23 hours.

I warn you, the ride may get a little bumpy.

For your own safety, keep your arms and legs inside the wagon at all times.

I have a machete.

Ah! [honking and babbling]

[all]

Our Queen.

[closing theme music playing]