[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is the Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
Rallo, are you done with the Internet? I need to find some data about building a rocket for the school science fair.
Because they're having a science fair at school.
And I want to build a rocket for it.
Take a knee, chubs.
I'm wrapping it up.
You'd be amazed how many people on the Internet wanna meet a 5
-year
-old boy.
Move it, Heavy C.
This ain't the microwave.
I need to update my Facebook page with these pictures of me in my new bikini.
Facebook is a joke.
You know who is my friend on Facebook? Margaret Cho.
A woman I have not met, nor wish to ever meet is somehow a friend of mine.
Please.
I also don't need your stupid status updates.
Ooh, Betsy Sherman is excited to watch Heroes.
Go suck an egg, Betsy.
You know what? I need to Twitter that.
Go suck an egg, Betsy.
- Guys, notice anything different?
- No.
Put your finger in my nose.
Okay.
Mm.
Smooth.
Yeah, yeah, you bet it is.
Thanks to the Nasal Laser.
Laser
-guided system burns follicles at the root.
- Same one Joe Buck uses.
- That's a clever invention.
I got the inventor bug myself, among other bugs and crabs.
- What kind of stuff you invent, Lester?
- I got something called the Buddy Beer.
Give me a sec.
I never leave home without the prototype.
It's a beer bottle with two necks.
So if you're short on cash, you and a buddy can share it.
[GULPING]
Oh, yeah.
We should invent something.
I've always wanted to be an inventor.
Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you you could have a cr*cker that's also a phone? Boom.
The iRitz.
I just made a call on a cr*cker.
- I just ate a phone.
MAN: That's stupid.
You're stupid.
I got a couple of ideas rattling around the old noodle.
Hell, I got notebooks of ideas, and song lyrics.
[SINGS]
Done farted in the bathtub Done farted on my horse Done farted on my mama She got mad, of course Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart Fart, fart, fart That's the spirit.
Let's everybody come up with an invention and we'll meet back here tomorrow night.
CLEVELAND: All right.
LESTER: Whoo
-hoo! Don't look.
It's Margaret Cho.
sh*t.
Mm.
Better get my wood to wood shop.
I'm making you a mad large key to hang all your other keys on.
This is real, yo.
[BELL RINGS]
Roberta, the bell has rang.
Rung.
Rang? The bell has rang.
The bell has rung.
Hmm.
The bell went: [MIMICS BELL]
And you're going to be late for class.
I'm sorry.
I just need one minute to make sure I look good.
Do you think I look good, Mr.
Armstrong? Kiss me.
You didn't hear that.
Hear what? Ha, ha.
Nothing to hear.
Okay.
They'll never find me up here.
WOMAN: You're tardy, Miss Tubbs.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Elmore.
I was taking a long, soapy shower after P.
E.
And
- Ouch.
Who are you?
- I'm Ms.
Eck, Mr.
Elmore's replacement.
And I do not tolerate tardiness, Ms.
Tubbs.
A C
-minus? If you have a problem, you can see me after class.
Now, please take your seat.
Ignore that.
[BELL RINGS]
I have seen this before, you know.
Pretty girl coasting by on her looks, taking life for granted because everything is handed to her.
I get things handed to me because I'm smart and funny and talented.
Yes, my body is re
-donk
-a
-donkulous.
But I'm also very likeable.
I'm like a black Halle Berry.
Sit down.
I wanna show you something.
This is Pam Anderson in 1997.
This is her today.
[GASPS]
Kirsten Dunst.
June 10th, 2004.
This is her, four days later.
Meg Ryan, 1989.
And now Oh, my God! Turn it off! You know, I myself used to be doable.
Well, what happened? I turned 30.
I'll make a deal with you.
If you can prove that your life would be just as easy if you were unattractive then I will raise this C to an A.
It's the only way you can prove that you can succeed based on who you are on the inside.
Deal? Deal.
But how am I supposed to make this ugly? A fat suit? Just like Tyra Banks.
Hollywood Costume Shop.
High quality.
Look at this FUPA.
Look at this PUPA.
FUPA, PUPA.
FUPA, PUPA.
Oh, what a good time.
Okay, my invention is magnetic
-fly jeans.
Easy to get off and on.
And if you're bear hairy down there like I am there's no more worrying about the zipper jaws of death.
Don't need it.
Shaved and waxed.
I got a chicken
-wing glove.
It's got razor blades on the fingers to pull the meat off the bones wet naps on the pinky and the thumb's a blue
-cheese dispenser.
f*cking thing.
Okay, I got a gum re
-flavorizer.
You put new flavor in your gum with a syringe thing.
Uh, Shirtflix.
Com.
It's like Netflix but with shirts.
And a fart
-amplification device, which is self
-explanatory.
What did you come up with, Terry? Hmm? Oh, nothing, man.
No, I forgot we were even doing this.
Holt, slide me one of those beers, will you? [BOTH GRUNTING]
Thank you.
Hey, that's what someone should invent.
A device where you can slide a beer to someone.
How handy would that be? Bars all over the world would buy that.
A coaster that rolls.
The Roller Coaster.
Gentlemen, I think we just invented an invention.
CLEVELAND: All right.
LESTER: Whoo
-hoo! Yeah.
Aah! Wha? What do I do? I think you're supposed to put it in your rectum to maintain its body temperature until you get to the hospital.
Right, right, right.
I knew that.
Thanks, bro.
Bug alert, yo.
Hi, I'm Tyra.
I'm new here.
- Can you show me around the school?
- Step off, beast.
I already got a shorty.
And she got mad ass, yo.
Mad ass.
Is? Is that the only reason you like her? Because she's hot? She's smart and funny too, right? What's party with all these questions, Bugga Wolf? Don't matter if she's smart or funny so long as I'm peeping that sweet apple bottom and fine set of breastesses.
You know what I'm saying, Omega Mu? Excuse me.
I know you're new here but that's no excuse for tardiness.
I'm sorry.
I just needed one minute to make sure I looked good.
Do you think I look good? Oh! [STUDENTS GRO ANING AND WHINING]
Oh, wonderful.
My antidepressants are in there.
Five bucks a pop.
Go get me a glass of water, fatty.
- Gentlemen, I present to you the
- Peekaboo.
Rallo? Where's the Roller Coaster?
- Chillax.
It's right here.
- Put the beer on it.
- You mean this empty bottle?
- What? You drank the beer? Maybe.
Give me a light.
The Roller Coaster.
HOLT & TIM: Ooh.
Hmm, I gotta be honest.
I ain't a hundred percent on the name.
What? What's wrong with the name? It's too obvious.
How about something like The Brew Choo Train? The Brew Choo? No, we're not gonna call it The Brew Ale aboard.
Mm
-hm.
Mm
-hm.
We could change the name.
We could.
Or we could just stick with the Roller Coaster.
So let's do that, okay? Cool.
Well, how come you get to decide? What, just because you're black, you're automatically the leader? No.
A little.
- All in favor of Brew Choo Train?
- Aye.
- What? What's happening?
- Aye.
- All for Roller Coaster?
- Aye.
RALLO: All right.
[CHATTERING]
JUNIOR: Do you mind if I sit with you?
- Um Okay.
I'm Tyra.
Nice to meet you, Tyra.
I'm Student Council President Cleveland Brown Jr.
I was the new kid recently.
So I know how many buttholes are at this school.
But I'm sure once people get to know you, you'll have lots of friends.
Thank you, Cleveland Jr.
That's the nicest thing anybody has said to me in days.
- What's that?
- It's a rocket.
I'm building it for the science fair.
But it won't lift off because the astronaut is too heavy.
But if I take him out, then it won't be authentic.
Hmm.
Well, maybe you could do this.
That's a great idea.
- Thanks.
NERD 1: You hear that, guys? Cleveland Jr.
Thinks this is gonna win the science fair.
Well, what are you guys making? We've translated Monty Python and the Holy Grail into Klingon.
And we're going to do a sh*t
-for
-sh*t stop
-motion remake using vintage, new
-in
-box, Nerds! That does sound better than a rocket.
Uh
-uh.
Junior is gonna win that science fair.
And I'm gonna help him do it.
You are? Oh, boy.
- Who are you?
- I'm Fat Girl.
[NERDS WHIMPER]
It's the Alda
-Nator.
Converting any voice into that of: [IN ALDA'S VOICE]
TV star Alan Alda.
You want to try? [IN ALDA'S VOICE]
Um, I'm liberal know
-it
-all Alan Alda.
Holy crap, this thing really works.
Give me that.
[RINGS]
KENDRA [ON PHONE]
: Hello?
- Kendra, it's Alan Alda.
KENDRA: Oh, my Lord.
I wanted to thank you for the letters.
And tell you that I wish all my fans were just like you.
KENDRA: Oh, I love you, Mr.
Alda.
Thank you for calling.
What? I love my wife.
If that makes me some kind of h*m*, then so be it.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What the hell is this? I've tried to be diplomatic, but the Brew Choo Train is a stupid name.
Look, I'm the only one who knows what he's doing in this group.
It was my idea.
I did all the work.
And now you want me to ruin it with your stupid name? I don't think so.
You know, Cleveland, I'm getting sick of your face.
[STAMMERING]
Yeah, man.
You know, you're starting to You're starting to put yourself before the project.
And you, sir, are no Alan Parsons.
Cleveland, you're fired.
Well, then I'm taking my sign.
[IN ALDA'S VOICE]
Go f*ck yourselves.
Another failed launch.
I'm starting to feel like whoever's in charge of FO X's live
-action sitcoms.
Wait a minute.
The wind.
We forgot to account for wind resistance.
Of course.
We need to adjust the trajectory at launch to compensate.
- Wow, Tyra, you're smart.
- Thank you.
I've never been friends with a girl before.
Is it true you guys can clap your breasts together like a seal?
- No.
- Thanks a lot, Wikipedia.
[CHATTERING]
Three, two, one.
SPECTATORS: Whoa.
GIRL: That is so cool.
What is? SPECTATORS: Oh! [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, real tough.
This is still pretty cool.
And the winner of this year's Stoolbend High School Science Fair is Cleveland Brown Jr.
And Tyra Obama.
ROBERTA: Whoo
-hoo! JUNIOR: Hooray! [STUDENTS APPLAUD]
That's A
-plus work, Tyra.
Yeah! Why did you do that, Junior? Because l I love you, Tyra.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Will these two fatties make a love connection? Well, we'll be back to let you know in two and two.
Good morning, my beautiful family.
Well, Junior, you're in a good mood.
It's because I'm in love.
In love? Who is she? It's a she, right? Because if it's a he, I'm sending you to one of those camps.
She's a new girl at school and I'm super excited.
You see, Dad? It's not just superficial.
- I'm deep in love.
- How deep? You know how when I go in the ball pit at Cheesy Charlie's and I sink all the way down to the bottom and you can't find me? That deep? That's right, Dad.
[SINGS]
I'm talking about balls deep I'm talking about balls deep I'm talking about balls deep in love I'm talking about balls deep I'm talking about balls deep I'm talking about balls deep in love I want to have sex with her personality Dry hump her positive traits Give a pounding to her feelings Make her south mouth salivate Hey, Tyra, are you listening? We're not talking just the tip in Thank you, Scottie Pippen No problem.
Just here dropping off an application.
Players in my day didn't make as much as they do today.
Huh.
Sorry to hear that.
Um, where was I? [SINGS]
You're talking about balls deep I'm talking about balls deep
- We're talking about balls deep in love
- We're talking about balls deep in love I'm talking about balls deep
- My boy's talking about balls deep
- Balls deep We're talking balls deep in love [ALL CHUCKLE]
Well, that's great, Junior.
- Why don't you invite her over for dinner?
- No.
I mean, um, girls don't like being pushed into meeting parents.
- You're gonna scare her away.
- That's stupid.
Teenage girls love to be told what to do.
"Come over here, sweetie.
Lose the top.
All right.
Now lose the bottom.
Mm, not bad.
Turn around.
Okay, now turn back around and show me how bad you wanna be a cheerleader.
" From the mouths of babes.
Here she comes.
Now, I didn't tell her you'd be here because I didn't want her to be nervous.
Tyra, over here.
Roberta.
Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES]
That is exceptional.
Family, I want you to meet Tyra.
- Tyra?
- That's a Tyra
-ble disguise.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, Junior, what have you done? I'm sorry I tricked you, Tyra.
But I really wanted my family to meet you to prove you were real.
A real girl who likes me and not a prost*tute or a robot.
Would you excuse me? I need to use the restroom.
Yeah, I bet you do because you're so full of crap.
And that's why I'm dressed this way.
A fat suit? What the hell kind of comedy high school are you going to anyway? Hey, Tyra.
See you at the game on Friday.
What do I do, Cleveland? I don't wanna hurt him, but I have to go back to being myself.
You got yourself into this mess.
You gotta figure a way out.
Foop away.
Oh, look who it is.
You come to gloat about your success? Well, how about you suck it instead? Because Shirtflix.
com is online, b*tches.
Check it out.
Comes with its own shirt
-elope.
You mail it back.
Three days later, whole new shirt.
Cleveland, we, uh We wanted to apologize to you for, uh, you know kicking you out of the group like you were, uh, some gay soldier.
We also wanted to tell you we're getting sued for copyright infringement.
- What?
- The Brew Choo Train already exists.
Except it's called the Cider Glider.
Awesome name.
- Better than ours.
- That sounds kind of familiar.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]
: It's time to say goodbye to the frustration of not being able to slide your beverage across a table because the Cider Glider is here.
Psh.
They should call that the Roller Coaster.
Huh.
I totally forgot about that.
- Well, I guess I lucked out then, huh?
- Well, not really.
You see, we, uh, forgot to take your name off the paperwork as, uh, inventor.
So what that means is, uh, you're the only one getting sued.
So, uh So sorry about that.
- Stool later?
- You got served.
- I'm tired of you.
- Aah! [THUD]
Good morning, Tyra.
I brought you a flower for your hair to brighten up your face.
I'll work on myself too.
But you gotta do your part.
Look, Junior.
I have some bad news.
My family is moving to Alaska.
What? But you just moved here.
I know.
But you gotta keep this a secret.
My dad is Iron Man.
Wow.
But what about us? I'm really sorry, Junior.
You know, I've gone to a lot of schools, and I've never met a boy as sweet as you.
I've learned so much about myself just being your friend.
Thank you, Junior.
Goodbye, Tyra.
I got a postcard from Tyra.
"Dear Junior.
How are you? Alaska's very cold.
It is our 49th state.
Its main exports are fish, energy and crazy people.
Miss you bunches.
X
-O
-X
-O, your friend, Tyra.
" Isn't she great? She's all right, Junior.
She's all right.
I'm gonna go upstairs and try to start puberty.
Uh
-oh.
I better go hide my Niagara Falls pocket pooswa.
It's a change purse, Rallo.
RALLO: Tomato, "tomato.
" And that's how Len Stein settled my copyright lawsuit.
- I wish we could invent something else.
- I got one.
Last night, I thought of something called the Alda
-fier.
A handheld device that converts any voice into that of TV star Alan Alda.
You gotta lay off the weed.