03x12 - Enough Bed Adventure

[bunniefuu]

♪ The Great North. ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

HAM:
This bread is gonna be bananas.

Hmm, because it's banana bread.

Which tastes bananas. Wait.

Is that why they're
called bananas?

Or is feeling bananas named
after the fruit? Bananas.

Bananas?
Oh, uh-oh, I'm in a spiral.

[nearby shouting]
Dad?

- Dad!
- BEEF: I'm fine, son.

Go back to your midnight baking.
It smells delicious.

No, Dad, I'll just, uh, pull...

- Ow. No, no, no. Ow!
- I'll wake up Moon and Judy.

We'll get you out, Dad.
Code Mauve!

Dad's bed finally gave out!

Dad, your mattress is now
actively trying to k*ll you.

Will you please get a new one?

That mattress is the only one
I've ever slept on as an adult.

It's a Tobin family heirloom.

I was planning on leaving it
to one of you in my will.

Come on, Dad, that mattress
has been awful for years.

And now you're not
sleeping, like, at all.

Last week, after you
dropped me off at school,

you dozed off
in the parking lot.

It was embarrassing,
but I covered for you

by telling people
you were just drunk.

I'm not that tired, Goon.

- Oh, no.
- Dad, we understand that you form

a sentimental attachment to...

almost everything,
but you need a new bed.

But I slept there
on my wedding night.

I slept there
when they announced the first

American Idol,
and not to be crass,

but I've done
all of my best farts in there.

All of them, Dad? What about
cousin Becca's communion?

Ah, yes, who could ever
forget "The Grumbler."

They had to bring
in new communion wafers.

Dad, you can't be a good father
and fisher-person on no sleep.

All right. In the morning
I'll go purchase a new mattress.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go listen

to some Justin Guarini and
fart in my bed one last time.

Hello. I'm Matthew.

Welcome to Sleeping Duty.

Do you have any questions
I can answer?

Oh, I'd love to know
what happens when we die.

Well, I think we get born again
as a baby?

As the same soul
but within a new vessel

and we have to learn
different lessons each go-round

until we reach enlightenment.

But I guess I meant any
mattress questions I can answer.

Well, this is actually
my first time purchasing

a mattress for myself
and I am quite overwhelmed.

Sir, it is going to be okay.

Now, what size
are you looking for?

My old mattress
was an Alaskan queen.

Ooh, I'm so sorry,
but Alaskan queen

was a promotional size they used

to celebrate
the Alaskan Centennial.

So we wouldn't have anything
to fit your old frame.

Wait, I have a bandsaw at home.

I can buy one
of these king mattresses

and shave down the sides.

I wouldn't recommend
sawing a mattress, sir.

All the bounce will just
whoosh right out the sides.

So you're gonna need
a new frame as well.

Luckily, we have many choices.

Choices.
Oh, God, not choices.

Well, Dad, uh, since you said
one of us kids are going

to inherit the bed, maybe
we could help you choose one.

- Oh, yeah.
- I definitely saw one I'd love

to die on
when I'm exactly years old.

I'll be holding Crispin's hand
and I'll whisper into his ear,

"If you ever marry again
I'll haunt your ass."

Okay, lead us there, Ham.

HONEYBEE:
Unit A. There.

I typed out our new address on
all of our business cards.

I can't believe we have
our own mailing address.

Which is just our old one,
but with Unit A at the end.

This is like when Meghan
and Harry finally got

- their own mailbox in Oprah's backyard.
- We got to celebrate.

Let's go to Busy Beaver's
Office Supply Cabin

- and get a new card holder.
- Ooh, I saw a mug there last time

that had
a corgi on it and it said,

"One of these days
I got to get Corg-anized."

I just might treat myself.

Oh, wow. Look, someone sent us

one of those eatable bouquets.

"Dear Mark and Sheryl,
congratulations on the wedding.

Enjoy the mango and melon.
Yours truly, Nancy"?

Oh, no.
This is meant for Unit A

on Old Outhouse Road
in Talkeetna.

We got to get it
to its rightful home.

We can't
let another couple start

their married lives
without this amazing treat.

Well, there's a number
on the packing slip.

Let's call,
and if they're around,

we can drive it out
to Talkeetna today.

Great idea, my melon mommy.

Please do not
ever call me that again.

Yeah, that's fair. All right,
let's give them a jingle

and arrange a mail mingle.

What'd I tell you?
This bed is elegant and magical

and you could use
some escapism in your life, Dad.

Okay, I'll take it.

Wonderful, I'll ring you up up front.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No fair.

I also saw a bed that's
perfect for me. I mean, Dad.

- But then I'd inherit it one day, like he said.
- I saw one, too.

- Well, your dad should choose his own...
- Hey, I have an idea.

How about a little
friendly competition?

We each have to tell Dad
a bedtime story

about the beds we want.
Dad's the judge.

Whoever tells the best story,

Dad buys the bed
of that person's choosing

and they get to inherit it
when he croaks.

No offense, Dad,
but you will croak someday.

- None taken.
- All right, I will tell the first story

so I can have Dad's deathbed.

And I'm definitely gonna win,
'cause my sleep number is destroy.

Now gather round
as I begin my tale.

Hmm. It's pretty slow today,
so I guess I'll just listen in.

Once upon a time,
there was a hairy little fellow

named Beefbo Dad-gins who lived
in a magical village called...

The Briar.
Beefbo was the most

beloved of all the creatures
known as the Norbits.

- That's a totally different movie.
- This isn't based on a movie.

This is a completely original
story. As I was saying...

Beefbo Dad-gins
was with his friends

Wolfwise Bingbong
and Judy Teengirl

when the wizard Hamdalf
the Grape suddenly appeared.

Hamdalf, how grape to see you.

It's grape to see you, too.

But I'm afraid
I come bearing dire news.

- Diarrhea news?
- I said "dire."

Beefbo, you know
how you've slept

your entire life
on the same mattress?

- Yes.
- Well, it's infested with dark magic.

And I've built you a
beautiful new bed right

here, but first I need
you to take the old,

evil mattress
and throw it into the fire atop

the garbage mountain
at Junkyard Kyle-eron's.

I don't know.
We were just about

to clasp hands
and dance about in a circle.

The fallen leaves are ripe
for a rolling.

And we still need
to whistle and giggle

and say, "Oh, what a day."

Oh, my God.
Would you guys focus up?

Your mattress is infested
with dark magic

and you must destroy it in
a firepit after a long journey.

- Can my friends come?
- [sighs] Uh, uh, yeah.

Wh... I guess, whatever.

We have to go now!
Everyone get your shoes.

We don't have shoes.
That's our whole thing.

We're Norbits.
We have big, horrible,

hairy feet and everyone
has to look at them.

Oh I see, I get it, okay,
I'm a character with big,

hairy feet. Ha, ha, ha.
You know I'm self-conscious

- about my hirsute hoofs.
- Mm-hmm. I do.

Anyway, so Hamdalf the Grape

and the Norbits
set off on their journey.

But they would need help,
so they gathered

more magical friends
with dumb names

who were very ready
to die for the main guy.

- I'm Honeyborn of Fresno.
- Jerromir of the Central Valley.

Moonli. You don't need
to know where I'm from.

HAM:
They were finally assembled.

The Fellowship of the Springs.

And then they walk a bunch
with some beautiful

sh*ts of scenic Alaska,
you know, some music

that goes, like... ♪ Bum-bum,
bah-bah-bum, bah-bah-bum. ♪

But then they begin to sense
that someone is following them,

and they're right. It's a weird
little guy named Meatball.

These Tobins-es,
they have it, my special.

My pressure point mattress.

HAM: So Meatball was stalking

- the Fellowship of the Springs...
- Yoo-hoo.

Just ignore him.

I know a shortcut to the place
where you can get

rid of that mattress
that I desperately want.

I mean, that I don't want.

- Should we trust him?
- Hmm. This is the part

of the story where we make
a bad decision, so yeah.

Great choice, idiots.
I mean, follow me.

Come on in.

One dang to frang them all.

- Borcs!
- Give us that gross old bed.

[all grunting]

- There's too many!
- This fight is kind of boring.

Will you all just,
like, die already?

HAM: Beefbo and his companions
were surrounded

and, in a panic, he folded
himself into the mattress

and, like, somehow magically
and bravely disappeared.

When Beefbo finally awoke,
the Borcs had been defeated

and his friends had, like,
found him somehow.

Well, look who decided to wake
up after the battle is over.

You know how many times
I got stabbed?

- A lot.
- How did you know that the mattress

- would make you disappear?
- I didn't.

Well, let's take a break
to eat, 'cause, you know,

we need time for a plot twist,
so we can't

go to the evil garbage mountain
that's right next to us just yet.

HAM: As they ate third breakfast,
the mattress

started using its dark magic,

trying to tempt the fellows
to betray each other.

Psst. Why don't you and I
run away together?

You're not the first mattress
to chat me up.

- Answer's no, bud.
- Dang it.

- Hey, Jerry?
- Mm-mmm. Leave me alone.

Moonli, you can possess
my power.

Yes. Yes.
I could take the special.

Give me the mattress.
I'll k*ll you all!

- It's mine. Mine!
- This mattress is too powerful.

It's gonna turn you all
to the dark side.

JUDY:
Uh, Ham that's Star Wars.

HAM: Is it? Oh, yeah.
Anyway, my point is,

at that moment, Beefbo decides
he has to take the mattress

the rest of the way all alone.

And then, out of nowhere,
garbage demons

that looked like Delmer appeared.

Beefbo knocked them out
with kicking.

- Oh, hell no.
- Oh, hell no.

- Oh, hell no.
- Oh, hell no.

HAM: Then, finally, he reached
the edge of the fiery pit,

but that mattress
was not down to die,

and, frankly,
got quite sassy with Beefbo.

You don't destroy me.

I destroy you.
Night-night, Beefbo. [yelling]

HAM:
It looks like Beefbo is toast,

but then, suddenly,
Meatball appears.

He grabs onto the mattress.

My special!

[screaming]

HAM: And for a second,
it seems like Beefbo's dead

and it's like, "Oh, no!"

But actually, he grabbed the cliff,
and it's like, "Hell yeah!"

Having saved the world,
Beefbo collapses.

But when he awakens,
he's in the new bed

that Hamdalf had made for him.

And then the Norbits come in

and have a, you know,

a big pillow fight
for no reason.

Thank you, Hamdalf.
Now my life is perfect

because of this bed, the end.

That was a lovely story, Ham.

JUDY:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was great.
But, Dad, this isn't the bed for you.

Sure, it's pretty and relaxing,
but you hate relaxing.

You like getting things done.

What you need is a bed
that works as hard as you do.

Keep talking.

[whistles]

Yep, that's the whistle,
now let ol' Judy

- tell you about the bells.
- You know, fun fact:

- I've never had mango or melon.
- Really?

Tropical fruit doesn't make it
to Lone Moose very often.

One time, I did have a
teaspoon of pineapple-orange

flavored Mucinex.
Mmm, I'll never forget it.

Maybe you should try
a fruit flower?

- They won't notice just one.
- I guess you're right.

Let me tango with some mango.

Honeydew me!

Ah, this is the best thing
I've ever tasted.

- You got to try some.
- Mm-mmm.

I'm from the Central Valley,

and I have very high standards
for fru... Ooh!

Oh, and that is some
damn good fruit!

Should we eat just one more?

Mm, one more each.
So it looks balanced?

Fruit by the fudge,
what have we done?

We buffeted the whole bouquet.

Bedside fax machine,

a footstool that doubles
as a Keurig.

Smart A.I. drool absorption
technology.

- Do I... want that?
- Of course I do.

I mean, you do.

Because in
your professional life,

this bed will get you
right to the top.

As you will hear in
the competition-winning story

of a young woman named Jandrea,

who is a lot like me,
but brunette. [ringing]

Jandrea wakes up
in her nondescript apartment

on her lumpy
but relatable mattress.

It's her first day
working at Mattress,

the premiere mattress magazine.

She's late, but it's cute.

JANDREA:
My first job in journalism.

I bet it'll go really smoothly

and everyone
will like me right away.

- Hello.
- Okay.

First things first, I don't like you.

Now keep up because
I'm only gonna say this once.

- I'm first assistant, you're second.
- Uh...

- I'm great, you're terrible.
- Okay.

- Beefanda is our boss.
- Right.

He's pushing out
the September Mattress issue,

- going to Mattress Week in Phoenix.
- Uh-huh.

Oh. And he's also going through
a divorce and getting pushed

out of the company and he's
gonna take it all out on you.

- Oh.
- Mm, shove it in your hat, the Pope. Ciao.

Hi there. I'm Jandrea,

your new
assistant-slash-journalist.

Chug-a-chug-a-snooze-snooze.

The new mattress line is in.

- Mün, who's that?
- Her? Ugh, don't get me started.

Hmm, these feel more posh futon

than mattress.
What do you think?

You know me,
a bed skirt and a box spring

- and I'm sleepin' all over Seattle.
- Let's try a fitted sheet.

And that, sir, is why
you get paid the big bucks.

- Groundbreaking.
- [laughs]

Is something funny, Pangea?

It's Jandrea.
It's just that...

these mattresses
all look the same to me.

I'm still learning
about these things.

Things? Okay.

You think this doesn't
have anything to do with you.

Based on your bed head,
you sleep on a

Swedish big box
Nerdboink mattress.

What you don't know
is that your dumpy

bed-in-a-box
isn't made of memory foam.

It's not latex,
it's not gel, it's a hybrid.

In , Serta did
a collection of hybrids.

Then Stearns and Foster.

Then, in our September issue,
we did the defining spread.

Hybrid mattresses sprang up
in a dozen department stores.

That lump of coil and foam
sitting on your floor

was chosen for you by us.

From a bunch of "things."

- Nothing more.
- [exhales]

JUDY: And just like that,
Jandrea was in

way over
her relatable brunette head.

Judy, are you really trying
to get Dad to buy you this bed

so you can someday
work at a magazine?

[scoffs] Yeah, he doesn't
even like them.

- He calls them slippery books.
- Shh.

Quiet, both of you, or I'll
kick your slippery butts.

Okay, so Jandrea
was commiserating

with her new friend-slash-mentor
Wolfgang...

Beefanda asked me for
a Murphy bed and then I spent

four hours trying to find out
what Eddie Murphy sleeps on.

Well, have you ever considered
that if you just

bought an attractive
performance bed suddenly

you'd become successful
and betray all of your friends?

No, I hadn't considered that.

JUDY: So she does it. She buys
the bed, which is a great bed.

It's much better than
the bed that Ham wanted,

which is frankly garbage.

And then she starts dressing
better and she doesn't mind

when her boss throws
stuff at her head and then

everything is basically perfect
because she bought the bed.

Sangria, when the rough draft

of the September Mattress
issue is ready,

drop it off at my house tonight.

I want you to do it because

now I like you
better than I like Mün.

I'll give her the keys.

[Beefanda crying]

Beefanda, are you okay?

Jandrea, I don't want you
to see me like this.

My life is in shambles. If
it weren't for this affordable

yet feature-rich bed
I don't know what I would do.

But I've made a decision.

I want you in Phoenix
with me for Mattress Week.

- Yes, absolutely.
- Great.

Tell Mün that
he's no longer going.

Oh, and could you fall down
the stairs on your way out?

- I think it would be funny.
- Of course.

[grunting]
[thumping]

I don't know how to tell Mün
he's not going to Phoenix.

I knew the high-end Mattress

world would change you,
and I was right.

But I'm still taking
this free designer mattress

you brought to this
restaurant to give me.

Yeah, and I know
we just appeared in this story

out of nowhere, but trust us,

you've turned into
a very bad person.

- [grunting]
- Whoa, whoa, wait. Please stay.

Maybe I won't
betray Mün and tell him

that he's not going to Phoenix.
Uh...

- Oh, hi, Mün.
- Ouch, Jandrea.

I guess bed bugs do bite.

The only thing
that would make this worse

is if I got hit by a taxi.

[grunts]
My scarves!

So Jandrea,
realizing she's gone too far,

uses a very special feature
on the bed: the wake-up call.

Wake-up calls are not
an actual feature of the bed.

They are now, Matt.

BED: Jandrea, this is
your wake-up call.

As your smart bed, I'm
advising you to be ambitious.

- Uh-huh.
- But not too ambitious.

- All right.
- And also be pretty,

- but not too pretty.
- Got it.

And keep those new bangs
but wear your old jeans.

Basically,
be the best version of yourself.

- JUDY: And that's what she does.
- HAM: Okay. I like her now.

JUDY: Right? But Jandrea
still has to go to Phoenix

for Mattress Week.

Tempur-Pedic's done it again.

Set a meeting with them.
Oh, and also text Mün

and tell him he's a barf bag
and he stinks.

You know what,
I don't want to.

[phone ringing]

So, what brought you to our
little local mattress magazine?

Well, I learned a very important
lesson from a performance bed.

And the lesson I learned
was that every father

should buy a performance bed,
so that when he dies

- his daughter can have it.
- You're hired.

See, Dad?
It's the perfect bed.

- For me and you.
- I'd love for you to have this bed

if it would
change your life, Judy.

I mean, it's $ , ,
but I guess I could

spread it out
over credit cards.

Father, Father, Father,
this isn't the bed for you.

You're a man of action.
Sleep bores you.

That's why you only do it
for four and half hours a night.

I have four words for you.

Twin. Size. Racecar. Bed.

Matthew, show us
your racing fleet.

You want me to show your father

- a child's racecar bed?
- Vroom-vroom, sir.

WOLF: All right, well, with
a few items from the truck stop,

I think this arrangement
is looking quite eatable again.

We've got chocolates,
Peeps, boner pills.

Hopefully this couple
has never seen a bouquet.

Or fruit.

Oh, hey. You must be
the people from Lone Moose.

Thanks for driving all this way.

Hold on, this is from Nancy?
What is it?

Well, okay, here's the truth.
We made this.

I mean, we got
the eatable bouquet,

an actual one
with mango and melon.

And really did want
to give it to you guys.

But we couldn't help ourselves.
We ate it.

Nancy would send us
a mango and melon bouquet.

Because she knows
I'm deathly allergic to mango

and Sheryl's
deathly allergic to melon.

[gasps]
Nancy was trying to k*ll y'all?

Yep. Nancy is his bitter ex,
who has apparently moved on

from light stalking
to full-on m*rder.

Hold up.
Are we... heroes?

Uh, we wouldn't have eaten it.

We're not stupid.
But sure?

Thanks for delivering this,
but we've got to move

to another town again.
Do you have any ideas?

Uh, never mind,
we'll figure it out on the road.

Well, I really like them.
I hope we stay in touch.

I'd take a fruit b*llet
for those two angels any day.

MOON: Looking good.

Looking real good. Now, Dad?

Buckle up, because this
bedtime story really moves.

It's about
a ten-year-old racing champion.

But he doesn't do regular
racing, he does sleep racing.

JUDY: Wait, like, the drivers
are asleep?

MOON: Yep. The deeper they sleep,
the faster they go.

ANNOUNCER: Moon Raceheart
Junior Senior the Third

wins the Sleepy !

Moon, wake up, Bud. You did it!

That was an excellent race.

And I only invest in excellence.

I'm Beefsteak Fjord,

CEO of Norwegian
sleep racecar company Fjord.

I want to sponsor you
and b*at the Italian carmaker

Santiago Car-race-io
in the famous

-hour race, the Sleep Le Mans.

Yes, great, let's team up
even though we just met.

Because I bet
you'll turn out to be kind of

a father figure to me
and I'll learn a lot

from you about changing
my hot-headed ways.

So Moon Race Heart Junior
Senior the Third agreed to work

with Beefsteak Fjord and
build the greatest racecar bed

in automotive mattress history

during a classic
build-a-racecar montage.

You know what it's like.
Sparks fly, drills go, "bzz-bzz."

People wipe sweat
from their brow.

But in the end, it's all worth it.

Boy, am I glad
we did that montage,

'cause our car is pretty sweet.

MOON: Team Fjord had
one last practice race

before the Sleep Le Mans.

ANNOUNCER: Moon takes the lead.
That Fjord racecar bed

can really move,
and is still affordable.

I want to buy one right now
to pass on to my youngest son.

HAM: He was doing great, but then
something catastrophic happened.

A nightlight turned on,
disturbing his sleep!

Dang-tona !
Where is that light coming from?

Hey, Moon.
Stay asleep, bud. Shh.

[grunting]
Aah!

"Car-race-io brand"?

- Sabotaggio.
- MATTHEW: Just to say,

these beds
are really only designed

to hold the weight of a child.

It's fine.
You're fine, right, Dad?

- Actually...
- He's great.

So, back at the racetrack,
it's race day

at the -hour race
known as the Sleep Le Mans.

And Santiago Car-race-cio
will be tough to b*at.

Don't worry about him.

You worry about
winning the race.

MOON:
They were at the four-hour mark.

Judy-etto and Moon
were tied for first.

Then Judy-etto
went in for a pit stop.

[speaks in Italian]

Sabotaggio.

MOON:
By the next morning,

Moon Raceheart
Junior Senior the Third

had a comfortable lead,
so then

he went in for a pit stop.

He's coming in!

[whispering]
Be very, very quiet.

- No monsters.
- Sweet dreams.

MOON:
Then the unthinkable happened.

- [gasps] We got a leak.
- Moon wet the bed.

Sorry, did you just
have yourself wet the bed

- in your own story?
- Yeah, I do what it takes.

I'll poop myself
in my story if I have to.

- So, back at the race...
- His pajamas are still damp.

We don't have time
to change him. We got to hope

- that he makes it. Go, go, go.
- ANNOUNCER: Final lap.

MOON: The finish line's in sight,
but if Raceheart Junior Senior

wakes up because of his
pee-pee pajamas, he'll crash!

- [phone rings]
- Talk to me. It's the boss.

He thinks he's come up with
a way to keep Moon asleep.

We got to patch him through.

♪ Hush, Moon Raceheart
Junior Senior the Third ♪

♪ Remember what I said ♪

♪ Papa's gonna buy himself
a racecar bed ♪

♪ And if that racecar bed
still runs ♪

♪ Papa's gonna give it
to his youngest son. ♪

MOON: And so, Moon Raceheart
Junior Senior the Third

is lulled back to sleep.

And in the last lap,
he rockets past

Judy-etto, winning
the -hour Sleep Le Mans!

ANNOUNCER:
Moon Tobin wins!

The son won the race

because the father figure
sang him a song.

Oh, you little jerk, you tugged

- on Dad's heartstrings.
- Damn it.

- I'll take the racecar bed.
- No! You will not.

I can't let a grown man buy
a tiny, whimsically-themed bed.

I'm sorry, sir, but your selfish
children are driving me

just bonkers and now I'm
gonna give you all a lecture.

Fine, but please go ahead

and draw up the lease paperwork
on this bed while you do it,

- my good man.
- Not a chance.

Sir, listen.
I have two kids and I know

what it's like to always
put them first,

but this should be
something for you.

Kids, I bet your dad
does a lot for you.

And-and now you can
do something for him.

Help him pick what he
actually wants. [sighs]

I'm sorry, Dad. Maybe we did
get a little carried away.

Whatever you buy will be
a great Tobin family heirloom.

- I agree, as long as it's the racecar.
- Moon.

Well, this is a big decision.
It might take me days.

We are open till : , sir.

Medium firm, standard queen.

Totally worth staying
three hours after closing.

And then spending four hours
resizing your frame

with some precise
carpentry work.

Hey, guys, you won't believe
the wild day we had.

Is it wilder than Dad finally
getting a new mattress?

Wait, where's the old one?

We dropped it
at Junkyard Kyle's.

What?! That mattress
was my birthright.

I'm going to Junkyard Kyle's.

- Wolf, no.
- Birthright.

♪ Melons and mangos
Mangos and melons ♪

♪ I got a little taste
and then I fell in love ♪

♪ Where'd you get
those cantaloupes, hon? ♪

♪ Look so tasty ♪

♪ That you know
I gotta grab 'em ♪

- ♪ Uh-uh ♪
- ♪ Yes, watermelons ♪

♪ Honeydews and casabas ♪

♪ Look so good you know
I need you in my bod-ah ♪

- ♪ Where in your body? ♪
- ♪ I'm just really into fruit ♪

♪ I want it inside of me... ♪

Okay, I give up.
Have fun with it, Wolf.

♪ Melons and mangos
Mangos and melons ♪

♪ I got a little taste
and then I fell in love. ♪