RALLO [SINGING]
: Bells will be ringing The glad, glad news Oh, what a Christmas To have the blues My baby's gone I have no friends To wish me greetings once again CHILDREN [SINGING]
: Choirs will be singing "Silent Night" Christmas carols by candlelight Take it, Rallo.
Please come home for Christmas Oh, please, please come home For Christmas And if not for Christmas By New Year's night CHILDREN: Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, baby.
We got through this pageant.
Give me some presents.
Hey, old man.
I don't expect you to throw your giant panties on the stage but it's Christmas, the least you can do is pay attention.
Leave me alone, kid.
I'm Jewish.
So?
Just because you're bad at sports doesn't mean you can't celebrate Jesus' birthday.
Listen, you little pischer, Jews celebrate Hanukkah.
Now b*at it.
You're lowering my property values.
Okay, I'm not sure what that first part meant but that last bit was definitely r*cist.
Put them up.
What's going on here?
- He's a Jew r*cist.
- He's a black anti
-Semite.
Murray, hush your mouth.
What I told you about your folksy racism?
He insulted my religion.
Wait, Jewish is a religion?
I just thought it was a way to describe people who were thrifty or ran the media or could always top your sad story with a sadder story.
Rallo, those are negative stereotypes.
And they're just as hurtful and offensive as African American ste Oh, a penny.
I'm just kidding.
You know, we have a program where kids can spend time with our residents to learn about their different cultures.
Oh, it is so heartwarming and there are surprisingly few molestations.
I think in the spirit of the holidays I'm going to require that Rallo participate in that program.
What?
I'm not spending the weekend before Christmas with the kosher Klansman here.
I agree with Rochester.
Not a chance.
All right, then suit yourself.
Instead, we're gonna sign you both up to celebrate Ramadan.
- I'll hang with Jewy.
- I'll hang with Brownie.
Roberta, come on, it's time to trim the tree.
You've been texting Federline for over an hour.
You can tell time.
Good for you.
Put the pretty icicles on the damn tree.
- Yes, ma'am.
FREIGHT TRAIN: Christmas, 1975.
Look at your grandma.
Wasn't she beautiful?
We had sex right after that picture was taken.
- Didn't we, Cookie?
- Did we?
Yes, you did.
I dressed up like Santa Claus and left a present in her chimney.
I have very mixed feelings about your visits.
- Daddy, why you all beaten up?
- Because of Boxing Day.
Your grandfather used to make me box him to get my Christmas presents.
I got one for every round I lasted.
What a horrible memory.
Why do I even celebrate Christmas at all?
But Boxing Day is a holiday in Canada where they box up gifts for the less fortunate.
Canada's gay.
How could you have let him treat your son that way?
This is the first I'm hearing of it.
Tubby, now that I'm back, maybe we should start up the tradition again.
Or we can come up with a new tradition like dancing around in cowboy boots and underwear.
Way ahead of you, Dad.
[MIMICKING BANJO TWANGING]
Oh, what a surprise, you're not in school.
Shut your blintz
-hole and let's get this over with.
You know, I think I figured out why you're so cranky.
Christmas is four days away and you don't even have a tree.
I told you, Jews celebrate Hanukkah.
Yeah, what is that?
I tried looking it up but no one knows how to spell it, so I gave up.
You people, with your sarcasm and your disrespect.
You people?
You know, I could call you "you people" too.
You mean you chosen people?
- Chosen to be a pain in my butt.
- Ha! You're not wrong.
So where's all your Hanukkah decorations?
I don't celebrate anything anymore.
Except a successful bowel movement.
Okay, come on now, Murray, time for your nap.
I don't wanna take a nap.
You never want to take your nap but you have to.
You need help getting into your pull
-up diaper?
No.
Now leave me alone.
[GRUNTS]
Sounds like being 85 is a lot like being 5.
It's pretty similar.
Dinner at 5, bath at 6.
[IN UNISON]
Then Wheel of Fortune and lights out.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Well, it was fine meeting you, Rallo.
You're one of the good ones.
You too, Murray.
Hey, maybe I'll stop by again tomorrow.
And if it makes you feel any better, I gotta sleep in pull
-ups too.
It does make me feel better.
Dad, is the Santa at the mall the real Santa or one of his helpers?
Because when I asked him, he said he was the real one but then I saw him steal a bracelet from Claire's Boutique.
Your boy sounds a little soft, Cleveland.
But I guess when your dad's too big a wuss to fight that's what happens.
- I am a good human being.
I have positive qualities.
Cleveland, honey, are you gay?
It's okay if you are.
Actually, it would explain a lot.
How can you let them talk to you that way in your own home?
Donna, enough.
I will not be talked to that way in my own home.
- Shut up, fool.
- Okay.
Your dad's been pushing you around for years.
Have you ever even tried hitting him back?
Donna, I'm a cable installer.
These are my livelihood.
This is never gonna stop until you stand up to that man.
- Listen
- No, you listen.
Either you're gonna fight your dad, or you're gonna fight me.
- You hear me?
- Ow! Yes, I hear you.
I'll do it.
I'll fight him.
Your hands are so big and rough.
Damn right.
Now set your clock and grab your jock because tomorrow, we start training.
Oh yeah?
What time?
Last word.
I won.
[SIGHS]
This place is sucking the life out of me.
It's like being in prison.
You'll see soon enough.
What was that?
I couldn't hear you over your nose.
Anyway, why don't you just leave?
I can't just leave.
Not by myself anyway.
You know, I saw something in a movie that just might work.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, God.
That's not what happened in the movie.
Sorry.
- I'm 5.
Hang on.
- Get me off this cockamamie thing.
I got a BB g*n.
What the hell is wrong with you?
All I need you to do is hold open the front door, it's heavy.
Hey, Murray.
Up yours.
All my goyim friends Are making up their lists And all my goyim friends Get some pretty sweet gifts Like snowboards, cell phones Paintball g*ns and iPods Memberships To the last restricted golf clubs But we We will march on Six
-pack of socks From each of our Moms It's oh so wrong But we will march on It's getting kind of late.
We should probably head back.
[SIGHS]
Life goes pretty fast, Rallo.
One day, you're shtupping Madeline Kahn at Paul Mazursky's Seder and the next day, you only own one pair of shoes.
I'm not going back.
- What?
- You heard me.
I'd rather freeze to death on this bench than go back to that place.
Then you're coming home with me.
Heh.
You know what?
That's very nice of you.
- What's the rent?
- Four
-fifty.
In this economy?
For a sleeping bag?
Three
-fifty, tops.
I'm not even making a profit on this one.
Two
-seventy
-five.
- Two
-fifty.
- Deal.
Two dollars and fifty cents.
I knew you'd try to "you people" me down.
And fade to your people.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Welcome to your new home.
- Ha.
We're like a sitcom.
CHORUS [SINGS]
: Jew DONNA: Rallo, are you in your room?
It's my mom.
Hurry, get in the closet.
- Who were you talking to?
- Um, Jesus.
His birthday's almost here so I'm just making him a mix CD.
Oh, honey, I think Jesus has an iPod.
That's some weak D, Rallo.
I'm going to the kitchen.
What do you want?
[MURRAY SPEAKING SOFTLY AND RALLO COUGHING]
Chopped herring, potato pancakes and two soft boiled eggs on rye toast.
And see if you can turn that facacta heater up.
I thought I told you to stop watching Curb Your Enthusiasm.
You're gonna have a grilled cheese, momma's gonna open a bottle of wine lay on the sofa with her pants off for a little while.
[SIGHS]
Listen up.
This training will not be easy it will not be fun and it will not be over until I am satisfied.
Sounds like our honeymoon.
Ow! What was that for?
This fight is happening whether you want it to or not and you have got to be ready.
When I was on the foxy boxing circuit, if some bitch came at me I didn't care if I was in the ring backstage, nursery school parking lot, she got some of this.
Hit me back.
[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
Hit me back.
Come on.
Hit me, nancy.
Get up.
Get up.
And where'd you get that cupcake?
Found it.
We've got a lot of work to do.
[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER" PLAYING]
Ah, Rallo, if Jews believed in heaven, which we don't because it's ridiculous think about it, this would be it.
[COUGHING]
That sounds bad.
What does your doctor say?
Who can hear him over all the coughing?
Rallo, look what I made for you.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Junior, this is my friend Murray.
He's Jewish and he's staying with me for a while.
But you've gotta promise not to tell anyone, all right?
- Is he friendly?
- It comes and goes.
DONNA: Rallo, can you come down here, please?
Oh, man.
Okay, you two don't go anywhere.
I'll be right back.
So, what really happened with Lehman Brothers?
Rallo, you remember Mrs.
Bailey with the Jamaican accent from the rest home?
Rallo, Murray is missing, it's urgent that I find him.
I was wondering if he contacted you.
- Hi.
- No, ma'am.
I haven't heard from him.
But if I do, I'll let you know.
Well, see that you do.
He has water on the lungs and he needs his treatment in order to breathe and live and complain.
So if he doesn't go back, he could die?
You lied to me.
You told me you were dying in that rest home.
But the rest home was keeping you alive.
Look, kid, you're too young to understand this but living isn't just about life, it's quality of life.
Think about it, would you rather have or 10 years with Senator Dianne Feinstein?
I'd like to have 30 minutes with Cheryl Hines.
[WHISTLES]
But, Murray, you could die.
I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather die here than live in that farshtinkener place another day.
Promise you won't send me back.
- But
- Promise me, Rallo.
I promise.
You know, back in Quahog, an old man used to live in my suitcase.
[SINGING]
There's no business like show business There's no business I know
- You're ready.
- I love working out.
[BELL RINGS]
I'm gonna bust you up.
Probably.
Yeah! Whoo, whoo!
- All right, yeah.
Come on, come on.
- Hit him.
JUNIOR: Hit him.
Hit him.
DONNA: Yeah.
Yeah.
- Too slow, Cassius Gay.
[SHOUTING]
You can't touch me, Tubby.
I'm too fast.
Check this out.
Hey, baby.
- Holy crap, I hit him.
- Hit him again, damn it.
[FREIGHT TRAIN GRUNTING]
[LAUGHING]
Happy Boxing Day, sucker.
Cleveland, stop.
He's having a heart att*ck.
No, he's having a fist att*ck.
Cleveland, stop.
He really is having a heart att*ck.
[PANTING]
[CLEVELAND MUMBLING]
Cleveland, it appears your father has suffered a mild heart att*ck.
I've never seen one accompanied by bruises to the face before.
I was b*ating him up at the time.
Oh, hey, no judgment.
Anywho, he should be fine.
I'd like to run a few more tests to be sure but it's Christmas Eve and I'd rather be with my family, so I'm going home.
Cleveland, I am so sorry.
[SOBBING]
This isn't how I wanted to k*ll my father.
Junior, I'm scared, man.
Don't worry, Rallo.
The doctor says Grandpa will be fine.
What?
I'm talking about Murray.
I don't want him to go back to that home but I don't want him to die, either.
You should do what your heart tells you to.
Thank you for the worthless platitude.
All right, then I hope your old friend dies.
Would that make you happy?
You happy now?
You happy that your old friend gonna die?
You happy now, Rallo?
Now quit teasing me! [COUGHING]
That sounds bad.
You need anything?
I'm just so cold.
Jewish
-person cold, or regular
-person cold?
Rallo, I found these in the dishwasher.
Do you know where they came from?
Oh, yeah, those are my funny novelty teeth.
Oh, cool.
Let me try.
Look at me.
I'm Joe Biden.
My teeth taste like kosher salami.
[LAUGHING]
And this must be your oversized novelty diaper.
Now I'm Larry King.
Caller, you're on.
I gotta come in here more often, it's like a joke shop.
Rallo, what is going on in here?
Rallo, no.
Sweet biscuits and garment districts.
I'm sorry, Mama, but he hated living in that home and he had no place else to go.
Are you out of your damn mind?
Rallo, you have to take him back.
- But
- I'm sorry, but Cleveland's right.
Murray's sick.
He needs to go back.
If it's any consolation, sir, I will give you $10 for your teeth.
Eight dollars.
You know what?
I don't want them.
BAILEY: It's a good thing you called when you did.
You may have saved the man's life.
Ten minutes, Murray, then it's nap time.
You betrayed me, Rallo.
Have a nice life.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm so sorry I almost k*lled you.
You'll be back on your feet in time for next Boxing Day.
No, I'm too old.
Come on, Pop, you're never too old to hit your son.
Back when you were a little kid, I thought I'd keep hitting you forever.
If I'd known it'd end up like this, I would have hit you on your birthday too.
[SOBBING]
We didn't know.
We didn't know.
[GASPS]
A garden hose, a wheelbarrow and a straw hat?
Thanks, Miss Donna.
Now I can pretend I'm a relatively ignorant but happy
-go
-lucky groundskeeper.
[WHISTLING]
Anybody here got an opinion on Palestine?
What the hell are you doing here?
Look, I know you gotta live here or you'll die but that doesn't mean we can't bust you out for Christmas.
Thank you, Rallo.
You're a good friend.
But I can't go anywhere.
They upped the security since I got back.
Get back to your room.
You have 10 seconds to comply.
- What in the blazes?
- Five, four
- Heavens, I thought you were a juke box.
three, two, one.
Not a problem.
We're going out through the window.
I can't leave them behind, Rallo.
Who said they weren't coming with?
[WHISTLES]
Yippee!
- I feel alive!
- Is this the Internet?
[SHOUTS IN HEBREW]
Hey, come back here with my old people.
Guards! This barrow can't hold them all.
- Get in.
- What are you doing here?
My father taught me a little something about the hopelessness of the elderly America's most precious resource.
ANNOUNCER: You're watching CBS.
Thanks, Old Brown.
You're a real mensch.
Yeah, what he said.
Merry Christmas, Cleveland.
Now do your pops a favor and hand me a piece of that fudge.
Boxing Day, bitch! CLEVELAND: Now, this feels like Christmas.
Come here.
I wanna show you something.
- What is this?
- Tonight's the last night of Hanukkah.
Will you be my He
-bro?
You did all this for me?
You said you stopped celebrating because you were alone.
Well, this year, you're not.
Happy Hanukkah, Murray.
Merry Christmas, Rallo.
[MEDICAL EQUIPMENT BUZZING TO TUNE OF "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS"]