My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
I loved that movie.
All I can say is, Heil, Heigl.
Offensive to some.
Son, you know I value our time together.
As do I, Papar.
Do not People are I Thank you for asking me to be your date tonight
-
- preesh the Dotz
-
- but perhaps, in the future, you could invite a young lady you're sweet on.
Hey, Junior! Ernie Krinklesac, as I live and breathe.
Junior, Mr.
Brown, this here's my new girlfriend Sharla.
Sharla Krinklesac.
No relation.
Hopefully! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! See, Junior?
Your hayseed friend is with a girl, and he seems to be having fun.
Yup.
So's our neighbor Raymond over there with his new bessie! I'm gonna lick you down to nothing.
Is the candy for me?
No, son, it's for the girl you're gonna woo today.
Woo who?
Are you excited or are you asking which girl we're gonna woo today?
I'm not sure.
But I'm eating the candy.
Junior, listen to me.
Your friends all have girlfriends and you deserve one, too.
So now you will begin love lessons from the master.
Mace Windu?
! No, not a Jedi Master.
A love master! Me! Our first lesson is down the hall.
You mean Whitney?
She's a nice girl.
No, she's a gazelle, and you're a panther.
Can I be the Pink Panther?
No! Now go ask her for a date.
But don't be sweet, cuddly Junior.
Be Mace Windu, the tough Jedi who won't take no for an answer.
Little tip: always mimic her body language.
It'll put her at ease.
Go! Oh, hi, Junior.
Oh, hi, Whitney.
I want to take you out.
And before you answer, I should warn you, my Force is strong.
If you say no, I'll use my Force on you.
I'll Force you right here against the lockers.
And you can say no all you want, but I'll just keep Forcing you.
Oh, God, she pepper
-sprayed him.
She maced Windu.
Ba
-da
-bop
-bada
-bop! Junior, What did the girls's bathroom look like?
Buddy, did you notice the way the chubby server
-girl with the moles on the back of her neck smiled at you?
Yeah.
Well, you're chubby and you have a mole on the back of your neck.
Actually, that's a Hershey's Kiss I'm saving for later.
May I have it?
No.
Maybe I could share it with her.
Well, okay.
Um do you work here?
No, I'm stealing the plates.
Oh, I should probably tell the management.
That was a joke.
Oh.
The people in this booth left some chips, if you want to split them with Yes.
I'm gonna step out the way and let you do your thang.
And see if you can find out why salsa's free but you gotta pay for guacamole.
Wow.
Hello! A little help, Dad?
Thanks.
Normally, that would make me want to punch the house, but nothing can bring me down today.
I'm in love! Te amo, Cecilia! Wow, Junior.
Seems like things are getting serious between you and your girlfriend, ooh
-hoo
-hoo! Yeah.
And her family wants to meet you.
They invited all of us to their restaurant for dinner tonight.
Dinner, ooh
-hoo
-hoo
-hoo! I think there's more food on this menu than there is in the kitchen.
And how is a three cheese enchilada a heart
-smart option?
And why am I taller than all the busboys?
Be quiet and eat your menu lettuce.
Here she comes.
Hey, Junior.
How you doing?
Fine, thank you.
Well, that was rude.
Mi amor! But, wha?
Junior, that fat one'd be none
-too
-pleased see you here talking with this good
-looking one.
Huh?
I think your papi is being confused.
Señor Brown, I am Cecilia, The girl who has brought you the chips is my cousin, Flora.
And Flora introduced us.
Am am I dreaming?
! Nope.
Ah! Salas
-eye! You want me to do the avion?
Por favor.
Oh, because it was so hard to get him to eat before.
So, if you're 16, how come you don't go to Stoolbend High?
I came from Mexico only a few weeks ago.
I work full
-time here at my aunt's restaurant.
But I am hoping to become a nurse.
A nurse, you say?
What a perfect match.
Junior's future is sure to be riddled with medical problems.
And I worry.
Hey! Junior said you'd be the best
-looking middle
-aged black couple in the place.
I'm Cecilia's Aunt Choni.
Did you like the food?
It's Mexican food.
It's the same everywhere.
I'm so happy my niece found Junior.
I want to throw a big fiesta for the two of them.
That means "nap.
" Uh, excuse me?
No, no, no.
It's a big, traditional Mexican party.
Are you Mexican?
You sound Puerto Rican.
I went to college in Puerto Rico and the accent's the only thing I learned.
Oh.
Ah, you should come! We have dancing, a piñata, a drunk man walking around with a million inflatable toys tied to a stick.
And plenty of food to fatten this one up.
Come on, TÃa Choni, no moleste! All right, Cleveland, why'd you dig out your ol' Smug Suspenders?
Oh, these old things?
Perhaps because I'm feeling superior today.
In fact, sock
-garter superior.
Hmm?
This should be a doozy.
The dooziest.
It would seem my beloved son has become the object of a young lady's affections.
What, a blind chick thought he was a beanbag chair and sat on his face?
Tosh
-funny! Hey, Dad.
Got your text.
Here's the cordless sander you asked to bring from home.
Oh, thank you.
I need that.
Oh, and while you're here, why don't you introduce the guys to your girlfriend?
I am hearing so much about all of you.
Don't worry, all bueno.
There we go.
Okay, all done.
Bye
-bye.
Oh, and Junior, put the sander back in the garage, good boy?
Okay, bye
-bye everybody.
Uh, Cleveland, I don't mean to fart on your French fries, but you do realize this makes you look bad.
Come again?
Your son's girlfriend is hotter than your wife.
He outranked you.
Brody
-Jennered your Bruce, beeotch.
That's unfair! You're comparing my 42
-year
-old wife to a 16
-year
-old girl.
Took that into account.
Really good at snapping photos of chicks when they're not looking.
Used the smartphone app to age it up.
Mucho hotter.
Yup.
Your boy has outdone you.
I'm not in competition with my son.
And how dare you suggest otherwise?
! It's an ugly thought.
Ugly! My wife is a beautiful, mature woman.
Cecilia is just a child.
When she's been with as many men as my wife, then we'll talk! Ooh, more cheesy bread! Hope they brought some for y'all, too, ha
-ha! I think we've all had enough cheesy bread.
What?
Señora Brown, for you to call and invite me on this double date with you and your big husband, my heart is so smiling.
Thank you.
Well, gracias to you for putting a lot of fears we had about Junior to rest.
Startin' to worry 'bout this boy ovah heah! Not flattering.
Boy, hot in here.
Anyone else want to remove their bulky, clownish jacket?
It is kinda stuffy.
This'll help, too.
Cleveland, what are you?
Buenas noches.
A song for the señoritas?
Actually, yeah.
Can I borrow your guit?
Cecilia Como aquellos juguetes Okay, he is not fluent in Spanish.
Que yo tuve en los dias And he's never played guitar.
Never! Infantiles de ayer It is unrealistic for him to suddenly gain these abilities.
Mi Junior Oh, the duet.
Of course.
Como el beso Robado Hey, another Jack, straight up.
Como el llanto llorado Cleveland, you're driving tonight.
Driving into a tree.
Por un hondo placer.
That was the most romantic thing I have ever seen in my life.
Like I didn't just take you to Wrestlemannia.
Cleveland, you are jealous of your 14
-year
-old son.
Ooh, that is sad on a cr*cker.
Me?
! Jealous of Junior?
For what?
It's not like he got to meet my boyhood idol Johnny Bench?
! Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm actually meeting you.
Oh, hey.
I was just letting my new buddy Junior know that I'm buying dinner for him, his gorgeous young girlfriend, and her grandmother.
She is not old enough to be her grandmother.
In my community, she is.
It's a thrill to meet you, Johnny Bench.
Nice to meet you, guy whose son's girlfriend is hotter than his wife.
Oh, Cleveland, glad you're here.
Settle an argument, will you?
Would you say Cecilia is beautiful or gorgeous?
I said "beautiful," Tim said "gorgeous," Holt tragically said "Whoomp, there it is.
" I am so sick of hearing about "Cecilia.
Ooh, cuchi
-cuchi.
" She's not that hot.
And even if she was
-
- which she is
-
- does anyone find her "great love" with Junior the least bit suspicious?
Yup.
I do.
Yeah.
It's weird.
Yeah, he's fat.
He's not fat.
But if he was
-
- which he is
-
- why would someone like her be with someone like him?
He's only 14 years old.
And I worry.
She's crazy.
All hot girls are crazy.
But not all crazy girls are hot.
She could be a chubby chaser.
I've heard such weirdos exist.
Well, I'm going to a party at their house tomorrow night and I'm going to find out what's really going on.
Because no one takes advantage of Junior.
You sold him a Super Ball yesterday for 60 bucks.
It was my bounciest one.
Went over the house.
Hey, how you doing?
Rallo Tubbs.
Great to meet you.
Yeah.
Rallo Tubbs.
Hey.
Just want you to know I'm cool with you.
So, remember this face when you're outnumbering the rest of us in a few years.
Yeah, yeah.
Rallo Tubbs.
Who who is cool with you.
Yeah.
Don't hurt me.
I'm worried, Donna.
About Junior?
No, about that baby having its ears pierced.
And Junior, too.
I mean, how much do we really know about Cecilia?
Oye, amigos.
Atención, por favor.
I just want to say how happy I am that Fudgy the Whale here rrrrrrrolled into our lives.
Mi casa es su casa.
Hey, don't stick me with that foreclosure.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
Here's our warrant.
For what?
We received a call that you're harboring an illegal immigrant, named Cecilia Moreno.
You called to have the poor girl deported?
I didn't it wasn't How darrrrrre you, Señorrrrr Brrrrrown.
You rrrrratted out my rrrrrrr
-niece.
I swear, I did not.
Hey, how do you do that anyway?
La
-la
-la
-la
-la
-la
-la
-la.
Ah, forget it.
Junior.
I have to leave.
No, Cecilia.
We do.
Junior?
Donna, where'd Junior go?
Junior?
! Juniorrrrrr! All right, I got it! Hey, Cleveland.
You're welcome.
Lester, you called immigration?
Yeah, the redneck did it, plot twist of the century.
Oh, Lester.
Well, Junior always wanted to be abducted by an alien.
Junior! Thank God you're all right.
Oh, I'm better than all right.
I'm married.
So, now Cecilia can stay in the country.
With my husband.
So, son, quite a Latin bombshell you dropped last night.
Well, that's what's up.
Well, I'm not entirely convinced a 14
-year
-old boy can get married.
We live in Virginia, where as long as two dudes aren't trying to get married, anything goes.
Well, Cecilia's at our new apartment, so I gotta bounce.
Apartment?
! All right, end of insanity.
You are forbidden from ever seeing that girl again.
Cecilia is my wife.
And none of this would be happening if you hadn't sh*t your mouth off to Mr.
Krinklesac because you didn't believe a girl like Cecilia could find me worthwhile.
That's what hurts.
Have a nice life.
Thanks, man.
Wait a minute! Good luck, buddy.
Oh, man, she gonna get smushed.
Well, Larry, tonight's the night.
Can I be honest with you?
I'm scared.
I have no idea what's going to happen when Cecilia gets in this bed with me.
Oh, I wish I hadn't fallen asleep during Eyes Wide Shut.
Is there room on that futon for Mrs.
Cleveland Brown Jr.
?
Yeah.
Junior, you are shaking.
What's wrong?
This is my first sleepover.
With a girl?
No.
Ever.
Junior, what do you say tonight I just put on my sweatpants and make us a tray of brownies?
Yeah.
Combo cinco, extra queso.
Cuidado.
Plato caliente.
Ay, Dios mio.
Hey, Junior, there's a black couple at table six, so you know what that means.
No tip.
No, I'm kidding, it's your parents.
You were right the first time.
Dad, I said I don't want to talk to you and I meant it.
Now leave the balloons, which are awesome, and get out of here.
Son, I wanted to respect your wishes, but Cecilia called and asked us to bring you home.
Ha, ha, ha, Dad.
You're as funny as a piñata full of bees.
Ha.
You imagine them kids?
"Help! Help! There's bees! They're stinging our arms and such!" Who would do that to children?
Bad people.
I did call your parents, Junior.
Wha por qué, Cecilia?
Are you dumping me?
Ah, kids probably thought it was a piñata but it was a beehive.
Junior, you are far too sweet and too young to be married.
We are both too young.
So I'm ending it, and I may be sent away, but it's the right thing to do, and I'll always remember what you did for me.
Sorry, son.
None of us wants to see the girl in trouble, but she's right.
You're 14.
It's time for you to end this sham.
Sweet burritos and skeptical papacitos.
Ooh, I like her.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that my niece's feelings for Junior could be real?
Well, I I mean, she's.
And him mmm.
So you're really going to look at your own marriage and tell me that a beautiful woman can not be attracted to a portly lover?
Portly where it counts.
Junior is the kindest, gentlest soul I have ever known, next to my own father.
That explains a lot.
Good
-bye, Junior.
If things had been different if you had been a little older Wait.
Let's stay married.
You'll live with your aunt, I'll live with my parents.
And a few years from now, maybe we'll meet up again and fall in love for real.
Maybe not.
But you won't get deported unless you cross me.
Junior, you would do that for me?
Sure.
Lots of married couples don't sleep in the same bedroom.
Like the Clintons, or Elton and Olivia Newton John.
Thank you.
You're a true friend.
Dad, I think I want to have sex with my wife.
Junior, do you know what sex is?
Well, when two people love each other very much, they hug each other for a long time.
Yeah.
And then once she's good and warmed up, the man But that's only if you have one of those swings.
I need to live more.