(funky disco plays) My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Donna, you got to see what I did for the Super Bowl party! Put some deodorant on and come in here! Both arms.
Cleveland, what on earth is that?
V.
I.
P.
skybox.
I'm not sitting down here with you.
Oh, my God! Is that the Rapture?
No.
Rehearsal of the Blue Angel flyover.
They protect nothing.
You know, Cleveland, if you didn't spend all our money on your Super Bowl parties, maybe you could buy me a McMansion.
Like that new one across the street.
Mmm! Pillars.
Vulgar.
It's vulgar, Donna.
Do you want to be vulgar?
Look! Someone's trying to break into it! Donna, call the police.
No, man, you should do it.
You sound white on the phone.
They actually might come.
You sounded white on the phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That window.
Hey, can I hold the g*n?
Sure.
How do I look?
Badass.
Freeze, dirtbag! Choni?
Why are you trying to rob this house?
Cleveland, this is my house.
We just moved in, and I forgot my keys.
Your house?
B
-But there are more rooms than there are people.
Here we go! Uh, you two know each other?
Yeah.
the last time I saw this chump, he tried to have my niece deported.
That's a lie! My son is married to her niece.
Daddy! They put the gummy bears right on my frozen yogurt! How old is your son?
It was a whole green
-card, wedding
-fraud thing.
Well, then you're under arrest for I don't think so.
They're not even doing it.
Are you?
No, Daddy.
We're just friends.
Please don't sh**t the yogurt! Give me a gummy.
Say good
-b Cleveland, give the officer his g*n back! All right.
Cleveland, I see what's going on here.
I've dealt with your type my whole life.
Back in Fort Lauderdale, when I came out of the ocean, they accused me of sneaking into the country.
But I was just boogieboarding on an old door.
Probably wearing jeans.
And now you called the police because you saw a Latina going into a window and you automatically assumed I was a criminal! Look, Choni, it was dark.
I thought you were a male Latiño.
Why are you doing that with your "N"?
I don't kñow.
You think that's funny?
You think we talk funny?
Well, I'm not laughing, because I laugh when I want to laugh, and no one tells me when to laugh.
Ha
-ha
-ha
-ha
-ha! See?
That was my decision.
Okay.
I'll tell you what your problem is.
muy, muy, muy pequeño.
Es la verdad.
Es la verdad.
And now, in honor of Super Bowl XLVI, we've got a special message from our troops who are watching from Afghanistan.
Get us out of here! We lost! This was my 20s! Looks like we got the comedy troop.
Very funny, boys.
See you next year.
Where is everybody?
At Choni's.
Better party.
Oh.
Then why are you here?
There's a line at the bathroom there.
Clogged it.
Name.
Cleveland Brown.
Hmm.
I got a Cleveland Brown Junior.
Hi, Daddy! We're watching the game in high
-definition 3
-D.
Sorry about your table, Ms.
Choni.
Great party, by the way.
Thanks, Ben Roethlisberger.
Mm.
Quarterbacks get all the ladies.
Donna! Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
But Choni stole my Super Bowl party! Aw a Puerto Rican
-Mexican stole your little Super Bowl party?
Why don't you call the police?
I did steal your party to teach you a lesson for humiliating me.
Do not mess with this Latina, uh
-huh.
I got a bigger house than you.
I got a bigger party than you.
And now I got all of your friends.
You'll never take my friends! Anybody want to leave this party and go with Cleveland?
No.
No one does.
Viva Choni! Viva Choni! How does it feel to make losers feel worse about themselves?
Whatever puts braces on my kids' teeth.
You're a good dad.
I don't know why people like Choni's party better than mine.
All she had was a much bigger TV, better food, probably had that sweet rice milk drink
-
- what's that called again, Donna?
Horchata.
You know what I do when I don't know something, Donna?
I say "I don't know.
" But that's what it's called! Anyway, back to me.
I used to consider myself the mayor of Grace Street.
Guess I won't need this anymore.
Or be cutting any ceremonial ribbons with this.
And I have no use for this.
It's an actual prop from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, my favorite movie of all time.
But I don't need it now.
Cleveland, you and Choni just got off on the wrong foot.
Why don't you go over and make a peace offering?
I just baked some lemon squares.
Perfect! I'm running with these! I'm running with these! Little help?
Choni, I brought you a lemon
-scented pan.
Which is a traditional American way of saying sorry.
And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I won't make a big deal out of the fact that your Chihuahua bit me.
Okay, first, we don't have a Chihuahua.
We have two Weimaraners.
And second, that's not a Chihuahua, that's a rat.
Aah! Rabies! Tetanus! Rat AIDS! Aah! Oh! Bleeding pretty bad.
You don't have a bandage or tortilla, do you?
I'll take corn, but I prefer flour.
You know what you are, Cleveland?
You're rrrracist.
You tried to get my niece deported, you called the cops on me, you assume I own a Chihuahua and have tortillas for bandages.
You're r*cist.
Oh, Choni, black people can't be r*cist.
Listen to you, talking nonsense like some oily Polynesian.
You think you could get away with it because you think you're so likable.
Well, I'm not falling for your happy moustache face.
I say to Cleveland, go! Oh Principal Farquhar, I'd like you to meet a new student, my wife Cecilia.
Pregnancy or green card?
Green card.
We're just friends.
Papers.
Hmm.
Checks out.
Congratulations on your sexless marriage, Junior.
And you on your sexless life, sir.
Thank you.
Carry on.
Is he the coolest?
So, friend, Valentine's Day is coming up.
Is there a girl around here that you're interested in?
Oh, me?
Well, I kind of like to play the field.
You know, keep my options open.
'Sup, Marissa?
Die, fatty.
She's fun.
What about you?
Well, there is someone from my science class.
I know Tyler.
Nice guy.
Good water
-fountain etiquette.
Doesn't put his mouth on it like some of these spout
-suckers.
Why don't you ask him out?
I don't think I can just walk up to him and ask him out.
Where I'm from, women just wait around until a man kicks down our straw door and trades our virginity for a donkey.
Really?
! No, I'm just shy.
Well, then I'll talk you up to him.
What kind of husband would I be if I didn't find a man for you on Valentine's Day?
You would do that for me?
Oh, Junior, that would be so Sorry, one second.
Yo, Chief! No lollipopping the mouthpiece! And on top of stealing my Super Bowl party, she had the ca
-chonis to call me r*cist toward Latinos.
If you're a r*cist, then you're the best
-looking r*cist in town.
I haven't had time to get to the gym! I can't be r*cist
-
- I voted for Pedro! Fresh.
Well, you did petition the City Council to build a ten
-foot wall around the Taco Bell.
They were stealing jobs from the Arby's! And you walked out of La Bamba.
I thought I was seeing L.
A.
Bambi, where Bambi moves to Hollywood and becomes a movie star's butler.
Not to pile it on, Cleveland, but you never listened to that Enrique Iglesias CD I b*rned for you.
Yes, but in my defense, all Latino music is loud and horrible.
It's not so much that you're r*cist, you're what I like to call "Arizona ignorant.
" Hey, at least it's a dry ignorance.
Uh, maybe I am ignorant.
I need to go talk to Choni.
Uh
-uh! Fool me once.
Choni, you're right.
I have been insensitive to your culture, but that's because I don't know any better.
"Ju" don't know anything.
Don't you call me a Jew! Oh, sensitive, right.
My point is, I want to learn more about your people, like your cultural values, and why, sometimes, you throw English words in there while you're speaking Spanish, like you're all, "Wocka wocka chocka chocka Facebook, wocka chocka blocka wocka chocka nocka Winklevoss twins.
" Look, Aunt Choni! The dog's teaching me how to dance.
Hey, Lupo, I'm not paying you to merengue.
Get back to the grill.
Well, I suppose if I can teach a dog to cook, and that dog can teach a boy to dance, I can teach you about Latino culture.
You know tacos and vatos and cholos and gringos I know uno and dos and tres, cuatro, and cinco But are you aware of the beauty Latinos can share?
Where are we?
The old mission where Spanish priests first established Saint Oolbend.
Oh.
This whole town is a Mexican! And that's not all, Cleveland.
We truly embody the American dream We work on every court from the food to the Supreme We've got Cesar Chavez and Oscar De La Hoya Had an accidente?
We'll get you a lawyer! We brought mariachi music from Guadalajara And spicy hot dishes Like Sofia Vergara! Now you're getting it! Have a taste of our culture like a juicy papaya At the northern
-most pyramid built by the Maya.
I always thought this was the Q
-Bert Museum.
At the Latino museum, you can learn our rich past We're so much more than a mouse who runs fast We value friendship and family and for some reason, Morrissey And God help us all when they become the majority.
Lester! No bueno! So now you're starting to see things our way We're more than just chips and guacamol
-ay I've learned a lot and I'm happy to say I love L.
A.
T
-I
-N
-O
-S! Order's up.
I don't know what you said to Tyler, but he asked me out for Valentine's Day.
Gracias, my sweet husbundo rotundo.
Oh, there he is.
Better go say hello to my date.
Did you just set your wife up on a date?
You kinky son of a bitch.
No, no.
I'm just glad I could make her happy.
Look at them.
Isn't that Nice.
Isn't.
That.
Nice.
Hey, slick.
Talk to you for a minute?
Oh, hey, Junior.
Man, thanks for hooking me up with Cecilia.
She's great.
I know, I know, she is great.
That's why I married her.
Hey, Junior, that kind of hurts.
Yeah, turns out you know what else hurts?
Watching your wife kiss some huckleberry in a jean jacket.
Whoa! Junior, I don't understand.
You're the one that told me to take her out.
And now I'm telling you that you might not want to show up.
You know, Tyler, yearbook photos are coming up.
Shame if something happened to this pretty face of yours.
Real shame.
Ooh, the Bookmobile's coming! I'm gonna get me a sticker with an apple on it and a worm in a professor's hat! Esteban.
Mi amor! Besame.
No, Esteban.
La bruja! Hola, Esteban, mi hijo.
Mama?
! Esteban! ¿La bruja es tu mama?
¿Cuando es Viernes?
Ahhhh! Oh, you're watching Esteban y Los Amores de Esteban.
Don't spoil anything.
I'm only 119 episodes in.
I thought we were reading Don Quixote, but it's a start.
I don't want to read a book about a donkey.
I'll pin a tail on one, but I'm not gonna get into reading.
Cleveland, this is my son, Marco.
My babysitter just canceled, and Donna said you might be able to keep an eye on him.
Wait a minute.
A Mexican is asking me to watch their kid?
Is what the old me would've said.
It'll be an honor to watch him.
You sure it's no problem?
Take all the time you want.
Marco and I will go hit the town.
As soon as we wash our hands.
See?
Good babysitter.
We're not gonna wash our hands.
Cool babysitter.
Look at him.
Fell asleep in the car.
Which is amazing because he's had eight cokes.
He's probably gonna pee the bed.
Cleveland, that is not my son! Say, huh?
You brought me the wrong Mexican kid! Do you think we all look alike, you idiot?
! Or maybe I'm the idiot for thinking a r*cist like you could ever change! You forgot your son! Oh.
Good thing we all have one of these.
Okay, think, Cleveland.
What did you do today?
Retrace your steps.
I know.
We went somewhere Spanish.
Oh, you're impossible! I'm finding my son! No, I'm coming with.
There he is! Hey, Cecilia! I thought you were supposed to be out with Tyler.
He didn't show.
I'm just going to sit here with the only people who seem to like me
-
- me, myself and yo.
Excuse me, I'm notable African
- American poet Maya Angelou.
Are you going to finish that corn dog?
Well, this was the first place I brought him.
We watched that film about the history of the woven blanket, Still Scratchy After All These Años.
Well, he's not here.
I know.
Should we keep looking or should we give up?
Testing you.
You're a good mother.
We keep looking.
Siempre solo! Cecilia! Oh, goodness, Junior.
Did you hear that whole song?
No, I came at the end, but I think I get it.
And that's why I'm here.
I brought something for you.
Chocolates?
What?
Oh, these?
These are mine! I brought you something else.
Tyler?
Junior, what's going on?
I think I must have accidentally told Tyler to go to the wrong food court.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Right.
Oh, Junior, you're the sweetest boy.
You're also sweet.
Just give me a second.
I'm gonna go freshen up in the lake.
Hey, man, I appreciate what you did just now because Listen to me! Oh, God.
I'm your god.
You're gonna make her happy but not too happy.
Capisce?
Remember, you're a good boy.
You know what I mean by "good boy"?
- Got it.
- I'm ready.
Bye, Junior.
Good
-bye Tyler Hudson, of 431 West 16th Street, Apartment 4C, whose mother, Gloria, gets home from work at 5:20 and hides a key under the left potted plant on the front porch, and whose little brother is allergic to peanuts! Bye! Well, he wasn't at the Hispanic Poetry Celebration.
There once was a man from Oaxaca.
Who sure could play a maraca.
But his wife wasn't happy, 'cause he gave her the clappy.
And now he cries when he pees.
And he wasn't at the Ballet Folklorico.
Guess we'd better check the Celebracion de la Cultura Latina y Desfile del Orgullo.
Oh, who am I kidding, Cleveland?
He's not going to be there.
I think I know where he went.
A chicken auction?
! Why do you think Marco would be here?
Because Marco likes chicken auctions.
But it's not like we come here all the time or anything like that.
Hey, Choni! Choni! Para bailar, it's Choni Para bailar, it's Choni She's back again Quiet!! We've got to find Marco! Marco?
Marco?
Pollo! Pollo! Marco! Where have you been?
What happened?
Well, when we were at that boring museum, I went to the bathroom Baño.
I came out and followed another man I thought was Mr.
Cleveland to his car.
You know how you're always saying that black people all look alike Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now who's the r*cist, huh?
Tu es! Cleveland, I don't care what color you are.
I just don't like you.
You know what?
I don't like you either.
And it's not because you're Mexican.
It's partially because you're a woman, but it's mainly because you won't cut me any slack.
Yes, I was ignorant about your culture, but I am not a r*cist.
Maybe I've been too hard on you.
Maybe you're not a r*cist d*ck.
Maybe you're just a d*ck.
Thank you.
So I guess I'm the mayor of Grace Street after all! My oversized props, please.
Ahh! Somebody call a giant doctor!