02x20 - The Criss Cross Conspiracy!

[bunniefuu]

Surrender, you diminutive fools.

I have more soldiers than you can shake a fist at.

- I thought you said help was on the way.

- It is.

We just need to hold off Bug-Eyed Bandit a little longer.

Unh! I hope you called the most intelligent, quick-witted hero you could find.

- Sorry I'm late, old chums.

- We're doomed.

Hello?

[BATMAN & ATOM GRUNTING]

What in the name of Poseidon?

I hear voices.

Wee little voices.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Outrageous.

Aquaman, the molecular density unit on my bio-belt has been destroyed trapping us in a microscopic - You're so cute.

I could just put you in my pocket and keep you there forever.

BOTH: Focus! Yes.

Focus.

Right.

Now, you were saying.

You know that doohickey that lets me get big and small?

It's broken.

And if you don't help us, Batman and I will be ant food.

Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place, man?

I'm on it.

Go while I hold off the Big-Eyed Bandit and his robotic ants.

Unh! [LAUGHS]

That tickles.

The chamber behind you contains the remains of a white dwarf star the original source of my bio-belt's power.

Remove it gently.

Follow me, my friends.

I found you a much bigger picnic.

[BATMAN GRUNTING]

Now, place the fragment into the spectrophotometer.

- What?

- Uh, that thing that looks like a toaster.

Ah.

Yes.

The toaster.

What's wrong?

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

Ye, gods! I'm on fire.

[YELLING]

- Aquaman, concentrate.

- I am trying to.

[GRUNTS]

BUG-EYED BANDIT: Huh?

You have not seen the last of me, tiny titan.

- Good job, Aquaman.

- Yes, yes, professor.

Got any bug spray?

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[WHIRRING THEN CROWD GASPS]

[CROWD GASPS]

Sorry I'm late, folks, but my invitation must've gotten lost in the mail.

And on behalf of all my talented colleagues in the field of brainteasers and word games I'd like to say it's been an honor not to be nominated.

[ALL SCREAMING]

BATMAN: You don't deserve that award, Riddler.

Says you.

Unh! [BOTH GRUNT]

Boys, I can't believe you started this shindig without me.

Holy pulchritude.

I didn't know you called her.

I didn't.

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[CROWD YELLING]

Who is that masked woman?

I like her style.

- Unh! - Your methods are unacceptable.

Crime-fighting's no place for thrill-seekers, Katrina.

How do you know who I am?

Katrina Moldoff, world-class athlete and acrobat famous heiress to the Moldoff Circus fortune.

It wasn't that hard to figure out.

Crime-fighter ethics prevent me from exposing your secret identity.

But if you continue to endanger innocents I will shut you down.

What's the matter, darling?

Threatened by a little competition?

[KATRINA GRUNTS]

MAN: Whoa! Look out! [GRUNTS]

Wow, cool.

You know, for a girl.

What's wrong, Riddler?

Little too rough for you?

Riddle me this: Why are you like a bride on her wedding day?

Answer: Because you're about to be unveiled.

[ALL GASP]

Hey, look.

It's that famous heiress.

Katrina Moldoff.

Hey, Katrina.

Over here.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

That was a dirty trick, Riddler, even for you.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

REPORTER: How does it feel to be exposed?

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Gosh, looks like that's the end of her superhero career.

I feel kind of bad for her, don't you, Batman?

Actions have consequences, Robin.

Katrina was endangering herself as well as others.

Maybe this is for the best.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

[ALARM RINGING]

No one stops the Spinner.

Is it just me or is everything starting to spin?

It's just you.

Got a new girl, I see.

Your ego could never handle a real woman, could it, darling?

Always your city, your rules.

Why would you care when the courts outlawed me from ever being in costume again.

Take me home.

MAN: Following an escape tonight from Blackgate Prison police have issued an all-points bulletin for the Riddler who is considered to be armed and dangerous.

Perhaps it's finally time for a little payback.

[RINGS]

Felix Faust, at your service.

How may I assist you Oh, no, no.

Let me guess.

A potion perhaps to heal a broken heart?

Do I look like a lovesick teenager to you, Mr.

Faust?

Hmm.

Then that must mean you're here looking for revenge.

More like satisfaction.

Oh.

Well, that requires a much darker magic.

Quite dangerous in the hands of the inexperienced.

Trust me.

I can handle it.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[PHONE RINGS]

- Batman speaking.

- Batman, it's Katrina.

I need your help.

- My life, it's all falling apart.

- This isn't a good time.

Please.

You don't understand.

I'm desperate.

I don't know where else to turn.

[ALL GRUNT]

Okay, I'll be right there.

KATRINA: Thank you for coming, Batman.

We may have had our differences, Katrina, but I'm still a concerned friend.

And I thought all my friends left me years ago.

It's shocking how life can change in an instant, isn't it?

How I'm forced to live as a recluse while others go on as if nothing happened.

Society would have never treated a man, treated you, Batman the way it treated me.

Actions have consequences, Katrina.

We live with our choices.

Still, there's time to make things right.

Oh, darling.

I intend to.

You know, before you got here I almost made the biggest mistake of my life.

I almost didn't go through with this.

[CHANTING IN ANCIENT TONGUE]

What are you?

Aah! [CHANTING IN ANCIENT TONGUE]

Katrina, what have you done?

I'm you?

And you're me?

- What could you possibly hope to gain?

- Oh, please.

I have a list.

Freedom, for one thing.

No longer will I have to hide in the shadows.

Then there's my personal favorite: Retribution.

The Riddler will finally get what he deserves and Batman will take all the blame.

Not if I have anything to say about it.

[GRUNTS]

Batman would never hit a defenseless woman.

Funny.

I don't have that problem.

Where are the stupid keys?

BATMOBILE: Voice authorization required.

Um Batman.

Destination required.

Wherever it is I dwell, of course.

[GROANS]

So it wasn't a dream.

[GRUNTING]

Clearly, my new center of gravity is much higher.

[GASPS]

NIGHTWING: Where have you been?

We were supposed to meet here over two hours ago.

Darling, I don't have to answer to you.

I'm Batman.

- Did he just call you "darling?

" - What are you waiting for, an invitation?

The Riddler's escaped and we're going to find him.

This time, that freak's looking at 20 years behind bars.

I have a much worse fate in mind.

- Life in solitary?

- Try no life at all.

Um, you lost me.

[SIGHS]

Why am I not surprised?

We're going to extinguish Riddler and do you know why?

Because I hate him, hate him, hate him.

Uh By that I mean, he's a menace that must be terminated once and for all.

Listen, Batman, I'd love to get rid of the Riddler as much as you but we don't actually do that.

- We do now.

Get to work.

Set up a surveillance grid and track down his last known location.

Once more thing: Nightwing, Nightwing.

Tell me something and I need the absolute truth.

Do I look fat in this outfit?

[GRUNTING]

I've gotta find something else to wear.

This get-up is going to make me a prime police target but I don't exactly have a choice.

Whoa! Unh! Felix Faust, recently paroled from Blackgate.

So that's how she pulled off the big swap.

Well, look who's back so soon.

I thought you were the type who liked to play dress-up.

Now, no need to be shy.

I knew you felt the same connection I did.

Ugh.

When I was here before, you gave me What was it called again?

Well, it was a transmogrification spell.

Why?

Was there a problem?

- It didn't work.

- Ah.

Just as well.

Why anyone with your body would want another one is beyond me.

I need a replacement.

Now.

This is why I never leave magic to amateurs.

As you wish, my dear.

But this time, I insist on coming along to perform it myself.

- That's not necessary - Ah, bup, bup.

It's my pleasure.

[SIREN WAILING]

- What is up with him?

- Beats me.

Look at this.

Police have spotted Katrina Moldoff donning her old costume.

The bat lady's back?

Ah.

This could ruin everything.

Nightwing.

Batgirl.

Find that pest and turn her over to the cops.

I mean, the proper authorities.

But what about the Riddler?

Don't ask questions, you ridiculous creature.

Go! I'll handle the Riddler myself.

Permanently.

- Quick.

Follow me.

- Ooh.

A fugitive, are we?

BOTH: Huh?

[OFFICERS GRUNTING]

OFFICER: Hey, what's going on?

BATGIRL: There she is.

And she's working with that ex-con, Felix Faust.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, Gotham City, what will the mayor say after I clean out every last bank account in town?

Answer: It all makes "cents.

" Ha, ha! Hands up, Riddler.

Riddle me this, riddle me that.

Who's afraid of the big black bat?

Nice entrance, Batman.

Just in time to ruin my little raid on Gotham City's financial institutions.

But just so we're clear, there's not a prison in the world that can hold me.

Oh, I have no intention of sending you back to prison.

Really?

Don't tell me the Caped Crusader wants to make a deal.

Let's make a game out of it, shall we?

You love those.

How do you keep the Riddler from ruining your Saturday night?

k*ll him on a Friday.

Better get yourself a new writer.

Everybody knows Batman doesn't k*ll people.

Even people who deserve it.

Only one problem.

I'm not Batman.

- I'm Katrina Moldoff.

- Huh?

- Where did she go?

- Right behind you.

- Lf it isn't the bat lady herself.

- Actually, it isn't.

I'm Batman.

Right, and I'm the Joker.

Nice to meet you.

Katrina used black magic to swap bodies.

She's in mine.

I'm in hers.

- Oh, please.

- Batman was acting really weird.

He even asked me about my shampoo.

If you are Batman, tell me something only he would know.

Your favorite color is blue, you used to sleep with a nightlight and you're deathly afraid of monkeys.

- It's him.

Glad you agree.

Now, I need your help.

We must escape this dragnet and find Katrina to reverse the spell.

He's I mean, she's going after the Riddler.

Then there's no time to waste.

Come on.

- Monkeys?

- Shut up.

I've waited so long for this.

[GROANING]

RIDDLER: Sleep tight, won't you?

I'm the one who usually hands out the clever riddles but it appears you've given me a much more interesting one instead.

When is Batman not Batman?

And do you know what the answer is?

Who cares?

I'll either be getting rid of the real Batman, or getting rid of Batman's body and Katrina's smug personality at the same time.

I call that a win-win.

Sorry, Riddler, but I'm kind of attached to that anatomy.

Hope you like it hardboiled.

[HENCHMEN GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

I love a woman with a good left hook.

It was a right jab.

Start the spell.

But why are we helping his little sidekicks when we could let Batman die?

Just do it.

Please?

[HENCHMEN GRUNTING]

[CHANTING IN ANCIENT TONGUE]

[GRUNTS]

Batgirl, take care of Faust.

We need that incantation.

Magic time, criminal scum.

[CHANTING IN ANCIENT TONGUE]

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

[HENCHMEN GRUNT]

- You have grown up quite nicely.

- Really?

- Unh! - Lights out, Riddler.

There's no room in this business for revenge, Katrina.

An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.

That's easy to say when you're surrounded by people you trust.

You can have the exact same thing and we'll be here to help after you've paid your debt to society.

I'm sorry, Katrina.

Don't worry about me, darling.

I'll get by.

Ah.

She was something else.

I'm sure gonna miss Katrina.

You do know, Faust, that was me in her body.

Well, nobody's perfect.