02x35 - May 4, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- ask not what your country can do for brad sherwood, ich bin ein wayne brady, I am not a crook colin mochrie, and I did not have an affair with that ryan stiles, and I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, all right.

Welcome.

Hello, everybody.

Nice to have you here.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

", The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Points are like the pictures of food on the denny's menu.

Just don't mean a thing.

If you never saw the show before, what happens is the performers come up here and make stuff up.

Then I award points after every game.

It's just a gag to hold the show together.

Then at the end of the show we pick a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something special with me.

Don't be nervous.

It'll be over before you know it.

Let's get things started with a game called "weird newscasters.

" This is for everybody.

Brad, you're going to be the anchorman, and, brad, your coanchor is colin.

Colin is the world's most tactless man.

Oh, I'm sorry, and you're the world's most tactless man.

Wayne come on, drew.

You're doing the sports, and you are rupaul, baby.

All right -- rupaul.

They finally found you out.

And, ryan, you're doing the weather.

You have uncontrollable -- it says "hots" here.

You have uncontrollable attraction start the news.

[ Trumpet blares ]

Hello, and welcome to the 6:00 news.

I'm chester moistmuffins.

Our top story tonight -- rumors are speculating that madeleine albright is actually a monkey.

When asked to comment, she shimmied up a tree and flung poo at the press.

And now with the local news, here's lionel hotbiscuits.

Lionel.

There was a big accident.

Some people got decapitated.

Here are their names.

You know what?

That shirt really makes you look fat.

I mean, the color's all wrong.

I mean, who sh*t the drapes?

Thanks for that scintillating report.

And now let's find out about the sports desk.

Let's go over to sizzling baconpan.

Sizzling.

Y'all children, quiet down now.

There's a whole lot of rupaul to go around for everybody.

No, no, no, no, no, children, it's true.

Football players -- oh, my goodness.

You better work.

Whoo.

Ooh, you cute, but that shirt has got to go, okay?

Hey, you got a booger.

Brad: thank you -- thank you for that -- thank you for that scintillating sports report.

Tonight's sports report was sponsored by "the crying game.

" And now let's go over to the weather.

Please welcome, with the weather, flaky croissant.

Thank you very much.

We've got a lot of sun coming in.

It should make things -- make things really hot really, really hot.

Course that's only till the -- the rain moves in on wednesday, and then things are going to get wet.

Yeah.

Things will get wet until thursday.

Thursday and then of course friday is that my reflection in the camera?

Hello, you.

Towards the end of the week, we're -- who is that?

Come here, you.

This just in -- I'm in love with the weatherman.

Thanks for that scintillating report.

Stayed tuned for the 6:05 news.

Fly's open.

Right here.

Get a close-up on this.

[ Buzzer ]

That was the scariest-looking man, that was great.

You know, if I had a nickel every time rupaul ran by me picking a booger out of his nose, I'd have a lot of money.

Let's go on to a game called "film dub," and this is for ryan, colin, and brad.

"Film dub.

" And what we're going to do is we're going to show them a little piece of film here, and they have to make up their own words to the film.

This is a fun game.

You can play at home if you're watching "friends" or any other stupid thursday night show on nbc.

And the scene is "planning a 5-year-old's birthday party.

" Ryan: you got to get me a party clown.

Brad: I'll get it, I'll get it.

I want one with big feet and a big red nose.

I need it now! That's more money, don't you understand?

I don't care.

I'm pulling my hair out over this.

I'm calling clowns 'r' us.

Colin: hi.

Clowns 'r' us.

What can I do?

I need a clown pronto.

A big clown or a little clown?

We have clowns of all sizes.

Sizes, I tell you, sizes.

Just send me a nice assortment of clowns.

I want big clowns -- there, it's done.

It's all done.

Ask him if he's got a pony.

That's right, a big red pony.

I want a pony.

Pull my finger.

Pull my finger.

I dare you.

Come on.

What are you, chicken?

You want to have fun or not?

This is going to be no party at all.

I'm not pulling your finger and I'm not calling a pony.

I just called you a clown.

Why you you're going to make one kid very unhappy, my friend.

I thought that was a toupee.

Sorry.

That was great.

I'll give you 1,000 points each for the phony accent.

[ Mumbles nonsense ]

Let's go on to a game called "questionable impressions.

" Brad and wayne, you're going to start a scene, but in addition to speaking only in questions, you also have to do a different impression every time you come on.

What I need from the audience is a place where there's a sense of urgency.

[ Audience shouts ]

Freeway.

Brad: [ stutters ]

Drew: so, "questionable impressions.

" You're on a freeway.

Whenever you're ready, you got to do impressions.

I hope they're good.

Man, I can't wait for this one.

Go ahead.

Brad: [ as jimmy stewart ]

W-w-would you let me get into your lane?

[ As deputy on "gunsmoke" ]

Marshal dillon?

Marshal dillon, what did you say?

What are you, deaf -- d-d-deaf?

You aiming for a sh**t'?

Can't you see that me and my invisible bunny want to get o-over?

Whoo-wee.

[ Buzzer ]

[ As charles nelson reilly ]

Do you know which way it is to pomona?

Are -- a-aren't you on your way to lidsville?

[ Buzzer ]

[ As floyd lawson on "the andy griffith show" ]

Ooh, ooh, andy, can I get over in your lane?

Drew: oh, man.

Brad: who are you, magilla gorilla?

Ooh, don't you recognize floyd?

Watch the show.

[ Makes crash noise ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ As peter lorre ]

Can you please pull over?

Ooh, ooh, would you like to cut?

Do you know how fast you were going?

No.

[ Buzzer ]

[ As elvis presley ]

Was I speeding, officer?

Can't you see the speed limit there?

Are you a -- are you a real cop or are you one of them fake security cops?

Do you want to see my badge?

[ Buzzer ]

[ As cowardly lion from "the wizard of oz" ]

Do you know the way to pomona?

Can't you do anyone from the last 10 years?

[ Buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Right after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

", The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Yep, we're just like the cleveland browns.

Points don't matter 'cause it's a rebuilding season.

Let's go on to a game called "narrate" for colin and ryan.

They're going to act out a film noir scene, narrate in the style of music we've selected for them.

What we'd like from the audience -- unlikely place for a film noir scene.

[ Audience shouts ]

Barber shop.

You're acting out a film noir scene set at a barber shop.

Whenever you're ready.

He fit the description of the man I was looking for -- 6'5" -- 4'2" naked.

Well, when he was naked, he stood like this.

I was going to go undercover.

I was going to try and look like I needed a haircut.

Hi, I'd like a little less off the top.

Why don't you sit down in the chair right over there?

Oh, I knew who he was and I knew he wasn't here for a haircut, and even if he was, it wasn't going to take long.

Say, you look like you could use a shave as well.

As he cut my artery, I felt something was wrong.

Lucky, using my telekinesis, I could make my blood clot until I could finish my job.

It didn't quite work, did it, reggie?

Sorry about that.

I've been chasing you over five continents and two boroughs.

I'm taking you back to switzerland.

All right.

I knew he was taking me.

I knew there was no way out unless I did something drastic.

Say, before we go, how about a sh*t of the green stuff I keep the combs in?

He didn't know I'd been drinking the stuff since I was 3.

Didn't bother me at all, but I knew he had loose lips.

That really has no relevance to what's going on now, but I notice things.

There's a woman waiting for you in switzerland, my friend.

She wants her money back.

Well, let's go then.

After you.

But before we do, you really do need a shave.

Why don't you sit in the chair?

All right.

Oh, he was going to switzerland, but he wasn't going by plane he wasn't going by train.

[ Buzzer ]

That was fantastic.

1,000 Points apiece.

Uh, and remember -- what?

Okay, 2,000.

Let's go on to a game called "greatest hits.

" This is for all of you with laura hall and linda taylor.

I love you guys.

Colin and ryan are announcer guys trying to sell a compilation album.

Wayne and brad are going to sing the songs ryan and colin make up for them.

What I need from the audience is something you look for in the yellow pages.

Plumber.

Let's hear the album -- about the album "songs of the plumber.

" Hi.

We'll be back to the friar's club roast of nelson mandela in just a second, but first, have we got something for you.

You know, if you've got drains and pipes, you've probably had a plumber over at one time or not in your life, and we've assembled over six of the greatest songs -- that's right, six songs on three cds.

I can see you out of the corner of my eye! I'm sorry.

You just explain things too long.

Six songs, three cds.

Was that so hard?

Go ahead.

One of the great bands of yore, of course, is the rolling stones, who are now actually as old as most stones on earth.

And one of their greatest plumber-related songs is, of course, that great song that -- I'm not stalling.

I'm going to tell you what it is.

The name of that song is "sympathy for the roto-rooter.

" 1, 2! Yeah, baby! Oh oh ohh what do you do?

What's your job?

You've got a sink, and you know it's clogged it's the roto-rooter and he has a very hard job yeah well, you know he's a real bad sh**t we're talkin' 'bout that roto-rooter get on your little motor scooter and give a shout to the roto-rooter baby sympathy roto-rooter, baby sympathy for the roto-rooter roto-rooter, baby ooh whoo! Sympathy hey! Well, let me go on and talk too much about some of the other songs that are on this cd set.

There's a lot of songs from this country, but we also have some international hits as well, including one that was on the charts in germany for 43 weeks.

We're talking about that number-one hit, that german drinking song "heuzenklagen?

" "Heuzenklagen?

" [ Who's uncloggin'?

]

"Heuzenklagen?

" Brad: [ yodels ]

Ja ja, ja, plugen ze drain heu da, who can explain?

Uh-huh, because I'm tuggin' das unten vanz und heunten unpluggin' the drain is so clogged and why?

It's not fair it's clogged, it is clogged with all of mein hair I do not understand I'm going on a toboggan dum chikaballa wumbuka und mein enklagen you know, we have more songs on this cd than you can possibly count.

Well, that's not true, but it sounded good, didn't it?

I said earlier there's only six, but you just kept on talking.

What happened to you?

Anyway, we have six songs, and we're getting close to the end of them right now.

And one of the best songs on this album -- it'll get your feet a-tappin' and your nose a-twitchin' and other body parts doing various things -- that great '90s r&b hit "you can't flush me away.

" Well, you'll never, never get rid of me no one push, push you'll never get me to the toilet so you can flush I'll never, never leave you 'cause you've got par of my soul I'm gonna make love to you, girl as I'm goin' down the bowl baby, baby, listen to what I say better listen you ain't never gonna flush my love away no, no I swirl around any which way you please baby, grab your toilet paper 'cause I'm beggin' on my knees you'll never, never flush my love away there, baby never gonna flush my love away no little toilet bowl makin' you'll never, never flush my love away ay-yeah ow [ buzzer ]

We'll be right back, find out who the winner is.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winners are ryan and colin.

Ryan and colin are the winners.

90 Seconds, we have to do a scene for you.

Every new sentence we start, the first word has to start with the next letter of the alphabet.

Starting with what letter?

"X.

" Starting with "x," what's our scene?

You're three roommates watching the lottery numbers come on tv.

Go! Colin: "x" marks the spot.

One more and I've won.

Yeah, come on, "x.

" Come on.

Zippity doo-dah, we're going to be rich! And how.

I'm going to buy a big boat and a car.

Barry, calm down.

Remember your heart.

Cars won't make you happy, barry.

Don't you see how desperate I am?

I can't go on like this.

Eric -- I mean, barry, listen.

You've got to calm down! Getting yourself into a state is not going to help anything.

Forget about him, joel.

He's too far gone.

Gary, you don't know what you're talking about.

I have bills to pay.

I have things to do.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

I think we should just keep a clear head, bill and barty -- or barry and joel.

Jeepers, can't you remember our names?

Kicking and screaming and punching is going to get us nowhere.

Man, I'm sorry.

No, I think if we win, we should donate all the money to charity.

Oh, yeah, that's your plan, isn't it?

You want to give it to your stupid charity.

Perhaps we can pretend.

Quit acting like you're not as greedy as I am.

Really?

You're just as greedy as the rest of us?

Why don't you admit it?

Sure, I just did.

That's right, he did.

I heard him.

I listened.

Usually I would have heard it, but I had something in my ears -- the winning numbers.

Va va va voom! Wow! Xerox copies.

Quick! Let's make xerox copies.

[ Buzzer ]

We'll be back with more "whose line" after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" We're going to end the show tonight with wayne and ryan reading the credits for you like two angry drivers stuck in traffic.

Good night, everybody.

We'll see you next time.

Dan pat-- dan patterson! Will you get your mark leveson out of my way?

Oh, yeah?

Hey, I'm going to kick your eric wilker.

Oh, yeah?

Whoa! My alison! Oh!