02x37 - May 11, 2000

[bunniefuu]

" On tonight's show, the colonel's secret recipe -- brad sherwood.

The home of the whopper -- wayne brady.

Did someone say colin mochrie?

And here, tall guy, tall guy, tall guy -- ryan stiles.

I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

", The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, like the swiss army.

They don't mean a thing.

Let's start with a game called "film, tv, and theater styles.

" They're going to act out a scene for you and adapt different styles of television, theater, or film that you're going to suggest.

I need some of your favorite styles of film, theater, or television.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

"Xena," performance artists, we got slapstick.

A high school play.

That's good.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Mime.

After-school special.

That's good.

You guys are going to start out normally -- ha ha ha -- and I'll come up with these styles after you get started.

Ryan and wayne are two lumberjacks clearing a forest to make way for a new freeway.

They're confronted by a protester -- colin -- who has chained himself to a tree.

Go ahead and start.

[ Imitates saw ]

Timber! Yeah, that one's down.

Save the trees! [ Imitates saw ]

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[ Buzzer ]

Drew: high school play.

Why?

The trees are our friends, whether they be deciduous or conifer.

[ Buzzer ]

Uh, "xena.

" [ Yelling battle cry ]

[ Imitates fighting ]

Oh! [ Buzzer ]

Ha ha ha! After-school special.

Dude, I've been sh*t.

You know why, man?

You're hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Colin: hey! People don't k*ll people.

Trees k*ll people.

Look, I don't need you to lecture me.

I know he has a g*n, but I still love him.

[ Buzzer ]

Mime.

[ Buzzer ]

Uh, performance art.

Bong! The tree.

Bong! The tree that grows must be cut.

When the new tree is cut, other seeds will be planted, and new trees will grow.

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

Man.

That brought a tear to my eye.

I'll give you 1,000 points apiece.

Okay, we're going to continue on with a game called "film dub.

" We're going to show them a clip of a movie.

We've removed the sound, so it's like watching tv with the sound down.

They have to supply the words, and the scene is waiting for the call to action.

Waiting for the call to action.

Brad: I can't wait till they finish building this outhouse.

Ryan: I tell you, this is the best w*r I've ever been involved in -- potatoes.

Oh, look.

Hey, something's wrong with my legs.

You don't tell him his legs are gone.

We'll keep it to ourselves, understand?

Hope he can't hear me.

Colin: look, I've got something to replace the leg.

Wow, great idea, phillips.

That would be great! Have you guys seen my shoes?

Look what I've got -- a leg.

And if you get hungry, you can have a bit.

Why don't we all have a bit?

You try this piece.

I don't want any.

Whatever you do, don't give me any, 'cause I just like it -- no, here, have some toes.

Oh, all right.

Mmm, tastes like me! Mmm.

Hey, what's in there?

Ahh.

We're going to make his other leg out of this.

[ Buzzer ]

Cannibalism -- nothing brings a smile to america's face like cannibalism.

Okay, let's go on to a game called "quick change.

" Brad, ryan, and colin are going to act out a scene, but whenever wayne interrupts by saying "change," they have to change what they just said.

The scene is ryan is the president, who is meeting with brad, an army general, in a crisis situation.

Colin is the president's girlfriend?

Wife who comes in.

Ha ha ha.

Go ahead and take it away.

I've drawn up some plans, mr.

President.

This is the main theater of w*r.

Wayne: change.

Look.

I've drawn a picture on a place mat.

It's you in a canoe.

Change.

How about this photograph of me with the teletubbies?

Change.

I've laminated a picture of a postage stamp -- what you might look like when you're old and dead.

I don't really think you're much of an advisor.

I was thinking of hiring someone else.

I'm a general.

You can't kick me out of here.

What I need is a strategist.

Change.

What I need is a masseuse.

Change.

What I need is gary coleman.

Honey, what's happening?

I heard the ruckus all the way -- wayne: change.

Colin: what's going on?

Honey, I'm sorry.

We didn't mean to wake you.

That's all right.

I was in the lincoln bedroom just writing a book.

Change.

I was in the lincoln bedroom -- change.

I was outside pruning.

I could hear you all the way from the garden.

Mr.

President, I know you want to meet a child television star from the '70s, but we have to get back to this battle plan.

I can't tell this plan to the american people.

Why not?

Well, it's full of flaws.

Look at this.

This army is attacking hawaii.

Change.

The salvation army is attacking a restaurant here.

Change.

Why, this is me going after richard simmons.

What kind of plan is that?

I worked hard on these plans.

Don't cry.

Look, I've got a plan of my own.

Change.

Look, I've got a plan of my own.

Change.

Look, I've got a plan of my own.

Change.

Look, I've got a plan of my own.

We don't need horses.

Why does your horse have a door?

It's a pinto.

Oh.

Change.

It's a cougar.

Heee.

Change.

It's a mustang.

Wakawaka.

Why do you insist on declaring w*r?

Why can't we live in peace?

Wayne: change.

Colin: why can't we all sing "kumbaya"?

Wayne: change.

Colin: why can't we make a nice felt marker out of twigs and a popular cola?

Wayne: change.

Colin: why can't we just walk in a circle, quack like a duck, and pretend it's -- wayne: change.

Colin: hey, I'm staying out of this.

[ Buzzer ]

That was great.

A million points to each of you.

A million points to each of you.

Let's move along with a game called "motown group" for brad, wayne, and ryan.

What's going to happen is they're going to sing a song as a motown group, and they're going to be helped out.

Laura, linda, and cece are going to help them out.

What I need from the audience is a suggestion of a physical-type job.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Nope.

You know what?

Let's do lumberjack.

Uh, you'll be singing the song "do the lumberjack" as a motown group.

Get busy, man.

Go ahead and get busy with it.

[ Playing motown music ]

Whoo! Ooh come on.

Now, ever since I've been chopping down trees I've been a believer, yeah I get busy gnawing down things like I am a big beaver the best part of being a lumberjack I carry an a* and when I'm finished working I rub their backs 'cause I'm a lumberjack yeah 'cause I'm a lumberjack I love the guy who cuts down every tree that he sees choppin' every tree after all, who needs that many trees?

Many trees you can bet I'm a guy you can call a friend don't you know I'm canadian?

Choppin' trees down choppin', choppin' yeah, oh, yeah choppin', choppin' well, I'm choppin' down the trees and I really give a shout and say "timber" timber because you know I am a lumberjack I'm wearing flannel and I'm limber and if you want to see me chop some wood a little bit more I'll chop a big old tree on down until it's just a 2x4 'cause I'm a lumberjack that was great.

We'll be back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Hey, listen, if you want to play the "whose line is it anyway?

" Game at home, all you got to do is send us $2,000, and we'll send you a desk and four stools.

The next game is called "if you know what I mean.

" This is for brad and colin, and ryan's going to be joining later.

The performers are preparing for an annual event, and they can only talk in euphemisms and clichã©s.

What I need is something that happens once a year.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Back to school.

Back to school time, and now go ahead and speak in euphemisms.

Ryan will join you later.

I've got to go get some more loose-leaf paper, if you know what I mean.

I do.

I'm going to get ready to clap my brushes if you know what I mean.

I saw your 3-hole punch -- very impressive, if you know what I mean.

Thank you.

What are you taking this year?

Algebra.

Ha ha! You get what I'm saying.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I had to let the kids out for recess, if you know what I mean.

Well, your term's almost up, if you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

Do you?

Not really.

I hear there's going to be a big dance before the school even starts.

I'm going to get a grainy picture of the loch ness monster, if you know what I mean.

I think I might go down later to the cafeteria and stuff the old butterball, if you know what I mean.

Plop plop, fizz fizz.

Ha! That'll make the jello wiggle.

Oh! Someone likes to put hollandaise on the asparagus a little too much, don't you think?

What?

Hey, why are you getting your nose hairs in a burning trajectory over moscow?

Ha ha.

I know what you mean.

There's no reason to choke the nun, if you know what I mean.

Hey, let's not make a fox special if you know what I mean.

[ Buzzer ]

I got your 1,000 points right here, if you know what I'm saying.

So let's continue on with a game called "greatest hits," with the help of laura hall, linda taylor, and cece worall.

Colin and ryan are going to be they're going tot a cotry to sell,bumt,t,t/t/ãƒâºãƒâºãƒâºãƒâºãƒâº and they're going to make up the names of the songs.

Wayne and brad are going to sing the songs.

What we need is a job where you wear a uniform.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

You know, a wrestler, you wear a uniform.

So let's do that.

"Songs of the wrestler.

" Let's hear that scintillating cd.

Hi, we'll be back to our movie "to heck and back" in just a moment, but first, have we got a deal for you.

As long as there's been men in tight -- tights -- sorry, I was just picturing it.

As long as there's been sweaty men in tights fighting each other and bumping into ropes and doing stuff like that, there's been hundreds and hundreds of songs written about them, from the early days of greece to the later days of pompeii, and even now, where people wrestle not only for profit, but for fun and to teach the young people that there's better ways of working out your problems -- do you mind if I just sell the cd?

Oh, okay.

Apparently our movie is over now, but you know, we do have a lot of songs on this cd set, including one of my favorite reggae hits, "turnbuckle, turnbuckle.

" [ Playing reggae music ]

Yes, man oh, yeah, oh, yeah now, now, now, now, now me calling me got great big muscles me step into the ring with stone cold steve me want to tussle, me go to the end me come and me throw him, me kick him, me hold him me break his neck and jump off of the top rope me scare you all, you lose all of your arms I'm going to twist you round and maybe throw you off the ropes and maybe take my fist and all my muscles and my knuckles and maybe throw you, baby and then slamming your turnbuckle turnbuckle, turnbuckle turnbuckle, turnbuckle turnbuckle, turnbuckle [ imitating tin drum ]

Turnbuckle, turnbuckle that's a lot more than just a bald kid playing a banjo.

That is absolutely correct, and if you order right now, you'll get the entire cd collection yesterday through a process we don't quite understand yet.

It's very hush-hush.

Very, very hush-hush.

You know, colin, this cd set is not just popular here in the united states, and when I say here in the united states, I'm counting canada.

No, it's popular all over the world, as is evident by this romantic italian ballad -- the romantic italian ballad, "pile driver.

" [ Playing romantic italian music ]

When you show a girl that you love take her head and climb high above hold her still, and that is that show her you love her when you hit the mat just go aah! It's the pile driver of love how do you know that it is true love until you slam her from high up above?

She's the girl that makes you smile until you drive her into the pile pile driver of love pile driver of love you hold her, oh, just see the pile driver the pile driver the pile driver that brings back some memories.

Well, as our regular viewers know, I'm always right on the edge of hip, or maybe right on the edge of hip replacement.

It's hard to say.

I'm joshing, of course.

As you can see, a lot of the songs on this cd set really get you moving, and what's more appropriate than a square dance calling-type song?

This one entitled "1, 2, kick out.

" [ Playing square dance music ]

Well, here's what you do when you're wrestling someone in the ring you come around and then I'll tell you just the thing you gotta grab him, slam him put him on the ground, then you crush his neck and then he tries to break out and I say what the heck I say 1, 2, oops, he kicked out on me 1, 2, oops, he kicked out on me 1, 2 swing him right over your head knock him down until he's dead step on his toe and punch him in the face then you pull his eyes until they're good everybody in hollywood swing, swing, swingin' all the day jump around, to the floor, everybody do a little more if I say it, look and see, I can't tell what'll it be everything is going on over gorgeous george yee-haw [ buzzer ]

We'll be right back.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner is wayne brady.

How about that?

Congratulations, wayne.

We're going to do a game called "props.

" Why don't you go get our prop?

We have to come up with as many ideas that we can for these props back and forth, and wayne is going to buzz us in between each one.

So take it away, you guys.

Well, I don't know what happened to the other half of your spider.

[ Buzzer ]

We make the movie ourselves.

It's about witches, and this is our symbol.

Okay.

[ Buzzer ]

First time making a parachute, wilkins?

[ Buzzer ]

The wicked chicken of the east is dead.

[ Buzzer ]

There must be a better way of checking for land mines.

[ Buzzer ]

[ High-pitched voice ]

Hello.

Welcome to the cheapest puppet show in the world.

[ Buzzer ]

I was hoping the hairs would be a little smaller.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

And you tell hulk hogan if he wants this belt, he's got to come take it away from me! [ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

Dead man wal[ buzzer ]

ó)㳠this is a chicken leg.

This is a chicken leg on dr*gs.

[ Buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line?

" Right after this.

Welcome back.

We're going to end with ryan and colin reading the credits for you, and I want you to read the credits as two police officers on megaphones trying to contain a crowd.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

Good night.

Dan patterson, mark leveson, please get away from the building.

Mark leveson, your mother's here to talk to you.

Ruth phillips, get away.

Don't pay attention to all the g*ns pointed at you, steven blum.

There's nothing to see, keith richmond.

Jason scott -- your minister's here, jason.

I'm going to dress up like a woman.

Your drew carey's here.

Now come out.