02x39 - May 18, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Evening and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- read my lips -- no new taxes for wayne brady.

I did not inhale -- chip esten.

I know colin mochrie, and you're no colin mochrie.

And where's the beef?

Ryan stiles.

Hey, I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

", The show where everything is made up, and the points don't matter, like when I say "I love you" when I'm drunk.

No! I know this is a bad time to tell you, but, uh everybody's going to make up everything you see off the top of their heads.

I give them points, and at the end of the show, we pick an artificial winner.

The winner gets to do a little something special with me, and the loser has to dispose of the van.

Uh, that's right.

Oh.

We'll start out with a game called "film, tv, and theater styles.

" This is for ryan, captain hair, and wayne.

Captain hair -- that's our new nickname for colin.

He loves it.

They're going to act out a scene and adapt different styles of television, film, or theater.

I'd like the audience to give suggestions for those styles.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Kung fu.

p*rn.

Keystone kops.

Man, I cannot write this -- workout video, good one.

I always watch those with the volume down.

Anybody else?

Golfing.

Oh, a golf -- a golf show.

Okay, uh, oh, I can't even read.

All right.

Well, the ones I can make out we'll do.

You're going to start it as normal, who are stealing dinosaur bones from an exhibit, are interrupted by the night watchman wayne.

Go ahead and start, and I'll buzz in with a style.

Knee bone's connected to the [ both humming ]

Can't we just hurry and get in?

[ Imitates electric charge ]

Hey, sector five.

[ Humming ]

Hey! I told you we were too close to the night watchman! Oh.

I didn't think he'd hear us.

You guys are stealing bones.

Thunk.

Aah! Thunk.

I'm sorry.

I got carried away.

[ Buzzer ]

Drew: uh, chick flick.

Don't make me use this, billy bob.

You ain't going to hit me no more with no bones.

Quick, thelma.

Thelma, get in the car.

Oh, he's chasing us.

[ Buzzer ]

Drew: keystone kops.

[ Imitates brakes squealing ]

Oh! [ Buzzer ]

Drew: ha ha ha.

Workout video.

Ryan: wow, you feel it in there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

Let's pick up the bones.

Pick up the bones.

Stretch.

And pick the bones.

Pick up the bones.

Pick up the bones.

For those of you at home who can't pick up the bones all the way, just pick them up at chest level.

[ Buzzer ]

Drew: p*rn.

Here, let me help you with that bone.

You know something?

Both of you guys, you stay -- oh, my g*n.

Oh.

[ Buzzer ]

Golf show.

Let's go for the hole in one.

I don't know.

[ Buzzer ]

Drew: all right, that's enough.

That's enough right there.

I get so nervous watching that.

Yeah, I'm as nervous as richard simmons' pool boy.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, man.

[ Imitating richard simmons ]

The hose is broken.

Let's go on to a game called "duet" for chip and wayne.

They're going to sing a duet about somebody in the audience with the help of laura hall, linda taylor, and cece worall.

Right out to the crowd.

Hey.

Hi.

What's your name?

Katie.

Katie, how are you?

What do you do for a living, katie?

I work at hoagie oagie.

You work at hoagie oagie.

Uh, so a fast-food place you work at.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Okay.

Well, you're really moving up in the world.

Come on down here, katie.

Say hi to wayne and chip.

Katie works at hoagie oagie.

I'm sure it's not a national chain, so I can mention it.

They serve, like, hoagies, and you work there.

Do you work behind the counter or in front?

Behind.

Behind, oh.

Ryan: in front of the counter -- that would be a customer, drew.

The reason I picked katie -- you're going to sing to her in the following style -- you're going to be a boy band.

I think I found the perfect subject.

Katie -- she works at hoagie oagie.

Good luck.

[ Pop music playing ]

Ooh, baby ahh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ooh I got something special going out for the girl that made me a hoagie.

Yeah yeah, ooh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, now listen to me, katie this is what I said your job revolves around mayonnaise and two pieces of bread oh, yeah you keep it coming out, ee-oh-ay it's not a national chain so we can mention hoagie oagie yeah I get a good sandwich when I'm around her you know that katie works behind the counter she has a lot of sandwich tricks she even gives me the fancy toothpicks yeah that sandwich, make it, little girl and give me the kind of spices from all around the world take some mustard and oregano and some provolone cheese and you put it on my hoagie now baby, please sesame seeds sesame seeds break it down, chip, break it down, chip yeah, I'm watching on the telly and I saw you at the deli and I went to get a sandwich, and I put it in my mouth I came, I got a coke I got something else to drink I got another sandwich let me tell you something, girl because, you see, I want to spin and twirl that's right, that's right the days are days I get funky, give me mayonnaise whoa yeah gotta, gotta, gotta don't you like them hoagie oagies?

Hee make it make it whoo katie katie hey, girl drew: oh, man.

There you go.

Have a seat.

Katie, everybody.

Hey, uh game's over, man.

You can relax.

Something tells me katie's going to be making $6.

50 An hour.

Got a little raise coming, baby.

Let's move on to a game called "song titles.

" This is for all four of you.

Chip and wayne, you're going to start.

You can only speak in song titles.

If you're ever at a party, there's no chicks or booze, you can play this game.

So, go ahead.

You're at a beach party.

When somebody goes wrong, you have to take their place.

See who's out there the longest.

"Little surfer girl"?

"Who's that girl?

" "Hello, goodbye.

" "Stop, in the name of love.

" "I fought the law.

The law won.

" "Don't be a hero.

" Drew: "billy, don't be a hero.

" Wayne: "billy, don't be a hero.

" "Mmm-bop.

" "Everybody, rock your body.

" "Ebony and ivory.

" Aah! [ Buzzer ]

"Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini.

" "One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater.

" Drew: ha ha ha! "I don't know how to love him.

" Me, either.

[ Buzzer ]

"Delilah.

" "Angie.

" "Yellow submarine.

" Well, yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

"My name is luka.

" "Ben.

" "Theme from 'jaws.

'" I'll get a harpoon.

La la la la [ buzzer ]

"Tutti frutti"?

"Sandy"?

"Jimmy mack.

" "Get back, honkey cat.

" [ Buzzer ]

Drew: thank you very much.

Hey, we'll be back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Right after this, so don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Hey, cap up the cheez whiz and wipe off your toes.

It's time for more "whose line is it anyway?

" Let's go on to a game called "news flash.

" This is for ryan, chip, and colin.

Ryan and chip, you're two news anchors in a studio.

Colin, you're going to be in the field covering a breaking news story.

It's called a green screen, but on the studio monitor and at home, we can see what's behind him.

He has to guess what's behind him.

You guys are going to give him hints.

Go ahead.

I thought it was a whole group of people, but apparently -- oh, we interrupt this program for a special bulletin.

There seems to be some activity out there, and we've got our man on the scene colin to tell us all about it.

Colin -- colin?

Yes.

Can you hear us?

Pardon?

I have never seen anything like that in my entire life.

Me neither.

I've been staring at this -- I have been looking at this for the last five hours, and I just can't take my eyes off it.

It's a sad sight, indeed, colin.

It certainly is.

How did it start?

It all started with a badly timed bald joke.

And then that's -- it just went on to this.

Colin?

Yes.

Have they made any plans?

Is there any way to get rid of this thing?

Well, there are a couple of scientists working on a formula that has, uh, been involved -- I don't think there's any way to get rid of it at all.

What are authorities advising us to do?

Well, what they say is duck and cover.

Duck and cover.

Colin?

Colin?

Stay inside.

Stay inside.

Colin?

Yes.

Are these things capable of reproducing?

Maybe like around -- i-i'm afraid to get close enough to find out.

Wow.

Now, I notice you're not wearing sunglasses to help you with that incredible shine.

Yeah.

Yeah, although many people are because of the incredible beauty of what is happening behind.

It's so beautiful.

Many artists have come down just to take a rendering of it.

Watch out.

Oh, my god.

It's -- oh, the beauty.

The beauty.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, man.

It's -- [ buzzer ]

It's the best one ever.

Colin, what is behind you?

I hope it's me with my clothes on.

Yes, it is! [ Buzzer ]

I can't wait four months from now for you to be home and to watch it.

I hope you're drunk in a bar somewhere, and you look up, and you go, "ugh.

" Will it ever end?

Bald men -- it was hilarious.

Oh, I said the bald joke thing, too.

You did.

You were right on with it.

That's why they call you captain hair.

Because you did so good, you're going to do a hoedown.

Come on up here.

Whoo! Yeah! With the help of laura hall on piano.

Laura hall.

Holler for laura hall.

Whoo! Whoo! You keep that spirit alive, baby, 'cause it's going to -- yeah.

What I need is a reason you might wear a mask.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Plastic surgery is a reason you might wear a mask, so let's do the "plastic surgery" hoedown.

[ Playing hoedown music ]

Here is some news I heard all over the place michael jackson had surgery to fix his face he didn't think that he looked good he started sulkin' I saw him the other day he looks just like macaulay culkin chip: all right.

Okay.

I know something nice, it isn't so darn nasty you could just be a doctor and go giving rhinoplasty michael jackson had some, it wasn't just his loss instead of one michael jackson now there's two diana ross the plastic surgery didn't work, I must confess my -- my face is now one big bad mess here's a little hint if any of you go make sure your doctor isn't dr.

Picasso I wanted surgery, but my doc said no I had to force him 'cause I had no place to go I had to thr*aten him with my big old mouser now I look just like a grown-up doogie howser all: a grown-up doogie howser we're going to a commercial.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winners -- ryan, colin, and wayne.

They get to do a game with me called "foreign film dub.

" Wayne and I are going to make up a scene and pretend to speak in a foreign language.

Colin's going to translate for wayne, and ryan's going to translate for me, and it's really fun.

Give us a foreign language to fake.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Canadian.

That's a good one.

Let's do canadian.

We're going to fake canadian for you.

Oh, that's going to be tough to do.

If you're a canadian action-film director, what would the name of your action film be?

Man: "out and about.

" [ Canadian accent ]

"Out and about.

" "Out and about," the action -- canadian action movie.

Eh, ho, good frosty, eh?

Colin: boy, this is good.

Ja.

Das da yoopy yaddy hoo.

Ryan: can you giggle when you say regina?

Oh.

Hey, ho, der ser didda do.

Hi-de-di.

Ooh do do do do do do do colin: hey, doesn't that cloud look like a ducky?

Ja.

Da hoser in the icebox.

Oh, day hey.

Ryan: we don't even have a football team, but I bet we could b*at cleveland.

Ho, hey, der's a grate.

Eh! [ Imitates g*nsh*t ]

Oh! Oh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Colin: oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, no.

Oh, I forgo they had g*ns.

Ja.

The hoser in the eh, and the -- and the 3-minute penalty over the eh.

Ryan: I better help you like all canadians do by sucking that b*llet out of your mouth.

Oh! Ay! Whoo! Colin: oh, I'm fine.

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" We're going to end the show with everybody reading the credits for you.

I want you to read the credits as french cancan dancers.

Good night.

Thanks for watching.

Dan patterson and mark, mark leveson, and tom park, danny breen and drew carey, charles esten, kieran healy, steven blum keith richmond, joe c.

Hughes and ron west da da da da da da da da da da jon o'brien, rachael dowling all the credits, and that is the end