03x03 - October 19, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- be sure to wash behind your wayne brady.

Treat others as you would have them treat chip esten.

Never take candy from colin mochrie.

And don't go out without a clean pair of ryan stiles.

And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on, let's have some fun.

Hello.

Hello, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

", The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

The points are just like my ab machine.

If you never saw the show before, these guys are going to make up everything right off the top of their heads, and after every game we give them these fakey points to hold the show together.

We pick a fake winner.

It's just somebody who gets to sit at the desk while the losers calculate how deep the ocean would be if there were no sponges in it.

We'd all be drowning if it wasn't for those sponges.

Let's start the show with a game called "hollywood director.

" Ryan, chip, and wayne are going to act out a film scene.

Colin is the temperamental hollywood director.

He keeps giving the actors different notes.

You've never seen them before.

The scene is, chip is a government scientist testing out his new robocop ryan, wayne is a high-tech thief who breaks in to steal it, and you're the temperamental director.

Take over the scene after they get started.

Chip: okay, say freeze.

[ Deep voice ]

Freeze.

Deeper.

Deeper voice.

[ Deeper voice ]

Freeze.

[ Imitates g*nf*re ]

Oh, gee.

Oops.

Zzz! Hold it right there! Get back! Give me the code! Get him! [ High-pitched voice ]

Freeze! [ Deep voice ]

Freeze.

[ High-pitched voice ]

Freeze! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! I was just looking at the playback.

I've seen better film on my grandmother's eye.

Come on! Let's try to work here! You know what?

We need something that appeals to the kids.

I want you to do it like you're clueless teenage girls.

Trust me! Go! Like, freeze.

Totally! Bing-bing-bing- bing-bing.

Oh, my god.

Like, freeze.

Oh, my god, I've go to have the robot.

I hear something.

[ Imitates cutting glass ]

Uhh! Ow, my weave.

Dink! I want him! Oh, my god! I want him too! Get back.

No, you better get all out of my face, because that's my man.

I'm going to tell you something.

Oh, you don't need -- give me the code.

Hit me, baby, one more time.

Oh! Oh! Cut! We can't do that! That's demeaning to women! Besides, all your boobs are really small.

All right, we need something -- something -- yes! Yes! Do it like '70s disco dancers.

Get a little movement in there! Give me a little stayin' alive, stayin' alive! All right, action! Ryan: freeze.

[ Brooklyn accent ]

This hand goes up and it goes down, all right?

Yeah.

Damn, baby, I need to get that robot.

We need some more batteries.

Ooh, ooh zzz! Do the g*nsh*t! Do the g*nsh*t! Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

I need the robot.

Give it to me now! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! You're making me tired.

All right we need -- by the way, I can't see you anymore.

All right, uh we need to appeal to everyone.

What does everyone like?

Sex.

So do it lustfully -- filled with lust.

You fake it.

Look at you.

You're just so big and strong, and you're all -- use the bigger one.

Ooh, I've got to have that robot.

Colin: cut.

[ Buzzer ]

Colin, you were especially good in that one.

20,000 Points.

Thank you, drew.

Now let's go on to a game called "duet.

" This is for chip and wayne with laura hall and linda taylor.

[ Growls ]

Oh, here's somebody sitting in the corner.

What's your name, please?

Maria.

What do you do for a living, maria?

Riverside.

No, what do you do for a living?

Sorry.

I'm a hula instructor.

Really?

All the way in riverside?

Come on down here.

She's a hula instructor.

Say hi to the guys.

Have a seat on the stool.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

How do you do?

Maria claims to be a hula instructor.

And you're going to sing a song to her, using her name and occupation, as van halen.

[ Rock music playing ]

Wow! Yeah! Whoo! Oh, yeah! Now, maria is the girl she's got a lot of taste she doesn't do her talking with her mouth she does it with her waist oh, she uses her brain she uses her medulla look at her over in riverside that's hula yeah! Yow! Diggin' that hula she, she, she -- I've got it bad when she sees her, well, I just can't pass she turns around and she can move that grass she's low yeah, yeah when she moves her lips, it drives me crazy it's the kind of entertainment that you see in waikiki oh, let me tell you something something you should know when she goes like this, boom goes my volcano maria maria maria she makes me want to jump want to jump I'm her boy, aloha hoy oh, oh [ buzzer ]

Yeah [ buzzer ]

Whoo! Whoo! Drew: maria! Thank you very much.

Maria from riverside, shaking that hula thang.

Look at that.

There she goes.

Aloha.

[ As david lee roth ]

Hey, I wonder who the hula instructor's going to be this year, man.

I don't feel tardy.

Give me something to write on.

Okay.

I'm hot for hula teacher let's move on with a game called "narrate" for colin and ryan.

Somebody from this middle section, give me an unlikely place for a film noir scene.

[ Audience shouting suggestions ]

The oval office.

So you guys are going to do a film noir scene for us set in the oval office.

Take it away.

[ Slow jazz music playing ]

I had been looking for the man who had raised my taxes.

I wanted to meet him face to face so he could see what he had done to me.

I found him in the oval office.

There didn't seem to be much security around.

I just walked right in.

Yo.

How are you?

You're the president?

Yeah, I'm the president.

I got big problems -- big problems with you.

I knew he had big problems, but I was used to big problems, and I knew how to keep people with secrets quiet.

Cigar?

I felt even more uncomfortable than I did when I walked in and noticed he was wearing no pants.

This guy was crazy.

It was up to me to stop him and I knew just how to do it.

Want to go with me to canada?

I'd love to.

Have some wine.

Thanks.

Ooh.

Oh.

That stain I don't think I need to say any more.

Yeah, I'll go with you to canada.

Good.

'Cause I've fallen in love with you.

I know what you're thinking -- falling in love with another man?

He's better-looking than most of the women I've slept with.

[ Buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Some of the folks in the studio might have noticed the lights dimming during the commercial.

No need to panic.

There was just another execution in texas.

Let's keep the show going, game called "themed restaurants.

" Wayne and chip are in a restaurant having a high-powered business lunch.

Ryan and colin are waiters.

The theme of the restaurant is the olympics.

Wayne: uh-huh.

Yep.

Okay.

Hold.

All right?

Yes.

Great.

Close it.

What do you have for me?

I brought my portfolio, and I think this is -- hold on one second.

Garã§on?

I'm going to like some -- oh, thank you.

So, you were saying?

I think this portfolio's going to be something you're interested in.

I'm really a little thirsty, though.

We need some more water, please.

Ahh! Great.

Thank you.

9.

6.

Now, what I'm trying to tell you is that we need to expand.

The company needs more revenue.

We need 10 times more products actually coming through.

So, that's all I'm saying.

If you can do this for me, then I want it.

Well what we're going to do is consolidate a lot of your other problems.

We're going to have a lot of communication help for you.

Can I get some olympic onion rings?

[ Buzzer ]

1,000 Points, like an olympic judge.

Let's go on to a game called "greatest hits.

" This is for everybody, with laura hall and linda taylor on piano and guitar.

Somebody from over in this section, tell me what you wanted to be when you grow up.

Firefighter we haven't done yet.

Ryan and colin are going to be tv commercial salesman guys, and they're going to make up names of songs.

Chip and wayne are going to sing the songs.

The name of the album is "songs of the firefighter," so take it away whenever you're ready.

Hi.

We'll be right back to the missing letter production of "when harry et sally" in just a second.

But first, have we got something for you! Hey, col, do you smell something?

[ Sniffing ]

No.

No, you don't.

You don't smell smoke, do you?

No.

Smoke.

No.

That's because we have firemen to keep those type of things under control.

Why, that's right.

And we've composed 40 songs on 20 cds all about the firemen.

You know, you can barely think about firemen without wanting to hum a song.

Maybe that's just me.

What do you think of, colin, when I say "beaches and barbecues"?

Cottage cheese.

Nothing like putting the old cottage cheese on the grill and frying it up and -- you and your canadian traditions.

You know, it makes me think of the beach boys, one of my favorite groups of all time, and of course that song of theirs that was on the charts for 43 weeks -- "slidin' down the pole.

" [ Surf rock playing ]

Well, let me tell you something when I start singin' listen to the alarm ringin' oh, man, I got to jump down the hole a fireman loves to slide down the pole ba ba-loo yeah, somebody will come to harm if we hear that big alarm it's all brass and I won't fall on mybottom so I'm gonna slide down, down the pole I'm gonna slide slide, slide down, down the pole we're gonna slide, slide down, down the pole I said, whoo yeah we're gonna slide, slide, slide slide, slide we'll slide on the pole oh, and slide on the pole yeah! Cool.

Groovy, dude.

You can have your alternative music.

Give me the beach boys any day.

Well, remember the restraining order.

You know, I love the old rock, too.

I love queen.

Oh! Oh, there's nothing better than singing in the shower with queen.

Oh, and she has done such a job with england.

No, no, no, the band.

The band queen.

I know! Anyway, one of my favorite queen songs, of course, is "we will hose you.

" [ Rock music playing ]

[ As freddie mercury ]

There's a little fire and I see the man with the hose that is me [ as freddie mercury ]

When I see that I know I'm going to squirt you 1, 2, 3 oh, my goodness, move out of the way don't cry because my water pressure's coming at 5,000 p.

S.

I.

Because I know the thing I'll turn so you will not burn I want to spray you because I never know who can hose, I know I am going to spray you with my hose I hose when I fight because I win my hose, myself, and I can whip the water out hose hose you hose I'm proud of my hose we're going to have to call some firemen to put you out.

Mercury's rising.

You know that isn't the only song we have from faraway countries.

No, no.

You know, latin music is so popular.

Oh, and people say latin is a dead language.

No, it's not.

It's a language, too?

Yeah.

Latin pop is a music s-- it's music.

And I think one of my favorite latin -- well, it's actually the only latin pop song I've ever heard, but it is my favorite.

Keep going.

"Four days on, two weeks off.

" [ Dance music playing ]

Because the fire, it makes enrique hot.

Are you ready, ricky?

I'm burning up! Huh, hey, uhh I've got a great job I only work two days hard because I know I never tire of the f ire being a fireman, it's so fun when they call and they say "squad 51" I know that I won't get a cough from too much smoke four days on, two weeks off four days on two weeks off four days on two weeks off four days on two weeks off four days on and two weeks and two weeks off two weeks off two weeks off drew: oh! We'll be right back, find out who the winner is.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner -- colin mochrie.

So ryan and wayne and I are going to sing a song for you called "3-headed broadway star" with myeiko, who we got out of the audience.

We're going to sing a song to her as a strange 3-headed broadway star with the help of laura hall and linda taylor, and what we need from the audience -- somebody over here in the middle, complete this sentence -- "whenever I see yourblank.

" [ Audience shouting suggestions ]

Teeth.

The tremendous broadway love song "whenever I see your teeth" to myeiko.

[ Music playing ]

Whenever I see your teeth I love oh I can't say e nough about your teeth inside my mouth your teeth inside my mouth is good love bicuspids molars and canines incisors y-- there when I look in side your mouth I jump in to your abyss if you can't see my self inside your abyss then you must kiss my abyss all right, everybody, we'll be right back with more "whose line.

" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight, while everybody reads the credits for you, we brought maria the hula lady down here.

You're going to show everybody how to hula.

Thanks for watching.

Good night.

Wayne: dan patterson.

Mark leveson.

Drew carey.

Jimmy mulville.

Ryan stiles.

Bruce gowers.

Kieran healy.

Ron west.

Jean severson.

John perches.

John pritchett.

Brad zerbst.