03x07 - November 2, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" Hit me, baby, one more time, wayne brady.

I was born to make you happy, jeff davis.

Oops, I did it again, colin mochrie.

Hey, are those things real?

Ryan stiles.

I'm your host drew carey.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, hello.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where the points don't matter.

The points are like our border with mexico.

We don't want to listen to me yapping all night.

Let's get the show started with a game called "weird newscasters.

" This is for all four of you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Colin is going to be the anchor of a news show, just as bad as the anchor of your local news show.

The co-anchor is jeff.

You're a horse race announcer.

Sportscaster is wayne.

Wayne -- ha ha ha! -- You're a jamaican love god reporting live from a bedroom where he's on a hot date hi, mom.

Giving somebody their groove back.

Ha ha ha! Sorry, did you drop your groove?

I found it.

Ryan is the weatherman.

You know your wife is home cheating on you, and you're not going to take it anymore.

So, colin, whenever you hear the music, go ahead and start the news.

[ Newscast music plays ]

Welcome to the 6:00 news.

I'm your anchor wes fiwwing moretaste.

[ Laughter ]

Our top story today, after a disappointing summer, humpty dumpty has a great fall.

And now, over to our co-anchor manny girl.

Manny.

We've got a lot of cops lining up at the gate and a lot of protestors.

In top seed is the policeman "most likely to b*at you," coming in at 10 to 1.

Right across the gate from him is "I just want my freedom, darn you.

" And they're off! "Most likely to b*at you" starts off by pounding "I just want my freedom, darn you.

" It's neck and neck.

They're running now.

They're running, downtown los angeles, and he's b*ating on the first leg.

He's b*ating him on the first leg! They're neck and neck, b*ating each other's necks.

We'll come back as we have more.

Thank you very much, manny.

Very exciting out here, wes.

Very exciting, indeed.

Why don't we go to sports with reggae jackson?

[ Jamaican accent ]

Ha ha! Hello, man.

You going to see a comeback like me ain't seen a long time.

Me want to tell you something about the sports, but before me tell you about baseball and football, I'll tell you about my favorite sport of all.

Oh, it's not baseball, but me use a bat.

[ Cheers and laughter ]

It's the sport of making love, and I only make love to the most beautiful women in the world, like this woman right here.

Do you know what they call me, girl?

They call me reggae jackson.

No, girl, you can't leave! Man, you can't leave.

Listen, baby, I'm a jamaican sex god! Look at that! Look close! How you like that?

Oh, yes, man! Oh, come now.

Wait, baby.

Wait, baby! Wait, baby! Don't leave me! Come.

Me goi walk you down here.

I'm going to let you all get back to sports, but I just want you to see the kiss that I will plant on this lovely woman.

Come, baby.

[ Speaks jamaican ]

[ Cheers and laughter ]

Get on.

I'll see you later.

Oh, you want some of me?

Go ahead.

This just in -- looks really don't matter.

And now why don't we see what's happening with weather with lamont sur la table?

Thank you very much.

Well, as you can see, we've got rain moving in over the weekend, especially over sherman oaks, which is where I live.

Honey, if you're home, put on clothes, kick him out, and head for cover! Oh, that's right! I know what's going on! It better not be that jamaican guy again! Yeah! What, you think I'm stupid because I'm the weatherman?

Well, I've got some news for you! Come up here right now.

Uh-huh, that's what I'm saying.

I've found someone, too.

[ Laughter and applause ]

That's right.

And he's a marine! Yeah! Yeah, they're looking for -- get out! Hey! They're looking for a few good men, and this boy found his, you know what I'm saying?

Go right back there.

Colin: well, that was the 6:00 news.

Please join us tomorrow for more news, more news! Good night! [ Newscast music plays ]

[ Buzzer ]

I'd like to give 10,000 points and an "oorah" to our little marine.

You're going to need them when the guys in boot camp get ahold of this tape.

Why isn't he smiling, drew?

Drew: I don't know.

I like the desk thing, too.

[ Jamaican accent ]

Me been working out.

He's married, ladies.

Sorry.

Crowd: aw! They're all married.

Even colin's married.

Oh! Jeff davis is single, single, single.

Let's go on to a game called "scenes from a hat.

" We're going to move on.

This is for all four of you.

Jeff, wayne, ryan, colin, go to your positions.

Before the show we asked the audience to write down different suggestions.

One of them is "scenes they'd like to see.

" We get a lot of crappy ones.

We'll see how many the performers can act out, starting with "if famous movie lines included product plugs.

" Frankly, my dear, I don't give a spam.

[ Buzzer ]

Miss scarlett, I don't know nothing about birthing no cabbage patch babies.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Imitating schwarzenegger ]

I'll be back to burger king.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Imitating e.

T.

]

Elliot, dial 1-800-310-121.

It's cheaper rates.

[ Buzzer ]

Rosebud the last word in sleds! [ Buzzer ]

"What cows are thinking when being milked.

" I can't believe they're going to drink that crap.

[ Buzzer ]

That's right.

No, slower.

[ Buzzer ]

First time this guy's seen a bull?

[ Buzzer ]

Drew: ha ha ha! Okay.

"If you celebrated mundane events as if you'd scored a touchdown.

" It's a boy! Yeah! [ Buzzer ]

Pbht.

"Entries in drew carey's diary.

" "Dear diary, ryan looked at me again today.

" [ Buzzer ]

"How I wish I were sitting on his lap --" [ buzzer ]

"Dear diary, when will people find out that I'm not a man?

" [ Buzzer ]

Drew: and moving right along "what our audience is thinking right now.

" I wonder if that's all true.

[ Buzzer ]

Ha ha ha.

"Unusual uses for your cat.

" Meow.

Meow.

[ Imitates thud ]

[ Buzzer ]

Ooh! Ooh! [ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much! We'll be back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Right after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything's made up and, honestly, the points don't matter.

You know what's great about dating a plus-size model?

When you tell her "that dress makes you look fat," it's a compliment.

Let's go on to a game called "party quirks.

" This is for jeff.

You're hosting a party.

Wayne, colin, and ryan are your guests.

We've given them a strange quirk or identity.

Jeff, come to the center and start the party.

I'll bring you in with the doorbell.

I've got everything for the party -- the beer, the food, the baby oil.

Let's start this thing! [ Doorbell rings ]

Whoo! All right, brother, yes! Yeah! It's good to have you here, man.

Ohh! You just take it easy.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Aah! Hang on.

I've got to get the door.

Oh! I didn't expect to see you here this soon! Yeah, man, let it go.

Let your hair down.

We're here to party and relax.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

You seem to be getting along fine.

I'm going to see who's at the door.

Hey, let me get you something to drink, man.

You look a little tense.

Would you like a beer?

[ Imitates elephant trumpeting ]

[ Trumpets ]

Stay away from this guy.

He's a wrestler who's getting the crud b*at out of him.

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, why don't you come on inside, try to relax?

I've got a sexy woman taking a shower over here.

Uh, close.

Kind of, she's I mean, you seem to be doing a striptease, nude modeling sh**t.

Kind of, for for playboy magazine.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, dude, we scared her off, man.

We scared her off.

I know how hard it is to be an animal on ice.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I know a lot of folks at playboy.

They're really nice.

They're like naked family to me.

Let's go on to a game called "greatest hits.

" This is for everybody, with the help of laura hall on piano, linda taylor on guitar.

Wayne: whoo! Colin and ryan are going to be tv pitchmen talking about the latest compilation album.

They're going to make up names of songs.

Wayne and jeff are going to try to sing those songs.

What I need from the audience is a suggestion of "what you wanted to be when you grew up.

" Taxi driver.

Good, that's -- that was a good one.

The album is "songs of the taxi driver.

" "Songs of the taxi driver.

" Hi, we'll be right back to "rin-ton-ton, the dog that ate too much" in just a second.

Taxi! Taxi! Hey, ryan, what are you doing?

I can't get a cab.

Maybe that's because we're in a studio.

Ryan: oh.

Oh, well, we've come up with over 450 songs that relate music and the taxi driver.

I don't know if you know this, ryan -- didn't mean to scare you because you're a big h*m*.

You know you know, I grew up in the disco era -- disco era.

Ha ha ha! Yes, you did.

I loved the bee gees.

I loved them before, and in the disco era.

They were great! There were three of them.

They're brothers.

Bee gees! And they did a great cab driver-related song which, of course, is I'm telling you right now "I can't pronounce the driver's name.

" [ Disco music playing ]

Now let me tell you something I paid my fare I want to pay you to get me from here to there bud, I owe you nothing oh, man, stop blab what the hell did you say?

What's your name?

Punjab?

Now, if you don't know my name don't blame it on me don't blame it on me because my name is from a different ethnicity ethnicity ooh-ooh-ooh what's your name?

What's your name?

Ooh, what's your name?

Your name?

Your name?

Your name?

Your name?

Tell me, what's your name?

[ Falsetto voice ]

Ha ha ha! They were just ripping off johnny mathis.

Yeah.

You know there's no music like american music, is there, colin?

Oh, good old u.

S.

Of a.

I was a child, and I'm not afraid to admit it, of the '50s.

And nothing [ laughter ]

Nothing is closer to my heart than '50s rock 'n' roll, and that number-one song from that era, "hey, I think we're going in circles.

" [ Rock 'n' roll music playing ]

[ Imitating elvis presley ]

Uh-huh-huh whoo, uh-huh, yeah uh-huh well, now, let me tell you something let me tell you, cabby where the hell we going?

Why don't you just show me?

Whoa-oh-oh I think we're going around in circ-- in circ-- in circ-- in circ-- hey, looky at that house over there it's the 15th time we've been by I don't want to go in circles I want to get to see my lady tonight oh, oh we're going around in circles we're going around around and around we're going around we've been all over this town we're going around we're going around we're going around hey, I'm getting so dizzy because we're going around [ cheers and applause ]

[ Imitating elvis presley ]

Thank you very much.

Ho.

I don't mind telling you, I'm a little dizzy.

[ Laughter ]

You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories, and one of my favorites was right after the disco era.

I got into punk.

I belonged to a band called swollen blister.

Yeah, we didn't do very well, but we got girls.

And you'll catch girls if you play this wonderful punk song, "your air freshener smells like crap.

" [ Punk music playing ]

Aah what's that in the air?

I smell something that I don't like what's that in the air?

Your air smells like crap I'll get in your cab you, you your air freshener smells like doo-doo oh, my god, that's it smells like crap oh, when I smell your air I say "no, no, no" I don't want to smell any more of your b.

O.

No, no, no, no no smells like crap it smells, it smells, it smells like crap it smells, it smells, it smells like crap it smells, it smells, it smells like crap crap oh don't go away.

We'll be back with more "whose line" after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner, jeff davis.

Congratulations.

As punishment, the rest of us get to do a little thing called the hoedown with laura hall on the piano.

Laura hall.

I need from the audience a suggestion of a really good place to go on vacation.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

The beach.

We're going to do a hoedown about the beach.

Whenever you're ready, laura hall, take it away.

[ Piano music playing ]

[ Audience clapping in time with music ]

Let me tell you something just listen to my song I was on the beach I got something caught in my thong the pain was immense I thought that I would hurl a little piece of sand got trapped -- ugh I made a pearl oh, I went on vacation and it was grand I got lots of sleep and I got really tan now I'm back to work don't want to sound like a leach but man, doing these hoedowns really is a beach yee-hee! I vacationed at the beach I really had to frown I was splashing in the water and I started to drown water went into my lungs I sputtered and I coughed next thing, I woke up having mouth to mouth with david hasselhoff I went to the beach and, boy, was the water cold I got in anyway because I was bold when I jumped in it was colder than I feared that's the day that my penis disappeared all: my penis disappeared wayne: whoo! We'll be back with more "whose line" after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight we're going to have wayne read the credits.

Wayne, read the credits as a jamaican love god talking about your conquests.

Thanks for watching.

[ Jamaican accent ]

I'm going to tell you about dan patterson and mark leveson.

One time they had drew carey outside back in jamaica.

These are my ladies.

I call this one colin mochrie.

That's drew carey over there.

Me too busy.

Now move.

Let me tell you all about ron west.

Oh, alison sideris, you the prettiest of all.