03x12 - November 30, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- yabba dabba wayne brady.

I tawt I taw a chip esten.

That's despicable colin mochrie.

And blow me down ryan stiles, and I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Oh, my god, it's drew carey! Yay, drew.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

That's right.

The points are as worthless as the phrase campaign finance reform.

These guys are going to make up everything you see right off the top of their heads.

Then after every game I give them these fakey points.

At the end of the show we pick a fake winner.

The winner gets to sit at my desk and do nothing, and the loser has to teach george w.

Bush to say "subliminal.

" Let's get on, uh, let's go on with a game called -- yeah, speaking of guys who can't talk.

Let's start the show with a game called "superheroes.

" This is for all four of you.

Ha ha.

You're going to act out a scene as unlikely superheroes.

Colin is going to start, so we're going to think of a name for him, and the others are going to name each other as they come in -- try to screw each other up.

What we need is an unlikely superhero name for colin.

Staple g*n kid.

The staple g*n kid, and what's the big emergency for the staple g*n kid?

Woman: out of staples! No paper.

Okay.

Uh, so there's no paper, staple g*n kid.

What are you going to do?

There's no paper.

Oh, it doesn't seem that bad, but, no, it could be horrible.

What will I staple together when I write my script for "gepetto 2"?

I hope my super friends get here soon.

[ Makes stuck-door noise ]

Oh, thank you.

Sorry I'm late.

Thank god you're here, malfunctioning robot with an attitude boy.

[ Imitating robot ]

I couldn't get in your door.

What is wrong with your door?

Look, there's no paper in the world.

Is that my problem?

[ Makes malfunctioning noises ]

What are you looking at?

I'm sorry.

You seem to be malfunctioning.

I got here just in time.

Thank god, the richard simmons kid.

[ Imitating richard simmons ]

Because you people are fat! You're fat! Come on, work the arms, work the arms! You work your own arms.

I don't need this.

If I could form a finger, I'd give you one.

I will deal you a meal so quickly your head will spin.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, thank god.

It's the "south park" kid.

[ Imitating cartman ]

Yeah, what the hell did you call me for?

[ Imitating kenny ]

[ Imitating stan ]

Oh, my god.

You k*lled kenny! He ate too much, and you are really fat.

[ Imitating cartman ]

Hey, shut up! I'm not fat.

I'm big-boned anyway.

Paper -- we're out of paper.

[ Imitating cartman ]

Hey, I know what to do.

Why don't you go down to the store and get some paper yourself?

Blame canada, blame canada [ making malfunctioning noises ]

Well, thanks for your help.

Ow! Ow! Well, another crises averted.

[ Makes staple g*n noise ]

Oh! [ Buzzer ]

1,000 Points to everybody but colin for that one.

Colin, I'll give you your points -- [ audience boos ]

I'm going to give him his points after the show.

I'm going to sing them to you.

I love you.

What?

I can't hear you.

Your shirt is too loud.

What happened to us?

Now let's go on to a game -- [ buzzer ]

I can't hear you.

Now let's go on to a game called "duet.

" This is for chip and wayne with laura hall, linda taylor, and cece worrall.

Follow me and I'll pick you.

What's your name?

Leyna.

Leyna, what do you do for a living?

I'm a camp counselor.

Come on down here, leyna.

Leyna is a camp counselor.

Have a seat.

I was a camp counselor.

Really?

Yeah, in akron, ohio, when I was in college.

The soapbox derby champ stayed there every year.

It was really exciting, and, uh, lot of money in that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You make tons of money being a camp counselor.

So, uh, leyna is a camp counselor, and you're going to sing a song to her in the style of the munchkins, so, um, whenever you're ready, take it away.

[ Speaking in a high-pitched voice ]

She's come from across the sea to camp to help me.

[ Speaking in a gruff voice ]

She knows just what she's doing when she teaches us canoeing.

She's a counselor.

Lorrrr.

Welcome.

We are we are the kids at the camp you teach us how to climb a rope you give us lots of snails and you give us hope hope, hope, hope we think that it's fun we think that we're taller when we are with leyna at camp mini-winni-walli-holler she vanquished the evil witch by teaching her how to swim it's true and everybody knows witches cannot swim swim [ imitating glenda, the good witch ]

Oh, but you're such a good counselor.

[ Both imitating munchkins ]

Welcome to the camp.

Welcome to the camp.

Welcome to the camp.

Welcome to the camp.

Welcome to the camp.

Welcome to the camp.

When I got poison ivy ivy from that wicked witch witch she gave me calamine lotion lotion so I would no longer itch she vanquished the evil witch and she told me bedtime stories and a joke and she even mended my leg when I broke it when I fell out of the oak oh oh, leyna, thank you, thank you both: thank you, leyna thank you thank you, leyna.

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you, leyna.

Thank you.

I like thalast little tableau at the end.

That was nice.

That was two married guys clinging to that last bit of hope.

"Honey, I was acting.

" Now let's go on to a game -- this is a really good game -- called, uh, "good cop, bad cop," for wayne, ryan, and colin.

Now what I need from the audience -- somebody from this section of the audience tell me the last thing that broke down in your house.

Woman: dishwasher.

Dishwasher.

Okay, dishwasher.

So what happened is wayne has called ryan and colin over to his house to repair the dishwasher.

They don't know that ryan and colin used to be partners on the police force who employed the good cop/bad cop method of interrogation.

Ryan was the good cop.

Colin was the bad cop.

That's what wayne doesn't know.

Take iaway.

I hope those guys arrive soon.

[ Makes knock on door noise ]

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Colin: all right, all right! How did this happen?

How did this happen?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, let me handle this! Hi, I'm inspector philips.

I understand your dishwasher broke down.

Well, let me have a look at it, would you?

I had a big party last night.

I got to ask you one thing.

Come over here, if you will.

You don't think you might have overloaded it, do you?

Well, I'm not sure.

I mean, it was a big -- you're not sure or you don't remember?

You don't remember?

Hey, hey! Aah! Now do you remember?

Take it easy, fellow.

I had a big party! Hey, hey, look, I'd like to help you out, but I notice the place where you put your detergent that you close, it seems to be stuck.

What?

What?

You should've checked it.

Well, I didn't because my wife is away.

I normally -- no, no, no! No, no, hey, hey! Now do you remember?

Ryan: step back.

I'll handle this.

[ Pretending to cry ]

I didn't mean it.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

I just put the plates in it.

You put the plates in and you put the detergent in.

I normally don't.

My wife does it.

And you seit for a short wash, didn't you?

'Cause there's not many plates in there.

Did you set it for a short wash?

I thought the longer -- I thought you set I for a short wash.

I just didn't know.

I thought you might have, but no! Please! Enough! Oh, big pot.

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Look, when he gets a big pot in his hand, I can't control him.

I didn't mean -- I just -- can't you just fix it?

It's just a dishwasher.

Maybe you can help us fix it.

Okay.

Why don't we get inside and take a look at it?

How are you going to get inside?

How are you going to?

You're asking me questions?

Well, I don't know what to do now.

Maybe the problem is on the inside.

No! [ Buzzer ]

Nice work.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" And, boy, you know, we got a sister show coming out.

We got a spinoff of this show.

It's from the ford motor company and firestone tires.

It's called "whose fault is it anyway?

" Let's go on to a game called "sound effects.

" This is for ryan and colin.

I'm going to go out to the audience.

What's your name, please?

Kimberly.

Kimberly, why don't you come on out here?

Kimberly, say hi to one of these guys.

Say hello.

Say hello to these guys, and let me walk around to this side.

What's your name, please?

Ashley.

Ashley.

Come on down here, ashley.

Say hello to colin, ryan, and kimberly.

Stand right over here.

We'll give you a microphone, and, ashley, here is your microphone.

Kimberly and ashley, you're going to help us out.

Uh, these guys are going to do a scene for us, and you're going to provide the sound effects.

Kimberly is going to provide the sound effects for colin, ashley is going to provide the sound effects for ryan.

The scene is ryan is noah, and colin is his wife.

Mrs.

Noah -- yeah.

Colin knows his role in every scene.

They get the message to build and load the ark just before the big storm hits.

You guys are going to do the sound effects for them.

Woman: ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh what was that?

What?

What was that, dear?

I'm sorry.

Oh.

I'm expecting rain soon.

Why?

What have you heard?

[ Makes rumbling noise ]

I'm hungry.

Really?

[ Makes rumbling noise ]

Well, go cook up one of those goats for us.

There's three over there anyway.

[ Makes goat noises ]

I hate when they make the noise just as you cut their head off.

We're going to have to collect two of every animal and get them on the ark I'm about to build before the rain starts, and we haven't got much time, so I'm going to build a very small ark.

Do you need some help?

Get some lumber for me, would you?

I'll just cut down this tree.

[ Makes wimpy chopping noise ]

Don't use the hose.

Use the a*.

All right.

Well, it's not like I've ever done it before! I'll do it! [ Silence ]

Maybe you should put the blade on.

Ashley: crick, crick, crick, crick, crick, crick.

I got a crick.

Oh, you got it.

All right, now go assemble all the animals.

I want all of them.

All right.

Kimberly: moo! Ducks! Oh, okay, cows! Boy, those cows are bossy.

Do you know the animals?

They're bossy, the cows.

They keep butting in line.

Was that thunder?

Ashley: boom! No, no.

I think it was the band next door practicing for I thought I felt a drop of rain.

Kimberly and ashley: tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle good, you got the mice.

Get them aboard.

Oh, here come some hippos.

[ Makes grumbling noises ]

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

We better get some throat lozenges.

Right.

I haven't got time for the ark.

Just put them on the log.

Then we'll float away.

Won't we need a bigger log?

Who's noah and who's noah's wife?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

Give us a kiss.

[ Making kissing noises ]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

If you notice, I've been practicing my ventriloquism so I can talk while we're kissing.

That's great.

All right, all the animals seem to be aboard except the unicorn.

Go find two unicorns.

[ Makes baaing noise ]

Look -- look at the sheep with a cone attached to its head.

He's trying to fool us.

Good enough.

Get it on.

Oh, that's thunder.

Kimberly: boom! That time it was.

It was.

We've got them all.

We better hurry.

The wind is picking up.

[ Making wind blowing noises ]

I hope that's the wind.

Quick -- onto the log! Don't sit on any of the animals.

Ashley: meow! Woof! You can't sit anywhere without -- oh, no, what are you -- oh, my god! It's floating off by itself.

We have no way of getting away now.

Look -- that! [ Makes grunting noise ]

What is that?

No, I meant the thing beside it.

This is never going to work.

I guess we're going to die.

Well, that seems awfully harsh.

I guess it's the way the lord intended it, right, my lord?

[ Ashley using a gruff voice ]

Yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you so very much.

Thank you.

I especially enjoyed the voice of god.

[ Gruff voice ]

Hey, what's going on down there?

So let's move on to a game called -- I'm just warming you up 'cause now you have to do the "irish drinking song" with the help of laura hall on the piano.

Of course, how could I miss you with that top you're wearing?

Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.

Liberace's sister.

[ Audience boos ]

I'm sorry.

Are the liberaces here tonight?

Jeez.

Oh, man.

What, do you know him?

Quiet down.

What I need from this section over here is something or somebody you'd really love to be.

Man: drew carey! Woman: god! Drew carey.

All right.

Remembering who signs the checks around here, let's hear the irish drinking song about drew carey.

All: oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di oh, if I were drew I'm handsome as a god I would be so happy my face looks like a cod all the women love me and all the guys do, too everybody loves me ha ha ha ha! Oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I think I'll go and get a show I'm very successful, you know?

I'll take my glasses off right now and look at me -- I glow I'll get some laser surgery I'll make everyone laugh I'll run around with my clothes off ha ha ha ha ha ha oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I'm generous to a fault giving my money away I throw it by the bucket full hey, there's some right today here, all of my friends come live in my house hey, come on now, you we're all hung like a mouse all: oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I'll give them all a raise now and then I'll hug them and then I'll say, "you're lovely" I'll never, never bug them I'll give them all my cars I'll let them sleep in my beds 'cause I'm the greatest boss there is I'll rub colin's head oh, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di oh, di, de, di, de, di, de di, de, di, de, di that was great.

We'll be right back with more "whose line.

" Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner -- colin mochrie.

Colin mochrie is the winner.

I don't know how it happened either.

Some kind of mix-up.

He's going to sit at the desk and rex, and the rest of us are going to do "props" for you.

That's for you and ryan.

Seriously?

This is for me and ryan.

That's for you guys.

I have 100 ideas for both of them, but, oh, well.

What we have to do is we have to go back and forth and think of as many ideas as we can using these props, starting with wayne and chip.

[ Buzzer ]

If we were thinner, we'd be dry.

[ Buzzer ]

Rose, rose, I my heart will go on! [ Buzzer ]

[ Makes neighing noises ]

[ Makes g*nf*re noises ]

[ Buzzer ]

Today's show brought to you by the number eight.

[ Buzzer ]

And there's your cotton candy.

[ Buzzer ]

I wonder what it's like up there on the land.

[ Buzzer ]

To leave now [ silence ]

While I make the butter.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Both making animal noises ]

[ Buzzer ]

Uh, what's up, doc?

[ Buzzer ]

Oui, I am from france.

[ Buzzer ]

I hope you like this ring.

It's one carrot.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, we'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight colin and chip are going to read the credits for you.

I want you to read the credits as two chorus line girls in rehearsal bitching about their jobs.

Good night.

My dogs are barking.

I'm telling you, that dan patterson is after our jobs.

Oh, my god, bruce gowers.

Kick! Higher, higher! I got a cramp! Kim killingsworth said that I don't have to do this! Do the splits right now! Oh, dear -- ow! Oh, no, she's down, she's down! Get michelle pershing.

She knows what to do.