03x14 - January 4, 2001

[bunniefuu]

Drew: good evening.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- whipping up a storm -- greg proops.

Slightly cloudy with a chance of rain -- wayne brady.

Experiencing a cold front -- colin mochrie.

And hailstones the size of golf balls -- ryan stiles.

And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello! Thank you very much.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" Where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

The points are useless, like an l.

A.

Clippers ticket.

These guys are going to make everything up on the spot.

We give them points, we pick a fake winner at the end, and the winner gets to do something special with me at the end of the show.

It's great, 'cause, you know, I don't even hear the screams anymore.

Let's play a game called "superheroes.

" You ready?

This is for all four of you.

Come on up.

You're all going to act out a scene as unlikely superheroes.

Greg, you're going to start.

Ryan, colin, and wayne give each other their superhero name as they come in.

We need the name of an unlikely superhero.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Drew: what?

Super scooper.

Super scooper?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I just like that one.

What's the big crisis happening in the world today?

Man: too many doggie land mines.

Too many doggie land mines.

There's too many doggie land mines, super scooper.

What are we going to do?

Yes, in a world of poop, there's just one prooper.

I'm greg proops, the pooper scooper.

I'd better check my world crisis monitor.

Great leaping doggie mines! Sorry I'm late.

I didn't get -- oh, what is that?

Sorry.

I meant to warn you about that one.

I like to leave one around just to make things tough.

Thank gracious you're here drill sergeant boy.

[ In cadence ]

Sorry that I'm late today it's all right you're late today stepped in poo, hey, hey, hey I'll scrape it off, that's okay get down on the ground! Scoop up 20! Scoop up 20! Scoop up, scoop up, scoop up! There's too many doggie la-- sorry I'm late.

I just stepped in a poodle.

Thank god you're here wet t-shirt contest boy.

Move it over there! Move it over there! Move it back there! Let's move it down here! Work that pole! Work that pole! Ooh.

You call that a wet t-shirt?

Whoo! Ha ha ha.

Sorry I'm late.

I just stepped in shih tzu.

Thank goodness you're here gap ad kid.

Yep, I'm here.

You call that a commercial?

That's not a commercial! Kick that leg out three more times! Watch the poo! Watch the poo! Watch out for that one.

There's too many doggie land mines, gap ad kid.

Well, I don't know what we're going to do about it.

I'll go get some khaki.

I'll see you later.

Whoo! I'm glad that was -- oh, my.

That's shrinkage.

Oh, well.

Where are you from?

Idaho, sir.

Only two things come out of idaho.

What's that, sir?

Potatoes and more potatoes.

Get out of here.

Thank goodness that crisis is olved.

Is solved.

I've got to get to my cat box with the strainer.

See you next time.

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, I'll give you 1,000 points apiece for the zippers on your pants.

What's that about?

It's my tribute to michael.

Man.

Hey, man, we should all get zippers on our pants.

They don't let me around zippers.

Long story.

Here's my tribute to latoya.

Just getting a sh*t out, man.

Ha ha.

Oh, man.

Poor latoya just sitting at home, "I think I'll watch some 'whose line' tonight.

" [ Cries ]

Ha ha ha ha ha.

We're going to do a game called "film, tv, and theater styles" for ryan, colin, and wayne.

They're going to act out a scene, but they're going to have to adopt different styles of television or film or theater-type things that the audience is going to supply.

So if you could come up with some styles [ shouting suggestions ]

Soap opera, I got.

Lucy woman: "the prisoner"! Musical '50s musical, gotcha.

p*rn.

Woman #2: marionette.

Marionette, martial arts, barney.

What?

"Dirty dancing.

" I thought you said "dirty nancy.

" Okay, that's -- that's enough.

You're going to start with the scene as normal, and I'll buzz in with styles.

Ryan, you're an android from the future, and you have come back to warn hot dog vendor colin, the chosen one, that evil android wayne is on a mission to k*ll him.

So go ahead and start.

Hot dogs, hot dogs, get your hot dogs here.

May I have one of your tasty pork tubage?

How about a hot dog?

That would be fine.

Hey! [ Buzzer ]

Drew: "I love lucy.

" [ Beeping ]

[ In cuban accent ]

How many times I got to tell you, don't be putting it's making me sick.

Sick, I tell you, rick.

Oh I am here to eliminate you, you pork tubage man.

[ Buzzer ]

Sorry.

Uh soap opera.

Wayne: you -- you are the chosen one.

After I went down in that plane in grenada and my twin sister turned out to be my twin brother jethro, I knew that I had to come back to k*ll you to get the child that is really me.

I'm your brother.

I should have warned you about him.

I'm pregnant.

[ Buzzer ]

Drew: barney.

Wayne: I'm gonna k*ll you, run from me I'm gonna take you to the future, you see with a g*n, gonna sh**t you wait a minute.

How can you take him to the future, barney?

Is that possible?

Huh?

Theoretically.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

[ Buzzer ]

Martial arts film.

Wayne: are you going to come willingly?

Waah! Oof! You've only gotten one of my hearts.

Prepare.

Hyah! Stand aside.

I'll use these wieners as nunchakus.

Aah! [ Buzzer ]

Drew: '50s musical.

Sorry about that.

Didn't mean to hit you with the wiener.

Hey, are you coming with me, or are you staying with him?

'Cause you got to choose.

[ Buzzer ]

Th that was great.

Hey, don't go away.

R ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Right after this.

Welcome back.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

", The second most popular show on abc where the title asks a rhetorical question.

[ Laughter ]

Let's play a game called "hats.

" Colin and ryan, come get a box of hats.

Greg and wayne, come get a box of hats.

Colin and ryan, greg and wayne.

The idea of this game is to go back and forth as quick as you can and make up examples of the world's worst dating service video.

Uh, start with colin and ryan whenever you guys are ready.

[ Laughter ]

It's a footlong.

[ Buzzer ]

I'm into safe sex.

[ Buzzer ]

I'm the frog formerly known as prince.

[ Buzzer ]

Giddyup! [ Buzzer ]

Woman: whoo! Sometimes I'm cold, sometimes I'm hot, but right now I'm just right.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Buzzer ]

Uh, yes, little puritan, you'll want to give thanks after.

[ Buzzer ]

Want to know why they call me the rock?

[ Buzzer ]

All the better to eat you with.

[ Buzzer ]

Baby hungry.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, ho! It's backwards! It's on backwards.

What are you laughing at, soldier?

[ Buzzer ]

There I blow! [ Buzzer ]

I'm into the b-52's.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Wolf whistle ]

As a police officer from san francisco [ buzzer ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much.

50,000 Points apiece.

I can go a little overboard.

I'm using "I can't believe they're not points!" A lot less filling than regular points.

Let's play a game now called "greatest hits.

" This is for colin, ryan, and wayne, with laura hall and linda taylor.

Colin and ryan are tv pitchmen talking about the latest compilation album, and wayne is going to try to sing the songs that these guys are going to make up.

What I need from the audience is a profession in which you wear a uniform.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

Clown.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

Scoutmaster.

The name of your album is "songs of the scoutmaster.

" Take it away whenever you're ready.

We'll be right back to our documentary "ex-men -- the story of transsexuals" in just a second.

But first, have we got a deal for you! Hey, col, are those badges you're wearing?

Why, yes, they are.

I got them from scoutmaster jim.

You were a cub scout?

Sure.

I would have never thought that.

Yeah.

This one here looks like a 2-cd set.

What could that mean?

That means we have a special deal for you, offering a 2-cd set -- "songs of the scoutmaster"! As you know, I grew up on a little island called jamaica, until I had to leave because of a horrible dreadlock accident.

I still can't talk about it.

[ Jamaican accent ]

It's okay, man.

Thank you for that.

But when I was there, I listened to the music of jimmy cliff.

One of my favorite jimmy cliff songs was the wonderful "be prepared, 'cause I don't know what's going on.

" Yeah, yeah come, now [ sings in foreign language ]

I want to tell you something now yeah yeah whoa, oh now, you think you come on this trip it's a joke you, like, start scratchin' you're in poison oak oh, you try to scream -- see what I mean?

But I was the smart one, I brought bactine oh, I always come prepared yeah I always come prepared now, now he was runnin', didn't catch a hint fell off of a canyon he didn't have a splint no, no his leg, just lookit he fell 50 feet now he walkin' like this -- it's crooked he wasn't prepared no, no, no, no, he wasn't prepared I was -- hey, hey! Now you see, when you're prepared there's no disaster that you can't face when you're a big scoutmaster oh, listen to me as the scoutmaster get down I think it's good, but I'd rather be a clown oh, yeah oh, yeah oh yeah wow! That's intense.

Hey, how much would you pay for a 2-cd album like this?

I work for the company, so I grab all the free ones.

Oh, I'm sorry.

$35.

95.

That's right! You know, colin, you may like that kind of music, but I like the music I heard growing up -- electric blues.

And none is more popular than that hit that was on top of the charts for 15 weeks -- "it's a bear -- you're on your own.

" Whoo I want to welcome everybody out to the shady lane forest.

I'm 'bout to bust it down for y'all one time.

Oh, don't turn around! Ha ha! Now listen to me something while I'm smoking on a stogie oh, my goodness, turn around that sure ain't yogi -- it's a bear yeah, it's a bear now, let me tell you something bears are big, I don't like they might bite you especially if they're from the klondike I don't do it, I don't dare turn around it's big, it's furry, and it's a bear it's a bear -- babe, you're on your own while you're getting eaten, I'm going to take my butt home it's a bear, yeah, and you're on your own yeah, now, what's that sound?

That's you screamin' screamin' when the bear tears you, tears you rips out all your hair it's a bear, yeah, and you're on your own see you later.

Ha ha ha.

Whoo! Ha ha ha! [ Applause ]

You know, colin, I go out in the country sometimes.

I go once in a while to a bluegrass festival, where everybody relaxes and listens to that beautiful music.

And none more is more beautiful -- I'm a little -- I guess you didn't get a badge for speaking! [ Laughter ]

You may love that bluegrass crap and I do! But me, I'm a rocker.

Well, mostly.

Sometimes.

And one of my favorite bands is limp bizkit.

It is! Is it, indeed?

It is -- which, I remember that nickname.

Well, anyway, one of my favorite scoutmaster songs that they do, of course, is "k*ller jamboree.

" Let -- let me tell you something what?

What?

Come on come on, now I did it all for the scoutmaster the scoutmaster, the scoutmaster I did it all for the scoutmaster the scoutmaster, the scoutmaster you got to listen to something so what does it, see?

What the hell is a jamboree?

Let me tell you something, man, I'm smothering it's one of the scouts' celtic gatherings they come, and they want to roast marshmallows the scouts sitting there and goodfellas on the stand what can I do?

What can I see?

For the jamboree, the jamboree! The jamboree, I did that crap for the jamboree! The jamboree, the jamboree! You know, you can't take that away from me the jamboree, the jamboree! I did that stuff for the jamboree the jamboree, the jamboree! You can't take these badges away from me [ cheers and applause ]

We're going to see a commercial and come back and find out who the winner is on "whose line is it anyway?

" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner is wayne brady.

Yes! He gets to sit there in my warm sticky seat, and we're going to do a game for you called "world's worst.

" What's the world's worst thing we're coming up with?

The world's worst person to be stranded on a desert isle with.

Whew.

Hi.

Al gore, drew carey.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, one more time -- oh, hidy didy didy hidy hidy didy di [ buzzer ]

Look! There's a plane.

Let's hide.

[ Buzzer ]

And here's my ernest borgnine.

Hi! [ Mumbles ]

[ Buzzer ]

1,0002-1,000 3-1,000 Ollie, ollie, oxen-free! Oh, you're there.

[ Buzzer ]

No, I don't know where the others are.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

So, I said to regis, "I'm leaving the show.

" [ Buzzer ]

[ Wild cheers and laughter ]

I'm nikki, unh-unh I'm nikki, unh-unh I'm nikki [ buzzer ]

And now the poetry of alfred, lord tennyson.

"Half a league, half a league, half a league onward "into the valley of death rode the 500.

Forward through shock and shell" [ buzzer ]

Well, if you don't want to hear it, you don't have to be rude! And then I did a movie called "geppetto.

" This movie was -- [ buzzer ]

Oh, I'm sorry.

That has to be in the form of a question.

[ Buzzer ]

I made a thong out of bamboo.

[ Buzzer ]

Shark! No, I'm kidding.

Go back in, go back in.

Shark! [ Buzzer ]

I cut up the rubber raft and made a woman.

[ Buzzer ]

Okay, we'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back.

We're going to end the show with someone reading the credits -- ryan styles and greg proops.

Read the credits as two b-list celebrities hosting a pbs pledge night.

Take it away.

We'll see you again next time, folks.

Thanks for watching.

Hi.

I'm randy mantooth.

You might remember me from "emergency!" Hi.

I'm drew carey.

I had two shows at one time.

Those were great days, weren't they?

We need your donations for drew carey, and ryan stiles and colin mochrie and bruce ryan, steven blum.

Just send whatever you can -- if it's a dime, if it's a nickel -- just an old picture of drew.

We'll take anything.

We've got $1.

One whole dollar.