10x14 - Two-Timing Goldbergs

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Back in the ' s,
I was a boy who put it all

on the line romantically.

But now that I was kind of an adult

in kind of an adult relationship,

I didn't need to do that stuff anymore.

- Nice ketchup work.
- [Chuckles]

You really know your way
around a bottle of red.

Aww, look who knows
how to talk to a lady.

I used to be a tad
uncomfy around the gals,

but now complimenting
your condiment work

is as easy as breathing.

- Don't you carry an inhaler?
- You know it.

You and ragweed take
my breath away, girl.

- [Giggles]
- Yep, I was on cloud nine.

Every moment with Carmen felt like

a fantastical dance number.

♪ Ohhh, yeah ♪

♪ Dance all night ♪

♪ Never gonna stop ♪

♪ We'll be groovin'
till the break of dawn ♪

♪ Hey, dance all night ♪

♪ Doo-doo-da da-da-doo ♪

Johnny: Goldnerd! [Snapping fingers]

Goldnerd! What the hell, bro?!

Stop getting freaky with the mop.

Sorry, I was in a semi-fugue state

dreaming about my special lady.

- Nancy Reagan?
- No.

Poetess Maya Angelou?

- What?
- Leslie Nielsen?

It's Carmen, my girlfriend!

- Yeah, I don't think so, man.
- We're literally dating,

and you think white-haired
actor Leslie Nielsen

is a more likely
romantic partner for me?

Tennis legend Billie Jean King?

Yep, BJK. You got me.

It was useless... I would
always be a romantic at heart.

Which meant it was time to
celebrate our relationship,

no matter how small the reason.

Oh, don't worry.

I won't peek at the special surprise

someone's making his mamaaaa!

- [Chuckles]
- None of this is for you.

- And why would it be?
- Because it's Mother's Day.

No, it's not.

It's a random Tuesday in February.

Well, every day should be Mother's Day.

We only created the entire world.

You certainly created
this awkward moment.

- And these are for Carmen.
- Really?

You're still seeing that girl, huh?

For the millionth time, yes.

So what's it gonna be this time?

A standard "Say Anything" boombox

followed by a trellis
climb for a PG-rated smooch?

You don't know all my moves!

But basically, yeah.

It's our "one month-iversary."

Month-iversary?!

Plus I rented a tux, and
I'm putting the final touches

on a patented Adam Goldberg mixtape!

Why are you crying?

I just remember when you
were so teeny and innocent

and didn't like strange local women.

I'm taking this upstairs.

But I love you! I've always loved you!

Okay, how do you turn
this thing on from here?

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic ed.com -

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was February nd, -something,

and Erica was preparing to introduce

the newest member of the Goldbergs

to the one person who hadn't met her...

Erica's best friend, Lainey Lewis.

Okay, I need to get this right.

With the hat or without the hat?

I think you're putting too much
emphasis on appearances, Erica.

It's just been a while since
Lainey's come back from LA.

I want our baby to
make a good impression.

Get the tiny sunglasses.

It's true, she's a fox.

Good luck, boys in years.

years!

Or whenever. I'm a chill dad.

I'm just saying, Lainey
has a rock 'n roll life,

and I'm a full-time mom.

Our lives couldn't be more different.

Please, she's probably
wallowing in misery like you.

Like me? And why would she be wallowing?

Because her spirit has been crushed

since Barry went back to
the girlfriend dealership

- and upgraded his model.
- [Doorbell rings]

- [Lainey and Erica squeal and laugh]
- It's so great to see you!

Oh, you, too!

What a fun, screechy reunion.

I was not met with
that level of enthusiasm

when I scooped her at the airport

in the dead center of the work day.

[Chuckles] Yeah, Dad's here, too.

Now where's that
little beam of sunshine?

Auntie Lainey, meet Muriel.

Oh, my God. [Sighs]

This is the cutest child
who ever walked the earth.

Oh, she's actually not walking yet.

The doctor said it's totally normal,

no matter how many times I ask him.

Lainey Lewis.

And your father, Mr. Bill Lewis.

Hello to both of you.

Hi, Bar. Is that a giant chocolate kiss?

'Tis. Been working it all day.

Wanted to bloat up so
not to look too attractive

for my old flame.

Look at that, it worked.

It's also out of respect

to my former lover's father.

I'm no thr*at to your baby girl.

The brown ring around your
lips tells the story, son,

but thanks for the words.

Maybe I'll just swing by later, Erica.

But we have so much to catch up on.

Bye, kiddo. Move out as
soon as you can, 'kay?

I guess I'll just use
the restroom at home.

Ciao!

- Y'know, that reminds me...
- [Door closes]

I, too, should mosey on out
of here in a casual fashion.

Take that the completely
innocent way it is intended.

What you up to, Bar?

Conventional things.

Just going to meet Matt Bradley

so he can help me pick out
some jean shorts, you know.

- [Door closes]
- What a strangely exhausting three minutes.

- Hanky-panky!
- What?

An illicit entanglement is brewing

between Barry and Lainey!

No way. I know Lainey,

and she would never
make that mistake again.

For the third time.

I don't know, whenever Lainey's around,

Barry gets all weird.

He's Barry.

Weird is his natural state.

Plus, he's over Lainey.

I just don't see Barry
ever fully moving on.

Where is all this coming from?

Okay, one, Barry is on
record saying that jean shorts

are the uniform of "half-men."

Two, Barry would never
go to Matt Bradley

for advice about anything,

and three, Matt Bradley is out of town!

Even if Barry was dumb enough
to go back down that road,

there is no way that Lainey would.

If she was even thinking
about it, she'd tell me.

- I'm her best friend!
- Maybe.

But there are two words she
hasn't shared with you...

- hanky-panky.
- Oh.

As Geoff worried that Barry and Lainey

were falling back into a romance,

my mom was worried about
my romance with Carmen.

Adam and that Carmen
are moving way too fast.

I thought we were discussing
my recent health scare,

but let's pivot to you.

I mean, his little heart
is just so sensitive.

What if she rejects
him? It'll crush him.

He does seem like a person who's
been shielded by someone

from experiencing most things

- any adult would have by now.
- [Laughs]

- [Gasps] Ginzy!
- Hm?

That Carmen is here, and
she's with another man!

[Gasps] Really?

Okay, here's what we're gonna do...

Assume the best and
mind our own business?

You're gonna work your
way over to their table.

Be invisible and totally forgettable...

[gasps] just like that!

Yes! [Breathes sharply]

You're gonna spy on them and
write down everything they say.

Beverly, part of the reason

that I asked you for coffee today

is I wanted to say that I
no longer want to be roped

into Goldbergs hijinks and shenanigans.

Go-go-go-go-go-go-go!

♪

Oh! [Laughs] Excuse me.

I just accidentally bumped into you

and started this conversation.

I... I just gotta get to the men's room.

[Laughs] You're funny,

and I've disarmed you by
giving you a compliment.

Now, is that your sister you're with?

What? Oh, uh, no.

Cousin? Landlord?

Some woman you found
confused on the street,

and you're buying her coffee? What?

We're on a date, if you must know.

Oh, you mean like a platonic
work date with no feelings?

Uh, a date date.

That two-timing hussy!

I'm so confused right now.

Well, nobody cares. Just... get...

As my mom raced off to stop
me from my grand gesture...

I will protect my baby!

... across town, Geoff
was looking for evidence

- of two-timing of his own.
- Oh, weird. Look who it is!

Geoffrey Olivia Schwartz,

did you use putting our baby to sleep

as a way to get me to spy on Barry?

I know something's going on!

I can just feel it!

Look, he's stopping at
that cheesesteak place.

You know Lainey loves cheesesteaks.

This is dumb.

I brought my birding binoculars.

- And it gets dumber.
- Look!

He's getting two cheesesteaks!

We have to follow that cheese.

Should we have disguises, too?

Way ahead of you.

Let my mom's gardening hats

and my dad's cataract
shades camouflage us!

♪

- Our marriage is weird.
- Mm.

And so, they followed
Barry all over town.

Until they ended up here.

He's turning towards that house.

Wait, that's Lainey's house!

♪

Oh!

♪

I can't believe it.

Barry and Lainey...

Oh, why did you make me know this?!

While my sister and
Geoff were getting closer

to the truth about Barry,

I was about to tell Carmen
how truly close to her I felt.

- Stop!
- Mom!

What the hell are you doing?

Protecting you!

The grand gesture... abort, abort!

This is way too far.

I know you don't like Carmen, but...

- Adam, I saw her on a date.
- A date?

You must have misunderstood.

I'm telling you, it's true.

Look, I appreciate your concern,

but I'll just talk to
Carmen and clear this up.

- Go home.
- But, Schmoopie Poopie...

Go!

- Was that your mom?
- Yeah.

She just was freaking out because, um,

she thought she saw you on
a date with some other guy.

Oh. [Chuckles] She saw us?

That's awkward.

So then, you were on a date?

Yeah, but, I mean, it's okay,

'cause you and I are casual, right?

[Laughs] Oh, definitely! Casual!

Wait, why do you have roses?

And what's the cassette?

These roses are... for Carla!

She's had a hard time lately.

Awww. I can totally sell these.

And the mixtape is... for Johnny!

- Friendship mix!
- How much Rush is on here?

Somewhere between zero and none.

You don't know me at
all! Friendship rejected!

You... weren't about to do
some big romantic thing for me?

'Cause I don't want
things to be weird for you,

and if they are, then maybe we should...

Nope! Not weird.

Look, if you can't handle
a casual relationship...

Oh, I can handle casual.

If anyone can be
casual, I can be casual.

♪

I can't be casual, Mama!

Don't worry, baby. Mama will protect you

from the nuanced adult relationship.

♪

Erica and Geoff had caught
Barry doing... something,

and Erica was pretty worked up

to nail down what it was.

I can't believe it.

If Lainey is having
an affair with Barry,

why wouldn't she tell me?

Isn't it more important that
he's cheating on my sister?

Sure. She's not one of us, though.

She's the aunt to your child.

Yeah, through marriage, I guess.

- [Doorbell rings]
- Oh, it's Lainey.

I need to get to the bottom of this.

- Now hide!
- Hide?

Yes. This is the kind of thing

only best friends confide in each other!

- Oh!
- Now go!

- Heyyy!
- Hey there [chuckles] best friend,

no matter what other things

have transpired in our lives.

How are things going, huh?

Oh, come on, let's get caught up.

Spill our darkest secrets.

I wish I had some dark secrets to spill.

I feel like I've been so boring lately.

Look, I'd like to think
that you'll always be

the one person I can trust...

who I can confess anything to.

Aww, of course you can, Erica.

I'm so glad to hear that. [Chuckles]

I've been thinking
about cheating on Geoff.

- You?
- What?

I think about being with
another man constantly.

Where I'd meet the guy,
what hotel we'd go to...

the Bay Breeze Inn off .

It's close, but also out of the way.

Um, I'm not sure how to respond.

The appropriate response
would be to admit

that you've had some similar feelings

and/or participated in any
infidelities of your own?

- Uh...
- Because I think about cheating

- on Geoff all the time.
- [Whispering] What?

I imagine a strange
man's hands in my hair,

on my body, whispering in my ear.

Do you judge me or do you kinda get it?

You guys seem so happy together.

No one can know the
heart of another, right?

Which is why I don't know
yours... so use your words.

- Any hanky-panky going on?
- Hanky-panky?

If I were cheating on Geoff,

you'd be the first person I told.

No detail would be spared.

So spill it.

- I mean, actually...
- Yes?

[Sighs] I was waiting for
the right moment to tell you

Steve and I broke up recently,
so there's no one to cheat on.

It's been really lonely.

- Has it?
- Yes.

And I'm still upset, too.

But I'm really worried
about you right now.

So let me just get us
some tea and let's dig in.

Just know I care about you, okay?

Well, I care about you, too.

Almost as much as I
want to cheat on Geoff!

[Chuckles]

♪

What in the actual [bleep]?!

You wanted the truth,
right? Well, we got it!

The only truth I've
found out is that my wife

would be great at having an affair!

C'mon! Lainey and Steve broke up.

She's been lonely. The pieces fit.

- I think you were right.
- Oh, poor Joanne.

I've gotta tell her.

No, she will hate you forever.

There's only one way to let her know...

get her to stumble
onto the crime herself.

Oh, that's incredibly harsh.

It's the only way.

Okay, just promise me you'll
never go to that Bay Breeze Inn.

- That filthy dump? [Scoffs] Never.
- What?

- Or anywhere else, obviously.
- [Scoffs]

While Geoff and Erica had
clarity about Barry and Lainey,

Carmen had left me very confused.

Casual?

I mean, I'm a guy

who goes from intense
monogamous relationship

to intense monogamous relationship,

like a normal person!

Are you sure this woman is for you?

She doesn't seem to understand

how special my perfect little angel is.

Look, I have to grow up sometime, Mom,

and I really like Carmen.

So if she wants to be non-exclusive,

I guess I'm just gonna
have to figure out how.

If I may remind you,
you happen to be the son

of the greatest Yenta
the world has ever known.

I don't think I've ever
said this to you before,

but I like the way you're thinking.

If my handsome little man
needs to be non-exclusive,

we're gonna show her how
non-exclusive he can be.

It's matchmaking time!

♪

- My mom pulled out all the stops.
- Beverly. [Laughs]

She used the phone, the Rolodex...

obvious choices, less obvious choices.

♪

She left no stone unturned
to find me a perfect match.

So, what are we working with?

Lay it on me. Who's lining
up for a dose of Vitamin A?

Lotta interest, um,

but I think this might
not be dating season.

Dating season?

You know how many ladies
like to go away on vacation

at the end of February.

Oh, my God. Nobody wanted
to go out with me, did they?

You're a bit of a tough sell.

You put off going to college,

you're working part-time in a diner,

you're living at home,

and it does not sweeten the pot

that you're currently
seeing someone else

in a non-exclusive sitch.

Now, the only one that might
be a possibility is Essie,

but she said she'd have to think on it.

This is a nightmare!

It's tearing me apart

that the world can't see my boy

for the hot property he is,

even though, in this moment,

to all appearances,
it seems like you're a loser.

- Thank you?
- I'll just have to go to Carmen

and let her know we're
ready to be exclusive.

- "We"?
- Then point out all the amazing things

she'll be missing if she doesn't accept

a committed relationship from you.

No. I have to prove to
her that I can be casual.

And how are you supposed to do that?

You're the master of the grand gesture.

I can't tell you how
many I've seen from afar

and wished I was the girl in the window.

Yes! Your horrifying and
possibly criminal revelation

has given me an idea!

You run away to the Dominican Republic

- and start fresh?
- So far from that.

But what if I did something bold

to prove to her how chill I am?

You mean like a classic
Adam Goldberg grand gesture,

- but... of casualness?
- Exactly.

That is the most brilliant
thing I've ever heard,

and I'm certain I'm not being
blinded by a mother's love

and desperation for you
to never feel rejection.

- Go to her.
- I will!

But, like, not in a rush.

Also, I was sugarcoating it.

It was a hard no from Essie.

As I was off to show Carmen
how chill I could be,

Geoff and Erica's
investigation was heating up.

- Jo Jo! Over here!
- Oh!

Ooh! What's going on?

Geoff said you were having
a fashion emergency, Erica?

There's no fashion emergency, Joanne.

Sure, if you say it, then it's true.

Look, you're here because
we have something upsetting

to show you.

We're sorry, but my brother's

having an affair with Lainey.

Puh-leeze. I'll believe
that when I see it.

Barry's in there right now
with Lainey. We saw him go in.

But he just told me he was
going to the library to study.

That in itself should've
been a big clue.

Hey, guys.

- Gah!
- Lainey?!

Why are you talking
behind the Metcalfs' hedge?

Wait, but if you're not in
there, what's Barry doing?

Barry and Bill: Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

- What the hell?
- Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

- Barry?!
- Ca... Huh?

Ah! This isn't what it looks like, baby!

I honestly have no
idea what it looks like.

As things with Barry developed
an unexpected wrinkle,

I was ready to iron things out

with Carmen... casually, of course.

[In distance] ♪ Round and
round, round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

- ♪ All through the town ♪
- [Breathes sharply]

♪

- [Music continues]
- Adam?

♪ The wipers on the bus go... ♪

- [Clicks, music stops]
- Heyyy! [Chuckles]

I was just wandering
through your neighborhood,

and I'd like to make clear...

walking, not running, and
absolutely not in the rain.

What's with the step stool?

See, normally when I'm dating someone,

I'll scale a trellis
to their bedroom window.

But as we are both being casual,

thought it seemed a little much.

So instead, I brought a step stool

to chat with you near your toilet.

Wanna explain the boombox?

Usually that'd be playing
a Peter Gabriel ballad,

but since we're in a non-exclusive,

super-laid-back thing,

I'm playing "The Wheels on the Bus."

So you came to my window with
a step stool and a boombox

to profess your [Chuckling] ability

to be in a casual relationship?

♪

Adam...

[Sighs] Yeah, it's not great.

[Sighs]

The truth is, I'm not built
for a casual relationship.

I like you... a lot.

And I don't want to play
it cool or see other people.

I want to jump in, cast
caution to the wind,

and see where we land.

♪

It's just who I am. [Breathing quickly]

Sorry I made it weird.

Unfortunately, that's also who I am.

♪

[Breathes deeply]

Adult Adam: So it turned out Barry

wasn't having an affair with Lainey,

but he did have a secret
relationship with her dad, Bill,

which left us with even more questions.

It all started the day of
the Eagles-Cowboys game.

We were both going to a bar

'cause we had no one
to watch the game with.

So Bill suggested we
go back to his house

so we can enjoy it together.

And to our surprise, we
had a magical day together.

We both thought it was a one-time thing,

but, dammit, we could not
get enough of each other.

- It just felt too good.
- So good.

After a while, we'd
watch any random sport

as an excuse to spend time together...

handball, badminton, water polo.

We even watched Olympic
women's Ping-Pong.

It was like a drug.

We started to build up
our own private jokes,

traditions, and superstitions...

So that's what we just saw?

I know we're caught,
but I'd do it all again

- a million times over.
- Me too.

Why'd you hide it?

Truthfully, we knew it wouldn't last.

- I mean, we have nothing in common.
- No.

Maybe you have more in
common than you think.

You're both missing
someone in your lives

you used to share sports with.

- Dad.
- Mur-man.

And in some twisted way, this
is how you're dealing with it.

Dad and I used to share
the lows and extra lows

of Philadelphia sports together.

[Sighs] Mur and I could
sit together for hours

and not say a thing,

unless my Cowboys were
playing his Eagles.

Then he would insult my
family, my honor, my body shape.

I loved it so much.

I guess it's over now.

Don't be stupid.

You can still hang out.

[Scoffs] Boys are so dumb.

You mean...?

Gentlemen sports-time is back on!

And no longer in the shadows!

- Oh.
- Together: Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

- [Both laugh]
- Maybe a little shadow wouldn't hurt.

Speaking of, you thought
I was cheating with Barry?

I know it's ridiculous,

but I feel like our lives
are so different now...

Maybe you wouldn't tell me.

Are you kidding? I
would tell you anything.

You're my best friend.

♪

While Barry and Bill took
their weird man crush

out of the shadows,

my future with Carmen
was nothing but darkness.

Hey, Schmoo, I've got
some Rice Krispie Treats

if you're interested.

Thanks, but I'm not really in
the mood for snackies right now.

I know this didn't go the
way you wanted it to, sweetie,

but it's always more mature

to just show people who you really are.

Well, the real me is
gonna be sad for a while.

I know you don't care what I think,

but I love the real you.

[Sighs]

[In distance] ♪ The wheels on
the bus go round and round ♪

- What's that?
- ♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round... ♪

- [Button clicks, music stops]
- Carmen?

Hey. I was just in the neighborhood,

decided to swing by, all casual-like.

I'll come down.

[Sighs]

You know, I have never had
a guy show up to my window

with a step stool and
a boombox like that.

Really? You should have a million guys

outside your window.

Not a million. The appropriate amount.

Why don't you talk now?

And the reason I wanted
to draw the line at casual

is 'cause I just got
out of a relationship,

and I'm [breathes deeply]
not ready to be hurt again.

- I get it.
- The thing is...

I know you are not the kind
of guy who's going to hurt me.

So...

we can be exclusive
and see where it goes.

I think I can make that work.

♪

[Laughs] You think
you could still show me

what an Adam Goldberg
grand gesture is like?

I would love to.

- ["Can't Hardly Wait" plays]
- [Chuckles]

Adult Adam: Relationships
can be complicated.

Just when you think you're
getting close to someone,

they can pull away.

♪ Lights that flash in the evening ♪

But as long as you show
people who you really are,

you'll find even casual acquaintances

can become like family.

- Whoo!
- Touchdown!

♪ I can't hardly wait ♪

So, your incredibly specific tale

of infidelity got me thinking.

You're not the only one who
can spin a convincing yarn

about a torrid dalliance.

Alright. Get whatever
this is out of your system.

I'm just saying, I, too,
know an out-of-the-way motel

where the touching of
non-wives may occur.

Oh, no. I feel super threatened.

That's right. I would do some touching.

- Could you possibly be more specific?
- Happily.

Know that said touching
would be the touching

- of an unfamiliar female person...
- Uh-huh.

And perhaps, if her hands are clean,

underneath this rugby shirt.

You're incredibly bad at this.

Please never leave me.