My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Good morning, Stoolbend!
Oh, and good morning to you!
I cause cancer.
Now, let's see what's going on at the Browns' house.
I'm the moon.
Mom!
You having a nightmare?
!
No.
But what were you gonna never mind.
Check it out.
The day is here.
I'm tall enough to ride the Eliminator, the scariest rollercoaster there is.
Fine, we'll go to Krazy Kingdom this weekend.
Now I got to get back before Cleveland realizes I'm not in bed.
Donna!
?
Donna!
?
I'm trapped inside the duvet cover!
Junior, you're late for breakfast.
And you should probably skip breakfast.
Sorry, Dad.
Little preoccupied.
Got a big report due in Social Studies.
Really?
What is it?
Well, the topic is, "What Makes an American?
" So, I wanted to write about a great American You.
You want to profile me?
!
Excuse me.
My pancake!
Come on, Junior, I'm granting you total access to my life.
Donna, give him your pass.
See your badge?
Come on, Eddie, you know me!
Can't let you in without a badge.
That's cool, I get it.
so instead of me repeating eighth grade, we moved.
Did you remember to describe my youth as hardscrabble?
Hardscrabble.
Yeah.
Dad, what are you doing?
Enjoying the best part of my job, other people's couches.
You down with OPC?
Sure, whatever.
Pants off, Junior.
This is America.
Get all this down.
My fellow American citizens and I are discussing the important issues of the day.
Let's just say that I have it on very good authority that Justin Long should be named Justin Wide.
Called it.
Freedom of speech.
This is what our descendants fought for.
Should we sing the National Anthem?
I pledge allegiance To the flag Da da da da da da da Da da da da da da da da U-S-A!
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Hello down there, my tiny friends.
Guess which one of us has grown tall enough to ride the Eliminator?
I don't know, Rajon Rondo?
He seems pretty tall.
No, he said which one of us.
Oh, I thought he meant black people.
I'm talking about me.
I've been getting my eight hours and drinking my milk.
Mama's taking me to Krazy Kingdom this weekend!
Rallo, would you take my frog, Mr.
Ribbit, with you up on that roller coaster?
I want to see if his eyes pop at that altitude.
I will take him in the name of science.
Now make sure your moms brings the $65 for the souvenir photo at the end of the ride.
Of course!
That's the most important part!
I already know the face I'm gonna make.
Hey, y'all.
Just humbly returning home from my all-American work day.
Hey, Junior, why don't you read us your report?
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, no, no, yeah, no.
Uh, no.
Come on, let's hear it.
Mom, Dad, time for the report about me!
Excuse me, pardon me, sorry.
Makin' us wait on the porch just for a ridiculous entrance.
You may begin, Junior.
Fine.
"What Makes an American.
" Mm Corners cut.
Promises broken.
Allegiance pledged only to selfish instincts.
This is a day in the life of my father, a typical American.
Let's see where he's going with this.
As he shovels down junk food Well shows no respect for his work and spends the day in a drunken stupor Libel.
my father is America: wasteful, gluttonous, and self-satisfied, with no sense of purpose.
In summation, mm-mm-mm.
Lavar, your son just got his ass blasted!
Sit down!
Cleveland, are you all right?
Fine.
I'm fine.
You're fat!
You're all fat!
Da da da da You dropped a b*mb on me Junior You dropped a b*mb on me I I.
.
I I I had seven tacos.
Oh, here come Ol' Dixie!
Why, why, why Oh.
Oh, look, a burrito!
Whoa, whoa, ah!
I think it's best if we all agree to keep the details of my accident strictly between us.
All right, here's the guy who fell off the toilet.
I don't want no scrubs!
Now, Cleveland, your case is an important learning opportunity for these interns.
You have a sustained abrasion of the nerve root at the cauda equina-- or, in layman's terms, a "poop chute bruise.
" Or we came up with some other good ones, too.
Uh, a "cracked cr*ck," "a heinous sprainus of the anus," "wrecked rectum," "pooper blooper," "spraint" That was yours, right?
Yes, sir.
Nice job.
You're a doctor now.
All right!
Vicodin for everybody!
May I leave now?
Oh, hold on, Cleveland.
Does anybody else have anything?
Uh, chocolate sore-butt?
You're fired.
No, wait, I just got that.
You're a doctor now, too.
Chocolate sore-butt!
Oh, I think that's my favorite.
Oh, that's rich.
Well, thank God the doctor said it wasn't serious.
I could've d*ed.
And Junior, I ask that you not include this embarrassing episode in your embarrassing report.
I'm not writing my report about you anymore, Dad.
I'm not really looking to remind people that we're related.
The teasing about your toilet accident, or "crapcident," has been, at best, unkind.
How did they even hear about it?
I mentioned it to everyone I know.
I also mentioned it to everyone I know.
And introduced myself to a few people just to tell them.
I tweeted it to my Well, falling off the toilet is nothing to be ashamed of, Junior.
Don't call me Junior.
From now on, my name is Carlton Brown.
Come on, step-siblings.
Don't worry, Cleveland.
Carlton will come around.
Who?
Oh, Carlton Brown.
He's just trying to get between me and my son, who I love and I want to be proud of me.
That I can't be the only one who's ever fallen off a toilet.
I'll prove it!
I wonder if my Match.
com profile's still up.
Hey, Roberta.
Gonna become a man this weekend.
What's that, Rallo?
Let me ask you something.
You're an experienced young woman.
You remember your first time?
What?
!
What makes you even think I had a first time?
Come on, I know you like to go fast.
Did you scream?
What?
!
When you were done, did you get right back on?
Rallo!
Did you take a picture?
Did anyone throw up on you?
Is it better in the front or in the back?
What face did you make?
Was there a long line?
Did you keep your eyes open the whole time?
Were you worried you were gonna get stuck?
How long did you think you were upside down?
That is my business and I am not talking about it!
Get out!
I'm not gonna tell anybody about my first roller coaster.
Thank you, diverse group of strangers, for agreeing to meet in my basement.
I have in my hand stolen hospital records, revealing that each of you, at one time, fell from a height of less than three feet, most likely from a seated position, with Us Weekly paper cuts on the upper thighs.
Que importa, so what?
!
Get to the point, ese!
Wha are you Hispanic?
Si what, I can't dress how I want?
The point is, I believe that every one of you fell off the toilet.
Well!
Oh, come on.
Sacre bleu!
Wait, now you're Oh, where was I?
Oh, yeah I fell off the toilet, too!
But if we all came forward, we could prevent others from suffering like we have.
And my son could be proud of me again.
Emmy.
So, who's willing to stand with me and become the face of toilet-related injuries?
!
Drop dead!
You're the only ignoramus dumb enough to fall off the john.
Oh, one thing, old-timer.
How exactly did you injure yourself?
Gay sex.
Good day!
Uncaring bastards!
Who was that?
The evil toilet industry.
Big Toilet?
Mm-hmm.
I called American Standard about making their toilets safer.
Those flush fat cats were not bowled over.
So, I plunged ahead and said, "Tanks for nothing, you pieces of.
" So what's the next b*at of this story?
Well, since I'm obviously alone in this, I am going to single-handedly make sure no one else suffers the indignity of injuring themselves while growling one out.
And by doing so, regain the respect of my son!
And that's just one of the uses for Formaldehyde.
Wow.
Whoa.
I can't believe this.
You're writing your report on Gus?
He's a very accomplished bartender and filmmaker.
Come on, Gus, what do you say we finish this report upstairs in my room?
Unfortunately, I can't handle stairs, for I have the knees of a cow.
But if you'd agree to carry me, Carlton Are you wrinkling up my Juicy pants?
!
Yeah.
'Cause I'm practicing up for that.
That's it!
My only poster!
Wheeeee!
This is wonderful!
We've been Katrina'd!
Junior, get in here and bring your notepad!
There's no one here by that name!
Carlton!
Coming!
Son, get ready to be proud of your father again.
The Toilet Bar.
Patent denied.
Check this out.
"Public Hearing, State Capitol, Toilet Safety Proposal?
!
" That's right.
I got it on the docket.
Called in a favor with my man Benson at the governor's office.
That's great, Cleveland.
Roberta, take your brothers, pack some overnight bags, and meet me at the car.
We're going to the amusement park a little early.
Are we there yet?
!
We're not in the car yet, Rallo.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Cleveland, the kids and I will be back whenever you stop acting the fool.
Donna!
Junior, don't leave!
Come with me to the hearing.
Don't you see?
I'm doing all this for you!
You're a sad weirdo.
Good riddance!
When I appear on the underperforming Piers Morgan Tonight, they'll rue the day they turned their backs on Cleveland Brown.
The bar has been raised.
And now, America, the bar has been lowered.
Wow.
That was ooh.
Wow.
This is Cleveland Brown.
I have sustained no injuries and have fallen zero times since docking was initiated.
The test of the Toilet Bar beta version was a complete success!
Now, to release the bar All right, design flaw.
No biggie.
Unfortunately, since I've been left alone indefinitely, I'll now be forced to break the prototype in order to free myself.
Wait a minute, let me try something.
Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
Dang.
I'm gonna die.
Help!
I'm stuck on a toilet because I built a defective toilet safety bar trying to prove to my son I'm not the idiot he said I was in his Social Studies report!
Also, Rallo wants to go on a roller coaster!
At last we meet, Eliminator.
My good man, I think you'll find everything's in order.
What are you doing?
Whew!
Sorry, little guy.
But I won't get my picture!
Hey, you might want to get him checked out, make sure he doesn't have that Webster thing.
What have I been saying?
!
I have now been sitting on this toilet for 25 hours, my second-longest time ever.
At this point, the only thing keeping me going is my toothpaste art.
Might as well sign it.
Holy frijole, that's it!
All right, Window, you don't like me and I don't like you.
But we gotta work together now, because this is the last chance I've got.
Godspeed, roll of toilet paper.
"Trapped in bathroom.
Clevela.
" Who in tarnation is Clevela?
!
You know who's good with puzzles and such?
Cleveland.
I'm gonna go ask him.
You gonna eat that?
Num-num-num-num-num Cleveland?
You in there?
Cleveland!
You in here, Cleveland?
Hello?
Oh, my God, Cleveland!
Do you know who Clevela is?
She's trapped in a bathroom, too!
Mr.
Brown, stay calm.
We'll have you out of here soon.
Please hurry, the bowl is almost full.
Step aside!
You're the cranky old gay sex guy from my basement!
I'll, uh, need a moment to assess Mr.
Brown's condition.
You built this yourself?
Yeah.
I thought I could help people, but like a redhead in a Playboy, I was no help at all.
Hey-- you have helped someone.
You've helped me.
Is that bruise shaped like-- A toilet seat.
That's right.
It wasn't gay sex.
We did everything but.
Then after they left, I slipped off the toilet, landed on my back, and hit my head.
Boy, did I feel stupid.
I was too ashamed to tell you before, but seeing you like this gives me courage.
I'm going to try to use my toilet again.
Chief, get me to the state capitol.
It's go time.
Are you sure you want to do this?
The whole city will see you!
They need to see!
If you had seen this before, you would've gotten the help you need!
On the wings of a porcelain eagle.
Whoa, slow down, Speed Racer!
Don't.
Just don't.
Uh, Mom?
You need to see this.
we are unsure if this is some form of protest, but the man is on his way to the state capitol building What is he doing?
!
He's on a flying toilet.
'Cause, you know, that's something that happens.
Onlookers have reported hearing the man shout the words "respect" and "teenage son" and "fat.
" But no one seems to know what this bizarre display could possibly mean-- I'll tell you what it means.
That man is risking his life so that I no longer need feel ashamed.
Toilet-Related Injury survivors, raise your hands!
Weird town.
We're going to the capitol to support Cleveland!
Come on, Carlton!
The name is Cleveland Brown, Junior.
I pray to God m*llitary jets are scrambling to sh**t him down.
Now, kids, remember Mama's high-speed chase that she was totally exonerated of because the police officer filled out the ticket wrong?
Buckle up.
I love my irresponsible mama!
I got my picturrrre!
"And though my father was only allowed to speak "for three minutes before the committee "ejected him in disgust "and though he was cited for public indecency he showed great courage and fought for what he believed in.
" That's what makes an American.
And that's what makes my dad my hero.
Cleveland Brown Jr.
, proud son of Toilet Man.