My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Wakey, wakey, sleepy baby.
You know what today is?
Oh, please, Lord, let it be the day you finally see a damn dentist.
Oh, no.
Once was more than enough.
Mr.
Brown, you need to start flossing.
Here, just gently glide this piece of floss between your It's September 27.
Don't tell me you've forgotten the anniversary of the single most important day in my life.
Oh, honey, I thought you forgot.
Forgot?
Never!
For it was exactly three years ago to the day that I gave up my lifelong dream of moving to L.
A.
and being a scout for the Dodgers so that I could stay here in Stoolbend with you.
Fetch my slippers, boo.
Hey, I've never seen this picture.
We look so young.
When did we take this?
Well, I'm off to work.
Oh, wait a minute.
This isn't what I do for a living.
Know why?
Because three years ago today, I gave up my dream so that a sad divorcée's two at-risk children could have a chance at their dreams.
Yeah, right.
My dream is to have a fat man lie on top of my mom every night.
What I do when your mother sleeps is my business.
Kids, mama's gonna do something extremely rash and spiteful without considering the consequences of her actions on her family.
Happy anniversary!
I got you a gift.
I'll give you a hint.
It's the dream you gave up for me.
I'm going back to The Family Guy?
I'm going to be on The Family Guy again?
No.
Look.
Donna!
I'm going to L.
A.
!
Bye-bye!
No, we're all going.
I felt so bad about all you've given up for us, so I called the Dodgers and convinced them to hire you as a scout-- don't ask me how-- and I quit our jobs, pulled the kids from school and rented the house to Reverend Jenkins.
And because he lay with an Olive Garden hostess, the reverend was cast from his home and forced to live in this furnished sublet with carpet stains, which he marked on the contract so he shall receive his full deposit!
Hallelujah!
Hollywood Dun, dun, dun Hollywood swinging.
Wow, this is just like Melrose Place.
The bad original, not the terrible remake.
Well, since you all did the packing, it's probably best that you do the unpacking.
I am off to the ballpark.
Today, I become a "Doyer.
" Trust me, we'll be back in Stoolbend as soon as Cleveland learns that being a scout is nothing like the romantic fantasy in his head.
Wow.
This is exactly like the romantic fantasy in my head.
Andre Ethier?
Here you go.
Hey, hey, aren't you a little old to be a rookie?
Rookie?
I don't think so, Ethier.
Coming at you, Matt Kemp.
Hey, he just needs to know if he should be worried about his job.
Ow!
Son of a bitch!
I'll sue you!
Get him!
Get him!
Get him!
Get that fat man off the field!
Get that fat fool!
Damn drunk fans, always running on the field during games.
But, Coach, I'm Cleveland Brown, your new scout!
Who?
Oh, yeah, Donna's husband.
Mmm.
Spitball, Donna.
Your office is with the rest of the scouts.
Now, get the hell out of here!
We got a game to play.
Don't you mean you've got a game to win?
Eh.
This place is gross.
This place is awesome.
Back home, I barely have any friends, but in Hollywood, I'll have super friends.
He's like Fat Frogger.
Whoa!
A dude peeing on Chuck Berry's star.
Karma.
Smile.
just took of Jillian Michaels.
$100?
Just for a picture of some crappy celebrity?
Hell, yeah!
Congrats, kid.
Come on, you're officially a member of the paparazzi.
Like on the pizza?
I'm kidding.
Like all unsupervised kids, I watch your show all the time.
Mama, stop.
A real-life, wealthy, Hollywood high school.
All my life, I thought the CW was lying to me about these places, but they were telling the truth.
There's the status-obsessed rich girl who's in love with the brooding artist.
And there's the math teacher who paid for that bookish freshman's abortion.
Which means I'm the new girl who's brought in to stir things up.
Stir that up, baby.
No, you listen to me.
My little Barron is turning five, and we need Wacky Willy to perform at his party.
Do you know who I am?
My husband is a mid-level studio executive.
Wacky Willy!
Wacky Willy!
All right, settle down.
Oh, hell, no!
Hey, you're good at that.
It's too bad you're not the most desired children's entertainer on the Westside who charges $2,000 for a half-hour performance.
$2,000?
!
I want her!
She can play "Old MacDonald.
" Of course I can.
I'm Donna.
Old MacDonna.
Old MacDonna!
Old MacDonna!
Shh, shh, shh.
I'm playing, I kind of hoped my office would be closer to the stadium.
Well, I hoped our new scout would be a talking pair of breasts.
You're salty.
Now, I need you to log 17,000 hours of Venezuelan high school baseball games.
They're on this computer tablet thingy.
We heard there's one kid who throws an okay slider.
Kid's last name is Ramirez or Hernandez or something r*cist.
I'm not going to lie to you-- it's mostly audio.
Well, at least the rooster speaks English.
No me gusta scouting.
What's everybody doing with assorted costumes and props and such?
I'm a paparazzo.
Tonight, I'm covering the Teen Mom Choice Awards.
if I bring him a sandwich and a change of underwear.
I'm about to tell Jenna and her boyfriend that they have the same dad and she and her dad have the same boyfriend.
And I'm a children's entertainer now.
Old MacDonna.
I just booked a birthday party for Arnold and his maid's kid.
You did?
Oh, baby, to be honest, I was skeptical about moving to L.
A.
, but look at us all happy and thriving out here.
Yay.
We're all living our dreams.
None of us cried all the way home.
I'm going to go be happy in my room.
Hooray!
Hey, new neighbor.
I'm Gina.
Hi.
My family just moved here.
I am called Cleveland.
I am a scout for the Dodgers.
Oh, I love baseball.
The hitting, the throwing, the umpires.
"You're out, Babe Ruth!
" I'm an aspiring actress, obviously.
Well, good luck succeeding in something that every mildly attractive former cheerleader thinks they have a sh*t at.
Aw, that's the nicest thing anyone in Los Angeles has ever said to anyone.
Good luck to you, too.
I'm going to need a lot more than luck.
Turns out my dream job is way different than what I thought it would be.
Well, don't give up on your dream.
Okay!
Thank you, wise, natural-chested neighbor.
"You're welcome!
" Don't give up on your dream, either.
Or do.
Do.
What?
You're too good to take a picture with Catwoman for five bucks?
Holy shoplifting, Batman!
And right in front of you guys, no less.
This is going to be epic.
Go get 'em, superheroes!
My heroes have lost their way.
The world needs heroes.
The world needs you.
So, who's with me?
Okay.
I'm in.
Sure.
Why not?
I don't know how to flush you!
Together, we will fight for justice in L.
A.
and beyond!
All right, scouts.
What do we think of that high school kid, Nate Schafer?
We project his BABIP to return to his mean, increasing his WARP by Can it, nerd.
Don't give up on your dream.
Gentlemen, I think I have what you're looking for.
I've discovered some players, who, with a little polish, I truly believe could be difference makers.
Introducing Joey Votto, Jimmy Rollins and David Ortiz.
Hmm?
Hey, good game last week.
Hi, fellas.
I'm Jimmy Rollins.
Cleveland, you do know that these guys are current major-league players on other teams.
I offered them a billion dollars.
Don't make me look like an.
So, there's not a billion dollars?
Man, I wish you had told me that, because I just bought an aircraft carrier.
An aircraft carrier?
They'll never take that back.
Next time, sign the credit card bill with your wrong hand so you can tell them it wasn't you.
Good one, Joey.
Did you know left-handed pitchers are called southpaws?
Oh, come on!
Cleveland, you would be so fired if your wife didn't still have pictures of me and Marge Schott horseplaying in the shower.
Yuck.
And from now on, your job is to clean up all the horseplaying mess in the showers.
Hey, as long as we're in Los Angeles, want to go visit the world-famous Tar Pits?
No.
I went yesterday.
It was awesome.
There was an ice cream cart.
Mmm.
I'll go.
I'm not riding with a stranger.
Aw.
Every time you get on an airplane, you're riding with a stranger.
You don't know the pilot.
That's a good point.
You know what?
I don't want to go.
I need to work on my scouting.
Ya think?
A-doy.
If y'all want to meet my pig, I wanna hear ya say, "Suuuweeeee!
" Suuuuweeeeeeee!
Hey, farmhands, someone's trying to get Old MacDonna on the ol' horn.
Howdy, partner!
Donna, hey.
Just calling you while walking the ball field, living "la dreama loca.
" Been scouting so many guys today, you'd think I was in West Hollywood.
Sorry, but Old MacDonna can't chitchat because it's time to put a piece of straw in my teeth.
Alec.
Alec.
Alec.
So, my guy calls me and says, he says, "Megan Fox's plane is touching down at LAX in an hour.
" So, you know me, I says to him, I says, "Unless her plane's touching down in 2008, I'm not interested.
" Tyra.
Tyra.
Tyra.
You know what?
You need some cheering up.
I'm going to take you to my favorite place in Los Angeles.
The house where Sharon Tate was k*lled?
What?
No.
Just come with me.
This is the Grove.
Wow, it's like a small town right in the middle of L.
A.
It probably reminds you of back home.
What?
!
I-I said it probably reminds you of back home.
Oh.
I thought you said "black home.
" A little pond!
My town has one of those!
And a trolley, just like the one on Main Street that they shut down after it crushed four kids!
Ah!
A disproportionate number of Asians!
Just like we fear in Stoolbend!
Wow, Cleveland, in the three days I've known you, and the two times I saw you within those three days, I've never seen you this happy.
Seems to me your dream was what you already had.
You should go back to your small town.
And if you like baseball so much, why don't you be a high school baseball coach?
You could get another job to pay the bills like, I don't know, cable installing.
Are you a witch?
What?
You're right.
I need to get my family black home.
Help!
That man just stole my purse!
Look, uh, I don't want no horrible-smelling trouble.
Thank you, um?
Call me Juniorman!
And I'm sure we'll be seeing you again, as you are old and frail and are sure to be repeatedly victimized.
Super Friends, I am so proud of you.
Think of all the good we've done.
Now, from this vantage point, we can find our next crime in progress.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Hmm, maybe I'm more of a supervillain.
Sweet Plantains and Donna Entertains, please hold.
Sweet Plantains and Donna Entertains, please hold.
I'm looking for Donna, listen, I don't think L.
A.
is my bag.
Who the hell are you?
!
Howdy, partner.
I'm Old MacDonna.
What the?
Mmm, mmm Donna?
Oh, it is you.
But why does everyone here look like you?
Oh, these are the Old MacDonnas-in-training.
Now, I can personally work with the Amy Adamses of the world, while the B-team can work with the Jaime Presslys of the world.
And the C-team can work with Melissa Rivers.
Melissa Rivers has kids?
Oh, they must be so small and loud and living off their grandmother.
Listen, Donna, scouting isn't my dream.
My dream is the life I hated back home.
So I've packed up our apartment, and we're heading back toni What the hell is this?
!
Arabica beans?
!
I said Kona!
Maybe I should just move to Burbank, huh?
Is that what you think of me?
I should move to Burbank, hang out at Papoo's Hot Dog Show which is a restaurant in Burbank?
I don't know how they ran things down at Ellen, but that don't fly here.
I'm Old Mac--Donna!
Whoa, Donna, calm down.
Now, tell me where this Papoo's is.
Look, Cleveland, I came out here to support your dream.
Now it's your turn to support mine.
We're staying in L.
A.
Now, I got to go train these idiots.
All right, idiots, when is she coming 'round that mountain?
When she comes!
Hey, so how did it go with Donna?
She doesn't want to go back.
She's turned into some kind of Katherine Heigl-esque monster.
Oh, Cleveland, she can't be that bad.
You're right.
Donna has comedic timing.
But she's not the woman I fell in love with.
What happened to you?
Let's just say the Lily Tomlin nip-slip was not worth it.
Hold up, Rallo.
I'll catch a ride with you.
I'm on my way to my first all-girl, teen make-out party for sweeps week.
And I just k*lled four people.
Wow, your whole family is awful.
But they're not!
I don't know what's happened to them!
L.
A.
happened to them, Cleveland.
And it'll happen to you, too.
Unless you get out now.
I'm sorry I slapped you.
I just came back from my soap opera class.
Your performance was forced and unbelievable.
But you've given me an idea!
Listen, pig, you can crash here for the night, but if you're still here in the morning, Junior's going to eat you.
You should leave now.
Hello, family.
Cleveland?
Are you in Stoolbend?
Yeah, tried to tell you all I was leaving, but you were too busy.
I just couldn't bring myself to miss Mama Franklin's Peach Pie Bake Off.
We missed Mama Franklin's Peach Pie Bake Off?
No!
Yup, had three slices.
You sure did, honey.
You're my peach pie.
Oh-ho-ho.
And, Rallo, look who wanted to say hi.
Hey, Rallo.
Mrs.
Lowenstein announced that today was bubblegum day and we were allowed to have bubblegum at school.
And we found a g*n.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What kind of bubblegum?
Oh, and, Donna, there's a few people who wanted to say hi to you.
Hi, Donna!
Aw.
See that, Donna?
Back home, everyone knows your name.
Man, what am I doing wasting my life chasing celebrities?
I ain't Dr.
Drew.
Yeah, and they're making me be friends with the girl in the wheelchair.
I k*lled four people.
Well, we got to go.
Having a block party with all our friends.
Don't worry, Cleveland.
I'd love to join you in the sack race.
What the he?
Is that the skinny bitch from the trash cans?
That is me!
Someone recognized me!
All right, gonna go jump in the sack with Gina.
Bye-bye.
Cleveland, wait.
I just want to go home.
Me, too.
We all do.
I'm clicking my heels.
Earthquake!
Damn this city!
Damn it all to hell!
What's what's going on?
Hollywood magic, Donna.
We built a set out of Gina's surprisingly big apartment.
But but all of our friends from Stoolbend Actors.
We even got Tom Hanks to play Lester.
I like World w*r Two.
Yeah, we noticed.
And thanks to the San Diego Zoo for providing "Tim and Arianna.
" Oh, Cleveland, I'm sorry.
I must have lost my mind.
I became what I hate most in the world: a successful, entrepreneurial woman.
We got to get the hell back to Stoolbend.
Thank you for showing me the light, baby.
Well, don't thank me.
Thank "Gina.
" Or, should I say, Reese Witherspoon.
Thanks, Witchiepoo.
I hated your last four movies.
And thank you, Gina, for helping put this together.
I'm sorry I didn't cast you as yourself, but your audition just wasn't where it needed to be.
But look at what you did.
You designed the sets, you wrote the script, you produced this thing from top to bottom.
Your future is behind the camera.
Nah, I just want to be a famous actor.
Ugh.
Let's go home, Cleveland.
There's one thing I have to do first.
Today I consider Los Angeles to be the worst place on the face of the Earth.