03x05 - Battle of the Superheroes!

[bunniefuu]

Hear me, loyal subjects.

Your Pharaoh demands that you open the vault and bring me the treasure within.

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

Hold it right there.

[SHOUTS]

[GROANING]

Now obey me.

Or join those fools in the thrall of Anubis.

A bank heist.

What a scoop.

[AIRCRAFT WHOOSHES]

[SHUDDERS]

VICKY: It's Batman and Robin.

But why are they wearing those mummy costumes? Ah, the Dynamic Duo.

How I have longed to make you my servants.

And you already look the part.

Feel the wrath of Osiris.

Ha! By the power of Horus, it's not possible.

Sorry, Pharaoh.

Our wrappings are coated in buttermilk, the one thing that repels Pharaoh rays.

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

Curse you, Caped Crusaders.

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

[GROANS]



- Good job, Batman.



- You too, Robin.

I'd say this case is all wrapped up.

A good reporter does whatever it takes to get the story.

Today, Jimmy Olsen gets the scoop of the century.

[BEEPING]



- Where's the trouble? Jimmy?

- Wha

- Superman.

Is that you?

- What's wrong? Are you sick? Incurable disease.

The doctors say I don't have much time.

Is there anything I can do? With my super

-speed I can fetch a cure from any hospital in the world or find some medicine in a tropical rainforest.

Just one last request?

- Name it, buddy.



- Tell me your secret identity? Very well, Jimmy.

You've been a good friend and I trust you'll keep my greatest secret to the end.

[THINKING]

This is it.

I can't believe my hoax is working.

My secret identity is Sorry, Jimmy.

Metropolis is in danger.

By the way, my super

-senses tell me your vital signs, metabolism and organs are all completely normal.

I think you'll make a full recovery.

Up, up, and away.

Aw.

Gee whiz.

Look.

Up in the sky.



- It's a bird.



- It's a plane.

It's Superman.

Batman.

What brings you to Metropolis? A series of rare gem thefts from museums in Gotham, Blüdhaven and Star City.

This place was next in the pattern.

The silent alarm just went off inside.

Looks like we're after the same criminal.

It's Luthor.

And he's got Lois.

LEX: I know how important you are to Superman.

He won't dare interfere with my plans as long as I have you.

Then I'll just have to remove myself from the equation.

[LOIS GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]

Superman! [LOIS SCREAMING]

Oh, Batman.

Gee, thanks.

You may be the Man of Steel, but I have fists of titanium.

[GRUNTS]

Keep a close eye on Luthor.

He's a slippery one.

Why don't you stick around? It would be fun to work together again.



- Things have been quiet in Gotham lately.



- Great.

I just need to make a stop first.

PERRY: This is huge.

This is sensational.

This is monumental.

Kent.

I want a day

-in

-the

-life

-of

-Superman story to capitalize on this.



- The, uh

- Now, hold on.

If anyone's going to write a story about Superman, it's gonna be me.

Uh, oops.

Actually, Mr.

White, I was hoping I could finish work on my story about Metropolis' best cannolis.

Fine, whatever.

Lois.

Jimmy.



- The story's yours.



- We're on it, chief.

And don't call me "chief.

" Sorry, chief Er, Mr.

White.

LOIS: "Superman: A Hero for All Times by Lois Lane.

" "Superman is more than just another superhero defending the innocent from those who would do them harm.

" [SUPERMAN GRUNTING]

LOIS: "In his remote Fortress of Solitude Superman keeps a noble watch over the shrunken city of Kandor.

[GRUNTING]

LOIS: "On Earth, Superman has powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men.

" [ALL SCREAMING]

[GROWLS]

[CACKLES]

Huh? Aw, help.

[MR.

MXYZPTLK CACKLES]

SUPERMAN: Mister Mxyzptlk.

MR.

MXYZPTLK: Superman.

And Batman.



- Hoo

-hoo.

What fun.



- And I thought Bat

-Mite was a weird one.

Don't worry, I just need to trick him into saying his name backwards.

[HOWLS]

[GRUNTS]

Hmm.



- Knock, knock.



- A joke? I love jokes.

Who's there?

- "Kil

-tip

-zee

-zum.

"

- "Kil

-tip

-zee

-zum" who? Aw, nuts! "In these troubled times, Superman teaches by example.

The world would be a better place if we all had a little Superman within us.

" What's this gift here, Miss Lane? "To Lois, from your secret admirer.

" Hmm.

Ah! Oh, it's beautiful.

"Secret admirer," eh? Why, you don't suppose it's from him? Look, I got one too.

"For my pal, Jimmy.

" Huh.

Holy hat, a new signal watch.

Superman, what a pal.

We sure have had some good times.

Jimmy, I warned you not to experiment with that growth ray.

It's turned you into a super

-menace, and now I must remove you from the Earth.

[ROARS]

PERRY: Stop the presses.

Toyman is robbing the Bank of Metropolis.

[GIGGLING]

Metropolis has had enough of your games, Toyman.

[WHIRRING NEARBY]

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLING]

[TOYMAN GRUNTING]



- Any comment on the attempted heist?

- How about a photo? I'd just like to say that [GROANS]

That I'm sick of these penny

-ante crooks thinking they can steal from my city.

It's time I made an example of one.

Ha! [SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

Toyman, I'm putting an end to your life of crime.

Permanently.

[GASPS]

BATMAN: Superman, no.



- What are you doing?

- Get lost, Batman.

This is my city and I'm doing things my way.

You know we can't be judge, jury, and executioner.

Fine, take the scum away.

But the next time I see him [ALL SHOUT]

And that goes for you too, Bats.

No autographs.



- Do you think he was kidding?

- Something's wrong.

Very wrong.

[ALL JEERING]

[MEWING]

[CRYING]

Great Caesar's ghost.

Are you sure about this?

- Yes, sir.

Superman's turned into a real di

- Different person.

If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have believed it.

Okay, I want a new headline: "Super

-Man or Super

-Creep?" Lois, I need eyewitness statements.

Olsen, photos.

Well, what are you waiting for? [GRUNTING]



- Jimmy, can I have a word?

- Get lost, will you? [GASPS]

Gosh, I'm sorry, Batman.

I'm just a little upset is all.

It's okay, Jimmy.

I'm here to talk to you about Superman.

Superman? Heh.

More like Super

-Jerk.

You should've seen what he did to the present I gave him.

I was just trying to be a good friend after he gave me this cool new signal watch.

I'd like to examine this at my lab.

May I borrow it? You can keep it.

Superman is no pal of mine.

LOIS: He's not the same person.

We were supposed to have a picnic, but he was with another girl.

It serves you right, Lois after all the love schemes you pulled to get me to marry you.

I have no idea what he was talking about.

Has Superman given you any gifts recently? Funny you should ask.

Do you remember when you received this? Why, right before the Toyman robbery.

About noon, I think.

Earthquake.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[CHUCKLES]

BATMAN: We need to talk.

You really should call instead of just dropping by.

Did you give these gifts to Lois and Jimmy? Why would I give anything to those ingrates? Something's amiss with you.

Overnight you've turned into a rude, selfish, sadistic creep.

How dare you speak to me like that? Get out before I throw you out, old chum.

[GROWLS]

Oh, and take that filthy mutt with you.

BATMAN: As I suspected: Red Kryptonite.

Unlike the green variety, the effects on Superman are unpredictable.

Who could have duped Lois and Jimmy into getting it close to Superman and for what sinister purpose? And how can I help my old friend before he ruins his reputation? [GRUNTS]

Now hear this, citizens of Metropolis.

I am in charge now.

Kneel before King Superman.

Bah, You'll have to do better if you wish to earn my favor.

Who dares? ALL [CHANTING]

: Down with Superman.

Down with Superman.



- Down with Superman.



- There's that super tyrant.

Looks like he's going to face the power of the people.

I am your king.

And I will punish you for your treason.

[SCREAMING]

BATMAN: Leave this city alone.

I'm the one who defies you.

I've been expecting you.

Someone had to stop you, Superman.

I'm only doing what I should have done long ago take over this planet of weaklings.

Not on my watch.

Superman versus Batman? What a scoop.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm faster than a speeding b*llet.

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

More powerful than a locomotive.

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Bad dog.

The effects of Red Kryptonite only last 24 hours.

We just need to contain Superman for a little longer.

[GRUNTING]

Metropolis will pay for its defiance.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Hang on, Jimmy.

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

You can't win.

I won't stop, and you know it.

Then you will be the first to perish.

[JIMMY SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

[BEEPING]

Some superhero.

[GROANS]

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

[BATMAN GROANS]

I'm not your enemy, Superman.

All who oppose me are my enemies.

Look at yourself.

What would Ma Kent think? Ma? How dare you? [GROANING]

[GASPS]



- Are you all right?

- Yes, I I think so.

I'm sorry, Batman I don't know what came over me.



- Red Kryptonite.

But the only other person who knows about that is in jail.

Or is he? [CRASH]

Aren't you supposed to be in prison, Luthor? Yes.

Unfortunately you only incarcerated one of my Lexbots.

A crude model, but sufficient to fool your super

-senses.

Pretty clever, using me and Jimmy as unwitting pawns to dose Superman with Red Kryptonite.

You two follow Superman like lovesick puppies.

While the effects were temporary I knew they would be enough to turn the public against you, Superman.

Once trust is lost, it can be difficult to regain.



- Leaving Metropolis at your mercy.



- You diseased maniac.

[GRUNTS]

[SUPERMAN GROANING]

That's right, Superman.

I also procured some Green Kryptonite.

And its deadly effect on you is well

-known.

You're finished, Superman.

Before I'm done, the world will tremble at the name Lex Luthor.

[YAWNS]

What? [LEX GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

You switched costumes.



- But your voices

- Super

-ventriloquism.

A crude deception, but satisfactory to fool your great intellect.

[CROWD CHEERING]

In all the excitement, I can't believe Clark scooped us on the Lex Luthor story.

Hey, where is Mr.

Kent anyway? Lois, Jimmy, I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

- How will I ever make it up to you?

- We can discuss it over a dinner date? Tell me your secret identity.

[AIRCRAFT WHOOSHES]

[LOIS & JIMMY GASP]

BRAINIAC: Attention people of Metropolis.

Congratulations.

I have chosen your city to be the first to repopulate my destroyed planet.

The shrinking process will commence immediately.

[ALL SCREAMING]