03x11 - Crisis: 22,300 Miles Above Earth!

[bunniefuu]

[JOKER CACKLING]

Where there's smoke there's fire, Batsy.

What diabolical devilry have you devised, Joker? I'll give you a hint.

I'm about to rake you over the coals.

You see, while you roast, we roast you.

Live from an abandoned warehouse in Gotham City it's the Joker's Superhero Celebrity Roast.

[CHEERING]

JOKER: Tonight's star

-studded spectacular brings some of the greatest archvillains together.

To dishonor our least favorite hero, Batman.

Let's get things started with everyone's favorite chunky monkey Gorilla Grodd.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, it's sure great to be at a roast for Batman.

I call dibs on his thigh.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Mr.

Freeze at a roast who would have thawed it? [VILLAINS CHUCKLE]

MR.

FREEZE: Of all the heroes out there I only have ice for you, Batman.

[ALL GROAN]

VILLAIN 1: No puns.

VILLAIN 2: Yikes.

[MUTTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

[MUTTERING]

You're dropping more bombs than the Batplane did on my last hideout, Grundy.

Let's bring in the ringer.

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

And now, abducted straight from his show at Nero's Palace please welcome Jeffrey Ross.

[CACKLES]

[VILLAINS APPLAUD]

Oh.

Sorry, Batman.

I only roast the ones I love.

And because they're holding a g*n to me.

[VILLAINS LAUGH]

Understood, citizen.

Knock him dead, kiddo.

Or else.

I must say, I'm flattered that of all the comedians, you chose me, Joker.

Don't be.

Groucho was unavailable.

ALL: Ha

-ha

-ha! MR.

FREEZE: Oh, that is cold.

Anyway, great to be here in Gotham City, home of Batman and Robin.

What an undynamic duo those two are.

Am I right, villains? And, Batman, I just want to know: Who put you in charge of Robin's adult supervision? I mean, I'd be worried about letting him walk to school alone and you have him disarming bombs.

[ALL LAUGH]

It's funny because it's true.

Ha

-ha

-ha! Yo, Batman, was everyone else over the age of 10 busy? Ha, ha! You must call him The Boy Wonder because you can't believe he's alive.

That's right, Ross, keep them laughing.

Yo, Batman, what's up with that utility belt? Are you here to fight crime or remodel my bathroom? [VILLAINS LAUGH]

Does it hold up your underwear? Because after kindergarten, most of us figured out that the undies go inside your pants.

[VILLAINS LAUGH]

At least you don't have to change your underwear every time you see Bane coming for you, huh? [VILLAINS LAUGHING]

BATMAN: Sorry to interrupt, Mr.

Ross.

But I've got a few punch lines of my own I'd like to try out.

Batman? Free? Vamoose.

[VILLAINS SHOUTING]

Penguin, they should call you The Nail.

Because you're always getting pounded by the Hammers of Justice.

I'd try not to hit your good side, Two

-Face, but you don't have one.

Riddler, the answer to all your riddles is this.

ROSS: Where do you think you're going? You've done a lot of terrible things, Joker, but your real crime is against comedy.

[GRUNTS]

Appreciate the assist.

You know, this superhero stuff isn't so hard.

Think I might give it a try.

Stick to comedy, Jeff.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: A little higher to the left, Captain Marvel.

Why, Martian Manhunter, you look as nervous as a hermit crab.

Nonsense.

It's just important we make a good impression.

Having a mixer was a great idea.

Who cares what a bunch of fossils have to say? Are you kidding? The Justice Society of America are legends.

Just think of all the wisdom they can pass down from their years of Boring.

[TELEPORTER BEEPING]

Oh.

Look, the teleporter is activating.

Impossible.

They're not due to arrive for another 20 minutes.

And Batman isn't here.

This whole thing was his idea.

Relax, my friend.

Just go with the flow.

And no more cookies.

You know what they do to you.

Gentlemen, I am J'onn J'onzz.

Welcome to Justice League International headquarters.

Justice League International? You said it was the other Justice League.

The good one.

I must have read the invitation wrong.

Does that mean Superman won't be here? Superman is the only reason I came.

Well, please make yourselves at home.

These sure are fancy digs, Martian.

But what good are you floating around in space? Last time I checked, you can't stop bank robbers from up here.

You got that right.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Ha, ha.

Yes, well, come, my friends.

Plenty of refreshments right this way.

Say, kid, where's the john in this joint? Down the hall on the left.

Batman, where are you? Everyone is here.

Sorry, J'onn.

Running a little late.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER [OVER RADIO]

: Things are not getting off to a good start.

BATMAN: I can't talk now.

Skiing ninjas with lasers.

Batman out.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[NINJAS GRUNT]

No one's talking to each other.

Ice, why don't you try mingling? But I don't have to go to the bathroom.

The shrimp's too spicy and the chicken is dry.

Ma Hunkel would never have put out such a shabby spread.

And such small portions too.

Uh, I think we're almost out of food.

Already? How can that be? I based my calculations on an average of four glasses of punch per person.

One serving of crudités, two servings of hors d'oeuvres.

There should have been more than enough.

AQUAMAN: These hors d'oeuvres are outrageous.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: They are for the guests.

And you are not a guest.

Don't you understand? There's nothing worse than running out of food at a party.

Nothing.

Think you could turn up the heat, chief? It's colder than a polar bear's toenails in here.

Except for that.

[GASPS]

GUY: So that's the original Green Lantern? His costume designer must've been color

-blind.

Only thing we'll learn from these geezers is how to add more fiber to our diets.

They do smell nice, though.

Like mothballs and menthol rub.

Wildcat, I just I can't believe I'm actually meeting you.

My grandpa used to tell me stories about you guys all the time.

Grandpa? So I told the prime minister, "Call off your submarines or I'll summon a pod of humpback whales to" Hold that thought, I gotta see a man about a horse.

So, Spectre, old chum.

Did I ever tell you about the time l Never mind.

Where are you going? Bug Boy here is giving us a tour of this tin can y'all call a headquarters.

That is not going to end well.

[GROANING]

You've had quite an exhausting night, detective.

I hope you found your little nap refreshing.

I never get tired of foiling your twisted schemes, Ra's.

AL GHUL: I'd hardly call restoring ecological balance to Earth a "twisted scheme," but to each his own, detective.

Soon I shall fire a fusion rocket into the sun.

The resultant solar flares will melt all ice on the planet in a matter of days flooding the continents.

Farewell, detective.

[GROWLING]

Hello.

Guy, is it? Hal Jordan's told me a lot about you.

Keeping out of trouble? Not if I can help it, old

-timer.

In my day, there wasn't time for social events when we were on active duty.

But with a Green Lantern like Hal keeping Earth safe you don't worry about that, do you? What's that supposed to mean? Ooh! J'onn said there's going to be pie later.

I love pie, don't you? [YAWNS]

Ugh! Would you mind looming somewhere else, please? Batman, do you read me? Why doesn't he answer? If you're relying on Batman to be the life of the party I'm afraid you're whistling the wrong tune.

That's it.

Music.

How could I have forgotten music? Never fear, old chum.

If music is what you need, I've got just the thing.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, everyone.

I thought I'd entertain you with a rendition of an Atlantean spiritual.

Perhaps you've heard of it.

"Nearer Our Fins to Thee"? It goes a little something like this: [IMITATING WHALES SINGING]

By H'ronomeer, I need a cookie.

[GROWLING]

Talia.

Why did you save I see.

Um, thanks.

STARMAN: This place is huge.

Definitely bigger than our old brownstone headquarters in Civic City, eh, Wildcat? Hmph.

Hunk ofjunk.

[WILDCAT SNIFFS]

What's that smell? Oh, uh, heh.

That's my cabin.

What in the Sam Hill? Yeah, I guess it's a little messy.

"A little messy"? This is a disgrace, son.

I can't even see the floor.

Is that a pile of garbage or your bunk? I should be able to bounce a quarter off that mattress.

Why would you want to? I need air.

It's a movie title.

One word.



- Bite.

Masticate.



- Teeth.

Eat.

Eat.



- Chomp.



- Hand

-waving.

JAY: To chew.

MID

-NITE: Clapping.

Oh, come now, you're not even trying.

Where are you going? Can't you see we're in the middle of the greatest game of charades ever? Uh, nature calls.

Mandible.

You were supposed to be one of the most powerful Lanterns ever.

But your ring is vulnerable to wood.

So, what happens if a guy comes at you with a pointy stick? Same thing that happens to you if he paints it yellow.

GUY: Was that some kind of cr*ck, old man? ALAN: If the ring fits, Gardner.

Batman to Watchtower, Batman to Watchtower, come in.

Watchtower, this is an emergency, please respond.

Great.

I think now would be a good time for pie.

Oh, no, the pies.

I left them in the oven.

Ice, stall for time.

Mind your own business, gramps.

Hey! Let's all share a story.

I'll start.

I'll call this tale, "Please Stop Fighting, It's Getting Awkward.

" It is my business, Gardner.

No wonder this new league is such mess if you're the caliber of hero they've sunk to using.

ALL: Mm

-hmm.

Hey, I'm proud to be on this team.

You'd be proud if you could figure out how to work a vacuum cleaner.

Easy, there.

JLI may do things our own way, but we get the job done.

You know, the other league didn't have do things "their own way.

" I guess this new generation just doesn't mind embarrassing themselves.

Yeah, well, I'd put our guys up against your so

-called "Mystery Men" any day.

The mystery is how you geezers managed to make it this far.

This party might not be out of punch after all.

What can you expect from a backup Lantern with a bad attitude and a cheap haircut?

- It's go time, old man.

Now, friends, that's no way for heroes to behave.

[GRUNTS]

Suffering swordfish.

[YELLING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

I have a little surprise.

Who wants pie? Ah! [ALL GRUNTING]

Holy moly.

Hey, Wildcat.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[GRUNTING]

Your ingenuity never ceases to amaze me, detective.

But in this case, I know you had assistance.

Sadly, you'll be dead before the sun incinerates you.

So, uh, who gets to make the big entrance quip? After you, sir.

Age before beauty.

Well, thanks, Fish Face.

All right, punks.

The party's over.

That's right.

Your ecological incursion ends here, Ra's Al Ghul.

Ha, ha! Yah! You're too late, heroes.

[ALL GRUNTING]

GUY & ALAN: I got it.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Lights out, creep.

That's the right prescription, Doctor.

Unh! Let's go a couple rounds, big boy.

I've had heavybags that hit back harder than you do.

[ALL GRUNT]

[GROWLING]

Eat this, squid face.

Squid face! Ho! [ALL GRUNTING]

I'll free Batman, you smash that rocket.

You read my mind.

AL GHUL: Face me, detective.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Why won't you just perish already? [BOTH GRUNTING]

This time I shall watch the life fade from your eyes, detective.

You should have been watching my hands.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

The way you fight, kid, I almost don't mind you sleeping in a pigsty.

I suppose we owe you an apology.

We haven't been very good guests.

That's for sure.

You see, we thought this new league had dismissed our ways of doing things forgotten our traditions.

Are you kidding? You guys didn't just do the superhero group thing first, you did it the best.

We saw a lot of us in you out there.

It's nice to know the spirit of the JSA is alive and well.

I see I missed quite the party.

Yes.

My little soiree was just the thing they needed.

It seems different generations can bond over a common desire.

- Justice?

- Pie.