03x20 - February 22, 2001

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, everybody, And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" On tonight's show I am spartacus wayne brady, I am spartacus jeff davis, I am spartacus colin mochrie, And yeah, yeah, that's spartacus That's the guy right there ryan stiles, And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, hello.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything is made up And the points don't matter.

That's right.

The points are like a microphone At a britney spears concert.

I got all kinds of jokes like that, man, But you don't want to hear me.

Let's start off the show with a game called "questionable impressions.

" this is for all four of you.

Jeff and wayne, you're going to start.

They can only ask each other questions, And they have to do an impression at the same time, So it always has to be a different impression And they can only ask questions.

It's a great party game if you're ever at a party Where there's no booze or chicks.

What I need from you Is a place where there's a sense of urgency.

Man: Emergency room! Kitchen.

All right.

Kitchen.

When you're cooking something Yeah, bedroom in your house.

Uh, okay, go ahead.

"questionable impressions.

" You're in a kitchen.

Start whenever you're ready.



[ imitating christopher walken ]

Mom, are you done with the pie or what? Are we going to eat today?

[ imitating bill cosby ]

tell me Do you think that you could tell me Where all the jello is? Why don't you try looking for yourself? Why do you speak to your mother like that? I'm going to leave.



[ buzzer ]

And just what do you think you're doing, young man?

[ imitating richard nixon ]

do I look like a cook? Have you been putting a tap on mommy's phone lines again? Would I do something like that?

[ buzzer ]



[ imitating humphrey bogart ]

do you want a hill of beans? Who the hell are you trying to do? What's with the smart mouth?

[ buzzer ]



[ imitating arnold schwarzenegger ]

Can't you see the kitchen is on fire? Get out!

[ buzzer ]



[ imitating billy dee williams ]

Have you seen the colt malt liquor? Do you want to live? Calm down, buddy.

Why you so mad? Try this.



[ buzzer ]

Almost had it, almost had it.



[ imitating craig t.

Nelson ]

Do you have anything for craig t.

Nelson?

[ buzzer ]

Do you know I was in "coach"? I think that pot oh.



[ buzzer ]

Uh, mother, why, uh, why, uh I am jeff goldblum, of course why, uh, Why is it that you continue to cook food That the family doesn't like, And, uh, isn't healthy and isn't healthy? Why, mother? I don't know.



[ buzzer ]



[ imitating redd foxx ]

Where are the eggs, you big dummy?

[ buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

1,000 points to colin For his masterful impression of craig t.

Nelson.

Man.

That was just fantastic.

I never is he canadian is that why? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that explains it all.

Now we go to a game called "film, tv, and theater styles.

" This is for ryan, colin, and wayne.



[ audience applauding ]

Yeah, go ahead and applaud.

What's going to happen They're going to act out a scene, but first I need from the audience your favorite style Of television show, film, or theater.



[ audience shouting ]

Fellini, western, Shakespeare, Horror, passion play.

Man: "the drew carey show"! I'll see what happens.

Woody allen.

I'll put kung fu movie for the chinese movie.

Okay, we got a lot, so let's start as normal, And then I'll buzz in with these styles later.

The scene is ryan and colin are two fishermen Landing and gutting fish on a trawler When wayne the captain Spots the storm of the century approaching.

You can take it away whenever you're ready.



[ makes vomiting noise ]



[ makes chopping noise ]



[ makes vomiting noise ]

Okay, okay.

Argh! You two I have just noticed off the west wing What, captain? I haven't been a captain very long.

It appears a storm is coming The storm of the century.



[ buzzer ]

Shakespeare.

The storm of a century.

Once every 100 years does it come.

If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish.

Oh, foul wind that does blow And waves that do crest.

Oh, sorry.



[ buzzer ]

Fellini.

Every time the boat it gets longer, But my eyesight is shorter.

I want a fat prost*tute.



[ buzzer ]

Hey, don't we all? Uh, woody allen.



[ imitating woody allen ]

If you guys don't leave me alone, I'll be forced to take my wife and leave you.

I'm crazy like that.



[ buzzer ]

Horror movie.

Oh, my god, That was a horrible impression.

What was that? Nothing, captain, nothing.

No.

Thank you for doing your impressions While the storm is look at that wave! Look at how dark it's getting.



[ buzzer ]

Kung fu! Wayne: Someone must combat the wave! Quick we'd better use our drunken anti-style.

Oh, no, you didn't.

No, you better get back.



[ buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

1,000 points to wayne for his great woody allen.

The impressions ability on this cast is it's great.

I think craig t.

Nelson and woody allen Ought to do a movie together.

Let's go on to a game called "irish drinking song.

" This is for all four of you, And, uh, they're going to sing for you An irish drinking song one line at a time With the help of laura hall on the piano laura hall.

What I need from the audience Is a suggestion of something that would happen to you That you would want to keep secret.

Man: Lobotomy! Lobotomy.

Let's hear the lobotomy This ought to be good The lobotomy irish drinking song.

Take it away.

All: oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I had a lobotomy and now I'm not so nuts they took away half my brain now I eat cigarette butts I am not too bright now I'm kind of sane I am really stupid hey, is that the rain? oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I used to go down on the street I used to have a scar now I ask for money and I chase cars ruff, ruff but when I come into your town I like to shout a lot I run around and scream a lot wow, this is hot oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di oh, I feel much better I think I'll go back home and then after I'm finished I'll marry a lawn gnome boy, that would be so beautiful as happy as can be because I don't care too much, you see for my lobotomy All: oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di I really need a job now I look in the paper but I can't never find nothing I have a scraper but I'll keep on looking I look until I can't see if you want someone who's nuts be a host on tv oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di

[ buzzer ]

That was great.

We'll go see a commercial.

We'll be right back With more "whose line is it anyway?" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything is made up And the points don't matter.

I just want to give a plug to colin's new show.

It's a combination of "sex and the city," "caroline in the city," and "the price is right.

" It's called "I'll have sex with caroline in the city If the price is right.

" Is that true? We're going to move on with a game called "duet.

" This is for jeff and wayne With the help of laura hall and linda taylor On piano and guitar.

What is your name? Jill.

Jill, what do you do for a living? I sell tickets at dodger stadium.

Okay, she's unemployed.

Come on down here, jill.

Say hi to jeff and wayne.

This is jill.

Uh, that's jill.

Claims she sells tickets at dodger stadium.

You guys are going to sing a song to her, But I want you to sing it like the rat pack, So whenever you're ready, take it away With a rat pack number to jill the ticket seller.



[ imitating frank sinatra ]

now, who's that chick? man, tell you, fellow I've never seen daryl hannah as a ticket seller she's the kind of chick that I know so well at dodger stadium I bet there's been a dry spell

[ imitating dean martin ]

oh, baby where do I begin? I'd love to see you but the dodgers don't ever win oh I'd love to sit next to you at a game someday have a dodger dog, and then I'd say

[ imitating sammy davis jr.

]

oh, it's a shame when you're selling tickets and no one will come I'd buy a ticket man, that's what I would do because I've never seen a ticket seller look like you I'd rather look at you than look at that game the dodger games they're all the same I'd rather sit and buy tickets from you I know that I would buy a little ticket I'd put mustard on my hot dog and buy a beer

[ music stops ]



[ buzzer ]

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, jill.

Thank you, jill.

Thank you.

Jill, everybody.

Thank you, jill.

buy a beer That was one of the outtakes.

Yeah.

Suddenly the song is over.

Hey, that's okay.

1,000 points to each of you.

That was great, and thank you, jill.

Let's go on to a game called "news flash.

" Jeff and ryan are going to be news anchors in a studio.

Colin is going to be in the field As a reporter covering a breaking news story.

He doesn't know what the story is Or what's behind him 'cause he's standing in front of a green screen.

What we do is magically make an image come on there That colin can't see.

Jeff and ryan are going to give him little hints, So whenever you're ready, ryan and jeff, off to you.

Why do they call it a thong? I don't know.

Oh, we interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.

Right now we have our man colin mochrie Standing out in the field with some late-breaking news.

Can you give us any reports as to what's going on exactly? I am sorry, jeff.

It is a madhouse here.

I'm barely hanging on.

I have never felt this much in danger.

Ryan: Look Jeff: Now, colin colin, can you

[ audience screaming ]

Colin colin, can you give us any idea As to how the thing started happening? This all apparently started when

[ audience screams ]

There was a rumor that kathie lee was coming back.

Audience: Oh! Ryan: Colin, it looks What have you done to protect yourself in there? Saran wrap.



[ audience screaming ]

Jeff: Now, colin, colin, colin, I'm beginning to worry about your I'm beginning to worry about your safety in there, colin.

I'm a little worried myself, but I'm holding it together Because this is a story that must be told.

Look at this.

Try to keep your eyes on it.

It may repulse you, but keep staring.

Now, colin Colin, we're kind of losing you, colin, Because the antennas on our van are kind of failing.

We can't quite catch you right now.

The antennas aren't working.

Well That's too bad.

Colin, they seem pretty well-organized.

Well, yes.

They have a very good union.

Colin colin, I don't see any end of this in sight.

It seems like this might go on even after a nuclear holocaust.

Oh, I'm telling you This sort of thing just would make you sick.

I myself

[ audience applauding ]

Ryan: He seems to be handling it.



[ buzzer ]

Well, colin, think you got it? What is it? A lot of cockroaches.

Yes.

Lots of cockroaches.

Yuck.

1,000 points to the roaches.

Trying to make friends with them now Before the nuclear b*mb hits.

Let's go on to a game called "hoedown" With the help of laura hall on the piano.

Uh, what I need from the audience Is a suggestion of a glamorous profession.

Man: Cowboy!

[ audience shouting ]

Astronaut.

Uh, so let's hear the astronaut hoedown.

let me tell you something, my girlfriend, I was a slob but now look who's laughing astronaut is my job flying around the universe that is my duty I even made a pit stop on mars and got some martian booty well, I work for nasa, and it is a great place they let me take my girlfriend up into outer space and now we're all alone up there and she sure knows how to please and her boobs really look nice in zero g's I am an astronaut, but I'd rather be fishing because I've been up in space on a 10-year mission it really is so horrible, I'm really annoyed I've been sitting down so long I've got asteroids I think you will find that I'm the best astronaut that will be found I can't wait to blastoff and leave this ground soon as I get up there, oh, boy, I yell "sh**t" I forgot about my training and I tinkled in my suit All: I tinkled in my suit We'll be right back With more "whose line is it anyway?" Right after this.

Don't go away.

At tonight's winner to "whois wayne brady.

Nyway?" Wayne brady is the winner tonight.

Uh, we're going to do a scene for you Called "foreign film dub," And what's going to happen is jeff and I are going To pretend to speak in a foreign language.

What foreign language would you like us to speak? Spanish.

That was the first thing I heard, And if you were a spanish film director making action films, What would the name of your film be?

[ audience shouts ]

El donkey.

Ryan, you're going to translate for me.

Colin, you're going to translate for jeff.

El donkey in spanish.

Señor, necesito un burro.

Colin: Hey, nice suit.



[ pretends to speak spanish ]

Ryan: Thank you very much.

Have you seen my ass? Qué bueno? También, no tengo pantalones.

Colin: I have seen the donkey you talk of.

It wears funny pants.



[ pretends to speak spanish ]

Ryan: This burro is my only friend.

Him and I watch "baywatch" together.

Ay, ay, ay, dios! Tú burro no! Colin: You mean when they walk in slow motion? I love that!

[ pretends to speak spanish ]

I can't speak spanish.

Otra vez.

El burro

[ pretends to speak spanish ]

Ryan: Excuse me, I will sell you my Ha ha ha I will sell you my Ho ho ho excuse me I will sell you Oh, I'm not spanish at all.

[ pretending to speak spanish ]

Bien, bien.

Colin: My god, a peruvian mime.

Ryan: I have an outie bellybutton And I live in a small house.

[ buzzer ]

Thank you for watching "whose line.

" We'll be right back.

Tonight we're going to have wayne bradyyway?"