03x22 - March 15, 2001

[bunniefuu]

Drew: Good evening, everybody, And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" On tonight's show all beef patties wayne brady, Sesame seed bun chip esten, Secret sauce colin mochrie, And extra cheese ryan stiles! And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on over.

Let's have some fun.

Whoo! Thank you very much.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter.

That's right, the points are like the border patrol.

I said it, and I don't care who knows.

Let's start the show with a game called "superheroes.

" Okay, come on up here.

It's for everybody "superheroes.

" Colin, you're going to start the game.

They're going to name each other as they come in, Try to screw each other up.

What we need from the audience is the name Of an unlikely superhero.

Presidential candidate-man.

Presidential candidate-man.

What's the crisis? Man: Nuclear att*ck.

Man #2: No teleprompter.

No teleprompter, presidential candidate-man.

What are we going to do? I will cut taxes.

Holy vote! There's no teleprompters left anywhere in the world! I Sorry I'm late.

I couldn't get past your security guys.

Thank god you're here, Toddler-doing-everything- for-the-first-time-boy.

Oh! There's no teleprompters.



[ gurgling ]



[ imitates spitting up ]

Oh, the mosh pit kid.



[ cooing ]

Watch out.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, thank god you're here, Can't-control- his-stallion-man.



[ grunting ]

Hyah! Hyah! Here, use these tv sets.

They'll double as tele-- aah! Whoa! Whoa! Damn, I really needed his vote.



[ screaming ]



[ buzzer ]

1,000 points apiece.

That one kind of backfired on you, didn't it, colin? Thought you had him till he sucked on your nipple.

Let's move on with a game called "sound effects.

" Ryan and colin.

Ryan and colin.

Hello.

What's your name? Melissa.

Melissa, come on down here, melissa.

Say hi to the guys.

This is melissa.

Is that your friend in the red laughing at you? Yeah.

What's your name, friend in the red? Trish? Come on down here, trish.

This is melissa and trish.

Go on down there right by my desk.

This is melissa, and this is trish.

There's your microphones.

What's going to happen This game is called "sound effects," So these guys are going to do a scene for us.

Melissa, you're going to do the sound effects for colin, And, trish, you're going to do the sound effects for ryan.

The scene is ship's captain ryan And his new bride colin Are getting romantic in their cabin On the titanic Moments before it hits the iceberg.

You guys do the sound effects.

Take it away, guys.

A little champagne? Thank you, dear.

It's a little flat.



[ imitates fizzing sound ]

Oh, there.

It's a delayed fizz.

Oh! Why don't I just open the porthole For a little air? All right.



[ melissa makes wind sound ]

Oh, it's already open.

Cheers.

Melissa: Clink, clink.

Being here with you is a dream for me.

Oh, darling, who could ask for anything more Than being on the titanic with the captain of the ship? Oh, it's so lovely.

We should be hearing the sound any moment Of the 12:00 horn.



[ trish imitates horn ]

Look, seals! Yes.

Hello, seals! Both:

[ imitating seals barking ]

Ryan: Oh, they're so beautiful.

Honey? Huh? There seems to be a big thing of ice out there.

Ice? Yes.

Well, that can't be right.

Oh, my god! We're going to hit it! Hang on!

[ melissa and trish scream ]

Everyone aboard is screaming! We're about to hit it! Aah! Boy, maybe we're just No, we're going to hit it.

Here it comes.

Oh, this is going to be a big bang!

[ trish imitates crash ]

That's odd.

We hit it, and I think we blew a tire.

Quick, we've got to get out of here.

Quick, down the hall.

Follow me.



[ melissa and trish thumping ground ]

Boy, the echo in this stairwell Is strange.



[ melissa and trish imitating creaking ]

Rats! Rats! It's open.

Oh, my god.

Everyone's headed off the ship.

The band's still here.

What's that song they're playing? Apparently, it's "the sound of silence.

" We're never going to get off this ship alive.

I want you to have this.

A piccolo? Yes.



[ melissa imitating piccolo playing ]

I thought the rats might follow you And we'll be able to float away on them.

But that's not going to work.

Help me lower the lifeboat.



[ melissa and trish imitating creaking ]

My corset is a little rusty.

Okay, it's in the water.

I heard it splash.



[ melissa and trish imitate splash ]

It takes a while for it to get up there.

It's a big ship.

There it goes, floating away.

You're going to have to jump in the water And swim for the boat.

Jump in the water? It's freezing.

I'll ring the horn, Let everybody know you're coming.

Melissa: Ding!

[ melissa and trish grunting ]

Sorry, sorry.



[ buzzer ]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thanks.

Hey, do you guys have kids? Yes.

They won't make fun of you much.

Don't worry about it.

"remember when mom was on that show? Duh.

"

[ laughing ]

"oh, my god.

I'm so embarrassed.

I can't even go to school now.

"

[ laughing ]

As melissa was heading back, She goes, "wow.

That's really hard to do.

" That's why we take unsuspecting people From the audience and make them do it.

Next game is called "3-headed broadway star.

" This is for wayne, chip, and colin.

Come on up here th the help Of laura hall and linda taylor.

Laura hall and linda taylor.

What's your name? Alli.

What? Alli.

Alli, come over here, alli.

Say hi to the guys.

Go and have a seat.

Chip: Hello, alli.

Nice to meet you.

Drew: Guys, say hi to alli.



[ laughing ]

Say hi to alli.

Alli, these guys are going to sing A broadway love song to you, Making up one word at a time, And what I need from the audience Is to complete this sentence "you've got a beautiful blank.

" Woman: Bald spot! Bald spot.

"you've got a beautiful bald spot.

" One word at a time.

Take it away, Laura and linda.



[ playing slow song ]

you got a beautiful bald spot I think it's so divine when I look into it I can see anything yowza shiny as a bald penny brilliant as a professor my bald spot isn't like yours your bald spot can reflect lasers right in my personal direction when your bald spot glimmers at my eye I blink once then blink twice because your bald spots are nice All:

[ harmonizing ]

nice

[ buzzer ]

Drew: Thank you much.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" And we'd especially like to welcome our newer viewers Who've recently discovered That "friends" is just getting a little bit tired.



[ laughing ]

Let's go on to oh, this is a game, actually, You know, we have a game called "whose line?" Here on "whose line?" this is for colin and ryan.

Come and get your lines.

Ryan.

Colin.

What we do is we ask the audience To write down random lines.

They're going to do a scene, And during the scene they have to insert the lines, Which they've never seen before They just shove them in their pocket here into the scene.

The scene is the philistine army approaching.

Samson colin Not so fast is furious with delilah Ryan for For cutting off his hair.

For cutting off his hair.



[ laughing ]

You know, I just wanted a little off the top.

I needed extensions.

The philistines are coming.

The philistines are coming? And now all my strength is gone.

Thank you, thank you.

Samson, you don't need hair to be strong.

Look at the muscles on your body.

Why, when you walk down the street, People "there's samson.

Hold me close and call me ginger.

" Ginger, ginger, ginger.

Oh, you know how much I love that.

Oh, you smell like paprika.

I don't know what to do.

Aren't you hot in that wet suit? No.

You're not? No, not at all.

It's really distracting me.

It's the only way I'll let you hug me.

You know, I don't think this relationship's going anywhere.

I'm going to go out there and fight the philistines, Shorn of my hair, the secret of my power.

You can't do that, samson.

What? I gave your hair to someone else.

Who? Jim.

Jim.

Jim the tinker.

That's right, And now he's the strongest tinker in the land.

He's a mighty tinker, a big tinker, Powerful tinker.

Who needs to be a big tinker? He's a tinker.

Little tinker! Why does everything you say sound sexual? It's just the way I do things.

Samson, it hasn't worked for us for years.

For the last two years, I've just wanted to look you in the eye And say, "boy, I'm still hammered from last night.

" All we do is get drunk and play stupid games.

I'm so I'm going to push these pillars.

First, I'll fluff the pillars.

Aah!

[ makes crunching sound, whoosh ]

Delilah I thought you said jim had my hair.

I kept some for myself.

So now you can fight the philistines.

I could if I wanted to, But I don't feel like it today.

Well, perhaps I can change your mind With those little words that I know Stop it.

Just make you butter.

Don't say it to me.

Yes, I will.

I'm going to.

"hop on and I'll show you what this baby can do.

" All righty.

Oh, sam, oh!

[ buzzer ]

Man.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that You'd have a dime.

No dime.

So, a thousand dimes for each of you, And moving on to "irish drinking song.

" This is a great game.

Laura hall on piano.

Thank you, laura hall.

Somebody from this middle section, Tell me a bad thing that happened to you on a date.



[ audience shouting suggestions ]

Got mugged.

Okay, that's good.

Got mugged.

Yeah.

Got mugged? Let's do the "got mugged" irish drinking song.

Take it away, laura hall.

oh hi-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di I took my lass on a date we went out for the night as we hit the parking lot I got into a fight scuffle, he took my wallet and ran away so fast I started crying a stone I passed oh, hi-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di oh, hi-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di I screamed just like a lassie I ran right after him I jumped into my car the mugger's name was tim I put upon my siren and it roared out loud he came to a stop and b*at me in front of a crowd oh, hi-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di I decided to take action I hit tim with a club I hit him where the sun don't shine he said, "hey, watch it, bub!" and then he ran away from me I followed him I became a hero and my name is tim oh, hi-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di I still hear from him from often he writes a little letter it's as soft as cotton someday I'll write back he is my best friend and now we both are pen pals he put my stone back in my end oh, hi-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di oh, hi-dy, di-dy, di-dy, di-dy di-dy, di-dy di

[ buzzer ]

He put my stone back in put my stone back in my end oh Chip: Now, that is a good friend.

Is this yours? That was smooth.

Try doing that, cole porter.

Oh! All right, we'll be right back With more "whose line is it anyway?" Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner wayne brady.

Wayne brady is the winner tonight.

So, ryan, colin, and I Are going to do a game for you called "helping hands," And ryan and I are going to act out a scene, But ryan can't use his hands.

Colin is going to be the hands for him.

Just like the game we used to play at camp.

And, wayne, what's our scene? "ryan is an angry football coach "trying to inspire his quarterback drew At halftime.

" Hey, coach, I came as soon as I could.

Quack, quack, quack.

Sound familiar, carey? Quack, quack, quack! You were throwing ducks out there! Coach, I didn't know what to do, man I told you what to do, carey.

You listen to every play I design And do not run your own plays.

Now, what did I tell you to run? Let me show you on the board again.

Let me show you on the board.

These this I won't show you on the board.

I'll show you with action figures.

This is you.

These are not actual size, carey.

This is you throwing the ball.

Look, you're getting hit, hit, hit, hit, hit All the time.

Hey, you better watch your tone.

Remember what happened to bobby knight.



[ calm voice ]

I'm sorry.

I'll try to keep my tone low.

Now, let me design a play here on the board for you For the next half.

All right, let me grab a pen.

That's the best way to do it.

All right, now, this is you, carey.

This is you.

Now, I want you to run around like this.

Go over here like that, come through the middle Into the defensive end, throw into the backfield, And run for a touchdown.

I can't make it any clearer than that! Oh.

I don't know, coach.

I don't know.

You're getting me all confused and stuff.

I'm kind of tired.

I'm running out of energy.

Tired? Yeah.

What you need, carey, is some protein.

Let's get some bananas here.

That's what you need.

Peel that one, carey.

I'll peel it for you.

Here we go.

You eat half, and I'll eat half.

Okay, I'll eat it later.

Oh! Hey, coach, why don't you show me your What? What did you say? What? Carey Never interrupt me When I'm eating a banana! Sorry.

Sorry, coach.

Now, look, I'm going to grab this megaphone.

I'm going to be cheering you on out there.

I'm going to go, "carey, hit him in the head! Him in the knee! Hit him in the eyes so he can't see!" I'll be cheering you on for the whole thing.

What other things can I eat For protein and energy and stuff? Oranges are good, carey.

Oranges are very good.

They've got a lot of vitamin c, And they'll get you going.

Watch this.



[ humming "flight of the bumblebee" ]

Ah, never mind.

But they're good for you.

Have one.

No, no thanks.

I can't eat with a helmet on.

Wait till they're ripe.

Oh, man.

Now, this is another thing I don't get.

My mouth guard kept on falling off The whole time I was out there.

Well, then don't use a mouth guard.

Use an orange.

You know, carey Hey, what's that? What's what? That.

Oh, it's a thermos, carey.

It's full of water.

Is it really? What do you do with it? You take a drink.

Oh!

[ buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line?" Don't go away.

welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight we're going to have everybody Read the credits for you, And I want you guys to read the credits As toddlers who have just learned your first words.

Good night, everybody.

Jimmy mulville.

Leveson.

Park.

Leveson.

Park!

[ grunting ]