03x26 - April 5, 2001

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". Aired: August 5, 1998 –; present.*
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American improvisational comedy television show, and is an adaptation of the British show of the same name.
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03x26 - April 5, 2001

Post by bunniefuu »

And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?", On tonight's show Is it hot in here or is it you? Greg proops.

You with all those curves and me with no brakes.

Wayne brady.

Do you have any canadian in you? Colin mochrie.

And is that a g*n in your pocket, Or are you just happy to see ryan stiles? I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Well, thanks, everybody.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything is made up And the points don't matter.

That's right, the points don't matter, Just like the first four questions on "millionaire.

" Who cares about points? It's not even a game show.

Let's play a game called "sound effects.

" Colin, you're going to improvise a scene, And he has to respond to sound effects Being made by ryan.

There's your spit-proof I got my own this year.

That's right, 'cause he spits all over it.

I refuse to use the same microphone.

Colin, you're a novice gladiator "gladiator," by the way, Was one of the most historically inaccurate movies ever made.

Making his preparations before entering the coliseum, Trying to win his freedom, like they always did.

So go ahead.

Ryan:

[ flapping tongue ]



[ imitates trumpet fanfare ]

Ohh!

[ making whipping noise ]



[ grunting ]

Ohh.

Ohh! Ohh.



[ imitates trumpet fanfare ]



[ imitates crowd cheering ]



[ making whipping noise ]



[ imitates horse neighing ]



[ makes galloping sound ]



[ imitates neighing ]



[ making galloping sound ]



[ imitates trumpet fanfare ]



[ imitating crowd cheering ]



[ snarling and growling ]



[ makes choking noise ]

Ahh! Uhh.



[ imitates crowd cheering ]



[ booing ]



[ imitates trumpet fanfare ]

Ahh!

[ making galloping noise ]



[ whistles weakly ]



[ blows ]



[ buzzer ]

Oh, man.

That was some whistle.



[ blows ]

Ha ha ha ha.

Whistle.



[ whistles ]

1,000 points for the whistle.

Man, that was hilarious.

Now we're going to do a game called "song styles.

" This is for wayne, With laura hall and linda taylor On piano and guitar.

Now, you don't know what these chairs are all about.

Put the chairs out.

What's going to happen is we're going to get A name of a household object from the audience.



[ shout suggestions ]

Vacuum cleaner.

That sounds great.

So, you're going to sing a song Like you're in a german cabaret About a vacuum cleaner, And greg, colin, and ryan Are going to be your cabaret backup girls.

Come on down here, cabat backup girls.

And ha ha ha ha.

That's it, guys.

So, whenever you're ready, Let's hear the cabaret song about vacuum cleaners.



[ sad music playing ]

Welkommen und damen und herrs.

Und dis is und mein living room.

it was und dirty dirty dirty how could I und cleanin' the floor? I don't know I don't know where would the dirt where would it go? where would it go? I'm needing something inside of my life to take away this dirt from a poor housewife oh, when I did not have a vacuum I'd be old loser but now I am so happy I'm calling mr.

Hoover but now, you see, I like it my vacuum is my friend so now, everybody I spank on his rear end oh, my hoover I am with luck because my hoover is my best friend it sucks this is a job I will not trash it has five of those things on the end to touch und the hoover my girls like hoover and then they put it on the ground it is my sucker and then I go and take the dirt and all oit I hurt ohh, here is my vacuum cleaner my vacuum my vacuum cleaner I'll give you 10,000 points each If you can find me a brain scrubber That'll get that tongue-wagging thing Out of my head So I can sleep tonight.



[ whistling ]

you're about a game too late.

I'm sorry.

I can't help you.

Now he can whistle.



[ whistling ]

Ha ha ha ha.

Good for you.

Okay, we're moving on Moving on to a g-- moving on Moving on to a game called "scenes from a hat" For all four of you.

Greg and wayne, why don't you take your positions? Ryan and colin, take your positions.

Before the show, we asked the audience To write dow different things.

One is things they'd like to see these guys act out.

They're going to act out as many as they can In the time we have, Starting with "rejected state songs.

" come to florida and die come to florida and die

[ buzzer ]

whores and gamblin', whores and gamblin' that's nevada

[ buzzer ]

Ha ha ha ha.

Looks like I'm moving to nevada, then.

"canada the upside.

" So, not many upsides to canada.

"self-help titles that didn't sell well.

" "learn to whistle on cue.

"

[ buzzer ]

"bad things to say when stopped by the police.

"

[ imitates siren wail ]

It's okay.

I'm from canada.



[ buzzer ]

Yes, sir, I'll have a rum and coke.



[ buzzer ]

Of course it's a dead body.

I'm in the diamond lane.



[ buzzer ]

Where's the rest of the village people?

[ buzzer ]

"things that aren't sexy done in a sexy way.

" Things that are not sexy done in a sexy way.



[ buzzer ]



[ buzzer ]

"rejected sayings candy heart valentines.

" "I've always faked it.

"

[ buzzer ]

"ways you can describe your motorcycle But not your girlfriend.

" Just give it a kick and it starts right up.



[ buzzer Ha ha ha ha.

It's small, but it makes a hell of a ise.



[ buzzer ]

It's okay if you don mind the bugs in your teeth.



[ buzzer ]

Ha ha ha ha.

If you really push up tight, you can get three people on it.



[ buzzer ]

Sure you can ride her.

Everyone else has.

Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Right after is.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up and points don't matter.

I'm drew carey, Or as m known in the world of x-rated poetry The man from nantucket.

Yay, drew! Yay, drew! Ha ha ha ha.

Let's go on to a game called "improbable mission.

" Colin and ryan are secret agents.

They're carrying out an everyday activity, And their instructions will be coming from greg.

Here, I'll give you my non-spit-on microphone.

Thanks, mr.

Carey.

What I need from the audience is a mundane everyday activity.



[ shouting suggestions ]

Cooking.

You two are cooking, all right? Cooking.

All right.

Your mission is, uh, cooking.

Go ahead.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning.

Morning.

How are you today? Not bad.

I got a little sore back.

Really? You should see someone about that.

Is there a mison, or There's a mission of the utmost importance, gentlemen.

The grand pooh-bah of snackitoba, A small canadian province, is coming down.

He wants to have breakfast, And he's sick of canadian bacon.

Your mission, if you decide to accept it, Is to cook him breakfast before he gets here In the next 15 minutes.

If you or any of your team are caught or k*lled, I don't want to know your butt.

You're sad losers.

This tape will self-destruct now.

Boom.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Let's get to it, my friend.

Let's get to it.

Man, we're out of eggs.

Wait.

I was implanted with some chicken dna.

What? Give me a second.

It's coming! It's coming! It's a huge one! That was really good dna.

Quick! Get out the pan.

We don't have any pans.

No pans? Wait a minute.

How hot is it out today? Why it's hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.

We can't go outside the door.

Stick your head out the window.

Just do it! Come back in.



[ hisses ]

good.

It's fine.

Now, help me out, But keep your head perfectly still.

Right.

Man, we've got nothing to go with that.

Let me check.

You're right.

What goes with eggs? What goes with eggs? I'm falling apart.

Bacon.

We need bacon.

You weren't a pig at one time, were you? Slice.

Ah, good.



[ hisses ]

There isn't room for hash browns.

All right, we'll just do the toast.

We've got bread, luckily.

Hard as rock.

Hmm.

Your microwave butt.

What? Your microwave butt! Here.

Do me a favor.

What? Do me a favor.

Yeah.

Set it on "light.

" Okay.



[ makes farting noise ]

it's ready.

All right, the eggs are done as well.

Oh, there's nothing like butt toast and head eggs.

Wait! Huh? We need a little vase with a rose in it.

You're crazy.

That's not breakfast.

Hey, he's the great pooh-bah of nackimuffet.

Snackitoba! Oh, so easy! I was never good at geography.

Well, what are we going to use for our vase? We haven't got any fancy things around here.

If only we had a cat.

Oh! This can of beans.

It's close to a cat.

Are you saying open it up? Sure.

Do I have to do everything around here? Jeez, I don't want to waste the beans.

Okay.

Wait.

We need flowers.

That's all right.

I'll use my origami.

Origami? Is that some sort of fancy It's beautiful.

Isn't it? Okay, it's all ready.

My god! What? There's nothing to drink! My god, you weren't No, I had no coffee dna anywhere in me.

I'm not talking coffee, mr.

Moo.



[ buzzer ]

Drew: Thank you very much.

Mr.

Moo.

Mr.

Moo.

I don't know about you, But I saw all I wanted to see.

Pretty quick on that buzzer.

That's right, mr.

Moo.

Wow, we got a new nickname for colin already.

I'm so happy.

Colin moo-chrie.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Co-- ha ha ha ha.

Colin moo-chrie.

Oh, man, that's funny.

He said he was sick of the bald jokes.

Fine, colin moo-chrie.

No more bald jokes.

So, hey, 500 points apiece.



[ whistles ]

Hey, 1,000 'cause you whistled.

Let's go on to a game called "improbable mission.

" Both: Aha! Ah ha ha ha ha! Ryan: Ha! Let's move on To a game called "3-headed broadway stars.

" This is for wayne, ryan, and colin.

Wayne, ryan, and colin, come up here.

"3-headed broadway stars.

" They're going to be a strange 3-headed broadway star, And they're going to sing a broadway song for you One word at a time With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.

And what I need from, uh, Let's do that far section of the audience.

A name of an unlikely musical.

Man: "whistler's mother!" "whistler's mother.

" It's like he's been waiting to shout that all night, huh? So the broadway musical is "whistler's mother," And from this section of the audience, The hit love song from "whistler's mother.

"

[ calling suggestions ]

"whistle on cue.

" "whistle on cue," From the hit broadway musical "whistler's mother.

" Take it away whenever you're ready.



[ hum ]

there's a woman who's there she is beautiful with her long hair and smile her whistling drives me wild

[ whistles ]

she says

[ whistles ]

she does I have two arms she does not I love her arms she loves clothes

[ whistles ]



[ whistles ]

again whistling mother Where did we get lost? We're going to come back and find out who the winner is On "whose line is it anyway?" don't go away.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner greg proops.

Greg proops is the winner.

So we decided that he gets to sit there and relax.

The rest of us are going to do a game called "props.

" It's a really fun game.

Ryan and I will take one set of props.

This is for ryan and myself, and oops.

Greg: For you fellas.

And we have to go back and forth And come up with as many ideas for these props as we can, Starting with you guys.

Yeah, it's a little big, But it makes it easier hitting the bull-eye Bull's-eye.



[ buzzer ]

Well, maybe you don't wear bell bottoms anymore

[ buzzer ]

I'm the old lady smurf.



[ buzzer ]

I have news, princess leia.



[ buzzer ]



[ makes rocket noise ]

The little people have landed.



[ buzzer ]

Ha ha ha ha.

So then I said, "I can't believe the way she's dressed.

" Oh, I couldn't believe it when she came out like that.

Bishop jump queen.



[ buzzer ]

ding da-da dit dit do do do do do

[ buzzer ]

I'm worried about this mole.



[ buzzer ]

Shh.

Here he comes.



[ buzzer ]

Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, hey, we'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" right after this.

hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" As a special treat for ryan tonight 'cause he had so much trouble, So, ryan, here's some whistling lessons free for you.

Have a good night, everybody.

Thanks for watching.

You put the cheeks together, And then whoo.

Whoo.

Whoo.

Push him.

Push.

Push.

Does it hurt? A little to the left.

[ whistles ]
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