03x27 - April 12, 2001

[bunniefuu]

Od evening, everybody, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" On tonight's show -- the baby of the family -- wayne brady.

Daddy's little girl -- kathy greenwood.

The awkward middle child -- colin mochrie, and the redheaded stepkid -- ryan stiles.

And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, hello.

Whoo! Hello, and willkommen to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

The points are something you'll never see, like pat buchanan in the white house, but you don't want to listen to me yapping all night.

Let's start with a game called "questions only.

" This is for everybody.

Kathy and wayne, you're going to start.

This is also a really great party game.

Good game if you're ever at a party with no chicks or booze.

It's called "questions only.

" They're only allowed to speak in questions.

That's all they're allowed to do, and when they go wrong, I'll buzz them, and the other person takes their place.

It's kind of a little contest -- see who can stay out there the longest.

The scene is -- patrons of an old west saloon prepare for the arrival of the notorious ugly g*ng.

Are you ready for the appearance of the notorious ugly g*ng? Whoo-hoo! Well, honey, I've been -- oh, gosh, yes, I am.



[ Buzzer ]

What happened to my teeth? What happened to my teeth? Do you play that in "c" or "d"? What letter would you like? What letter do you think will get you k*lled by the notorious ugly g*ng? Where did you hear that? Would you believe from bob -- the little guy who lives down the road in a tepee? It's true.

Ain't bob an anagram? Aren't you the smart one? Where's the o.

K.

Corral? You'll want to take a left -- mind if --

[ Buzzer ]

Is this where I join up for the ugly g*ng? What the hell happened to you? Who's asking? You ready to draw? Draw what?

[ Buzzer ]

Are you the man they call ugly? You have to ask? Why would they call you ugly? Why do birds fly? Are you feeling something like I'm feeling something? Is that possible?

[ Buzzer ]

I'm going to give 500 points for that to ryan stiles, who can be seen every wednesday at 9:00/8:00 central on the "drew carey show," right here on abc.

You're shameless.

If I'm going to give points, I might as well make it worth my while.

Let's go on to a game called "african chant.

" This is for everybody, with laura hall, linda taylor, and cece worrall.

Hello, how you doing? What's your name, please? Mike.

What do you do for a living? I'm an astronomy graduate student.

I'm sorry, I said, "for a living.

" Ha ha ha.

Okay, that's good enough.

Astronomy graduate student, go and have a seat.

What's up, man? How you doing? Have a seat.

Mike here is an astronomy graduate student.

Yeah, someday he'll be, "would you like pepperoni with that?" Uh sorry.

I know, there's a lot of money in astronomy.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

I don't need a map.

I know where I'm going.

You are a gemini, you must do good things tomorrow.

Okay.

Sorry, we're just -- just some poor guy from the audience, and we're just busting his chops.

Wayne's going to do an african chant to you.

Of course! The other three are going to do backup.

That's the part I don't get.

You're from the suburbs of africa.

Yeah, you're suburbs of africa.

Ha ha ha ha! On a small, nondescript cul-de-sac in africa lives wayne brady.

"Good morning, mr.

Umbutu.

" "Good morning to you!" So, uh, mike is an astronomy graduate student.

Take it away, whenever you're ready.



[ African-style rhythms playing ]



[ Chanting ]

Mike mike mike like to look at the stars 'cause his name is mike mike mike don't understand, don't care how you felt keeps on his pants with orion's belt name is mike mike mike is just a student, but one day mike will use the stars to guide him on his way his name is mike, uh his name is mike, uh his name is mike, uh mike-ai-yai-ike mike-ai-yai-ike mike, if you are good, and I had any luck you could use the stars to find me better backups mi-i-i-ike mi-i-i-ike mike mike mike, let me tell you, I know that it eats ya someday you'll study stars, but you'll end up delivering pizza mike mike oh, mike mike atom-be-lei dee-ta-be-ta-ga-lei what is that, mike? Ryan: ooh what is that, mike? A galaxy.

Mike says that's a galaxy it is full of stars after the show mike is going to get drunk in one of l.

A.

'S bars mi-ike mi-ike his name is mike yai-yai yai-yai-yai his name is mike mike mi-i-ike mi-i-ike mi-ike mi-ike mike

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much, mike.

Thank you very much.

We'll be right back with more "whose line.

" Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" You know when you're on the internet, and you get an instant message that's really disgusting and filthy, but it almost turns you on? That's me.

Now we're going to a game called "the millionaire's show.

" This is for everybody.

Colin, you're going to be host of a game show called "the millionaire show," and ryan is the contestant on the show.

Kathy, you're the friend on the phone.

Wayne, you go up in the audience.

The twist is, here, this is the frisky old people version.

The frisky old people version of "the millionaire show.

" Take it away.

Now you're only two questions from the $1 million.

Oh, hurry up.

I'm not sure how much time I got left.

All right.

If you get that money, what are you going to do with it? Oh, I'm going to quit my job.

Wait a minute, I already did that.

Oh, I don't know.

Just trying to keep you up, there.

Got to get it started back up.

Hold on.

There we go.

You have two lifelines left.

Oh, that's -- I mean that.

You only have two.

I'm like a cat.

You are like a cat.

You keep thinking that.



[ Hisses ]

Are you ready to try for it? Hurry up, my toenails are getting yellow.

Viagra.

Oh, I spent my honeymoon there.

It's by the lake, and the falls -- it's gorgeous.

There goes the first answer.

Well, then, let's just hear the other three.

Viagra is -- "a," a great tourist attraction many people come to see, "b," responsible for something that could be a great tourist attraction that everyone will want to see -- okay.

"C," a godsend, "d," none of the above.

"A," "b," "c," "d.

" Boy, I'm -- "e" -- there is no "e.

" "F" -- same as "e.

" I'm going to have to use a lifeline.

I'm going to call -- it's amazing.

I met a beautiful young girl, 22 years old, and she's fallen in love with me.

If I could get her on the phone.

Get her on her cell phone.

Her name's bambi.

Bambi? Yes, it is.

I'm shocked.

Bambi, are you there? Kathy: I'm here.

Where's my sugar daddy? I'm right here.

She calls me her sugar daddy, 'cause I'm sweet.

Oh, sh**t.

Honey, did you hear the question? I'm sorry.

Ha ha ha ha ha! I love her laugh.

Oh, they don't have to be smart.

They just have to live.

Oh, I'll just go with "a," 'cause it's nice and quick and easy, okay? Who does that remind you of? All right.

Her answer was "a.

" Do you mind if I say goodbye? Goodbye, honey.

Is that it for sure this time? It is.

You keep it warm for me.

Ew.

All right.

So, she said "a.

" The viagra is a tourist attraction.

Ooh, I better change that to "d," then.

"D" is your final answer? No, "a" is.

You picked "a.

" That's right! Oh, my arm! My arm! Okay, I'm all right.

I'm back.

Oh, lord.

You know, that means you're one question away from the million dollars.

I am so excited.

I bet.

Fill in the rest of this quote -- fill in I'm not finished yet.

I haven't finished yet.

"To be or not to" "a," be, "b," see, "c," we, "d," moi.

"To be or not to moi.

" "A.

" I got to use another lifeline.

I'm going to go up into the audience.

Oh, well, sit here.

What, you got someone in the audience? Who are you going to go call? I'm going to go to my caretaker, my caretaker phyllis.

All right, phyllis! Phyllis, for god's sake, watch out for the people in front of you.

Phyllis is from montana.

Oh, yeah.

Great falls, montana.

Huh? Phyllis, did you hear the question, honey? Yeah, I love money.

Everybody love money.

One time I had relations with 45 men at one time.

Those were germans, honey.

This is different times now.

Did you hear the question, honey? What? Both: the question.

Wayne: what? Letter? Who you calling better? Certainly not you.

I hate you.

I can live with that.

I don't -- I'm going to have to go with "b," whatever it is, 'cause I remember in 1947, there was this little man named herman -- she gets into her stories, and she never stops.

She said "b.

" You got to get her a sedative to put her out.

I have to go with what she said.

So you're saying it's "b," "to be or not to see.

" Eh? "A," you're picking "a"? "A" is your final answer? Did I say that? I suppose so then.

You stupid old fool.

You picked "a.

" Oh, oh.

You win.

Are you kidding me? I'm not kidding.

You won.

No, I'm not! You won.

Can you help me? I can't help you.



[ Buzzer ]

You know what the great part about that game was? Uh, 'cause it was the frisky old people version, colin did not have to change his face at all.

Endearing yourself to the crowd.

I was just kidding around, buddy.

I know.

Ha ha ha! Okay, let's move on to one of my favorite games, called "scenes from a hat.

" Before every taping of the show, we ask our audience members to write down suggestions for different things.

One of them is suggestions for this game.

We put them in this hat, see how many suggestions our performers can act out for us, starting with "scenes from the eskimo soap opera.

" You're leaving me?

[ Imitating sawing sound ]



[ Buzzer ]

Oh, johnny, hold me.



[ Buzzer ]

I don't have protection.



[ Buzzer ]

"Rejected show names for 'whose line is it anyway?'" Hi, and welcome to "drew carey's house payment.

"

[ Buzzer ]

It's now time for "drew and friend.

"

[ Buzzer ]

I had no idea.

"What kathy greenwood is thinking right now.

" Oh, god, I love this game!

[ Buzzer ]

Man, that colin.



[ Buzzer ]

"Trying to look cool while doing very uncool things.

"

[ Imitates buzzer ]



[ Buzzer ]



[ Buzzer ]



[ Buzzer ]

"What women say to each other in the bathroom during the 'whose line' intermission.

" Sylvia? Yeah? Can you sing a hoedown? This is going to be noisy.



[ Buzzer ]

I don't think drew has any pants on under his desk.



[ Buzzer ]

"Odd things to see written on highway warning signs.

" "Look in your back seat.

"

[ Buzzer ]

Ha ha ha.

"Titles for colin mochrie's autobiography.

" "How I m*rder*d drew carey.

"

[ Buzzer ]

"You don't need hair to satisfy every woman you've met.

"

[ Buzzer ]

It's true.

"Other things you can see from the moon besides the great wall of china.

" Look, those are ryan's shoes.



[ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner -- kathy greenwood.

I think it was all that jumping up and down that did it.

She's the winner.

The rest of us are going to do a game called "hoedown.

" Our favorite game "hoedown," with laura hall on the piano.

Laura.

What I need from this section of the audience -- something that happened to you that you want to keep secret.

Got arrested.

Let's do the "got arrested hoedown.

" Take it away, laura hall.



[ Plays saloon-style stomp ]

Don't make fun of the police, I say, stop! Because one of my best friends is a cop because I like the way that they do their thing I say, "hey, it's a good thing my name isn't rodney king" when I was arrested, it wasn't good for me they b*at me, and they stripped me and they searched my cavity "why did this happen to such a guy?" You say well, to tell you the truth it was 'cause I was arrested in l.

A.

I am quite unbalanced, my mind is not that steady I once pummeled a guy with an eveready they took me down to jail, and they arrested me and they charged me with as*ault with a battery I got sent to prison, I didn't know what to do I felt so bad because I was so new didn't know the ways there, I felt like such a dope but now I never bend down to pick up any soap all: pick up any soap thank you, everybody.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight we're going to have everybody read the credits.

You guys are going to read the credits as frisky old people.

Thanks for watching.

Good night.

Dan patterson.

And jimmy mulville.

And there goes tom park.

You remember tom park? What do you say we go over to bruce ryan's? Sounds good to me.

Vine.

Ron west! Brad zerbst.

I remember him.

I'm a frisky -- I'm a frisky old person!