03x29 - April 26, 2001

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, everybody, and welcome To "whose line is it anyway?" on tonight's show I have a head for business and bod for sin wayne brady.

I'll have what she's having kathy greenwood.

I am not an animal colin mochrie.

And you're going to need a bigger boat ryan stiles.

Hi, I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, thank you very much.

Welcome.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?", The show where everything is made up, And the points don't matter.

That's right, the points are like a dog leash in tijuana.



[ all laughing ]

If you never saw the show before, These guys make up everything you see.

Then we give them fakey points to keep the show rolling.

At the end of the show, we pick a fake winner.

I can't tell you what happens to the losers, But it involves A brass hand pump and saddle chimes.

Ha ha ha! That'll be pretty exciting to watch.

Let's start with a game called "film, tv, and theater styles.

" This is for ryan, colin, and kathy.

They're going to act out a scene.

But first from the audience I want to get your favorite style Of television, of film, Or favorite style of theater.



[ shouting ]

Horror Sci-fi"muppets" m*rder mystery.

"brady bunch.

" What? Oh, dog show.

That's a good one.

Dog show, "croc hunter" "hunter.

" "charlie's angels.

" okay.

We got lots of them.

If I can read my writing, this will be great.

It's hard to read.

So what's going to happen Is they're going to start out a scene as normal, Then I'm going to jump in with different styles.

And they're going to put them in.

The scene is Ryan is a truck driver running late.

He stops to give a ride to hitchhikers colin And his pregnant wife kathy who's in labor.

Remember those good old days? Yeah.

Okay, so go ahead and start normal.

I'll buzz in with another style in a minute.



[ kathy breathing deeply ]

Breathe, breathe.

Watch the shirt.



[ imitates truck brakes ]

Hi, could we get a ride? My wife is in labor.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hop right in.

Well, hopping is really not an option.

Oh, wait, wait, wait! Hop! Take her out! Hop! All right.

Come on, honey, hop, hop.



[ buzzer ]

Sci-fi.

Oh, my god.

Sci-fi.

Oh, my god.

Yes, get in quickly.

Get in quickly, quickly.

Fasten up your seat belts.

Something is coming.

Why, there's a great light coming from within! It's a cop.

Okay, good.

Hide behind that asteroid.

Oh, no, it's coming! There are tentacles, there are tentacles!

[ buzzer ]

"charlie's angels.

" Quick get my sutures! Oh.

Are you in pain? Do you need to be freeze!

[ buzzer ]

"brady bunch.

" She's a cute kid.

Do you kids want me to make you some lemonade Before sam gets here? Why do you always have to have the children? Marcia, marcia, marcia! Look, can we get out of the truck? It's too cramped in here for all of us.

Oh, my nose!

[ buzzer ]

Uh, m*rder mystery.

I think you should hand the baby over to me.

Not so fast, rocco.

I'm taking the baby And the cord.



[ buzzer ]

"crocodile hunter.

"

[ australian accent ]

right.

Now let's wrap the little guy up So he don't get cold.

Carefully.

Don't spook him.

Right.

Throw him on his back, Wrap his snout with some duct tape.

Careful.

Isn't he a beauty? Oh, honey.

He could k*ll you in 30 seconds.

Ow.

Really?

[ buzzer ]

Just stay like that for a minute.

Okay.

Are you talking to her or me? Both of you.

Um, "gong show.

" See how that works out.

All right, We're going to have to rate that delivery.

We'll hear from jaye p.

Morgan.

Well, I thought it sucked.

That's the best jaye p.

I do.



[ buzzer ]

All right.

Just a taste of "the gong show.

" That was good enough.

Horror show horror movie.

You two aren't married? No.

You whore.

Horror, horror.

Horror.

You two Sorry.

I'm sorry.



[ buzzer ]

1,000 points to ryan for using the wordOn national tv.

Let's go on to a game called "song styles.

" This is for wayne With laura hall and linda taylor.

Laura hall and linda taylor.

Drew: Hi.

What's your name? Michelle.

Michelle.

What do you do for a living, michelle? I'm a meter maid.

You're a meter maid here in l.

A.

? Orange county.

Orange county? Oh, good.

Okay, good.

Come over here.

In that case, since you'll never get me, Come on down here.

Say hi to wayne brady.

Wayne, that's michelle.

She's a meter maid, but not here.

Down in, uh, behind the orange curtain, And you're going to sing a song to her We forgot we don't have a big clock for you, But you're going to be singing as public enemy.

Just me.

yeah, boy Check this out it's the year 2001.

Can't park your car over there! Yo, hit it, chuck.

Tell them what time it is! understand try to get the black man I can't park my car, can't park my van don't you understand? Man, I'm suing park in the white zone or be towin' understand this, man, I can't stand it you're going to park me, I'm going to trap it are you going to do that? Can't park fast try to give a brother ticket my ass brother don't want no ticket no, no a brother don't want no ticket oh, yeah tick, tick, tick, tick, tick a brother don't want no ticket understand this you are the meter maid, miss don't give me no ticket, I'm the fellow rip it up always when I see it's yellow can't do that, man, how does it feel? walk outside, ticket on the windshield I'm a black man full of rage oh, take that, rip out a page take those tickets, stomp on it come to the meter maid, take your bonnet yeah, boy, hit them one time don't like it can't ticket the power what? got to fight the ticket power got to fight the ticket power Don't get no ticket, man! Yeah! Peace.

Thank you, michelle.

Thank you, michelle.

Whoo! Well I thought it had a really good message, And you can dance to it, so I'll give it 97 points.

Scared the hell out of that little girl.

That's right.

Give me a ticket.

Yeah, that's scary to people in orange county Black power stuff.

Shakes them up, man.

All right, that was great.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" Right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"s.

The "cops" of comedy television.

All right, let's move on To a game called "the millionaire show.

" This is for colin and everybody else.

Colin, you're going to be the host Of a game called "the millionaire show.

" Ryan, you're going to be a contestant on the show.

Kathy, you're going to be the friend on the phone, And wayne is going to be the guy in the studio audience, Even though that's not the way they do it really on the show, But that's how we do it here.

You be the guy in the audience.

The twist here is this is the jerry springer version Of "the millionaire show.

" Take it away whenever you're ready, colin.

I can't believe You're just two questions away from $1 million, You

[ makes bleeping noises ]

Head! You do that again, and you'll see what happens.

Sorry.

You rightly answer this, And you'll be one step closer to $1 million.

A million bucks? I can get a double-wide trailer.

Okay, here's your question.

All right.

If your mother divorces your "father" And marries your aunt's uncle's father's son Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You don't know about me! Shut up! You don't know

[ audience booing ]

Okay, sit down! They don't know nothing about me.

Oh, they don't want to know nothing about you.

All right, it's okay.

I see you.

That's okay, that's all right! You don't know nothing about me.

Sit down.

Relax.

All right, so if your mother marries Your aunt's uncle's father's son Yeah? What relationship are you now to yourself? Are you "a" your own grandfather, "b" your own uncle, "c" your own sister, "d" your husband? Remember, you've got two lifelines.

I want to go up into the audience And talk to a man who I think is my daddy.

Yes, you, sir, The guy who looks remarkably like our guest.



[ squealing like a pig ]

Hey, what you want? You got the question.

The answers are "a," "b," "c," or "d.

" Hey, don't talk to me like that.

I'll come down there and whip your shiny ass! Huh? You want some of this? You want some You want some of this? Huh? I played football in high school.

I'll it's "d.

" You sure? No, but then again, I'm not sure if you're my son.

How you doing, darling? All right, come on, what is it? He said "d.

" I'll go with "d.

" That's your final answer? No, I'll go with "c.

" That's your second answer? I'll go with "a.

" I got a lot of canadian friends.

What's that about canadians? Hey, you want some of this? Oh, I wouldn't want that on a plate.

"a.

" That's your final answer? Yeah.

You stupid

[ makes bleeping noise ]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

What? That's right! Whoo, whoo! You were lucky.

All right, you get this right, You get $1 million.

You can buy your double-wide.

All right.

Or a woman.

Okay.

Here is your question.

Your tr*nsv*stite lover and you Are invited to a black-tie affair.

Do you "a" pass her off as your wife, "b" pass her off as your brother, "c" pass her off as your husband, "d" tell her to lose the chaps? Wow.

I don't know anything about vampires.

Transvestites Huh? Not transylvanians, you moron.

Transvestites! Oh, transvestites.

I'm going to have to use a lifeline.

I'm going to have to make a call and use a lifeline.

Okay, make a call.

All right, I want to call the mother of my baby My sister alicia.

You can get it, right? Yeah, you don't have to phone her.

All right.

You there? Yeah.

Hey, I was just about to call you.

My frilly underwear is missing again.

Well, I ain't wearing it.

Yeah, right, you ain't wearing it.

What do you want?

[ southern accent ]

is it "a," "b," "c," or "d"? I don't know where I got an accent from all of a sudden.

You know shh.

When I talk to her, I talk with an accent.

I don't want her to know where I'm from.

Don't ever touch me again! Hey, baby, is it "a," "c," "d," or "d"? I don't "a "b," "c," or "d"? Well, I don't know which of them numbers it is.

I'd say "c.

" Is that your favorite number? Yeah, baby Colin: You know what? She's right here! Come out! Honey, if I get this question right, I win myself $100.

All right! And I've been sleeping with her.

She's two men! Oh, ow! You

[ makes bleeping noise ]



[ buzzer ]

You know, maybe it's just me, But when ryan was running around like that all happy, Didn't he look a little bit like larry bird? 1,000 points for you.

Let's go on to a game called "the millionaire show.

" Nope, let's not.

Man.

Just a second.

Let's go on to a game called "motown group.

" This is for wayne, colin, and ryan.

With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.

Laura hall and linda taylor.

What I need from the audience Is a suggestion of an outdoor profession.



[ shouting ]

Carjacker.

Carjacker.

That's a job now.

Yeah.

That's a j-o-b job.

Carjacker.

So you're going to do a song like a motown group, And you're going to be singing One guy is going to sing.

The other two are going to do backup, And let's hear the song "do the carjacker.

" Take it away.



[ playing motown-style music ]

Hey, everybody, let me tell you about a brand new dance.

It's called the carjacker.

well, let me tell you something don't open your doors I don't have a car, man, I want yours don't you see nothing can never stop that? I'm going to take your car and throw away the lojack why? Why? I like to jack, yeah do the carjack Get out, shut up! the carjack shut up, get out.

Colin: every day I like to go carjack carjack gonna take your car you're never gonna get it back get it back the latest one they took made me perspire 'cause I had firestone tires kaboom carjack kaboom carjack oh, baby, I don't know why I steal don't you know, baby, that's sometimes how I feel the last time I stole I didn't get far the vehicle I took was a police car I'm a fool I took a cop car he took a cop car Ryan: Yeah, that's what I did.

first you got to grab a mask, put it on your face if you want to do it, and you do it right you wait right here at the red light excuse me get your ass out and then you jump on in that's what it's all about do the carjack, oh, yeah do the carjack whoo do the carjack not gonna get it back do the carjack yeah

[ buzzer ]

We're going to go see a commercial.

We'll be right back.

welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner kathy greenwood is the winner.

Kathy greenwood is the winner, Which means the rest of us Get to do our favorite game in the whole wide world All: "hoedown.

" With the help of laura hall on the piano helping us out.

What I need from the audience Is a suggestion of a glamorous profession.

Ryan stiles! No, we said a glamorous profession.

What? "playboy" photographer.

The "playboy" photographer hoedown.

Take it away, laura hall.

I've got a job, now don't you all laugh I work for hugh hefner, I take photographs but I stopped today, I don't want to be rude but you said, "hey, wayne, take pictures of drew nude" when I was young I took up photography then I worked for "playboy," hee hee hee hee hee what's the best thing about working over there? well, I saw wayne's mom in her underwear How did you know? You've got a fine mama.

I am a photographer, but I'm not the best I have a hard time photographing chests I called an expert who lived out west because when it comes to this, father knows breast I'm taking pictures of drew out by his pool he wants to be in the nude, I think that's kind of cool he's paying me lots of money, all of it in 10s after looking at him I think I'll need a telephoto lens All: a telephoto lens We'll be right back with more "whose line" Right after this.

I tried to save your life

[ bleep ]

Tonight we're goingo to have kathy greenwoody?" Read the credits for you.

Kathy, I want you to read the credits As a woman in labor, and you're shouting abuse At all the men who might be the father.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

See you next time.

Bye.

I know who you are! I think it's dan patterson! I'm going to k*ll you For getting me into this situation! Tom park, tom park, look what you did to me! Oh, no, it was colin mochrie! Oh, no, it was colin mochrie! It wasn't kristan andrews or john perches.

[ panting ]