03x32 - May 3, 2001

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". Aired: August 5, 1998 –; present.*
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American improvisational comedy television show, and is an adaptation of the British show of the same name.
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03x32 - May 3, 2001

Post by bunniefuu »

And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" On tonight's show "I'll tan your hide" greg proops, "I'll stop your allowance" wayne brady, "I'll turn this car around right now" colin mochrie, And "I'll give you something to cry about" ryan stiles, And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Thank you.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Thank you.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything is made up And the points don't matter.

That's right.

The points are like the fruit plate at a rib joint.

Let's go on to a game called "superheroes.

" This is for all four of you.

You're going to act out a scene as unlikely superheroes.

Greg is going to start.

They'll name each superhero as they come in And try to screw the other guy up.

What I need from the audience Is a name of an unlikely superhero.

Man: Captain flatulence! He did it already.

All right, thanks for coming prepared.

What? Man: Captain dandruff! Captain dandruff I like.

What's the crisis for captain dandruff? Man: No more shampoo! No more shampoo, captain dandruff.

What are you going to do? Stand by for the next episode.

Oh, another day here at the fortress of dandruff.



[ sniffs ]

ooh, I wonder Was captain flatulence just here? Great leaping snowy flakes of dead skin! There's no shampoo left on earth! I hope my super friends arrive soon.

Sorry I'm late.

It was snowing outside.

It's just me.

Thank goodness you're here, elvis kid.



[ as elvis presley ]

well, it's great to be here, baby.

There ain't no shampoo left, baby, There ain't no shampoo.

Absolutely.

I hurried over as quickly as I could.

Oh, captain bondage.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, baby.

How do you do that? No flakes at all.

I admire you.

There's no shampoo left in the world.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, thank god you're here, Trick tap-dancing kid.

Well, I'm here to help you guys, huh? You guys need help? That's some pretty good dancing you got there, baby.

There's no shampoo.

Quick I'll go to the store.

Who was that man? I wanted to spank him.

That's my shtick.

I hope you're not tied up next time.

Well, I better get going.

Help me out and get this other leg started.

I got it.



[ buzzer ]

That was great.

Three to four points apiece.

It's the same three to four points That the polls use for their margin of error.

Let's go on to a game Called "film, tv, and theater styles.

" This is for ryan, colin, and wayne.

Ryan, colin, and wayne.

They're going to act out a scene for you, And I'm going to make them Adopt different film and tv styles, And I'm going to get them from the audience here.

What I need from the audience is your favorite film style, Theater style, or style of television.

What? "xena," "hee haw.

" What? Oh, burlesque.

That's a good one.

Man: Spaghetti western.

Spaghetti western.

What? Animation, "charlie's angels.

" Man: Spanish soap opera! Spanish soap opera.

Okay, we got enough, So let's go with the film, tv, and theater styles, And you're going to start out normally, And then I'll buzz you in after we get going.

The scene is you are three soldiers Wading through a dangerous river On a mission to blow up an enemy bridge.

Colin is the tough sergeant, And ryan and wayne are two rookies Who have reached their breaking point.

Take it away.



[ yelling incoherently ]

Quack, quack.

Hey, what was that for? We're supposed to be on a mission.

I've reached my breaking point.

Aah!

[ buzzer ]

Uh, anime.

That's a shame.

What we all need is bigger g*ns.



[ buzzer ]

"charlie's angels.

"

[ buzzer ]

Spanish soap opera.



[ speaks spanish ]



[ speaks spanish ]

Maria conchita alonso.

Greg: Ha ha ha ha! Cuando?

[ speaks spanish ]

burrito west covina.

Cuando, cuando, cuando?

[ buzzer ]

Oh, wh the hell.

Burlesque.

What we got to do is we got to k*ll some of those guys that never get away k*ll some guys that never get away Wayne: k*ll some guys, I got to k*ll some guys

[ buzzer ]

Uh, that was great.

I'll give 1,000 points, but in pesos.

Now let's go on to a game called "wedding.

" This is for everybody, With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.

Raise your hand if you're married real quick.

Raise your hand if you're married.

Anybody else married? Raise your hand.

Okay, hold on a second.

And what's your name? Kristen.

Kristen.

What's your name? I'm erik.

What is it that kristen does that really bugs you? She stresses like you would not believe.

Stresses like I wouldn't believe.

I might believe it.

Come on down here, kristen.

Man: Whoa! I caught myself.

I caught myself.

Man.

Man, 200 crew guys just yelled "my mortgage!" Man.

We were just watching our career pass before our eyes up here.

Drew Whew, man.

I used to be on tv.

Yeah.

So, kristen, you stress out About a lot of things real easily, And what we're going to pretend here Is that you just married colin, And greg is the master of ceremonies At your wedding reception, And he'll explain everything as he goes, So whenever you're ready take it away, greg.

Greg: We are all so happy for colin and kristen, Aren't we, ladies and gentlemen? What a fabulous, fabulous day.

Now, your ex-husband erik Was such a butthead, wasn't he? Oh, yeah.

He really made you angry, didn't he? Oh, yes.

Oh, he just complained all the time.

About everything.

About everything.

How long were you guys married anyway? About seven months.

What a jerk.

So, has she been stressing about today, col? Well, she's been a little stressed because she worried The dress made her look a little hippy.

Oh, no, no.

But she looks beautiful.

She's the most beautiful bride I've ever seen.

Is she better than your last three wives, you think? Ixnay, ixnay, ixnay, ixnay.

Whoa, whoa.

Look, this is a family occasion.

We just want you to relax, And we have got a special relative here.

It's your uncle bob, colin.

Hello.

Hi.

Honey, I'm so happy for you.

It's all right, it's all right.

It's an open bar today, isn't it, uncle bob? I'm not paying for it.

My brother is.

Now, uncle bob, You used to take colin for walks, didn't you? Yes, which was very odd.

I thought I was kristen's uncle, But I was called I'm so drunk I can't remember.

Oh, well, I'm actually both their uncles, Which is very odd, But we're from the south, so what the hell.

Yeah, she's always been stressed.

You know, en she was born, She came out and slapped the doctor.

Why don't you hammer down a little more booze? All righty, I will.

Have a very special guest in here today.

I think you know who it is, col.

Come on out, wayne.

Uh, well, this is, um Did I tell you that I toured with james brown? But this is his brother wayne brown.

Oh, hey, that's my nephew! You know what? I brought him here.

He's going to sing to you about 1,000 different ways to relax And get through this marriage the way it should be.

It's the first dance.

This is going to be so romantic.



[ speaking incoherently ]

Ha ha ha ha! Give me somethin'! Hey! listen to me now, listen to me now now you got to stop stressing, that ain't great when you're number one, got to hesitate you got to grab the candles, do your best take something, smoke incense that's what you got to now got to relax what you got to do? Said you got to relax hey! now! all you want to do don't stress everybody knows that that girl don't take no mess maybe if you can't relax like I told you maybe better go get the blankets and you practice some yoga 'cause you got to relax got to relax Congratulations, everybody.

I got to go.

I got to go.

I got a concert.



[ buzzer ]

Thank you.

We'll be right back With more "whose line" right after this.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Of course, the show where everything is made up And the points don't matter.

Hey, next week our special guest Will be bigmouth billy, the singing joke-telling bass.

Let's continue on with a game called "greatest hits.

" This is for colin, ryan, and wayne With laura hall and linda taylor.

In this game, Colin and ryan are going to be two tv pitchmen Talking about the latest compilation album They're trying to sell.

They're going to make up names of songs, And wayne is going to try to sing them.

What we need from the audience is a type of vacation.

Man: Safari! Okay, safari, since you were so enthusiastic about it.

Safari it is.

So the album is "songs of the safari.

" Take it away.

We'll be back to our afternoon special "the little red engine that got 5 to 10 for arson.

" Hey, colin Yes, ryan.

What word comes before "so good"? Pretty good.

No.

Safari safari so good.

See what I'm saying? Why, ryan, that's almost like humor.

But there won't Well, you know, Sometimes a safari can be funny, colin Yes.

And musical at the same time.

That's why we've assembled six songs on eight cds.

Six songs in eight cds? Yeah, a couple of the songs are really long.

Wow.

You know, I don't know if you know, But I was in the chorus on broadway I didn't know that.

Yes, in the early '40s to '60s.

Oh.

I didn't get very far, and I broke my hip 15 times.

Hip, hip, hooray! Anyway, one of the broadway shows I performed in Was a bob fosse show, And one of the best safari-related songs Came from that show entitled "there's a pygmy in my pocket And a rhino on my tail.

" listen, I've got no fear what was that? Oops, it's a spear I got a pygmy in my pocket ow and a rhino on my tail I got a little 6-inch native he's poking me in the pocket and it feels like the rhino has got his horn shoved up into my socket I got a pygmy in the pocket, rhino on the tail a pygmy in the pocket ow, ow I got a pygmy in my pocket ow, that hurts pygmy, rhino pygmy what are you talking about? I got a pygmy in the pocket and a rhino on my Tail

[ pretending to speak native language ]

That musical won 15 tonys And a jeff.

Hey, ryan, what's the matter? Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just thinking about a pygmy in my pocket.

You know Scat, scat, scat, scat, scat.

I'm not saying go.

I'm just telling you one of my favorite music styles.

Boy, I didn't clue in to that at all.

Scat is one of my favorites, And I think one of my all-time favorite tunes.

As a matter of fact, My mother used to scat me to sleep With this little number.

I bet.

If I knew how to, I'd do the same thing.

Of course, my favorite song "hey, what did I step in?"

[ scatting ]

safari jeep

[ scatting ]

elephant take a little photo hey! oops what I step in?

[ scatting ]

the guano hey, what did I step in? spore scat, scat, scat scat, scat what did I step in? Hey, you know what, colin? What, ryan? If you play that particular song backwards, You can understand every word.

That is simply amazing, and if you call right now, We will send you absolutely free They can't call right now.

The lines are busy.

Now they can call, now they can call.

Now you can call, And we will send you absolutely free The packaging it comes in.

All right Hey, col Yeah, ry.

What do you like on your burritos Or your taco chips? Why, a little bit of paper.



[ drew laughing ]

Say the paper you're eating is kind of bland.

What would you put on the paper To make it more exciting? Salt.

Sa salsa.

One of my favorite music styles, And no song is closer to my heart Than that great salsa hit simply titled

[ imitates elephant trumpeting ]

because I'm at the watering hole with all of the animals in the jungle I see the giraffe he's so tall, he makes me laugh but then the pachyderm comes and gives me a bath he says Olé, olé olé, olé olé, olé to me listen, mr.

Elephant, I'm not talking junk if you goTo me I might hit you in your trunk but he says

[ imitates elephant trumpeting ]

he goes Olé!

[ buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line" Right after this.

Don't go anywhere.

Se tonight's winner "whose greg proops!Yway?" Greg proops is the winner.

What we're going to do for you Is we're going to sing a quick song for you Called "3-headed broadway," and we're going to pretend to be A strange 3-headed broadway star, And we're going to sing a song to michelle here, So we need the name If you were going to write a broadway hit show, What would the name of the broadway hit show be? Man: Doing time! What? "doing time"? "doing time," and if we were going to sing A big love song from that show to michelle here From the broadway hit "doing time," What would the name of that song

[ shouting ]

"b-block wife.

" I like that.

"b-block wife," So, michelle, this is to you.

It's from the hit broadway musical "doing time" Called "b-block wife.

" One word at a time we're going to make it up.

b block wife that's you dear I don't love any other but you b block wife why don't you come to my cell late ter shower with me don't drop the soap be my b block wife and I'll be your con Thank you, michelle.

Thank you very much.

You can go back to your seat.

Oh, thanks for watching "whose line.

" For you tonight to end the show.

I want all you guys to read the credits As characters from a spanish soap opera.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

See you later.

Señor patterson, señor carey.

Sí.

Señor mark leveson.

Oh, sí, sí.

No, no, no, no.

[ speaking spanish ]

Yo quiero taco bell.

You cannot do that to me.
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