04x03 - September 20, 2001

[bunniefuu]

To "whose line is it anyway?" on tonight's show, Wow.

That ride looks scary wayne brady.

Wow.

That ride looks fast chip esten.

Wow.

This ride is fast colin mochrie.

And, oh, no, that thing is going to be ryan stiles.

And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down, let's have some fun.

Hello.

Hello and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?," Where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

That's right, the points are worthless, Just like shaquille o'neal at the free throw line.

It's true.

Just kidding around if I ever run into you, buddy.

If you never saw the show before, These guys make up everything Off the top of their heads.

We give fakey points at the end of every round, And at the end we pick a winner.

The winner gets to sit here and relax While the losers have a very good chance Of discovering the woman within.

Let's start out with a game called "weird newscasters.

" This is for everybody.

Come on down here.

Uh, colin Colin is going to be the anchor of a news show.

Chip, you're the co-anchor, a young cowboy rodeo star Sports, you're doing.

Wayne, wayne, you are The entire United States synchronized swimming team.

Uh, ryan, you're doing the weather.

You're rapidly descending the evolutionary scale.

Uh, so, whenever you're ready, colin.

Whenever you hear the music, start the news.



[ news theme plays ]

Welcome to the 6:00 news.

I'm your anchor puffy "don't need" combs.

Our top story today An entire cult of dead k*ller bees Were found dead.

They are thought to have committed insecticide.



[ applause ]

And now over to our co-anchor Dewey don't-ey.

Dewey? Okay.

Oh, all right.

Here we go.

Okay, go now, now, now! Whoo! Whoo!

[ cheers and applause ]

And now over to sports With our sports anchor juan tanamara.

Juan? Hello.

Today in sports, all the football teams Are going to make a clink A big splash.



[ humming ]

Back to you.

This just in It's still not really a sport.

And now Chip: You damn right.

Mm-hmm.

And now over to weather With our weatherman dippy deloo.

Dippy? Thank you very much, colin.

As you can see, We've got, uh, rain coming in for the, uh, For the, uh, the weekend, And the clouds will be going away.

They'll all be

[ makes buzzer sound ]

You each get 1,000 points.

Let's go on to party quirks.

Back to you.

Well, that's all the news that's fit to tell.

See you tomorrow on the 6:00 news.

Good night.

All right, I'll just leave now.

That was ringling brothers.

They want their shoes back.

Oh, all right.

Emmett can't go on without his shoes.

All right, just to be a big man, 1,000 points apiece.

Yes.

I can take it.

Doesn't bother me.

Tall big-nosed freak, you.

Let's go to a game called "narrate.

" This is for colin and the freak.

Oh, man.

Colin and the tall freak.

What we need from the audience Is an unlikely place for a film noir scene.

Man: Bathroom.

Man #2: Bike shop.

Bike shop.

So you're at a bike shop.

Not the best suggestion, but for the freak, He can make anything funny, right, freak? I'm sorry.

You just have to forget now.

Okay, so, colin and the freak, You're going to act out a film noir scene T in a bike shop.

Take it away whenever you're ready.



[ slow piano music playing ]

15 years ago, someone stole my schwinn.

I've been searching all across america And four continents.

I knew there were others, But I was pretty sure they weren't there.

Everywhere led me to this strange bike shop Where I noticed the owner was blowing up a zeppelin.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a special schwinn Has a banana seat And an "I love canada" sticker.



[ applause ]

Really? Yeah.

He asked for a banana seat.

I wonder why.

A banana seat, you say? They're kind of rare nowadays.

Are they? You don't have anything like that in the shop? Well, I got one bike in the back room.

Really? Having been blinded by his tie, It took me a wle to see That he actually had a banana seat Sticking out the top of his pants.

This was the man I'd been looking for For 15 years.

Now was time for him to pay.

What's this? Th my baeat! My banana seat! I'm going to get my g*n.

As he was going for his g*n, Several emotions ran across my face Fear, happiness, sadness.

I knew I was going for an ey And yet would never get one.

Man.

Hey, what do you think you're doing with that? I want the seat back.

I want the seat back now.

What do you want with it? I'll hold that.

He asked me what I wanted with it, And although I didn't know, at this point I thought Maybe I shouldn't have given him the g*n.

I want you to assemble my bike The way it was 15 years ago From all the scrap around here right now.

Do it fast.

Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky, squeaky.

Clunk.

Yeah, it was put together, But wait till you see what happens When he rides it.



[ makes crashing sound ]

I didn't want the firestone tires.



[ buzzer ]

1,000 points, everybody.

10,000 points to ryan.

I'm sorry I called you freak.



[ imitates gorilla ]

You're not a freak.

You're my friend.

I shouldn't have called you freak on national tv.

Audience: Aw.

And

[ laughs ]

I love you.

All right, good enough.

A very special "whose line is it anyway?" I did.

I felt bad the whole show, The whole scene, because I called him a freak.

I felt great While I was doing that monkey thing.

Now let's go on to a game called "duet.

" This is for chip and wayne With laura hall and linda taylor.

What's your name? Marilee.

What do you do for a living? Pet photographer.

Where, at sears or someplace? Oh, just on the street? You just walk up to strangers? Okay, come on down here and say hi to everybody.

Okay, go have a seat.

This is marilee.

She's, uh Nobody does it like marilee.



[ laughs ]

Marile she's a pet photographer.

She doesn't work anywhere.

She just walks up to people And takes pictures of their pets, I guess.

You're going to sing a song to her In the style of, uh, aerosmith and run-dmc.

run, run-dmc, t.

C.

Fresh, fresh.

Yow! Yeah.

well, I met a little girl and I met her at the corner and I took her to see my pet and she took a little picture with a big bad camera and a picture that I won't forget and I got my little bowzer, a cute little schnauzer and I took him in and got some fleas but I took her to a house and she saw a little mouse and she said to my dog, "say cheese" Y-y-yow, yow, yow! let me tell you something, she's in to see the attic realize this, I've got an automac what can I do? Man, I'm bored oh, my goodness, she's got a polaroid yes, her job, it's not a toughy took a picture of scruffy that what sheo, that's what she does hey, man, what was it that you took the picture of my dog she she took a picture of my dog Yeah.

Y-y-yow! Yow! Yow! Fresh, fresh.



[ buzzer ]

Yeah! Bow-bow-wow.

That was great.

We'll be right back With more "whose line.

" don't go away.

hey, welcome back to "whose line iit anyway?" We get a lot of people asking us, "how can I be e of the cast mbers On 'whose line is it anyway?'" here'shat you do.

Take a naked polaroid of yourself, Send it to "I want to be on whose line," Care of "whose line.

" That's how I got on.

Anyway, we're going to move on With aame called "infomcial.

" Is is for ryan and col.



[ applause ]

St set this one up here.

You ve your bo What I need from the audience is a, uh, suggestion Of somhing you might see sold For self-improvement or beauty enhancement.

Woman: Toupee.

Man: Hair removal.

Hair removal.



[ laughter ]

Hair removal.

So you're selling, uh, hair removal products On an infomercial.

Wonder how good they work.

You have to use all the items we put in that box for you.

So take it away whenever you're ready.

Hi, there.

We're the phillips twins.

Notice anything different about us

[ drew laughs ]

That's right one of us has lots of ha, Thother has so hair.

Because the chicksove it.

That's why

[ cheers and applause ]

We have come up with a hair removal process That will make you 10 times sexier Than anyone with hair and a big nose.

That's right.

That's right, and through 10 easy steps, You can achieve a look like this.

And it's cheap.

What have we got here first, brother? Well, let's take a look at No, let's wait for that, colin.

What's that look like to you? Why, it looks like a thing That measures things when you squirt.

A baster? Is that what you're thinking about? That's exactly I didn't want to lose anyone with all the technical terms.

No, colin, actually, This has 100 times the sucking power Of any baster.

How will that help you with hair removal? Wait a minute, colin.

You seem to have one in your neck there.

I'll just save that.

And it's painless.

It's okay.

We're twins.

That's an odd piece of something.

It certainly is.

Oh, man.

Exactly.

You know, If you're going to be an olympic swimmer, say, Or just someone who needs no chest hair, This is the item for you.

Easy just squeeze until the hairs are seized, Then very gently rip! Aah! Oh.

You know, After the hair is removed, There's nothing like a good buff.

Now, colin, A lot of times- A lot of times You might remove a little too much hair, But remember that follicle is still in there.

You can always get the hair To pop back up into your scalp

[ cheers and applause ]

Just that easy, And if you act by tomorrow, We'll give you this special gift.

do-de-de-do I have no hair! Now You may think to yourself

[ laughing ]

do-de-de-do do-de-de-do I have no hair.

You may think to yourself, "hey, you know what? After my hair is gone, "I might not always like the look "and women might not find it attractive.

"how do I get their interest? Maybe with a sense of humor?" That's why we've thrown this in free.



[ buzzer ]



[ cheers and applause ]

do-de-de-do Both: I have no hair.

do-de-de-do We interrupt this show For this special announcement do-de-de-do I have no hair.

You'd listen if people did that.

I sure would.

I wish people had to make Every announcement about their shortcomings like that.

do-de-de-do Ryan's shoes are too loud.

Uh, let's move on to a game called "hoedown.

" That's my favorite game.

"hoedown," with the help of laura hall on the piano.

Thank you, laura.

Over in the far section over there, Tell me something that happened to you That you want to keep secret.

Woman: Blind date.

A "blind date hoedown.

" Let's hear the "blind date hoedown," laura hall.

Take it away.

Whoo-hoo! you see somethin', my datin' life is bad I opened up the newspaper and then I read an ad the ad said it was great, and so I did not blunder I opened up the door, and there was stevie wonder once I got a blind date, I really liked her smile he was very tall, though, his name was ryan stiles I went right on through it, that date was pretty rough sure, it was a blind date, but I wasn't blind enough I went on a blind date, her name was lovely kate everything was wonderful, boy, it really was great and what happened next, I tell you it is true when I went and kissed her, she went do-de-de-de-do-do I met a girl one day who said she really liked me why she did, I really couldn't see she was really turned on, she gave me all kinds of clues what really got her hot was all my fancy shoes All: all my fancy shoes Hey, don't go anywhere.

We'll come back And find out who the winner is with more "whose line is it anyway?" right after this.

Hello and welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winners colin mochrie and chip, Colin and chip.

The rest of us are going to do a game for you Called "3-headed broadway star.

" We're going to be singing to kim here We got from the audience at the commercial break.

Laura hall and linda taylor are going to help us out.

What we're going to do Is we're going to sing a song to kim As a 3-headed broadway star making up the song One word at a time.

What I need from the audience Is for you guys to fill in this blank I love you for your

[ audience shouting ]

Shoes.

Okay, shoes it is.

"I love you for your shoes" one word at a time.

The hit broadway song "I love you for your shoes.

" shoes are full of feet like yours that's why I love you so much baby I love you for your shoes and the way they feel on me when I put them on my feet I skip and lollygag around the room like a puppy oh, shoes are my passion and my love is your sole on your shoe I don't know what to do any Drew and ryan: more any All: more We'll be right back.

Don't go away.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight I'm going to have all the guys Read the credits for you.

I want all of you to read the credits As you're progressing down the evolutionary scale, If you believe in that kind of thing.

Thanks for watching then.

Good night.

The executive producer is dan patterson.

Yes, yes, yes.

Directed by bruce gowers.

Tom parks.

Hosted by drew carey, colin mochrie.

Kieran healy did the, uh