04x05 - September 27, 2001

[bunniefuu]

To "whose line is it anyway?" on tonight's show Call me for late-night relaxation wayne brady.

I love to play chip esten.

Couples are my specialty colin mochrie.

And you get what you pay for ryan stiles.

Hey, I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" Where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

That's right, the points are like a lutheran deli.

Let's start the show with a game called "let's make a date.

" This is for all four performers.

Ryan, colin, and wayne Are going to be contestants on a dating-type show Hoping to be picked by chip, but we've given them each A strange characteristic or identity.

It's on these cards here.

They've never seen the cards before.

So when you're ready, chip, start questioning them, And guess who they are at the end of the game.

hello, bachelors.

Bachelor number one, Complete this poem.

Roses are hello, hello, hello, hello, hello Well, hello, hello.

Roses are red, violets are not.

Complete it.

Hey, girl, I'm going to speak first.

No, I want to speak.

Shut up, joey.

No, look Seeing as how I'm the cutest one of the bunch, I just wanted to complete it like this.

because I know I'm so young no matter what you think I think you're pretty Yeah.

Oh.

Bachelor number one, you are yummy, okay? Bachelor number two, if I was a drink, I believe I would be a margarita Because I am tall and salty and I Always have tequila in me.

What kind of drink would you be and why? I'm sorry, it's really hard talking to you.

Your face looks like a collapsed lung.

Hey, nice shirt.

Who sh*t the sofa? Hey, did your head come with those ears? You know, I kid, But we're all brothers underneath.

Right on.

He was talking to you.

He was talking to you.

Bachelor number two, Save some of that for me, okay? All right.

You hockey puck.

Bachelor number three, I believe that truth is overrated.

When I'm at midnight and wearing a negligee, I want my man to lie.

Tell me, bachelor, what is your favorite lie? My favorite lie My favorite lie Was telling someone I'm pregnant When I'm really not.

What are you doing here? Don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

You shouldn't be here.

Believe me, I wish I wasn't looking at you.

You see what I mean? I'm not saying you're ugly, But I've seen better-looking faces On the bottom of a shoe.

Makes sucking sounds ]

You're not my type.

Bachelor number one, If you were a dog, what kind of dog would you be? Well, I don't know, girl, it all depends.

Let me speak.

Shut up, lance.

But I'm the bass.

I'm supposed to Shut up.

You shut up.

I'll kick your Don't make I'll b*at you.

I'll k*ll you.

Bye, bye, bye.

Hey, quit Hey, man.

Thank you, girl.

Wow.

Bachelor number two, Let me ask you this My favorite celebrity of all is drew carey.

If you ran into drew carey, What sort of things would you say to him? Drew carey happens to be my very best friend, So I don't I knew I couldn't say that with a straight face.

And by the way, it's not really singing.

You know I For god's sakes, build up or something.

It's like feeding off a sparrow.

Bachelor number three, I've got olympic fever.

If you could make up a new sport for the olympics, What would it be, hmm? I think it would probably be The 100-yard husband/shotgun relay.

Don't ever touch me again! That reminds me, I got to buy some chicken legs.

Ting! Okay.

God bless you, colin mochrie.

Can you guess who they are, you traitor, you lousy Bachelor number one is a boy band.

Yeah.

A specific one? Um, 'n sync? Yeah, how'd you guess? 'n sync fighting amongst themselves.

Bachelor number three is Two.

Don rickles as a thoracic surgeon.

So close.

He is a type of comic that don rickles is He is an insult comic who's also a doctor.

No, it's nothing to do with doctors.

He's some kind of thing you get when you go into the swamp, And you come out and you're covered with Oh, he's a mosquito insect/insult comic? No.

Covered with Leech! He's a leech.

Yes, he's a leech.

Bachelor number three is an angry ex-wife? Whose wife is she? Oh.

Oh, here we go.

You know, the points don't matter.

Do we ever say that? Oh, okay, fine.

Is it darva conger? No.

Might as well be.

Husband I can't get it.

Say it again.

Colin's wife? Colin's wife! Oh, my god.

Yes, chip, this Adolf h*tler? Um That's a jokey way of pointing to somebody.

We all learned that in junior high.

Duh.

Hint louder.

"colin.

" Yeah.

I did, actually, say his name, Although the other guy's going like this And you still didn't get it.

Let's go on to a game called "duet.

" This is for chip and wayne with laura hall and linda taylor.

I'm going to go right here behind my desk.

-And what's your name? -Anna.

Anna, what do you do for a living? I'm a sign language interpreter.

Get out of here.

I don't know what that is.

Okay, come on down here.

Say hi to wayne and chip.

Walk right over there and have a seat on the stool.

Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Anna here is a sign language interpreter, And she can do "the star-spangled banner" In 30 seconds.

She's really good at it.

And you're going to sing a song to her Using her name and occupation, And you're going to sing it as rod stewart and tina turner.

I'll be rod.

Stay right there.

ah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ooh, yeah well ah anna's husband is a lucky fella she'll teach you to talk like you teach helen keller understand what I'm telling you she can sign, that's what she'll do well, anna was doing so great, she's the best signed so fast that she sprained her wrist she's always doing signs to me especially that one you can't do on tv she's anna anna anna, she's anna and time for time well, she's anna anna come on, anna, just just, just, just, just sign now, anna does the sign language I don't understand and part-time, she causes planes to land let me tell you something man, that's what she do rod, anna wants to sign something to you Go ahead and sign, girl.

sign it, oh, yeah if you want to sign it she's anna I don't understand her no, no, no I don't understand her don't understand 'cause she she likes to talk with her hands ooh, yeah, yeah anna anna she's anna the interpreter Thank you, anna.

Thank you very much.

Why don't you come back here? That's very nice.

That was great.

Hey, nice job, guys.

Whoo! Hey, anna, let me ask you a quick question How do you sign "more, baby, more"? 'cause my neighbors have been complaining about the noise.

Aah, just kidding.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Don't go anywhere.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Welcome back.

You know, I was just reading my newspaper during the break, And guess what I read.

I read that one of the people On "big brother," after they got voted off, They said the show made her miserable.

Join the club.

Let's go on to a game called "scene to rap.

" This is for wayne and chip with ryan and colin And laura hall and linda taylor.

Oh, okay.

Over in this front row over here, Give me the name of your favorite horror movie.

"psycho.

" "dracula.

" "henry.

" "dracula.

" "dracula.

" I'm henry the k*ller, I am So go ahead.

It's the "dracula" rap/horror movie thing With the help of laura hall and linda taylor, And these guys are going to join later.

Take it away.

I'm a doctor, I'm looking downstairs and I wonder what's inside that right there I'll open it up it's dark, thank god oh, my goodness, it's, uh, vlad Oh, yeah.

thought you were bad, but you's a dud I say to you, what's up, blood? bla-bla-bla-bla bla-bla-bla-bla now walk in, your heart I'll break understand I broke your stake you can't do me, can't do your things a big, bad brother with two big fangs don't suck my blood 'cause I've got asthma you don't want this old crummy-breathing plasma oh, yeah, mm help, help, help me out if you can I dropped by to say hi I was hoping he'd suck me dry don't worry, the blood won't go lost I'm here from the red cross just suck suck away, blood just suck yo, yo suck away, blood yo, yo, yo I came here right on the double I hear you got some vampire trouble well, I got something, I got a stake oh, it's a t-bone, my mistake don't mean to be mean, don't mean to be catty but put that away, 'cause he's driving me batty I don't know what to say, don't know who to thank don't get me, go to the blood bank understand this, man, it's gonna be fun I'm gonna suck you like a big capri-sun better come back and I'll get some oh, my goodness, it's the sun to ashes, to ashes to ashes, to ashes ha ha Word.

Man, I love that game just to hear colin rap.

You know what we've made you on this show? The most famous canadian rapper.

There's lorne greene.

ringo, yo "ringo, yo.

" Now let's go on To a favorite game here at "whose line is it anyway?" "party quirks.

" Chip is going to be hosting a party.

Wayne, colin, and ryan come on down here, chip.

Wayne, colin, and ryan are going to be the guests.

We've given each of them a strange quirk or identity, And chip has to guess who they are.

Why don't you guys come over here? I'll ring you in one at a time with the doorbell, And whenever you're ready there, chip, start the party.

Come on in.

Hey, dude! What's up? Whoo! All right! Wow, thanks, bro.

Whoo! Man, I can Shut up, man.

I'll k*ll you.

I'm so sorry.

Good party.

Hey, come on in.

Would you like some chips or some soda, or are you Is that a barbecue chip? Funny you see a barbecue chip here.

All the others are just Ripple.

Okay.

Enjoy that.

Ooh, hey, hello.

Come on in.

I was wondering when you'd get here.

Can I get you anything else? Dude, I'm really sorry about that.

Omega tau hey, you, you sit up! Hey, you hot! Unh.

A feather duster.

Yeah, it's a feather duster.

I was going to A feather duster made by a norwegian.

It's all starting to Make sense.

No, it's not.

Uh, we have some seed if you care for, uh Ow.

Shut up, you unh.

You get out of here because you're a frat boy That gets drunk real quick.

You know, this banana Is not very ripe.

With the right amount of force, it could impale a man's hear Hey! You stand right there while I call him a bird.

Yeah A bird wit a blind bird.

That's close enough.

He keeps mistaking the cameras for open windows.

Okay.

All right.

What we have here is a pickle, A piece of thread, a don ho album.

You're macgyver.

No.

Hold on.

Fine.

You're an overly dramatic private investigator Finding ridiculous clues.

How'd you know? How'd you know? Or something like that.

Good job.

Well, 280 electoral points to my good buddy ryan stiles For that one.

Electoral points I thought that was kind of clever.

Oh, well.

Ha ha ha ha! Now, what I need from the audience For this next game is, uh, tell me your name.

The woman here.

What? Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Okay, we're going to use The woman's name cheryl.

That's the name we're going to use.

And, uh, give me a name of a hobby you like.

Knitting.

Knitting.

Now, this game is called "doo-wop.

" It's for wayne, chip, and ryan.

Uh, you're going to be singing as a '50s doo-wop group With the help of laura hall, linda taylor.

Wayne, chip, and ryan.

And you're going to be singing a song about cheryl Who d*ed tragically in a freak knitting accident.

Take it away whenever you're ready.

Doo-wop song cheryl d*ed in a tragic knitting accident.

ooh ooh buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-de-buh-de-buh, bo ooh bi-bi-bi-de-bo now let me tell you a little yarn about a girl named cheryl she's gone, oh, darn she left my life, I don't know what to do knit one or maybe purl two I feel kind of guilty 'cause I'm her man and she was makin' me a big afghan she knitted so fast and smart that she got a needle in the heart bass man oh, baby, I have to go 'cause I don't love you don't love you so now is the time we have to part she took that knitting needle and stabbed me in the heart whoo oh, cheryl, why did she go? poor cheryl can't knit no more poor cheryl maybe she's knitting in the sky oh, oh, oh maybe in heaven I'll see her someday she'll just weep and save crochet because carol she d*ed when she was knitting ooh ooh ooh We love you, carol cheryl.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away! welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner colin mochrie.

Colin's the winner! Colin mochrie is the big winner tonight.

And the rest of us are going to do a game called "props.

" Let's have the props for me and ryan.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

That's those guys' props over there.

We'll have to go back and forth And think of as many things as we can with these props Starting with wayne and chip.

Try these mixed nuts.

Aah! Wah, wah, wah! Who's mama's boy? Who's mama's boy? Sarge, tell me I'm going to be okay.

I'm tellin' you, rock, you're a contender! Jonny, I can't seem to find bandit anywhere.

Today we bury bonko the clown.

Where's the other angel? I don't know! Honey, can you pop this for me? So, I told jenice, if she wanted to call me, Then she aah! Ow! I pity the fool! I pity the fool that thinks he can step in the ring with me.

He tried to get out the port hole, And his ass got stuck.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away! Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight, to read the credits for you, Are wayne, chip, and colin.

I want you to read the credits as three bird catchers Trying to catch ryan, who's a bird, Trapped in the studio.

Take it away.

Oh, it's the yellow-breasted dan patterson, I see.

There it is! It's very confused.

Is it jimmy mulville? Is it jimmy mulville?