02x16 - Teacher Conference

[bunniefuu]

- What else?
- This is impossible!

No, nothing is impossible.

Now, come on. Keep guessing.[DOOR OPENS]

All the vowels are in the dump.

What word has two X's and no vowels?

Did Grimes have another kid?

Uh-oh! Even Principal Coleman
is stumped.

All right, let's get
those guesses in, you guys.

Nah, I got this. "R"!

Nope.

[STUDENTS GROANING]

JANINE: So I picked a word,

but then a student sneezed
on another student.

By the time we cleaned that up,
I'd forgotten the word.

So I'm just stalling.

But we've only got about
minutes till lunch,

so we should be fine.

- "Q"!
- Nope.

[MARKER SQUEAKS]

- "L"!
- No.

"T"! !

Star! Semicolon!

Semicolon, or colon?

- Semicolon.
- No.

[MARKER SQUEAKS]

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS]

♪ Dun-du-du-duuun ♪

PECSA weekend!
Everybody make some noise!

[IMITATES ROAR OF CROWD]

PECSA's!

The annual Pennsylvania
Educational Conference

for the Southeast Area.

Held in Allentown, P.A.

Ever heard of it?

Oh, Allentown, P.A.?

You mean the education
destination of Eastern P.A.,

where teachers come together
to swap ideas and knowledge

that will help them grow into
the greatest educators of all time?

Uh, yeah, that Allentown!

Ooh!

I hear the keynote speech is gonna be

about individualized educational plans.

Can you stand it? Oh!

The only keynote I plan on listening to

is the sweet, sweet hum
of the indoor pool filter.

Yeah, I'll know I nailed
this conference if it takes me

a week to get the chlorine
smell out of my hair.

[CHUCKLES]

Hold up. Absolute gasp.

Yeah, you guys aren't going
to the keynote speech?

Don't you two ever get tired
of being surprised

by people's opposing interests?

Yeah, this conference
is for rookie teachers.

We've been going since you guys

had to ask permission
to cross the street.

[CHUCKLES] Joke's on you,
I've been crossing the street

by myself since I was three.

[DOOR OPENS]

[BOTH BOOING]

Again, I'm sorry,

and again I say this was
the only weekend

that Amber could get a sitter.

You are going to be missing out on

so much professional development,

and not to mention
continental breakfast.

For what, huh? So that you can
relax in a heart-shaped hot tub

watching the moon dance
off of Amber's eyes

as you whisper sweet everythings?

Real fun, dude.

JACOB: Yeah, your loss, bro.

I'm taking Amber to the Poconos
this weekend.

Need to make up for that LEGO
Valentine's Day gift debacle.

She was less than happy.

And now Janine and Jacob
are less than happy

that I'm missing PECSA weekend.

So what's cool is that no matter
what I do, no one's happy.

- Hey!
- GREGORY: Hey.

Ooh. The weekend couldn't get
here fast enough.

Work was a lot this week.

Very excited for a breather.

I can't wait to show you
what I have planned.

We have snowshoeing,
a coal jewelry workshop,

and tree-ventures just to start.

I thought we were gonna be,
like, relaxing... in a hot tub.

We are, after the firewood
harvesting forum.

Seems like you have a lot planned.

That's the best way to relax...
On a strict schedule.

Okay. Oh, boy. Okay.

So, um, I don't think
we're on the same page... again.

- Well, I'm on page nine. Where you at?
- Gregory, put the book away.

It's not really a book, but okay.

I don't wanna do any of this.

- What do you want to do?
- Nothing.

I wanna do nothing.

Okay. I hear you.

I think I can schedule in some
nothing time after the snow hike.

We need to talk.

Damn.

[EDM VERSION OF "HEAD,
SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES" PLAYS]

♪

Yeah, it's very sturdy.

[SQUEALS]

Oh, my God. They have e-writing books.

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, PECSA weekend!

Ah! It's finally happening!

Oh! Sorry if we're jittery.

We have been shotgunning
kombucha since Conshohocken.

Okay, well, act like
you've been here before.

Because you have.

Woo, man, I wish I had a Time-Turner,

because like Aerosmith,
I don't wanna miss a thang.

Although I might need to miss
this big party later.

Oh, you're not missing PECSA-Geddon.

Who's gonna watch our purses?

The party is the one thang
you don't wanna miss.

But I have to find time to
see the Living Classroom,

the one the Philadelphia
Flower Show made.

- Cover me, Barb.
- Oh, all right.

So it's this classroom, and
it's all made out of flowers.

Janine, we are only here to show face

so that people remember they saw us.

Then we kick it into spa mode.

And my spa mode's happening à la mode,

'cause I'm gonna eat
ice cream in the hot tub.

[CHUCKLES] Come on, let's go.

Ooh. This seminar sounds awesome.

It's called "White Teacher,
Black School."

Uh, yeah, I'm good on that.

I already did four years
of Black Student, White School.

Went to Penn, so...

Okay, well, I will go to, uh,
WTBS alone.

I, Melissa Schemmenti
of Abbott Elementary,

am enjoying connecting with my peers.

Including this guy, Derrick,

from some other school in Philadelphia.

And I, Barbara Howard,

have already mentored
seven young teachers.

Huzzah! Let's go.

Mm-hmm.

You leaving already?
Just like your ex-husband?

Late? Just like your period
after senior prom?

Enjoy your weekend.

Yeah.

JANINE: Oh, hey.

Good to see you again, Bilbo.

Glad you made it out of The Shire.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Ahh! New tote alert! [CHUCKLES]

This weekend couldn't get any better.

It's like I'm at Disneyland,

but there's no Wild Mr. Toad to avoid,

and I had to bring my own churro.

But... Wait, did you know you go
to hell on that ride?

AVA: I'm a problem solver.

So, say you have a problem teacher.

For our discussion,
let's call her Janina.

These Janinas usually have
bubbly personalities

that cover up deep-seated mommy issues.

Last name Eddie. E-D-D-I-E.

Gregory!

Hey! What are you doing here?

What happened to your romantic
Poconos weekend getaway?

Well, I decided this conference
was too important to miss,

- so I'm here.
- Oh!

Well, not to "Poco my nose"
in your business,

but where's Amber?

I really don't know.

Do you... Do you need... You
want me to help you find her?

No, no, no.

- She dumped me.
- Damn!

Room . Enjoy your stay.

I am so sorry about your breakup, but...

But, hey, you're amongst friends,

um, so let's hit some lectures, right?

To keep your mind occupied?

Now, you've already missed
"Individualized Education Plans,"

but I can catch you up
between "Brain Teaser Lunch"

and "Designing a Better Curriculum."

And I don't wanna fly
too close to the sun here,

but if we hustle, we can make it
to the creativity seminar.

Although we'd have to be
creative about it, you know?

So... Hey-oh! It's a joke.

Unless that sounds like
too much, which...

No, this is great.
It will be good to be busy.

Right? Yeah, exactly, your
favorite way to decompress.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- [CHUCKLES] That was amazing.
- JACOB: Yeah.

Your questions were honestly
so insightful.

Okay, but your follow-ups?

Talk about piggybacking
in the right way.

And that speaker. Just incredible.

Yeah. Have you listened to her podcast,

"White Tears, White Noise:
How Uganda Saved White Me"?

- Uh, no.
- Ooh, you gotta check it out.

There's only one season,
eps, no guests.

I'm literally gonna check
that out immediately.

I'm Jacob, by the way.

Your Ally McBeal story broke me.

Thank you. I'm Summer,

and I'm literally obsessed
with you tip to tail.

Hey, sh*t in the dark,
do you know the game Werewolf?

Yes. What? I-I love werewolf.

My theatre troupe called me
Steppen Werewolf.

Okay, you should come
to our shindig tonight.

Oh, you're not going to PECSA-Geddon?

That party gets a little loud.

The young teachers from Addington
are gonna have our own, instead.

- Oh, you work at Addington?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh. Well, thank you for the 'vite,

but I'm supposed to hang
with my Abbott peeps.

We also brought Cards Against Humanity.

Do you have any expansion packs?

Does the farmer's market
have fresh bread?

You bet we do.

minutes till the party.
minutes till I am the party.

Just enough time to shower
and raid the minibar.

Long live PECSA weekend.

Yeah.

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ La, la-la-laaa, la-la-laaa ♪

Wow, Melissa and Barbara were right.

PECSA-Geddon is lit. [CHUCKLES]

♪

- Everything okay?
- Yeah.

Just thinking about how I could
be tree-venturing

in a sugar maple right now.

- Oh, that sounds fun!
- Yeah.

But this is also fun and not sad, so...

Yay! Oh, Ava.

- Hey, Ava.
- Uh!

Where you think you're going,
Janet Whack-son?

This rope is velvet.

What, you think 'cause you got
new little boots on,

- you can come in here?
- Okay, I just thought that...

Read the sign. VIP.

Very Important People
who are Principals only.

Limited exceptions.
Gregory, you may enter.

Why didn't you just say
"Very Important Principals"?

That's actually a good idea.
I'm glad I thought of it.

- Gregory.
- I'm gonna go get a "Gin and Phonics."

- You want one?
- Yes.

I'm going to get a "Daiqui-reads."

I'll take a carafe of
"Sex Ed on the Beach."

Thanks, Gregory.

♪

Nothing and nothing... [SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY]

There's our people.

Oh, how about if we just go get

some lounge chairs from the pool area

- and bring them in here?
- No.

Maybe two people getting up here at all?

- No.
- Hey, getting up? Nope? All right.

Hey, ladies, you looking for a seat?

There's two open over here.

- Oh!
- Oh, what about...

Oh, they've long gone.

You know, floating in a pool of lectures

all day long
can really take it out of you.

Oh, I'll bet. What schools are you with?

Who's askin'?

We both teach at Abbott Elementary.

- How about you?
- I'm here as a vendor.

I own Nichols School Supplies.

You're Dawn Nichols?

All day, every day.

Ooh.

Dawn Nichols is the end-all be-all
in the school supply game.

An in with her could be
the dawn of a new day at Abbott.

I've had two plus one "math-a-ritas."

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know what you put
in those erasers,

but they are practically Wite-Out.

Family secret.

And your craft glue's so strong,
you'd swear it was mostly horse parts.

KRISTIN MARIE: I got our drinks.

Ah.

Well, well, well.

This table's taken.

Yeah, but would you...

It's taken, Barb.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

I really thought
the "Rules of Science Are Meant"

"To Be Followed" lecture
would have cheered you up.

- It definitely helped.
- Yeah?

You still thinking about the breakup?

Well, it did happen yesterday.

Yeah.

But to be completely honest with you,

- it's not even that.
- Mm.

Why am I always the one who gets dumped?

You know? Like, based on the evidence,

- it's gotta be me, right?
- Mnh-mnh.

It is not you, it's dating.

The only silver lining to dating

is you only have to be
right about someone once.

That kind of makes it feel not as bad.

- That's a good perspective.
- Thank you.

I'm both smart and wise, it's wild.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Me and Amber were
super different anyway.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Like, too different.

Like, I always felt like
a weirdo around her.

Pss-pss, you are a weirdo. [SNICKERS]

- That's an upsetting turn.
- BARTENDER: Another?

No, I mean that in a good way.

I think that everyone deserves
to be with someone

who likes them exactly as is.

Especially you.

Seriously.

Look at that sweater right now.

Look at that mustache.

Not many people could do that.

Don't sleep on Janine, either.

- Hell y... Heck yes!
- Yeah. Hell yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, wait, uh, we...

[GLASSES CLINK]

At the end of the day,

we are still playing
Werewolf in America,

with its injustice system.
[FINGERS SNAPPING]

And while I don't believe
in the death penalty IRL,

in our fictional village,

Ms. Tina Schwartz is a werewolf
and she must die!

Nuh-unh!

That Jacob Hill is one smart detective.

He's... But he's won, like,
three rounds already,

and I don't know how I keep losing.

Well, at the risk of sounding cocky,

I daresay I am better than
I was in my Oberlin days.

What the what? You went to Oberlin, too?

How did we not know each other?

Well, I did make a concerted effort

to build relationships
with people from...

TOGETHER: Different
cultural backgrounds!

Floor nap!

Oh.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Oh, it's so original.

[BOTH LAUGH] He likes it.

- Oh, wait.
- Oh, goodie, another silly one.

What do... What do you have?

- Yeah, just more of that.
- Bow!

Ohhh! [BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, no. Oh, I missed
the Living Classroom.

Living Classroom?
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Yes, oh, the Philadelphia Flower Show,

they made a whole classroom
out of flowers. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Wow, that sounds amazing.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] I
know, but we'll never know now.

Aw, man, I really wanted to see that.

We... Let's... Let's go now.

No, it's definitely closed.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Awesome.

- Says who?
- No one's ever done that.

Says the hours on the bo...
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Incredible.

You're being mischievous?

Yeah, you see it. [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, get it, get it, get it.

- No, let's... Yeah, let's go.
- Get it, get it, get it, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

I say we do one more lap.

I really wasn't paying attention
last time

'cause I was too distracted
by how much my feet hurt.

I have consulted with my fibula,
and she is not doing another lap,

and it is time for you to
settle things with your sister.

Excuse us, ladies,
do you mind if we rejoin you?

- Oh, we'd love for you to join us.
- BARBARA: Thank you.

Just as soon as Melissa admits
she makes a terrible bragioli.

What, are you kidding me?

I've seen you put regular bacon

in your carbonara, ya googootz.

It was a delicious American fusion dish.

That's a lot of confidence for someone
wearing last year's espadrilles.

Hey.

Watch where you're going,
clearance section.

Excuse me?

Oh, could you not hear me
over your loud-ass outfit?

Whoa! You throwing stones
with those extensions?

You look like you get
your hair done at the mall.

- In the parking lot.
- You show your hairdresser

a picture of Beetlejuice
and go, "Do that"?

Yeah, h-how many black eyes
did Beetlejuice have again?

- Was it one or two?
- I forget.

- Let's say two.
- Let's say two.

We still got it.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, we do.

- So...
- Mm.

- What about your crayon selection?
- Mm!

Oop. There you go.

Oh, good call on checking the doorknob.

That was smart.

Yeah, I don't know
why your first instinct

was to kick the door in.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Oh, my goodness.

This is even better than I imagined.

Oh, my God, look at this.

The backpacks are little terrariums.

Yeah, I'm seeing it.
How did they do that?

I don't know. That's so cool.

I don't wanna sound cheesy
or whatever, but this...

It shows, like, exactly
how I feel about teaching,

with the growth and every...
It's just...

It's corny, but...

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. I get it.

Plants and teaching, it's...

it's like how I grew up
and who I am now.

Yeah.

[CHIRPING CONTINUES]

Oh, my goodness.
You have to come smell this one.

It smells like a perfume or something.

Yeah.

- Oh.
- MAN: Want me to turn it off now?

Oh! Oh, I hear someone.

Uh... Wait, get down. Get down.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, but no, really, you should
smell this one.

It smells so good. Mm.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Oh, no.

[GASPS] That?
That... That... "The Kiss"?

That... That was a "whoops." [CHUCKLES]

Who can really say what things are?

Or what they aren't, you know,
at the end of the day?

We got caught up in the moment.

That's what she said about it?

Just two friends getting
caught up in the moment?

Good. Because that's precisely
what it was.

Just two friends getting
caught up in the moment.

It's okay. Mm.

It's okay.

JANINE: Like, when I hang up
with my Internet provider

after they finish helping me
reset my Internet,

and I say "Okay, I love you, bye,"

do I really love my Internet provider?

No. 'Cause their network's unreliable,

and I'm dating Maurice, so...

Five seconds.

Kamala Harris!

How did you get that so fast?!

She's an AKA! Alpha Kappa Alpha!

Should you maybe come and teach with us

at Addington, like, yesterday?

Look, I have had a blasty-blast,
but I'm an Abbott boy.

But imagine teaching at a school

with the brightest kids
from the neighborhood.

And a bunch of other neighborhoods, too.

The cream of the crop
from all over the city,

they come to us.

Wait, but there can't be room

for all the neighborhood kids
at Addington

if you're accepting people
from other places.

Well, we're all about focusing
on the kids

who have the best chance
of making it out.

Out? Out of what?

And into whom? I don't know.

But someone hold my legs,

'cause I'm about to do
a boxed wine keg stand.

Seems dangerous.

It's only dangerous if you drop me.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Oh, g... [GROANS]

Last night, as the kids would say,

- was a film.
- Mm.

I don't know what that means,

but it sounds like
an accurate description.

Well, I don't remember
much of anything after someone

challenged me to a math-a-rita
chugging competition.

Undefeated, Derrick!

[GROANS]

Can't forget the best part
of the night, though.

Oh, making up with your sister?

Hell no. When you got the in
with Dawn Nichols.

May our glue-sticks never run dry.

Amen! Hallelujah.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

What?

I forgot to put my shoes on.

Okay. Where are my shoes?

There in my... My shoes.

I've got my key in my bag, I think.

Janine!

Hey! Where ya been?

Missed ya at the party last night.

It's a long story.

Let's just say I played some games

with some people from Addington,

and it turns out
I don't know if I like them.

Hmm.

I guess that's the whole story.
How was your night?

Um, you know what?
Let's just get in the car.

Hope you enjoyed your stay.

We itemized your charges over
the weekend for your review.

Everything look correct for you, Ms...

Teagues?

Gee, golly, it sure does.

Act natural.

Why are you dressed
like Inspector Gadget?

I am not.

If anything, I'm Carmen Sandiego,

and like her, I am not here.

I heard some stuff
at the conference this weekend.

I didn't take that comforter,
it fell into my bag.

No. Draemond Winding,
Legendary Charter jabroni,

is coming for Abbott.

Wha... Who told you this?

It's PECSA weekend, people talk.

He's set on turning youse guys' charter.

Pssh. I've been looking for a good fight

ever since my exterminator d*ed.

- I'm ready.
- Yeah, you better be.

If Abbott goes charter,
none of your jobs are safe.

Nobody could know I was here.

- Okay.
- JANINE: Hey, Kristin Marie Schemmenti?

Hey! What's up? [LAUGHS]

You know, I never realized
how beautiful your name was.

Kristin Marie Schemmenti.

Kristin Marie Schemmenti!

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, she's great.

Bye, Kristin!

Hey. You going that way?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

So, moving forward...

- That's my favorite direction.
- [CHUCKLES] Right.

We're good, right?

Like, whatever happened,
that was a nothing thing.

Yeah, it's best to just throw it out.

That's what I was gonna say,
just throw it out.

- Yeah.
- Yep.

I blame the Philly Flower Show, really.

- And the drinks.
- And Allentown.

Sexy place.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

PECSA weekend. Crazy.

Right?

So, right...

So, um...

- We're just throwing it out?
- Throw it out.

Pssh. Nothing but net.

All right.

Yeah, we'll just throw it out.

It was nothin'.

So this weekend was juicy. That's right.

- I got the tea and the cup.
- Ooh. Mm.

So I heard about a very
interesting hookup this weekend

involving someone in this very room.

Someone that's a man.

Involving a woman...

Teacher.

I heard someone made out.

With Ms. Schwartz?
Jacob, time to step up.

Uh, wildly inaccurate,

and I feel compelled
to remind you that I am gay.

That is bisexual erasure.
I expected better from you.

And my intel specifically stated
that she made out

with some pasty white nerd.

If not you, then who?

Okay, bye.

Uh...

PECSA, PECSA, PECSA.

Gets me every time.