02x03 - D & DD/Hamhocks and Armlocks/

[bunniefuu]

[Owl hoots]

[Shouting]

Quickly,
though this passage.

Find us a way out!

This stone--
it's loose.

[Groans]

Hurry!

[Groaning]

We're through!

Come on!

Now which way?

Seems we have
choices.

[Pounding]

[Snorting]

[Roars]

Hyah!

Quickly!

Come on, man!

[Roars]

[Roars]

Woodsman: Pit!

Get ready to jump!

Aah!

Wait!
Wha--?

[Utters magic spell]

[Beast snorting]

[Screams]

Well done.

Sinister voice: So,
you've dispatched my minions,

escaped my deadly traps,

even defeated
the dreaded semitaur!

But you have yet to face me...

Soraz--master of doom!

Die, pitiful worms!

Cheater!

What?
You dare defy--

my whims?

I am the game master!
You are my pawns!

I created the world
you see before you.

I control your fate!

Yeah? Well, you're still
a ch-ch-cheater!

I don't even know
why we play this game
with you.

All you ever do
is try to k*ll us.

Yeah, we'll get to roll
savings throws

to see if our constitutions
can withstand evil magic.

Fine. You can
have your little
saving throws.

Roll the dice.

[Dice rattling]

!

!

!

[Cheers]

Ha! !

You all fry!

You each shall lose...

life points!

Ha ha ha ha!

Aww...

Goodness, it's dark
as a dungeon in here.

[Hisses]

How's your game
coming along, boys?

Dexter's k*lling us.

Oh, lovely.
Refills?

Yea, merrily.

Another f-f-flagon
of mead, please.

No, thanks. I still have
some magic elixir.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Dee Dee.

Hi, prince of darkness.

[Hisses]

Whatcha doing?

Playing
"monsters and mazes."

We seek
the magic grail,

and Dexter's
the game master.

Ha ha ha ha!

Neat.
Can I play?

No.
Sure!

Dee Dee: Mom?

Of course, dear.

Can I be game master?

No.
Sure!

Mom?

Of course, dear.

But created this dungeon,
I should--

I think it's
a good idea.

Yeah, you heard
your mom.

Fine. Look here,
girl.

This is
the game master's screen,

full of reference charts
and graphs.

Here is the rule books,
the gemscape, the magic manual,

and the creature compendium.

Please do not step
on my little miniatures.

And here is the dungeon map,
containing my brilliantly
designed mazes,

traps, snares, and--

[crash]

Ok. So who's what?

I am falcor,
the hawk-eyed woodsman.

I am macagros,

the mysterious magician.

And I am valerian,
the chivalrous kn-kn-kni--

paladin.

Dexter, you'll need
a character, too.

I want to be gigex,
the th-level warrior mage,

with a class
soul-sucking sword, and--

here you go.

You can be this guy.

Dexter: What?

Well, it seems hodo
the furry-footed
burrower

has joined our quest.

[Laughter]

Hey!

I don't want to be
no furry-footed burrower.

What? You dare defy
her whims?

She is the game master.
You are her pawn.

She controls your fate!

Ready? Here we go!

Dee Dee: So you're walking
through the forest, and--

what? A forest?
We were in a dungeon!

And what about
the evil wizard

who was zapping
everyone?

Dee Dee:
He's done.

What?

He's done zapping.
Now move along.

So you're walking
through the forest--

dungeon!

Ok, dungeon forest.
Whatever.

You're walking along,
and you're walking...

Um, and you're walking along,
and you, um...

Yeah. And?

And, um...

A dragon comes out.

And?

And...he's scary.
Crazy scary!

And he's coming to get you!

[Hisses]

[Utters spell]

[Hiss]

I unsheathe my deadly--

mandolin?

[Hiss]

Your w*apon's
no use!

Try your
special skills.

Skills, skills,
my special skill is...

Burrowing?

[Hiss]

[Hiss]

Aah!

I can't see!

Use the force!

Dee Dee: Your vorpal blade
goes snicker-snack, and whack!

Off goes the dragon's head!

Yay, we did it!

And then candy starts
spraying out of his neck.

Candy? Candy?

Surprise!
He's a pinata!

[Muttering]

Mmm. My favorite.

Hey? Who are you?

Why, I'm philian poppyseed,

the precocious pixie prince.

Thank you all
for purging me

from my perilous
pinata prison.

If only there were
some way I could repay
your noble deed.

We seek the magic grail.
Perchance you know of it?

Hmm...my mistress
the fairy queen would.

She knows all
the magical secrets.

The fabled court
of the fairy queen!

Could you show us
the way?

Could
to your hood, hero,

'cause here we go!

Voila!

Queenie, I'm home!

Philian,
my precious!

[Kiss kiss]

I'm so glad you're back
safe and sound.

I owe it all
to these brave souls.

Stand, heroes,

so that I may Grant you
your just rewards.

For you, brave knight--

a mighty steed.

For you, woodsman--

a forest stronghold.

[Caws]

And for you, magician--

a lovely assistant,

and a lifetime of sold-out shows
in Las Vegas.

Cool! So I must get
the magic grail, huh?

Is that what
you want?

Well, yeah. That's what
we've been questing for.

Wow, what's it do?

Well, you can
drink from it,

and it'll
never spill.

That's it?

That's it!

Lame!

That was the stupidest
game ever.

You know nothing about
"monsters and mazes."

I am the true
game master!

Right, guys?

Yeah, that was fun!
That was great! Fantastic!

Great--i got
another game we can play.

Welcome to
the mystery dating game,

where our lovely bachelorette
will choose one lucky bachelor

for a fabulous
mystery date.

Bachelorette,
quiz 'em.

Ok. Say we're stranded
alone on an island.

Do you have any skills
that would come in handy,
bachelor number ?

I dig holes.

Dee Dee, Dee Dee!

I heard
this great joke.

Ha ha ha!

Ok, here it goes.

A physics professor
and his assistant

were working on liberating
negatively charged
hydroxyl ions,

when all of a sudden
the assistant says,

"wait, professor.
What if the salicylic acids

don't accept
the hydroxyl ion?"

And the professor responds,

"that's no
hydroxyl ion.

That's my wife!"

Ha ha ha ha!

♪ Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ froggy went a-courtin',
and he did ride ♪

♪ a sword and a p*stol
by his side ♪

♪ froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he rode up
to miss mousie's door ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he rode up
to miss mousie's door ♪

♪ where he had often
been before ♪

♪ froggy went a-courtin',
and he did ride,

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he said, "miss mouse,
are you within?" ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he said, "miss mouse,
are you within?" ♪

♪ "just lift the latch
and please please come in" ♪

♪ froggy went a-courtin',
and he did ride ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

[truck horn honks]

[Tires screech]

Hey! Who you think you are?
King of the road?

Now, Dexter,
no yelling.

You'll only
cause trouble.

Your father's
right, dear.

Plus we're all fine.
Right, honey?

- on that,
pretty lady.
We're a-ok.

Yeah, but the car's
not. Look!

[Engine conking out]

Honey,
now what do we do?

We tune up the car
and

Dexter: Uh, dad...

Are you sure
about this?

Dad: Of course.

What could possibly
go wrong?

[Grinding]

[Bones cr*ck]

[cr*ck]

Aah!

Howdy, y'all.

So long, clem.
Better luck next time.

Thanks, midge.
See ya around.

Ahem!

Can I help you?

Hey, city boy!

What can I do you for?

Oh, hi.
Well, my family and i--

well, our car
broke down,

and, uh, ahem.

Could we talk
to your mechanic?

You're lookin' at her.

Oh! Ok, well--

but my shift here
ain't over for an hour,

so's you might as well
take you a seat.

Ok. Thank you.

Dad, are you sure
this place is safe?

Oh, of course, Dexter.
This here is good people.

Yeaahhh!

Aughh!

Oooohh!

Should we be worrying
about that screaming?

Oh, it's probably
just one of
the local yokels

telling a funny...
Jokel.

[Laughter]

Oh, hellokel.

We'd like
some menus, please.

We ain't got
no menus.

We got hamburgers,
ham sandwiches,
and hamhocks.

Oh, well, we'll have
hamburgers, please.

No, you won't.

Ok. Ham sandwiches,
then.

Trust me--
you don't want them.

Hey, Mel!
orders of hamhocks!

What are hamhocks?

They're gross.

Dad!

Ok, kids.
Relax.

It's just this
country western
music.

Gives you
the blues.

Now let me go talk
to Mr. Jukebox

and see if we can't
lighten the mood
a little, huh?

Do you think
he'll be ok?

Nokel.

Jukebox:
♪ ...Purty as a flower

♪ she watched TV
while I worked ♪

♪ then she'd stay out
all night ♪

♪ leave me to worry

♪ I would sit by the phone,
feeling plum stuck ♪

♪ but I still--

[song stops]

[Pop music plays]

Huh?

Uh, sorry.

[Thudding footsteps]

Uh-oh.

Is there a problem?

Well, you can't
win them all.

[Grinding]

I'm sensing anger.

Is there anything I can do
to quell that temper?

Midge: Ya gots to
arm-wrestle him.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm the nonviolent type.

Like, I was just
telling my son Dexter

before our car
broke down out front--

[crash]

[Thudding footsteps]

Honey?

Dad?

Are you ok?

Hey, dead man.

That's you, dad.

Uh, yes?

Now, your car was broken
when y'all got here, right?

Uh, yes. Why?

Well...

No, I don't care
what you do, Earl.

I'm not going to
wrestle you.

Oh, honey,
I'm so proud.

Cool!

Wow, dad!

You see, Dexter,
v*olence is not
the answer.

Now let's
get out of here,
huh?

Yay!

Oh, I forgot
my purse.

I'll be
right back.

Ok.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Earl!

You can humiliate me,
you can destroy my property...

Honey?

But don't not ever
hold a door open for a lady,

especially my wife!

You! Me! One hour!
Arm-wrestling!

Be there
or be square!

[Cracking]

Dexter, dad doesn't
stand a chance.

Do something!

Like what?

I don't know!
Make with the science
or something!

Ok, ok. Relax,

and leave the rest
up to me.

Dexter: Hey, dad?

Yes, son?

Are you sleepy?

No, why--
uhhhhh...

[Snoring]

Oh, no reason.

[Clang clang]

Whew.

[Hawks]

Ptui!

[Metal clang]

Dexter: Hey, dad?

Hello?

Wait, don't--

hi.

Uhhh.
What happened?

Uh, you fell asleep,

but now it's time
for your big match

with Earl.

Earl?

Earl!

You ready, Earl?

Let's do this!

[Thud]

[Whirrs]

My, that's
a fancy watch.

Thanks.

[Whirrs]

[Whack]

Dexter!

Oh, yeah!

[Truck horn honks]

All: Yee-ha!

I'm so proud!

Hooray!

Dexter:
Way to go!

Dad:
Come here, family.

[Strangling]

I guess I don't know
my own strength.

Enter at
your own peril,

past
the vaulted door

where impossible
things may happen

that the world's
never seen before.

♪ In Dexter's
laboratory ♪

♪ lives
the smartest boy ♪

♪ you've ever seen

♪ but Dee Dee blows
his experiments ♪

♪ to smithereens

♪ there is
gloom and doom ♪

♪ while things
go boom ♪

♪ in Dexter's lab