03x13 - Scare Tactics/My Dad vs. Your Dad

[bunniefuu]

Dexter: Sheesh.
I cannot believe

the hogwash that passes
for television programming.

Hogwash, hogwash,
hogwash.

Hmm...
When science goes wrong.

Ha. Not likely.

Let's see. Let's see...

[Gasp]

Dad, dad, dad,
dad, dad!

Look, dad!
Take a look
at this, dad!

Hey, dad!

[Snoring]

[Mumbling]

[Snore]

[Mumble]

[Screaming]
Hey, dad!

Aah! What's a--
who? What?

Uh...

"The parasite within"?

So, what do
you say, pops?

Can I stay up
and watch it?

Please?

Hmm...

I'm sorry, Dexter,

but a movie
like that, well--

well, it's just
too downright scary

for a boy of your age.

It's all
mathematics, son.

[Snoring and mumbling]

Oh, that father of mine.

He can be a real pain
in the medulla oblongata.

All because of him,

I never get to do
anything fun--ever!

Hmph!

Well, I'll show him.

Whilst the rest
of the household is tucked away

into the nighty
of the night,

I, Dexter,
boy sneakiness,

will pay witness to
the parasite within.

A-ha ha ha ha ha!

Gee, hon, perhaps
I was a bit too hard
on the boy.

Maybe we should just
let him watch his
silly old movie.

And I'll even
watch it with him.

Oh, I don't
think so, dear.

You know what those
scary movies do to you.

But, honey, i--

[screaming]
Nobody's going
to watch the movie!

[Singsong]
And that's final.

Yes, dear.

[Thunder]

[Snoring]

Heh heh heh.

T.v.: And now,
prepare to be terrified

beyond the realm
of consciousness,

as the scary network
presents...

The parasite within.

Bring it on!

Woman on t.V.:
Oh, no. Look out, Bob!

Behind you!
It's the parasite!

Bob! No!

Bob: Sue, will you
quit worrying?

Aah!

It's eating me!
It's eating me!

Aah!

[Yawning]

Mmm...man.

Oh, boy, do I have
a case of the snackies.

Bob: Aah!
All is doomed!

Help!
Oh, my insides!

Oh, I'm being consumed
from the interior of me!

Well, I'll be.

If it isn't the chip
off the old block.

Sue:
Beware, townspeople.

That parasite
is a devious one.

Its appetite for flesh
is insatiable!

Wait, look!

There, behind you!

It's the parasite!

Aah!

Man: It's devouring
the whole village!

Run for your lives!

That's it.

The parasite
has eaten everyone.

Everyone except...

Oh, no.

The parasite's
inside me!

It's...inside...me!

Aah!

T.v. Announcer:
And so concludes our--

[turns off t.V.]

Heh heh heh.

That wasn't
really that scary.

Ha ha ha.

Look out, Dexter!

I'm the parasite,
and I'm gonna eat
your flesh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Gotcha, Dexter!

Dexter?

Hey, come on, son.

I--i was
just joshing.

Dexter? Son?

Snap out of it, boy!

Come on, d-man!

Wake up
for d-papa, huh?

[Sobbing]

I told you that movie
would be too scary.

For your
information, father,

the movie
did not scare me.

And neither did
your feeble attempts

to scare me
scare me.

And now, not
having been scared,

I wish to be
put down so I
may return to bed.

Thank you.

All right.
Cool your britches, son.

Heh heh heh.

[Rumbling]

The basement!

[Chime]

[Chime]

[Bump]

[Bump]

Um, hey, d-pops,

how about we just go on
up to bed, then, huh?

Come on, Dex.
This is your chance

to taste the thrill
of real manhood.

Now taste it!

What do you see,
Dexter?

Nothing.
I see nothing.

I only see darkness.
Nothing.

[Teeth chattering]

[Whispering]
We've got to go down

and turn on the lights!

[Stairs creaking]

Ok, Dexter,
on the count of three...

, ...

!

Aah!
Aah!

[Screaming]

I think we lost him.

[Panting]

Wait.
I hear something.

[Grumbling]

Oh, sweet uncle Joseph,
it's inside me!

The parasite's
inside me!

Run, Dexter!
Run for your--

[loud burp]

Dad!

That's just another
thrill of manhood, my boy.

[Doorknob jiggling]

[Evil laughter]

[Screaming]

[Laughter]

[Hacking]

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I thought
this was my house.

Good night.

The toolshed!

[Cawing]

[Thunder]

Gee, dad, you sure
have let the yard go.

[Birds cawing]

[Gasp]

[Screaming]

Aah!

[Both screaming]

Aah!
Aah!

[Panting]

No. No. No.

[Cawing]

Aah!

[Chiming]

Aah!

Aah!

[Screaming]

Aah!

[Both screaming]

Well, look who
it is, Dee Dee.

Would you boys
like some breakfast,

or, gee, maybe
you're still full of...

Parasite!

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

[Glass breaks]

Oh, dad'll
just love this.

[Hummingjingle bells]

P.A.:
Attention, shoppers.

We have a red-light sale
in aisle on...

Latex gloves.

Huh!

Huh!

[Fighting]

[Glass shatters]

Oh. Would you
look at that?

The very last pair.

Must be my lucky day!

[Hummingjingle bells]

[Clatter]

[Humming continues]

P.A.:
Attention, shoppers.

[g*nshots]

The truth has
the power.

Exactly.

Well, I bet my dad
can b*at up your dad.

Yeah? Well, I bet
that my dad can
b*at up your dad.

Is that so?
Yeah.

Yeah?
Is that so?
Yeah.

Well, we'll just
have to see about
that, won't we?

Grr!
Grr!

Dexter: Dad!

Mandark: Dad...

Dexter:
Dad! Dad...

Now, you know I don't
condone the use
of parental names

for the sake
of societal conformity.

Sorry.
Ah-hem.

Uh, wind bear?

You called,
love child?

Mandark wasn't
being very nice.

He was mean,
and he called me

a whole lot
of bad names.

Then he tried to
hurt me, and he
pushed me around.

He wouldn't
let up.

He just kept
coming after me.

Then he tried
to blast me

with lasers
and missiles.

But fortunately,
I was too quick.

[Sighs]

Now listen carefully,
young soul.

A wise man once said,

old pond,
frog jumps in.

Splash.

Look, Dexter,
kids are stupid.

They do idiotic things
for no reason at all.

And then
they go to prison.

And then
mandark said

that his dad could
kick your butt!

He said what?

The ability to talk
your problems through

will be
the biggest asset

to the wholeness
of your soul

and the approach
to manhood.

Let's hurry
and get this
over with.

I'm starving.

Hey, sir!

Peace, friend.

Uh...
Uh...

Ha ha...
Ha ha...

So, I hear there's
some animosity between
our two sons.

Yeah, seems
like they're not
getting along.

Well, boys will
be boys.

So true to life.

I always say that
the path to manhood
isn't straight;

it's bumpy and rough

with experiences
at every curve,

but there's always
a river of life
at the end.

Huh?

Well, uh...

I think you owe
Dexter an apology.

That's right.
Say you're
sorry, son.

Sorry.
Sorry.

Now, that wasn't
too painful, huh?

Our saplings are
turning into trees.

I'm always
telling Dexter

that there's
no use in calling
someone bad names

or getting
into fights.

And to think that
our blessed ones said

that we would
resort to v*olence.

How childish
and silly.

I mean,
you b*at me up?

The only thing
you b*at is
a different drum.

Ha ha ha.
Ha ha.

Gosh, what do
you hippies know
about v*olence?

Don't you
oppose w*r

or something
senseless
like that?

Ha ha ha.
Ha ha.

Aren't you...
Republican?

Ha ha ha.
Ha ha.

Where do you get
your muscles from?

Tofu?

Now, that's
a nutritious
staple.

You'd
be surprised--
meat eater.

And let me
guess--yoga.

You and those
stretches are
mighty tough.

Well, I didn't know
corporate lemmings
could throw a punch.

I didn't know
girlie sandals

were conductive
to fighting!

Yeah?
Yeah.

Is that so?!
Yeah!

Yeah?
Yeah!

Well--
in that case...

Oh...
The peace sign?

Well,
i--i don't know
what to say--

[thwat]

Why don't
you give more money
to the government?

Why don't you
wear a little more
patchouli?

They can't smell it
in China.

Hey,
where do you think
you're going?

Come back here!

Don't wanna fight
like a real man?

Uh!

Ham on rye.

Now, that's low--
real low!

I'm just
getting started.

[Sizzle]

Where'd that
tree-hugger go?

Oh! Hot! Hot meat!
Hot meat! Get it off!
Get it off!

No pain, no gain,
meat eater.

Huh?

Get a haircut,
why don't you?

Nature boy!

Cubicle worker!

Granola eater!
Voter!

Get back here!
Come back!

I'm gonna
catch up with you.

Oh, yeah? And then
what are you gonna--

[splat]

Are you crazy?

You just threw
a duck at me!

[Quack]
[Quack]

[Quacking]

I have had enough
of your duck-throwing
for one afternoon!

Hey! We're not
done here!

Hmm...
Maybe we are.

Wait up!

Come back!

It's over,
crystal gazer.

You are gonna
get it, lemming!

Grr!
Grr!

Wow...

I guess our dads
are a pretty
equal match.

Yeah.

But I bet my mom
can b*at up your mom.

Yeah? Well, I bet
that my mom can
b*at up your mom.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah!

Yeah, well, I bet
my mom can b*at up
your mom.

Oh, yeah,
you pseudo
scientist!

Quasi
nuclear physicist!

Helium head!

Shortstop!

Quantum quack!
Science boy!

You're a true
lame-brain!

Narrator:
Enter at your own peril--

past the vaulted door

where
impossible
things

may happen

that the world's
never seen before.

♪ In Dexter's
laboratory ♪

♪ lives the smartest boy
you've ever seen ♪

♪ but Dee Dee blows his

♪ experiments

♪ to smithereens

♪ there is gloom and doom

♪ while things go boom

♪ in Dexter's lab