03x01 - Wish You Were Ed/Momma's Little Ed

[bunniefuu]

Sarah: keep your
eyes on the road.

Ok, miss sarah.

I'm hot.

Turn on the air conditioning.

Ok, miss sarah.

I said, keep your
eyes on the road!

Ok, miss sarah. [Crash]

Where did you get your license,

In a chunky puff box?

If you don't like it,
lump it, miss sarah.

Gee, I'm sorry.

It's that darn road rage.

Aah!

Woo-hoo!

Demolition derby!

Nazz: look out, johnny!

Whoa! Quit hogging
the road, quirky.

Speaking of road hogs...

Feast your eyes on
rolf's hotshot wagon.

Very spicy, yes?

I've got heartburn.

How stupid can you get?

Easy come, easy go,

As rolf will make you
eat his fried onions.

A race, I say!

A race?

You're on.

Woohoo!

Victory, thy name is jimmy.

Where to, dude?

We race to the
fermented cane outlet.

What? Huh?

What did he say?

Curse this mode of expression.

How do you say...
The candy store?

Ah, their enthusiasm is brave,

But enough buffoonery.

Come, wilfred!

Go with the speed of cabbage!

Ha-ho!

Hello, rolf.

Hello, ed boys.

If we had some grease,
we could slide ed out.

Where the heck
are we gonna get...

Hey, rolf, can you
spare a cup of fat?

Rolf is heartbroken.

[Sighs]

Rolf's keister grows cold.

Rolf's what?

I grow tired of this...
This cold cement,

This... This twisted
steel of industry,

This confusing leisure delights,

And your ill-at-ease customs!

Rolf sweats himself
to understand

Your modern go-go world.

But he yearns the simple life...

The life once had
in the old country.

Are you all right, rolf?

My heart! My heart!

It's broken.

Rolf longs for the old village.

Jeez, talk about k*lling a mood.

Rolf's frustrated, eddy.

How difficult it
must be to adapt

To a new way of life,

To put aside handed-down beliefs

And be pulled
between two cultures.

Rolf's homesick, eddy.

Where'd you come from?

Blame my parents, eddy.

Hmm.

A transatlantic flight!

I've got the plan all up here.

And I'll fly the plane.

Let my salvage what's
left of this plot.

Whatever.

But if it works, it was my idea.

[Sighing]

[Mechanical pumping]

Eddy: come on, come
on! Move it, double-d!

I'm shoveling as
fast as I can, eddy.

We need more tennis
balls to float in the milk.

We need a full bowl of cereal.

Hurry up, before rolf shows up.

Oh, uh... Quick, ed.
You know the drill.

Woo-hoo!

It's a wish come true, huh, ed?

I wish, I wish, I was a fish.

Your kitchenware is larger
than papa's nasal wart,

But how can this be?

You can't catch me.

We just wished for a
giant bowl of chunky puffs,

And presto change-o,
we're soaking in it.

Hard to believe, isn't it, rolf?

Wait, tell rolf more
of this hocus-pocus,

As rolf has wishes, too.

Behold! The magical shoe!

[Gasps]

Rolf is humbled by
the stench of destiny.

Believe in the stench, rolf,

As it grants your wish,
no matter what it is.

Ed boy, could the
shoe take pity on rolf

And grant his wish to
return to his homeland?

Yes!

May rolf speak to the shoe?

No.

No?

Yes, no.

Yes, rolf knows
what makes ed boy tick.

No?

Yes!

Rolf's legs wobble
with weakness.

[Laughing]

Is there a manual for this?

Eddy: just make your wish.

And take a big whiff of
the stench of destiny.

He doesn't have
to smell the... Shh.

Oh, great shoe,

Grant rolf his wish and
take rolf to his home.

Could it be?

Hmm.

The water is fouled
with infestation.

My wish has been granted!

The son of a shepherd
has returned!

Ka-splursh!

Ha ha ha!

I knew this encyclopedia of old
world culture would come in handy.

Good, 'cause I got
money to spend.

Jawbreakers!

Wait!

But you can't leave.

Where was I going?

Come on, guys,

We have to see this through.

Rolf has a wish.

Rolf: hello?

Fishmonger?

Come quickly.

Rolf wishes to purchase
this fine fresh eel.

Did rolf say "purchase"?

Eyeballin' me eels
are you, villager?

I bow to thee, monger.

Yeah, sure.

Are you ready, monger?

What the heck's he doing?

It's a bartering pole, eddy.

"The barterers shall balance
themselves on the pole,

Using only their
abdominal area."

Riveting.

"In order to conduct
any market negotiations."

That's stupid.

Rolf: make haste, monger!

Meet the wife.

She handles the market stuff.

Ah?

The pleasure is mine.

Hee hee!

Enough formalities!

What is the worth
of these two eels?

Well, uh, let's see, now.

Uh, how about, uh, oranges?

I will give you two chickens.

Chickens?

Take the chickens!

Sounds fair.

Thank you.

What?

Do you not want chickens?

I'll be happy to take .

Chickens it is. I said two.

Chickens and a rubber band?

Two chickens!

My abdomen is k*lling me.

Two chickens, then.

Hang on there, villager.

This monger only takes cash.

Ed: I'll take those.

Chickens!

Rolf: thank you,
fishmonger and wife.

Rolf is beside himself,

For rolf is home again.

Mush, mush, mush, mush.

[Grunting]

That's a mighty fine
hole you dug there.

Do you like it?

This village requires
a hole-digging permit.

So unless you buy one,

I'm going to have to hit
you with one of these rocks.

Shh.

[Speaking foreign language]

What?

Ed: mush, mush, mush, mush.

Mush, mush, mush.

Ouch!

Your village idiot has
fallen in rolf's hole.

A celebration, I say!

Uh, sure. Why not?

Ho!

Ha ha ha.

You there, eel woman!

Raise the jug.

Play me the song
of rolf's feeling!

Folk songs, folk
songs... That's my horse?

I can't dance, rolf.

That's my horse!

Give it up for rolf!

That's my horse?

Yes, that's my horse.

That's my horse!

That's my horse!

I like this song.

Ed: my horse! My horse!

Ah, ah, ah.

Oh, what a delightful
barbaric dance.

You went with the gypsy brother!

Johnny!

He can't be here.

This is supposed to be
an old world village.

You don't belong here, johnny.

Why not?

'Cause, uh, you need a passport.

You're not the boss of us, eddy.

Fathead.

Yee-ha! Double-d!

He's making a run for it.

Johnny, please!

Stop. Rolf mustn't see you.

That's my horse!

Bald badgers.

Real problem in this village.

Aah!

Badgers make a fine stew.

Sure, they do.

You get the onions,

And I'll get the badger.

Golly!

Let's get out of here, plank.

Huh?

This is no village.

Oh, dear.

You have made a
merry andrew of rolf.

For this you must...

Rolf, wait, let me explain.

Um, you know what they say,

Curiosity k*lled the cat.

Oh, wrong analogy.

Edd: we were just trying to
share your cultural heritage.

Oh, is this so?

Let rolf teach you, then.

Come on, double-d.

Rolf wants to celebrate.

Check out
barishni-cough-drop, here.

That's my horse!

It's your horse!
It's your horse!

Uh, uh, uh.

Like this double-d.

Ok, ed, it's my horse.

No, edd, it's my horse!

Ha ha ha.

Ed: no, ed! Stop!

[Fighting]

So long, everybody!

[Fighting]

Eddy: keep your
eye on the egg, ed.

-Ball in the corner pocket.

What's going on in here?

Nothing. What?

Bingo!

Eddy: ha ha. Bingo.
Ha ha. Good one.

Can you two try to behave?

I'm almost done.

That's what he
said two hours ago.

There's people waiting
for us to take their money,

And we're stuck...
[Mechanical whirring]

Huh?

Aah!

Please don't do that.

Gee whiz, double-d.

I never realized you
were into such girl stuff.

Household tasks are
not just for girls, eddy.

And if you must know,

I was asked to mend
the curtains by mother.

Every child should
start their day

By completing the
tasks set upon them

By their parents.

I must eat your brain!

Aah!

I am all dressed up
and ready to go, guys.

Eddy: fashion victim.

Let's go, double-d.

In a minute. A
quick survey to see

If I missed any
parental sticky notes.

[Edd panting]

Are you bored?

'Cause I'm ready
to bust a... Hmm?

Oh, great, what's this one say?

Dear edward, stop breathing
'cause the sink is clogged?

Ha ha.

If chores is what
double-d wants,

It's chores double-d gets.

Nothing like a little
forgery to spark up the day.

See, this is mommy's note,

And my exact copy.

Pretty good, huh?

He'll never tell the difference.

That is so lame, eddy.

And you're, like, a
human photocopier,

Right, mr. Perfecto?

Dare to compare.

Will you ever cease
to amaze me, ed?

Yes, I will.

Edd: and last but not least,

Towels triangulated,

Inspected, and complete.

Well, well, well.

[Whistling]

Ready when you are.

Hey, double-d,

You're slipping,
'cause you missed one.

Hmm.

"Dear edward,

"Insert broom lint
into your belly button.

Love, mom..."

Oh, my.

I hope it's clean.

Well, a mother knows best.

Yes, indeedy.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

He did it!

What a tree bark.

Sap, ed. Sap.

Now that the lint is
safely tucked away,

Shall we go, chums?

But, double-d, a
note I see there.

Edd: father's suit!

How could I have
missed this one?

Yeah, what's with you?

Trying to chintz
out on your chores?

"Dear edward..."

[Mumbling]

Oh, my!

[Laughing]

There you go, victor.

Rolf's eyes sting
with your beauty.

Ah, rolf is good.

[Pig squeals]

Wilfred?

Have you eaten
rolf's hose again?

Well, wilfred, as
strange as this may seem,

You do look marvelous.

Spiffy.

This is too rich.

Rich?

What's rich?

Wilfred's rich.

Um, he looks like
a million bucks.

Yeah.

Hello, ed boys.

Why must you spoil wilfred

With this lavish monkey suit?

This will only lead him to search
for a life as an airline steward.

Monkey suit?

Speak to rolf.

Yeah, double-d, speak to rolf.

Oh, there you are.

Call it crazy,

But it was a chore, if you will.

A hand-written
request by father.

We communicate
through sticky notes.

Rolf respects your vow to uphold

The sticky notes of elders.

Yet... You must be punished.

What is that, rolf?

The hat of discipline.

Do you live in a cave?

All is forgiven.

Thank you, rolf.

Eddy: oh, look, we
found another note.

Edd: this is absurd, eddy.

What's come over
mother and father?

You read the note, double-d.

Don't be a chicken.

I'm a monkey.

You have to do

What the note says, double-d.

Jump higher, may.

She's too fat.

How about a fat lip?

Edd: hello?

Oh, I was going to...
Ask me for a date?

Sweep me off my feet?

Stand in line, girls.

Oh, yes, ha ha.

Could I trouble you
for a cup of sugar?

He wants to share condiments.

We're so alike!

Back off, bowser.

Marie, grab him
before he runs away.

This is better than cable.

Ladies, please!

We're ladies!

He said please.

Let's kiss him!

Kiss? No, not that!

And I thought today
was gonna be a write off.

Get it, write off?

I can't stand it! Oh, no!

They tore off double-d's head.

Hurry up, ed.
Write another note.

Lee: well, if it ain't.

Tweedle dee and tweedle dum.

You take the short,
yappy one, lee.

b*at it, marie.
You had your turn.

I'll take the big,
goofy one, lee.

Run, ed!

Don't let me have to use this.

What are you gonna do?

Bake us a cake?

Ed: wait for me, eddy!

Ha ha ha!

Double-d, you should have
seen the look on your face.

It was so ripe.

This is so out of control, eddy.

Mother and father's
requests have become unsound.

It's as though they were written

By someone other
than my parents.

Nope. Couldn't be.

It was them, all right.

And who knows what the
next sticky note will say?

[Gasps]

Oh, my, you're right, eddy.

Shh. Do you hear it?

Distrust is knocking on my door.

Listen. Could it be?

It's the sticky notes
of the apocalypse!

I can't go home, eddy.

There's only one solution.

I'll just move in
with one of you.

Move in with me!
Move in with me!

Yeah, lumpy could
use some company.

We can be like brothers

And share the same bathroom.

Thank you, ed. That's, um, nice.

But I'll stay with eddy.

His room has the same
proportions as mine,

And with a little renovating...

Oh! Oh, I know!

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't I have a say in this?

Please submit any
suggestions anonymously,

And I'll see if they
fit in the plans.

You'll just love it.

Ed: oink, oink.

Here is a bookshelf
and a new ant farm.

My turntable!

I'm sure my ants will
be very happy there, ed.

Bless his soul.

Let me help, ed.

Double-d, wait. It
was all a big joke.

Me and ed...

Well, mostly ed,
I just watched...

Wrote those silly sticky notes.

Funny, huh?

Reality check.

I think I can recognize my
own parents' handwriting, eddy.

Puh-lease.

Ed: vroom, vroom, vroom.

I cut the air in two!

This side's yours, double-d.

We can share the air, ed.

It's my air. I ain't sharing.

Ed, stop sawing the air.

My rug!

Shag rugs are a magnet
for discarded nail trimmings.

My magazines!

I have plenty of
educational reading material

We can share.

Not to worry.

That's it!

Put back my magazines,

My shag rug, and my air!

My mirror ball!

Oops. It wasn't me.

Sorry.

Get out of my room!

You're a pest!

Fine, no need to
repeat yourself.

No, sir, I'm a good listener.

I'll just sleep under
a bench somewhere,

Seeing as I can't
return to my home

Or rely on my friends.

Eddy: out with ya!

It's gonna take me
forever to fix all this air.

What's with you?

What?

Stop looking at me like that.

Don't... Don't make me
have to kick you out.

Double-d!

A rock provides shelter
to many arthropods.

Double-d, don't touch that rock!

It is yours, I suppose.

I'll go elsewhere.

No, wait. You got
it all wrong, pal.

It was all ed's fault,
and kevin, as usual.

Kevin?

Yeah, that square-headed jerk.

But kevin wasn't
in this show, eddy.

There you go. So my
room's your room.

Thank you, eddy. Thank you.

You won't even know I was there.

Uh, our faces are
touching, double-d.

Nice and comfy, double-d?

Tuck me, eddy.

Thank you, eddy.

Here's your warm milk.

"Biology for the astute."

Good choice, eddy.

"And so from a still pond,

A young mosquito,
also known as the larv..."

What's this word?

Larva, eddy.

Oh, yeah. Where was i?

You know, eddy,

Mother and father before bed

Would usually massage my feet.

It relaxes me so.

Ed!

Ed, edd, and eddy!