21x13 - Single White Dad

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Meg, the boys need the room.

'Kay, one sec...

Crap!

Gene, they're coming.

They're coming fast, Gene.

Start recording, Gene. Gene!

Chris, your mother and I
divided all our stuff

after a recent argument,

and I came across
something very special:

the Nintendo NES.

This is a day I've been
waiting for for years,

and now, I get to share it with my son.

Get ready for the greatest
video game of all time,

Donkey Kong.

(' S VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

- This game sucks.
- What are you talking about?

Uh, what universe does this
even take place in?

Everything needs to take place
in a universe.

It's a warehouse with ladders
where a monkey took a girl.

What about the micro-transactions

that slowly bankrupt our family?

Or the children slinging r*cist
taunts into your earpiece?

It has two buttons, and I have
to look down when I press them.

Donkey Kong sucks.

I could build the same game
on our house.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Donkey Kong house?

Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie.

- We needed a damsel.
- Hey, do I look upset?

What do we got today?

Looks like a Donkey Kong house.

(SIGHS) What a mess.

- Want a beer?
- Yes, sir.

- Is that a YETI?
- It is.

You mind if I talk about it
for minutes?

Oh, I know I can't stop you.

- (' S VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
- Barrel.

Barrel. Barrel.

What is all this noise?

I'm trying to buy everything
on Amazon in here.

PETER: Barrel.

Ah! My foot. Oh, I think it's broken.

Uh-oh. Next level.

(IMITATES DONKEY KONG SOUND EFFECTS)

(SIGHS) The doctor said
I'm gonna be laid up for a week,

so you'll have to take care of the kids,

but that'll give you some quality time

with them, huh? Are you excited?

No, and you know that.

Are you brushing with a grill brush?

I left my toothbrush
at a hotel three years ago.

Look, now, don't worry,
it's just a week,

and taking care of kids
is not that hard.

The Facebook status of every girl

I went to high school with
would disagree.

Plus, you know I'm not very good
at taking care of things.

Remember, I even lost custody
of our orchid.

Please, you can't take my baby.

- How often did you water her?
- Every day.

- Every day?
- I thought water was good.

Not that much. What about sun?

I put it in the front window.

A western-facing window?

That's direct, afternoon
sunlight, you... monster!

It's not worth it, O'Malley.

Why do these guys get to have
one while me and Molly...

(SNIFFLES)

Hey, it's gonna
happen for you and Molly, I know it.

Stress doesn't help.

Why don't you guys come over tonight?

We'll hang out on the patio.

Yeah, okay. That sounds nice.

Want me to bring anything?

How about the food and the drinks?

That feels like everything, but okay.

Breakfast?

You're supposed to make breakfast.

Oh, right.

(GROANS)

Maybe we should go out for food.

Having a little trouble this morning?

No, no, I'm doing great.

Look, I already got
Stewie and Brian changed.

BOTH: Ow.

Okay, maybe I'm having
a little trouble, but I'm a dad.

The only thing I know
how to use is a Shop-Vac.

I already made myself some toast,

so I don't need your help.

Dads need to eat first.

Get out.

There's a grenade in here.

Use it to get a better lunch.

I got a sandwich in mine.

You got the wrong bag.

(SIGHS)

Finally.

Aw, crap, three kids.

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

I don't know what
I'm supposed to bring in.

You're doing a great job, Dad.

- So cute.
- #DanceLikeADad.

I'm waving to someone behind you.

Wow, everybody's being so nice.

Hey, we normally order at the counter,

but it looks like you've got
your hands full today.

What can I get you?

Can you stuff
a blueberry muffin into a cup

and pour coffee all over it?

Normally, no, but I can't say
"no" to a super dad like you.

Where's this little guy's mom?
Is she coming in, too?

No, she's not with us.

Oh, my, she's dead? I'm so sorry.

Oh, actually...

Is there anything else I can bring you?

We make a great homemade
banana cream pie.

It's on the house.

Uh... yeah.

My wife is dead.

I'll have that pie.

- I'll bring it right away.
- (SIGHS)

- Is everything okay?
- Uh...

I'll never forget her last words,

"Get free extra whipped cream
on your Frappuccino."

It already comes
with a lot of whipped cream.

(CRYING): She was very specific
about more.

There he is.

How's the week going as the solo dad?

And how is Lois' foot?

I'm not rooting for her
to lose it, but...

Are you guys about to talk
about your kids?

You said I can look at my phone
when you talk about your kids.

This is the closest
I've ever been to Mr. Quagmire.

He's wearing makeup.

You know, I thought this week
was gonna suck,

but everywhere I go people
are super helpful and nice.

That's because you're a dad alone.

That's the closest thing
people get to seeing a hero.

It's right after wounded veteran

or ugly person who sings well.

Totally. A mom alone
with her kids is a mess,

but when a woman sees a dad
doing the same thing,

total panty dropper.

Ew, Joe.

I've also been lying
about Lois being dead

to get free things.

- Thoughts?
- What kind of free things?

Pie, mostly.

- Good pie?
- Homemade.

That's better than regular-made.

Bonnie lies about me being dead
all the time. You're fine.

Just as long as you share
that pie with Kirby here.

- Right, little guy?
- Who's Kirby?

- Your son. Kirby.
- His name is Stewie.

Huh. Looks like a Kirby.

No one looks like a Kirby.

You'll see. I've never been
wrong about a Kirby.

(BELL RINGS)

Peter? Can you come up here?

Need something, Lois?

Oh, well, I just need
the Apple TV remote.

Well, I am great at fetch. (LAUGHS)

Just the remote, please.

Whoa. Did you feel that?

(CHUCKLES) This isn't gonna
turn into an English Patient

- type of thing, is it?
- What does that mean?

You know, caregiver and patient.

A strong bond develops. Intimacy.

Oh, maybe.

Our fingers did touch
when you handed me that remote.

I know.

You know,
I've been in this bed for a long time.

I... I sure could use a sponge bath.

Oh, word?

Why don't you start down by my cast?

Oh, God, your leg is covered in hair.

That's right. I can't shave down there

'cause the cast will get wet.

- Look at it. Smell it.
- (GRUNTS) No.

Take a deep breath and smell it.

(SNIFFS) Ah! What is that?

Four days of sweat and a dinner fork

that got stuck
when I scratched my ankle.

Please, let me go.

This English Patient enough for you?

I don't know, I never saw it.

Every door you walk through
isn't a scenario

you've typed
into the search bar of p*rn.

- This is real life, and it stinks.
- Please, let me go.

Now, you listen to me.

- Every minutes, I'm gonna ring this bell...
- (BELL RINGS)

...and you're gonna come in
and take out a bowl of my waste.

If that's us forming a strong bond,

then you and I are gonna form
a very strong bond. Now, go.

(WHIMPERS)

(SNIFFS) Oh, buddy,
this smells like a big one.

You've been feeding me nothing
but Chick-fil-A, so, yeah.

- A dad's changing a diaper.
- A dad changing a diaper?

No biting, Aidan.

("HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO"
BY BONNIE TYLER PLAYING)

♪ Where have all the good men gone ♪

♪ And where are all the gods? ♪

♪ Where's the streetwise Hercules ♪

♪ To fight the rising odds? ♪

♪ I need a hero ♪

♪ I'm holding out for a hero
'til the morning light ♪

♪ He's got to be sure,
and it's got to be soon ♪

♪ And he's got to be larger ♪

♪ Than life, larger than life. ♪

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Uh-oh.

Do you own a gray Honda Accord?

- No.
- Okay, good.

Good.

My name's Becky,
and this is my son, T. J.

You're the single dad, whose wife is...

Two feet under, yes.
The shallow graves were cheaper.

I was wondering if you wanted
our kids to have a playdate.

I know how hard it can be
being a single parent.

I can make some lunch,
fire up the bounce house...

We'll do it, we'll do it.

Those two seem to be getting along well.

Yeah. So, how long
have you had a pet cloud?

That's... a skylight.

Does it bite?

(LAUGHS)

Do you want a beer?
I can make some snacks,

maybe pull out the
popcorn machine for the kids.

Or we don't tell them,

and we keep all the popcorn
for ourselves.

(LAUGHS) You're fantastic.

(LAUGHS) I'm... I'm-I'm serious, though.

Hey, cheers.

I'm glad we did this.

Having to entertain
a kid all day is exhausting.

How long have you been doing it alone?

- Ah, feels like forever.
- Yeah, I know.

Doesn't get any easier.

I thought that after
my late husband, Scott...

(YAWNS) Huh?

Hey, Mom, can I show Stewie my room?

- Sure.
- Yes! Come on, Stewie.

Door open, bud.

Dad.

You know, we could make this
a regular thing.

It'll take the pressure off us
having to entertain them.

Yeah, I'd like that a lot.
Oh, no, your pet cloud got out.

That's a-a window.

So... so it'll come back?

- (FLY BUZZING)
- Go away.

- Stop it. Damn it.
- (BELL RINGS)

Need help, Mom?

Can you get rid of this fly?

There's a swatter in the
top drawer of the dresser.

Okay, that drawer is full of sex toys.

Oh. Well, we must've moved
the fly swatter.

Uh, try the middle drawer.

Is this a bit? Because that drawer

is also filled to the brim
with sex toys.

Sorry. Look in the bottom drawer.

Wrong again.

(CRYING)

These last few days have been
really fun for me and T. J.

I really like you, Peter.

It's rare that you can relate to someone

on a deeper level like we can.

I know. Can I tell you something?

I know this is crazy, and
I-I don't use this word lightly,

but I love the way you cut sandwiches.

Perfect triangles. You're amazing.

You're amazing, too.

You've got a childish wonder about you,

just like my late husband Scott,

- who used...
- (YAWNS) Huh?

So, should we go back to my place?

Keep the playdate going?

Maybe take out the popcorn machine?

Let me touch all the buttons.

You can pour in the kernels.

- You think I'm ready?
- No,

but I'll make sure you don't spill.

(MOANS)

I wonder what Scott would think of this.

(SIGHS) Give her a break.
She was acquitted.

And then she kissed me.

I don't know what to do.

I guess lying about having
a dead wife to eat popcorn

wasn't the best idea.

That's a nice story, Peter.

Did anyone else break
any sacraments this week?

Well, there's two things
you can do from here:

break it off or go full scumbag.

If you're interested in going
scumbag, I sell a starter kit.

It includes a second phone,
fake addresses,

and some golf shirts.

- I don't golf.
- Nobody does.

Golf was invented purely

so husbands can cheat on their wives.

A six-hour game
in a completely different town

where you need special shirts?
I-I don't think so.

I was only hanging out
with Becky to help with Stewie.

She clearly saw it as something else.

I got to break it off
before Lois finds out.

You need to break it off 'cause

it's the right thing to do.

When did you get glasses?

You like them? They're Kirby Parkers.

"Becky, please accept this GIF

"of Forrest Gump waving
on a boat as goodbye.

"You are a great person,

"but things are moving
a little too fast.

"Almost as fast as this GIF
of Forrest Gump

- running out of his driveway."
- (PHONE WHOOSHES)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Surprise.
- Becky? What are you doing here?

I wanted to come over
and make you dinner.

It's probably been
a while since you've had

a nice, home-cooked meal.

You don't have to do this.

- Hey, Mom Two is here.
- Hey, Stewie.

What's going on? Who's this?

You didn't tell me you had a dog.

He's very close to being put down.

I didn't want you to get attached.

Aw, but he's so cute.

(MOANS)

Oh, I don't care who she is.
She can stay.

- (BELL RINGS)
- I'll be right back.

(GRUNTS)

Hello, dear.

I heard the doorbell, who was it?

Delivery guy. We ordered dinner.

- Oh, where did you order from?
- That place you hate.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll just come
downstairs and join you anyway.

You know, it's been about a week,
and I'm starting to feel better.

Uh, no, no, no. Trust me,
you-you-you don't want to go downstairs.

Uh, Brian is talking
about the Electoral College.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- I'll just eat dinner up here.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Excusez moi.

(YELPS, CHUCKLES)

Hi, I have your boner
and butt pills from Gladiator.

That's supposed to be discreet.

Hey, Dad. Where's Mom?

Upstairs... Uh, the big upstairs.

- That's what we call heaven.
- Mm. I get it.

I tell T. J. that
my late husband Scott's...

- (YAWNS) Huh?
- (BELL RINGS)

Mom's calling.

I-I told them every time a bell rings,

that's their mom saying hello.

- LOIS: Help.
- Help, help. Saying-saying help.

She-she d*ed very painfully.
Pardonnez moi.

You forgot your box
of boner and butt pills.

It's discreet.

(GRUNTS)

(SINGSONGY): Mur-der the carpet.

Hello.

I... What are you doing?

Can you help me down the stairs?

Uh, th-the doctor said
to stay in bed a week.

You know, I just need
to get out of this room.

My back is k*lling me.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Lois,

if you stay up here
for the rest of the night,

I will use the marital tongue on you.

Okay, but this time,
I get to pick the spot.

In the meantime, can you just
get me the heating pad

for my back? It's in the attic.

- (TIMER DINGS)
- The roast.

Wait a minute, I'm not cooking dinner.

Heating pad, heating pad, heating pad...

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Oh, crap.

Hey. H-Hey, what are you doing, Bonnie?

I told Lois I would bring her
a loaf of my sourdough bread.

- She doesn't want it.
- What?

I just talked to her.

She's dead. Lois d*ed. Go away.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing
with her washing machine?

It's not for sale.
You'd need a furniture dolly

to get it out of the basement anyway.

We have one. I'll give you $ .

Yeah, y... O-O-Okay. Maybe. Maybe.

Will it fit through the bulkhead door?

Yeah, it looks like it'll fit.

It'll totally fit.

Yeah, all right. Let's do it. $ .

Heating pad.

(LAUGHS) Ah, wonderful.

(YELPS)

Ugh, terrific.

(STOMPING ON ROOF)

(SCOFFS) Probably a prowler.
It's cool, I know him.

He'll just go right into my bed.

- Hey.
- Hey, Meg's eating dinner.

That's cool, I'll wait.

(LAUGHING): It's kind of my thing.

How am I gonna get down?

If you hold this feather, you can fly.

Really? Wow, thanks, little rat.

Ow! (GRUNTS)

That's for putting locks
on your garbage cans, you d*ck.

(GASPS)

Heating pad.

Where did you go? And why was your box

of boner and butt pills on the stairs?

I almost tripped.

Those are discreet.

Now, let's get you back upstairs.

(GASPS, GRUNTS)

(GROANS) It's all right, Peter,

- just open the Calm app.
- (PHONE BEEPS)

"Your credit card
has been decli..." Whee!

There you are, Peter. Are you okay?

Is this your mother?

I'm sorry. Who the hell are you,
and why are you holding my baby?

See? Total bitch, right?

Boy, this-this is gonna be
a really funny story

when I tell you both separately
far away from each other.

- Hey, Mom.
- Mom?

Peter said you were dead.

Dead? I am not dead.

I was just recovering from foot surgery,

so I put him in charge of the kids.

- Now, what the hell happened?
- Heating pad?

I cannot believe this, Peter.

You've been lying to me?

I thought we had something.

And what kind of a mother
leaves their husband

with the kids for a week?
It is a miracle they're alive.

- Excuse me?
- I'll tell you what kind of mother,

the best mom there is.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Becky.

All I wanted was free popcorn.

Taking care of kids is relentless.

There's no escape.

You know, unless you
"accidentally" leave them

in a hot car.

I mean, you'd get less jail time
than actual m*rder, right?

And-and prison has to be
quieter than your actual life.

Anyway, if I've learned
anything this week,

it's that all mothers are heroes,

and the biggest hero I know

is the one I'm lucky enough
to call my wife.

Oh, Peter,

that almost cancels out
everything you've done.

Look, Becky, I don't blame you
for what happened.

Nobody does.

But you're a beautiful woman,

you can do better than a
-year-old morbidly obese guy.

You know what, you're right.

Ever since I lost
my late husband Scott, I...

GRIFFINS: (YAWNS) Huh?

The other mom just left, and now,

Bonnie's dragging a washing machine

out from the bulkhead.

(CHUCKLES) Never a dull moment.

Hey, grab me a beer from the YETI.

- You know it'll be cold, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Just picture it, the place:
Dripping Springs, Texas.

Roy and Ryan Seiders,

brothers tired of their
conventional coolers breaking

when they would stand-cast
into the Gulf Coast,

took matters into their own hands

and created the cooler
to end all coolers.

ANNOUNCER: Yeti coolers:

for the man in your life
with no personality.

(SIGHS) Well, I'm glad
my foot's all healed.

It's so nice to be back downstairs.

Yeah, and I'm happy our relationship

is stronger than ever, and
everything is back to normal.

Well, except every time
I look out the window,

the beginning of "Kiss Me"
by Sixpence None the Richer

- starts playing.
- What?

♪ Kiss me ♪

♪ Out of the bearded barley ♪

- ♪ Nightly. ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)

PETER: Aw.

- (MUSIC RESUMES)
- ♪ Oh, kiss me ♪

♪ Beneath the milky twilight ♪

♪ Lead me ♪

♪ Out on the moonlit floor ♪

♪ Lift your open hand ♪

♪ Strike up the band and make. ♪