01x09 - The Book!

[bunniefuu]

- Honey, it happened.

I heard from him.

- Heard from who?

That guy Anton with the medieval Serbian book that might have a cure for Whoa.

Your eye is a little wonky there.

Ever since I shoved it back in, it occasionally drifts.

Would you mind fixing it for me?

Oh, uh Come on.

I have a really hard time lining it up straight, okay?

Please?

I'll make it up to you.

[sighs]

Sure.

Although I can't quite tell if you're flirting with me or my flip

-flops.

[chuckles]



- So, what did Anton say?



- It was a text.

Said he'd meet with me, but only in public and only if I stop calling him.



- This feels weird.



- Don't think about it.



- How many times did you call?



- [sighs]

I'm not telling.

You might take my phone away.

He's gonna be at a paranormal conference today in Oxnard.

He meets you, you put on your little horror show, eat a finger, let him s*ab you in the stomach,

- and he'll have to let us see that book.



- Okay.

Happy about that.

Less happy about being called a horror show.

Ooh, wait, right there.

Yeah, yeah.



- Okay, now press it until you hear a pop.



- No.

Come on.

Go on.



- [eyeball pops]



- [sighs and moans]

Now we're grooving.

Yay.

Eric's been to a bunch of these conventions and said he'd come in case we need help translating nerd to English.



- [chuckles]



- [Sheila]

Hmm.

ParanormalCon.

You know, it's too bad that Anton isn't a hamster because then we could communicate with him through Vicky the Pet Psychic.

I know a lot of this seems improbable, but I also never thought one day I might be making a Snapple cap sound with my wife's eyeball.



- Hey, everyone.

Don't freak out.



- [door shuts]

Why would we Because a cop's bringing your daughter home.

I got a call from a colleague who pulled Abby over for running a stop sign, on a motorcycle without plates or a VIN number, in a jacket that says "p*ssy Magnet.

"

- What?



- My God, that's a lot for me to process.

The smartest thing she did was drop my name to the officer.

Thank you, Rick, for bringing her home.

If you really want to thank me, you'll invite me over when you cook up this beautiful meat.



- You doing Korean barbecue?



- Not Korean.

Whatever.

It's calling my name.

[chuckles]

[dispatch on radio, indistinct]



- Could have, a week ago.



- You were riding a motorcycle?

Are you crazy?

I mean, where did you even get it?

[door closes]

I decided to fix up Dad's bike, so I took it to this chop shop.

The guy there completely ripped me off, and then he OD'd and d*ed.

So I took his bike and I would continue but Dad's already blinking a lot.

Abby, there are about six points in that story

- where you could've gotten k*lled.



- Seven, if you include this one.

[Sheila]

You could've gotten arrested.

This could go on your permanent record.



- You might not get into college.



- [sighs]



- I might not want to go to college.



- [scoffs]



- What?



- Who cares what you want?

What your daddy is trying to say is that we don't care what you want.



- Obviously, we're upset.



- We're upset.

I forgive you.

I'll be upstairs being grounded.

Good, 'cause you're grounded! God, that felt hollow.

She stole a motorcycle and doesn't want to go to college.

We're losing control.

I'm gonna skip the convention today and spend some time with her.

Honey, this guy, Anton, has the book that might have a cure.

This might be the only chance we get to talk to him.

Lately, there's always something more important than Abby.

We have to go buy a meat freezer.

I have to eat the dead guy in the tub.

I gotta go find the femur I lost in the driveway.

I know we've been distracted, apparently enough for you to lose a human bone in the front yard.



- It had rolled under the car.

I found it.



- Fantastic.

My point is there'll be plenty of time for Abby after you're better.

Honey I know that you want to believe there's a cure, but what if there's not?

Don't talk like that.

There has to be.



- We have to try, even if it's a long sh*t.



- It is a long sh*t.

But it's a sure thing that my daughter needs me.

And I need to know that if I'm not gonna be here, she's gonna be okay.

Fine.

I'll just go with Eric.

How hard can it be to get a nervous paranoid recluse to show me his most prized possession?

I have faith in you.

I also believe that you won't be the only guy at a paranormal convention without a woman on his arm.

[clicks tongue]

[Lisa]

Thank you for taking Eric to the freak convention.

He's so excited he took two showers.

He sweats.

Please, leave us something to talk about.

So, how are you doing?

I'm good.

Dan's partner, Anne, has been keeping me distracted.

She comes, like, all the time.

That must be nice.

Really nice.



- [knocks on door]



- Eric, you have a gentleman caller.

Mom, you don't have to sexualize everything.



- He's not wrong.



- Oh, you two.

Hey, you told me you would clean up your room before you left.



- I'll do it when I get home.



- Promise is a promise, mister.



- Do it now.



- Okay.

Have fun today.

I love you.

[kisses, sniffs]

Ohh! g*dd*mn, you still have that new baby smell.

Ohh

- I didn't hear any of that.



- Excellent.

Hey, thanks again for taking me to the convention.

Dan never went to these with me.

He said it should be called a para

-not

-normal convention.

I told him that's what paranormal already meant, then he accidentally spilled beer on my Xbox.



- So, any news about finding your stepdad?



- You mean since you k*lled him?

Oh, that's a thing that you know.

Abby told me.

I'm really sorry, Eric.

He kept pushing me and pushing me, and I just snapped.

Hey, it could happen to Well, "anybody" is probably too broad of a category when talking about murdering someone with a shovel.

I am not a m*rder*r.

Okay, technically, I am.

Not even technically.

Literally.

But I refuse to be defined by the one time I m*rder*d somebody.

But enough about me.

How are you holding up?

I've stopped sleeping.

Every time I close my eyes, I see Dan calling to me.

Oh, Jesus, Eric.

I am so sorry.

[sighs]

No, I'm just messing with you.

Dan was an awful man and I'm glad he's gone.

Do you know how to fold a hoodie?

Yeah.

The secret is to not give a sh*t, 'cause I have to save my wife.

Let's go.



- And I hang mine in the closet.



- You hang it, okay.

After we return the motorcycle, I thought we could go have tea at that cute little tea shop?

Like when you were little?

Remember, that place with the scones?

If you don't answer, will I end every sentence in a question?

Yes?

I don't see why we have to return the bike.

The guy's dead.

He doesn't care.

Well, I'm dead and I care.

You took something that doesn't belong to you.



- You need to learn that's wrong.



- [machine whirring]

Oh, excuse me, sir?

Do you work here?

Hey, that's my brother's bike.

Oh, you're the deceased's brother.

I'm so sorry.

He was a great man.

What the f*ck are you doing with his bike?

My daughter borrowed it and wants to return it.

Borrowed it or stoled it?

Uh, well, since she's bringing it back, definitely borrowed.

And "stoled" is not a word.

What?

How is he gonna learn?



- College.



- Smooth.

While I enjoy mother/daughter stuff on the Internet, this isn't working for me.

So why don't you get out of here before I press charges.

I'm the one who should be pressing charges.

Your brother took my money and didn't fix my bike.

My brother was a stupid f*cking idiot, so if he ripped you off,

- that makes you a stupider f*cking idiot.



- All right.

I was just trying to teach my daughter a lesson about doing the right thing but having experienced you, I think you should give her the money back.

Now.

Fine.

f*ck it.

I'll get it for you.

Wait here.



- [door slams shut]



- See?

Now we're learning another lesson.

If you treat people firmly but with respect [handsaw buzzing]

[raising voice]

you're more likely to get what you want.



- He's not coming out.



- It would appear not.

Now what lesson are we learning?



- [buzzing stops]



- To let it go.

We're gonna go have our tea and we're not gonna let our day be ruined by some pervert who can't even look us in the eye when he's cheating us.

What kind of tea are you gonna get?

Probably like a nice steaming cup of f*ck you, m*therf*cker! You donkey fucker, give us our f*cking money back! I think we're gonna do different mother/daughter stuff today.

Awesome.

Can we not call it mother/daughter stuff?



- I know.

He totally ruined that.



- Yeah.

[low chatter]



- Hey.



- Where is this guy?

He'll be here.

Check it out.

I got a churro saber.

This place feels a little less than scientific.

[muffled]

Don't lose your faith.

Anton is the real deal.

He's got files proving the government's been suppressing the existence of the undead.



- Bite?



- Pass.

Yeah, it's not very good.

Once you get food over three feet long, it's more about structural integrity than flavor.



- Excuse me.

I'm trying to find someone.



- Someone?

Yeah.

His name's Anton.



- Anton?



- Hey, Bordan.



- Eric.



- Oh, you two know each other?

Hi, I'm Joel, Eric's friend.

I'm thirsty.

What the hell was that?

These people aren't like you.

You can't come on that strong.

"I'm Joel" is too strong?

Yes, with those piercing eyes and perfect posture, you're like that hundred foot tall Christ statue overlooking Rio.

You need to be more like well, Bordan.

I'm not sure I can do that, because I can operate a juice box.

Well, you're gonna have to try 'cause Anton just came in.

Oh, my God, that's him?



- Come on, I need answers.



- Whoa, Jack Bauer, dial it down.

Less [in gruff voice]

"I need answers," and more [in normal voice]

"Excuse me, hi, I'm so sorry.

Um, I have a question.

" Yeah.

There's got to be something in here we can use to get that guy out of there so we can talk to him.

I have tear gas that Eric and I stole from Dan.

Oh, my God, you stole tear gas from Dan?

Dad k*lled him and you ate him.

Yes, we haven't been the best role models lately, but that's what today is about.

We're going to find a non

-violent solution to your problem.

[gasps]

Oh, look.

It's my old college pencil.



- What?



- Not really.

I'm just looking for a way to talk to you about college.

Why don't you want to go?

Maybe I just want to live a little freer.

You know, like you do now, less about planning and the future and more about living in the moment.

Yes, it's fun to be carefree and spontaneous, and less hirable in a depressed job market.

Plans are important too, honey.

Plans?

A couple of weeks ago you said I should drop out of school and be a poet.

Sometimes I say things impulsively now.

That's why I'm not allowed back at Starbucks anymore, where that bitch works.

Mom, I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

I'm not a little girl who needs to listen to Raffi to fall asleep.

Oh, my God, Raffi.

You used to play him over and over and over until I couldn't take it anymore.

[Sheila singing along]

Baby beluga Oh, baby beluga Is the water warm?

Is your mama home with you so happy?

You know what might help?

Strap this to the front of the car and drive it through his door.

Baby beluga, oh 1950s the government secretly detonates nukes over Bikini Atoll, poisoning thousands.

1960s, the CIA secretly tests its MKUltra mind control project.

2012, a man in Florida eats another man's face and they want you to think that he's high on bath salts?

If you believe that, I got a Japanese sex doll to sell you, unused.

[attendees chuckling]

Uh, didn't you also recently discover evidence of an undead anomaly in 19th century Poland?



- Very good.



- Thank you.

Rybnik, 1870.

Three priests walk into a tavern and, no, that is not the beginning of a joke.

A local farmer set upon them and ate them down to their collars.

I have the pictures.

The government came up with all sorts of excuses: bad vodka, poisonous flowers, Jews.

[Joel]

What about Serbia?

[attendees murmuring]

What?

Didn't your research also uncover a book about an event in Serbia or not?

I don't know.

16th century Pozica.

You've done your homework.

Yeah.

Big fan.

I'm Joel.

Oh, you're the guy who's called me a billion times.

May I see the book, please?

I don't know you and I don't take it out in public, but I do keep a digitized version of it along with ten gigs of paranormal, classified documents right here on this thumb drive.

[all gasping]

This is the truth, my friends.

Look at it! Now, stop looking at it.

I'm just kidding, you can look at it.

No, don't! Too many people want this and I don't want your lives to be in the same danger as mine.



- I need to see it.



- Whoa! Look at this guy.

What is your deal?

You work for the government?



- Does anyone here know this dude?



- I do.

He's cool.

SpaceBaller 2000.

I moderate the Zombie Town subreddit.

Well, if SpaceBaller 2000 vouches for him then I guess I can let my guard down.

[all chuckling]

[attendees gasp]

Good reflexes.

Bet you played a lot of ball before you sold out and joined Big Brother.

I'm not with the government.

I just need your help.

Nice try blending in, you handsome thick

-haired son of a bitch.

[sighs]

I knew I should've bought you a hat.

Mom, it's not working.

[music stops]

[man]

Hey, put Raffi back on.

He makes me happy.

Yeah.

He makes everybody happy.

That's why he's a multi

-generational success.

[man]

You and your daughter's asses are a multi

-generational success.

Stop reducing us to only sexual beings.

[man]

Oh, keep talking, I'm almost finished.

[groans]

Goddammit.

[sighs]



- You okay?



- Okay.

New lesson: if at first you don't succeed

- then blast his ass with tear gas.



- Yeah!

- Yeah, you do!

- [both grunt]

Put your pants on, bitch, 'cause you're coming out! [stifled laugh]

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.



- This is it.

Chop shop's right under us.



- Okay.

You hold open the grate, I'll drop the tear gas into the vent.



- You sure you know what you're doing?



- Yeah, I teargassed Sarah's ex

-boyfriend.



- Cole?

Oh, my God.

I almost ate that guy.



- Really?

Mm

-hmm.

We're learning so much about each other today.

[can clatters, hissing]

[coughing and gagging]

[Sheila]

Oh, sh*t, it's the wrong unit! [men coughing, gagging]

We're right over the chop shop.

What kind of screwed up ventilation system do they have here?



- We teargassed two innocent people.



- Uh I just wanted to spend a nice day with my daughter and set a good example.

What the f*ck happened?

I should at least stop cussing.

That's not even that f*cking hard.



- [sighs]



- I need that flash drive.

I should've brought a shovel.

I've gotten pretty good with a shovel.

Remember, we're not letting that one m*rder define us.

Look, Anton thinks you're government, let me talk to him.

Hey.

So you moderate that Zombie Town subreddit.

Oh, you're a fan?

Uh, uh I'm super busy right now but, uh, I guess I could sign something.

No, actually, I just wanted to ask you a few questions about the, uh, undead subject you've been in contact with.

What undead subject?

Uh, he's been writing about a post

-mortem female who's k*lled and consumed several people.



- What?



- [man]

Yeah.

You have?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Are you posting about Sheila?

You put my whole family at risk.

I thought someone might know something.

Really?

Or were you just trying to win some nerd popularity contest?

Ooh, that hurts.

Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly because my dual

-income household was just reduced to a single

-income household.

I knew you weren't cool with me k*lling your stepdad.

I thought I was, but when a squid's under att*ck he throws out ink.

You're not a squid, you're a boy who smells like a baby.



- I thought you didn't hear that.



- Of course I heard it.

I'm done messing around.

I'm doing this my way.

[Sheila]

I can't believe this day got away from me.

I had fun.

Yeah, me too, but I wanted it to be about more than that.

Right.

You wanted me to learn something.

Mom, I know the past tense of stole and today I realized that air vents don't always line up with the unit below them.



- I have all the tools I need.



- Yeah.

But you also stole a motorcycle, and now you don't even want to go to college.

Why do I have to decide about college right now?

Because I need to make sure you're gonna be okay if I'm not here.

Not here?

What are you talking about?

One of my toes fell off and this eye is a bit of a jumper.

Little bugger doesn't want to stay in its socket.

What are you saying, you're dying?

[exhales]

I mean, like, really dying?

I don't know.



- Oh, my God.



- We're trying to figure it out.

Your dad is actually meeting with a guy today who might be able to help me.



- And you didn't go with him?



- No.

Because I wanted to do mother/daughter stuff.

And, yes, I'm taking that phrase back.

Is it too late to get tea?

[urinating]

Stop peeing.

[urinating continues]



- I can't.



- I said stop.



- [urine trickling]



- Oh, God.

Okay, I stopped.

What do you want?

My wife's life is in danger and yours is, too, if you don't give me that flash drive.

[urinating resumes]



- You're peeing again.



- I can't help it.

Here, just take it.

[sighs]

Finally.

Is it encrypted?



- [zips up pants]



- No.

And just so you don't get really, really mad and stalkery later, there's nothing on it.

Then where's the book?



- [groans]



- I need the g*dd*mn book.

I don't have it, I swear.

I just pretended I did.

All these people want something to believe in.

I'm just here to help them with that.

My name's not even Anton, it's Artie.



- Artie?



- Yeah, Joel?

I wasn't addressing you, I was digesting it.

Oh.

If it's all made up, why is the government after you?

They're not.

I just say that 'cause it gives me credibility.

So it's all bullshit?

You gave everyone false hope there's a cure?

A cure for what?



- You son of a bitch.



- Ow! Just get out.

[door opens]

f*ck! Now what?

[toilet flushing]

Shame about Anton.

[chuckles]

We had high hopes for him.

But when you work in the field of necrobiology you get used to a lot of dead ends.

Ooh, another mysterious and intriguing person.



- I really want to know more.



- [chuckles]

Did she throw up a red ball?

Was her transition also marked by a lack of impulse control, an unchecked libido?

We destroyed a changing table in a Target bathroom.

I think that covers both.

Who are you?

I'm no one but the woman who sends me to these things might be able to help you.

She's an ex

-CDC scientist who specializes in fringe virology.

I'll tell her to expect your call.

Dr.

Cora Wolf.



- You know, I've had a tough couple of

- This is real.

It's a good thing Eric posted about this or I would've never found you.



- Come on, we're leaving.



- Joel, wait.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have talked about Sheila online, and you were right, I was trying to impress all these people.

You've been cool your whole life but I've always been well, invisible.

So, I was wrong and it won't happen again.

I'm sorry, I was thinking about how handsome I am.

What?



- Seriously?



- Of course not.

What do you think I am?

I heard you.

But did you really think you could get away

- with stealing government documents?



- What?

I'm taking you in, Eric Bemis! [attendees murmuring]

Oh, my God, you're making me so impressive right now.

Shut up! You're under arrest for knowing more than any one man has the right to.

I won't shut up! You can put my body back in hibernation fluid but my mind will always roam free!

- Too big?



- I certainly wouldn't go any bigger.

[voices on TV, indistinct]



- [Joel]

Sheila?



- [softly]

I'm in here.

[TV clicks off]



- How'd it go with Anton?



- Total fraud.

I almost hit him, and I'm not sure I would've stopped.

[sighs]

Oh, no.

I keep telling myself I'm not that guy, but maybe I am.

Maybe we're both different people now.

So we'll be different together.

I got a card for a doctor up north.



- I know it's another long sh*t, but

- Whatever it is, I'm in.

You are?

Abby's gonna grow up to be an amazing woman, and I want to be around to see as much of that as I can.

So if there's a chance for a cure, no matter how much of a long sh*t, I wanna take it.

[sighs]

Thank God.

On the way home, I came up with this whole speech to try to talk you into it.

Yeah, it ended like that.

Hmm.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, Mr.

Hammond.

I've been expecting your call.

I see.

And how long has she been like this?

[squeaking]

Really?

Fascinating.

[instrumental theme music playing]