02x16 - Isaac's Book

[bunniefuu]

"In summary, while
this book may be about

a forgotten Founding Father,

it is a story that is
truly unforgettable."

Chills.

That was my line.

So, he negotiated the
surrender of Fort Ticonderoga?

Allowing us to keep our horses.

Which you later ate.

So thank God we had those
horses, is what I'm hearing.

TERRY: And a couple weeks
later he got dysentery and d*ed?

He just doesn't seem like

a "room where it happened" kind of guy.

Oh, but that's all you hear about.

But what about the guys
who weren't in the room

where it happened, but
were in the building?

Well...

Or, like, down the street.

That works.

TERRY: So, you're proposing a book

about a regular guy
who was near some things

and then crapped himself to death?

Too late to throw that on
his tombstone? (CHUCKLING)

Feels like you're kind of
missing some of the nuance.

The book argues that
this country was built

by regular people.

It took all kinds.

Important white guys,
mediocre white guys...

TERRY: Right.

Okay.

Well, let me discuss this
internally with my team

and we'll get back to you.

Okay. Thanks for your time.

(SIGHS) Did you all hear that?

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

An entire team is
discussing Isaac Higgintoot.

That sounds very promising!

♪ ♪

SAMANTHA: Oh, Alberta,

I got your magazine.

No pictures of Jason Momoa,

but there is a picture of The Rock

putting out his garbage cans.

Mm, if I put my thumb over his face

I can pretend.

Did you get anything
interesting to smell?

Ah, not really.

Although, look at these
melons. Beautiful, huh?

- What?
- ALBERTA: Go on.

Make a disgusting
comment about Sam's melons

- so we can all move on with our day.
- SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.

I teed myself up, didn't I?

I wasn't gonna say anything!

I appreciate that, Trevor.

Okay, I will put this in your room

and I will leave it
open to the right page.

ALBERTA: Okay, The Rock,
let's see what you got.

- What the hell was that?
- What?

You were given an opening
to say something crude

about Samantha's figure and you choked?

I mean, the possibilities
were literally endless.

"Boy, I'd like to get my
hands on those melons."

"Can I honey-dew you?"

"Let me tap on those things
to see if they're ripe."

That's just to name a few.

I just thought, you know,

- since you and I are hooking up, I...
- You thought wrong.

We must maintain appearances.

If the others notice
you acting differently,

it could arouse suspicion.

We might be found out.

So, you want me to hit on Sam?

Your great-great-great grandniece?

Precisely.

But don't be too gross about it.

- You're asking me to walk a very fine line here.
- (EXHALES)

I'm... I'm sorry. Just-just a minute.

Sam, Jay's floundering
at the front desk.

Just bear with me.

Our assistant just recently left.

When he was driven screaming
from the premises by ghosts.

(LAUGHING) We have fun.

- Sweetie, do you need a little help out here?
- Mm-hmm.

- (GASPS)
- Isabel?

Oh my God, Samantha.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Isabel and I went to
journalism school together.

A blast from the past.
This is good clean fun.

I didn't recognize your
last name on the reservation.

Ah. I got married.

- Oh.
- He's actually coming tomorrow.

I just have this big assignment

and I need some quiet time
to knock it out tonight.

I know how that is. Trust me, I get it.

But aren't you working at
this bed-and-breakfast now?

Oof, did not love the tone on that.

Yeah, Jay and I own and operate
this bed-and-breakfast, sure.

Yeah, which Sippr magazine called

"an underrated gem."

"That you should visit quick
before it goes out of business,"

I believe that was
the rest of the quote.

But I am very much still
in the journalism game.

I actually had some
pieces published recently

- in the Ulster County Review.
- (HISSES)

Wait, I think I read
about this on Facebook.

You, um, got in trouble
for making something up

about a Native American tree?

I had an unreliable source.

Kind of thought we put this to bed.

Uh, well, we're very happy
you're staying with us.

And we'll have to have
dinner while you're here.

Oh, I would love that.

If I can make some
progress on this article.

Otherwise, it is room service for me.

Which I guess you'll be bringing,

so we can say hi then.

- Fun!
- Yay.

♪ ♪

WOMAN (ON TV): There's something
you need to know, Gavin.

The baby is not yours.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

GAVIN (ON TV): Well, whose baby is it?

WOMAN: You're not gonna
believe this, but...

THORFINN: That's it?

But they did not tell
us whose baby it is.

It's called a cliff-hanger, Thor.

Why they make us wait for answer?

Would like to throw TV writer off cliff.

- (SHOUTS)
- (TV BUZZING)

- (GRUNTS, LAUGHS)
- ALBERTA: Well...

I guess we're all done watching TV now.

Fun hang, psychopath.

Thor, we need to talk.

If we're gonna date,

I think you need to work on your anger.

(CHUCKLING): I mean, I'm a hippie, man.

I need good vibes.

So, you're saying it's...

entire future of
relationship dependent on

Thor controlling anger?

I mean, that's pretty intense, but yeah.

I guess I'm saying that.

(CHUCKLES) But anger...

large part of Thor personality.

Okay, well, if it's asking too much,

- then I...
- What? No! (CHUCKLES)

Thor can change. Thor
not need to be angry.

No worries.

Where do we land on
brutal acts of v*olence?

Is this also considered part of anger?

Obviously.

(CHUCKLES) Right. Same page.

Cool.

- Here's that room service burger for Isabel.
- Oh, great.

I'll drop it off to her when
I'm finished folding the laundry,

which she brought along because
she's "so busy with work."

I hate a busy brag.

It sounds like a complaint,
but you know it's a brag.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, wonderful timing.

It's official, they're
passing on Isaac's book.

- Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
- (EXHALES)

- And poor Isaac.
- He's gonna be crushed.

This was the last publisher

that would even take a meeting about it.

How am I gonna tell him?

Just rip the Band-Aid
off. Get it over with.

Also, I read one of Isabel's articles.

- It sucked.
- SAMANTHA: Thank you, Jay.

JAY: And is it me, or is
her face kind of stupid?

SAMANTHA: Too far, but yes, kind of.

Isaac, can we talk?

I just heard back about the book.

You did? So-so quickly?

That's a good sign, right?

Oh, my God.

I'm clearly a nervous wreck right now.

(CHUCKLES) So I just need to calm down.

It's just that this
is my legacy, Samantha.

I'll either be relegated to
the trash heap of history,

or see all of my dreams come true.

So, which is it?

♪ ♪

They want to publish it!

They do? Oh, my God!

Why didn't you lead with that, woman?

- I don't know!
- NIGEL: Isaac...

- This is incredible.
- (LAUGHING)

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Isaac's book is getting published.

Seriously? It seemed like they hated it.

Well, apparently, hate it they did not.

In fact, they're making a major
investment in my life story,

to the tune of an initial print run

of one million copies.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh.

Right, Sam?

(CHUCKLING): Uh-huh.
That is what I said.

ISAAC: Now, I know some
of you are probably worried

about how this might change things.

But worry not.

You may be long forgotten by the world,

but you are now friends
with someone who isn't.

I mean, he was tough
to be around before,

but this is unbearable.

ISAAC: I can't take all the credit.

Samantha did type down
my brilliant words,

and it will be her face in
the little author's picture.

So that's cool.

You know what you should
wear in that photo?

A bikini.

Gross, Trevor.

Agreed.

But what can one expect

from an untethered bachelor,

who's just out there hitting
on anything that moves?

SASAPPIS: So this is big for you, Sam.

Your first book.

How are your friends
reacting to the news?

Oh, I-I haven't
actually told anyone yet.

ALBERTA: Sam?

You should be blasting this
all over that Facebook thing.

Yeah, that's not really my style.

SASAPPIS: You posted multiple times

about the banana bread
you made last week.

Yeah, it's just that
this feels a little braggy

to post about. (CHUCKLES)

What feels braggy to post about?

The book... of mine
that is being published.

The one about Isaac.

Remember?

- Are there ghosts in here right now?
- SAMANTHA: Yeah.

There-there certainly are.

And we're all celebrating
this big accomplishment,

about which Isaac is very excited.

As he should be!

Woo-hoo! Ha-ha! Congrats to you both.

Thank you.

Pete, just the man I am looking for.

I'm having situation
with Flower for which

you are the only answer.

Okay, once again, I'm
not gonna be your third,

even if it means just watching.

But how can I help you otherwise?

Flower not like it how
sometimes I get angry,

and I figured you could help since

you hardly ever get angry.

Well, I do have a bit of a system

honed over decades of dealing with

irate travel agency clients.

I call it my patented "Take It" method.

- Take it?
- Yeah, you know,

when someone misses their
connecting flight through Miami,

through no fault of your own,

and they want to lay
into you, you let 'em.

You just take it.

You teach me?

Well, it won't be easy,

but if you follow my lead...

You can make me doormat?

- I'll try my darndest.
- Yes!

SAMANTHA: Okay, we're
outside the ghost boundary,

so we can talk safely.

What were you thinking, Sam?

What happened to
ripping the Band-Aid off?

He just started going on
and on about his legacy,

and how much was riding on
the book getting published,

and I couldn't do it.

So, you lied to him?
He's gonna find out.

But that's the thing. Maybe he won't.

I mean, he's a ghost.

- Babe...
- At most,

we'll have to print some fake
book copies in a couple of years.

Maybe write up some bogus reviews.

Photoshop me into a book
signing at a Barnes Noble.

Do you hear the words that
are coming out of your mouth?

Can't we just let him have this?

It's victimless.

Isaac will be happy
and nobody gets hurt.

We're on a slippery slope here,

but I guess if things go south,

you're the only one
who's gonna hear about it.

Thank you.

Well, now that we're out of the house,

I could really go for
a half-caff frappé.

Want to hit Starbucks?

Oh, yeah, no, that Starbucks
is actually built on the site

of a former hospital for
the criminally insane.

I can't go anywhere near
it. It's a hellscape.

Daisy's Coffee it is.

- Flower, thank you for joining us.
- Happy to be here.

So, what are we doing?

Well, I've been working with
Thor to help him manage his anger.

And now it's time to
put that to the test,

with a couple of ghosts who
know exactly what buttons to push

to make Thor angry.

This seems dangerous.

No, Flower, it's okay.

Thor learned from expert
Pete how to "Take It."

Sass, you're up first.

Hey, buddy, how's it going?

You know, I was just thinking about how,

in the latest episode

of It's Getting Hot In
Here, Kevin B. got it on

with Heidi in the heat suite.

(CHUCKLING): That was crazy, right?

You... (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

watched latest episode without Thor?

Oh, right, I was supposed to
watch that with you, wasn't I?

You got this, big guy. Take it.

Thor just...

happy for Sass enjoying show. (CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

Let's talk about cod.

Oh, boy.

It's a very bland fish.

Probably the worst of all the fish.

That is... perfectly reasonable opinion.

And what's the deal with them
little girl braids in your beard?

Did your friends do that
for you at a sleepover?

Each braid represent...

brother I lose in battle.

Well, they look stupid.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Hmm.

Well. (CHUCKLES) There you have it.

Where once stood a man who
would lash out in anger,

- now stands a proud man who sits there and takes it.
- Hmm.

Wow.

SOREN (DANISH ACCENT): Hello?

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Is anyone here?
- Who is this?

- Fun accent.
- JAY: Hi.

Can I help you?

Yes, I am Soren, husband of Isabel.

Very happy to be here
in your beautiful home.

Oh, thank you. I'm Jay.

I'm one of the proprietors.
Soren, where are you from?

Oh, well, we live in New York,
but originally from Copenhagen.

- Copenhagen.
- You're Danish. That's cool.

(GROWLS, CHUCKLES)

Well, here. Let me take that.

Let me show you to your room.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

Just to be clear, there's now a giant

Danish guy spending the night?

Oh, this should be interesting.

The ultimate challenge.

ISABEL: Well, I think
you got out of journalism

at such a great time, Sam.

It's so much about clicks
and views these days.

And who's been nominated for a Peabody,

which I was fortunate enough
to be two years ago, so...

Yeah, that sounds like
a... ooh... a nightmare.

ISABEL: Yeah, it's tough, tough to...

manage the pressure to stay on top.

You know who likes to be on top?

This guy.

- Of Samantha that is.
- What is wrong with you?

- Soren, tell me about Denmark.
- SOREN: Oh.

Denmark is beautiful.

- I've never been. We went to Norway once.
- Mm-hmm.

Thor from Norway.

Mm, Norway sucks.

Yeah, if you've seen one
fjord you've seen them all.

We Danes like to say, "Drop the R.

- It's not Norway, it's no way."
- (ISABEL CHUCKLES)

Easy, big fella.

Yeah, the Danes are better
than the Norse in every way.

Well...

Norway does excel at one thing though...

losing to Denmark!

You shut up. You shut your mouth!

If I was alive, I'd cut your
head off and drink your blood!

(LAUGHS)

Damn it.

- Oh.
- ISABEL: Oh, my God, Sam,

you're having a book published?

What's that?

ISABEL: You posted on Facebook.

That's incredible.

- Surprise!
- (GIGGLES)

We knew you were too
proud to brag on yourself,

so we had Trev go on your
computer and do it for you.

The Other Founding Father:
The Isaac Higgintoot Story.

I've never heard of him.

That's a problem the next generation of

American school children
won't suffer from.

Why didn't you tell me you
were having a book published?

I-I just didn't want to make
a big deal about it. (CHUCKLES)

Other than posting it, uh,
publicly, on social media.

JAY: Sam, this has gone too far.

Again, I didn't post it. The ghosts did.

Which, yes, is a complication.

But it's also kind of nice.

They thought I was being too
modest about my accomplishment.

What accomplishment?!

I just meant as far as they know, Jay.

Look, I obviously

- don't want this...
- (PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, that's so sweet!

What?

My cousin Tina congratulated
me on the book sale.

She's had a really hard year,

so for her to reach
out about my success,

- I mean, it means a lot.
- Oh, my God.

You're enjoying this.

No, no. No, this is about Isaac,

and about making sure that
his feelings don't get hurt.

- Uh-huh...
- As little as I want to do it,

- we have to just stick to this lie.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

Aw, Mrs. Neugebauer just commented.

My high school English teacher. (GASPS)

She was the one who told
me that I had a gift.

So this must be, like,
pretty validating for her.

(GROANS) This is bad.

Hoo-hoo, this is real bad.

"This is all thanks to you, Mrs. N."

It's okay, buddy. Rome
wasn't built in a day.

You know, it took me years to
completely lose my backbone.

You'll get there.

Hey, Thor, can we talk?

(SIGHS)

Thor understand if Flower
no longer wants to date.

Thor thought he could control his anger,

but ultimate test of
Dane in house proved

too much to overcome.

Yeah, about that... I think
you should just be yourself.

It wasn't fair of me to ask
you to change who you are.

Really?

Maybe two people shouldn't
be exactly the same.

Maybe it's good that we're opposites.

Also, watching you sit
there and act like Pete,

was a real turn-off.

Okay, not too long ago,

you two were begging
me to be your third.

And when you got angry at that Dane...

I kind of liked it.

So... (EXHALES)

you no longer want Thor to be like Pete?

I really, really, really don't.

I should be mad, but
I'm gonna "Take It."

I mean, I've never even
had a book published.

Well, keep banging away,

and one day it could happen to you, too.

Wow, the tables have turned.

She is so jealous of you, Sam.

Oh, that is our lot in life.

To be admired is to be envied.

You know, I had a book
written about me, too.

SASAPPIS: Really?

We're bragging about Creepy Todd's

- self-published book now?
- Still a book.

Still published. I'm grasping, Sass!

So, who is the publisher, Sam?

Oh, the publisher?

It's Gold Diamond Press.

(CHUCKLING): How could you forget

the good people who have
made our dreams come true?

- Uh, Gold Diamond Press.
- ISABEL: Seriously?

We just went to Terry
Stoddard's wedding.

You must know him.

(QUIETLY): Oh, God. Terry...

- ISABEL: Mm-hmm.
- Terry...

That was the man we pitched
to. Surely you recall.

I'm gonna text him. What
a small world. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, no, they're actually trying
to keep this project under wraps.

But you just posted
about it on the Facebook.

You know what? I'm
gonna call him, actually.

Uh, at this hour?

It's : in the afternoon.

Yes, exactly.

The man has just had lunch, and
he's got those enzymes going.

You're not gonna get the
best Terry if you call now.

And I don't want anybody
to make a fuss over me.

They only do like three books a year.

They should make a fuss. Trust me.

He'll be thrilled to hear from us.

What the hell, Jay?

Don't we all spend too
much time on our phones?

(CHUCKLING): I mean,
can't we just be present?

Okay, what's going on?

They're not publishing the book.

- What?!
- What?

I made it up.

No one bought the book.
It's not happening.

- Why did you post about it then?
- ISAAC: Yes.

Samantha, care to explain yourself?

I messed up. I'm sorry.

I... (CLEARS THROAT)

... can't believe this.

Isaac, wait!

For another day till your story is told,

- because I am not giving up!
- Good save, Sam.

Totally agree with you on
the phone thing, by the way.

I'm always telling her that.

Can we talk?

- I want to explain.
- Hard to believe

there's an explanation
for that level of betrayal.

At first, I lied because
I felt bad for you.

You just seemed like
you really needed the win

to feel important or something.

And then, later, as I kept
up the lie with Isabel,

I realized that I needed the same thing.

You needed to feel... important?

Yes.

I mean, I'm very happy with my life,

but some people just
bring out the worst in you.

And I didn't want to let her win.

♪ ♪

You know, Samantha, I'm not
sure if you're aware of this,

but I have a bit of a chip
on my shoulder about Hamilton.

I did sense something.

Now, I know what you're going to say.

"You're both equally accomplished.

Neither of you is necessarily winning."

But he does get a lot of acclaim.

My point is,

is that it seems
Isabel is your Hamilton.

And while that doesn't
excuse your actions...

(SIGHS DEEPLY) I do understand.

Isaac, you don't need to
have a book written about you

to be a significant person.

You fought in the Revolutionary w*r.

You invented the sn*per r*fle.

And k*lled a British officer
with it from a hundred paces.

And then you got that guy
to date you after that.

- That is pretty impressive.
- And more importantly,

you're a good person and a good friend,

and everyone in this house knows that.

So, who cares if
history knows your name?

Because the people who
matter know who you are.

Yes! And we know who you are, Samantha.

You don't need your
name on a book jacket

to prove anything to anyone.

(CHUCKLES) You know what? You're right.

I-I did lose sight of that today,

but I will not forget that lesson.

We do not need external validation

- to pump ourselves up.
- Exactly.

Because we are enough.

- Mm-hmm.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

♪ ♪

- (GASPS) It's the publisher.
- What?

They now actually do
want to buy the book.

- Really?
- Yes!

They-they saw the post
on Facebook and they think

someone else wants the
book and now they want it.

(GASPS) Sweet, sweet
external validation.

- We're somebody again!
- (GASPS)

I'm gonna post it on Instagram

and then "accidentally"
tag Isabel. (CHUCKLES)

ISAAC: I'm going to live forever.

But in a fun way now!

You did well today.

I think you've redeemed
yourself as a well-known pervert.

Thank you. That's very
nice of you to say.

Look, I know this is all a little crazy,

but you must trust me
when I say it's best

for both of us that
this remain clandestine.

You're right. You and me?

People would go nuts.

So... we are in agreement.

No one can ever find out.

- If that makes it hotter for you...
- (MOANS SOFTLY)

- (GASPS) Oh!
- ... I'm on board.

And this completes your
tour of the basement...

Oh, my God!

It's not what you think.

Quick. Say something
sexual about Samantha.