02x04 - Static Shaq

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Static shock ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Static shock,
static shock ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Static shock...shock ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Static static ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

Is the network completely mad
making us rehearse?

We only know chords.

[Sniffs]

Are they both in there?

Yeah. [Sniffs]

And one of them
smells funky.

Kangor.

[Jamaican accent]
no problem, man.

♪ Diddly, diddly,
diddly bop ♪

Knock knock.
It's the rough pack.

[Gasps]

Hey, rock 'n' rollers,

I'll be taking
your diamond guitars.

You got a problem
with that?

Looks clear, hyde.

Good. We don't wanna be running
into you-know-who again.

Now, who could
he be talking about?

[Pager goes off]

Uh-oh.

Hey, up there.

Bad timing, pops.

Missed me.

Hey, watch the gear.

They'll be stuck
for a while.

I magnetized the doors.

Sorry I can't stay,
but I got a across town.

See ya.

Every time we make a move,
he's always there.

Chill, hyde.

We're out of here, mon.

Sharon, pops call you, too?
What's going on?

Relax, baby brother.

Dad just wants us to meet
an old friend of his,

That's all.

That's all? I get an urgent
page for that?

Who is it
this
time,
another marine buddy?

I'll just bet this dude
puts the "b" in boring.

Uh, I don't think so,
virgil.

Kids, I'd like you to meet
an old friend of mine.

Shaquille o'neal.

Huh?

Hah hah hah.
Good to meet you, mr. O'neal.

I'm sharon.

Good to meet you, too.
And it's shaq.

What's up, little man?
You must be--

Shaq.

No, I'm shaq.

You gotta be virgil.
Heard a lot about you.

Uh...
[Stammers]

This is shaq!
How do you--

[Stammers]
you?

I met shaq at a basketball
camp a while back

When he was
just about your age.

Yeah, mr. H.
Was our counselor.

Used to call him
"the big man."

We been tight
ever since.

Shaquille's in town
on a publicity junket
for the weekend.

But he's volunteered
to do a basketball mini-camp
while he's here.

It's gonna be
a big surprise
for the kids.

Cool.

So, virgil, your dad says
you got a nice handle.

Hah! The only handle
virgil's got is attached
to the refrigerator.

Zip it, she-who-dribbles-
without-a-ball.

Got some time
for a little horse?

Me hoopin' it up
with you? Bad.

No, no. That conflicts
with his
good day, dakota
appearance.

No. Then he has that
radio interview.

Oh, light bulb.

We can squeeze you in-between
the mall opening

And the mayor's fund-raiser.
Say around : ?

That's what I'm here for.
Kiss kiss.

Well, intro time.

Tracy flackman,

Mr. O'neal's east coast
public relations liaison.

And you must be
mr. Hawking.

Hawkins.
[Beeping]

Yes, of course.

Oopsie. Tracy.

Jared, darling, where
have you been hiding?

I've been trying to
reach you all morning.

She's a little high-strung.

No, you're not
interrupting anything.

We'll be there
in minutes. Ciao.

Guess what. They've rescheduled
the photo sh**t at the marina.

The whales are available
after all.

But shaq and I were
gonna sh**t some hoops.

I know. Shall we?

Sorry, virgil.

I'm gonna have to
rain check our game.

Yeah, sure.

But, hey, I've kept
tonight free

For a quiet dinner
with friends.

How does that sound?

Chowing down with the diesel?

Phattest of the phat.

Good. Dinner's
at my hotel. : .

Catch ya tonight.

Man, my dinner with shaq.

Is it too late to have
sharon disowned?

Hey!
Ow!

Dad...

You do the crime,
you do the time.

[Yelp]

Ahh, the sweet smell
of freedom.

[Sniff] and
chili cheese fries.

Burger fool
straight ahead.

Aah!

Eat on your own time,
ferret.

But, hyde, I'm starving.

Listen, rodent,
the only thing on our
to-do list is static.

Aah!

Sick and tired of this.

He's always getting
the drop on us.

But this time,
we're gonna track him down.

And then we'll have
superhero for supper.

Take a whiff.

That way.

Let's hit it.

[Sniffing]

I still can't believe it.
Face time with shaq daddy.

The diesel.

Thanks for the hook-up,
mr. H.

Yeah, pops,
thanks a lot.

I know that you and virgil
are both big fans.

I'm sure there's enough
shaq to go around.

Heh heh. I wonder how
he'll sign my poster.

"To richie, from shaq."
That's weak.

Nah. "From one superstar
to another.

One love, the diesel."
Oh, yeah, I'm feeling that.

He's got on a lot
of aftershave,

But he's in there
all right.

Hold on.

We'll go in the side door.

Excuse me. We're here
for the o'neal dinner.

Right this way.

Huh?

A quiet dinner, huh?

Hey, guys.

Hey, shaq.

I'm sorry this turned into
such a big blowout.

What can I tell you?
Tracy strikes again.

Do I know you?

Uh, I was--
[stammers]

So tall.

His name's richie.

He's attached to us,
like fungus.

Nice to meet you, rich.

Listen, I just got this
new basketball video game
in my suite.

Wanna check it out?

Yeah.
Yeah.

If we could just
sneak out of here.

Tracy:
oh, shaquille...

Remember,
we're mingling.
But--

I've got the president
of the local ladies'
auxiliary waiting.

Over here.

So close.

♪ I'll be over
any day or night ♪

You sure he's in there?

Aw, yeah. The place
reeks of static.

Then put this on and find him.

Why do I have to do
all the hard stuff?

Grrr...

Oh, that's right.

Shaquille has made
this event a big success,
I'm telling you.

[Cracks]

This party's about to blow up.

I get that all the time.

De-stress, v.

Might as well
get our grubs on
while we wait for shaq.

Oh, no, it's ferret face.

Yo, v, what's ferret
doing here?

I got a bad feeling
about this.

Static, gotcha!

Aah!

[Bowl breaks]

What's going on?

Hyde, kangor.

I had him, hyde,
I had him.

Excuse me, but this happens
to be a private party. Aah!

Where's static?

I thought I had him.
I mean, he was right there.

Grrr...

Virgil.
Richie.

Hurry.

Got 'em, mr. H.

That way.

Nice sh*t.

♪ There's no way out,
there's no doubt ♪

♪ There's now way out,
you shoulda ran ♪

♪ There's no way out,
there's no doubt ♪

♪ Trouble up ahead,
there's no way out ♪

♪ There's no way out,
there's no doubt ♪

Uh-oh.

♪ There's no doubt,
there's no way out ♪

You're not leaving
till I say so.

We're going up again.

Aah!

[Strains]

Hey, driver, let's go.

♪ There's no doubt,
trouble up ahead ♪

♪ There's no way out ♪

♪ There's no doubt,
there's trouble up ahead ♪

Man, what was
that about?

Welcome to dakota.

It's believed that
the metahumans crashed
mr. O'neal's party

In an attempt to rob
his high-profile guests.

Though his cohorts
managed to escape,

Rough pack member ferret
was taken into custody.

Hey, that's the dude
who sniffed on me.

He wasn't robbing the place.

Um, maybe he had
a bad head cold.

Nah. It was more like he was
hunting somebody down.

Dude was on a serious
search mission.

[Rings]

Hello. Yes, tracy.
No, tracy.

I've had my fill of
parazzi for one night.

But, shaquille, the media
are clamoring to hear

How you single-handedly captured
that icky ferret person.

Gee, I wonder
who told them that.

Now don't be a cranky pants.

I bet an interview
will make you feel better.

How fast can you get here?

Hello? [Imitates static]

Hello? [Imitates static]

T--what? [Imitates static]

I think we got
a bad connection.

[Imitates static]
I'll call you tomorrow.

Wait. Where are you?
Oh, jinkies.

Freedom...that is,

If you don't mind me
staying here tonight.

Are you kidding?

The night's
still young, shaq.

Oh, yeah. Up for
a little -on- ?

Midnight
is not young.

You can play in the morning
if shaq has time.

Otherwise, we're
all going to bed.

Aw...

And you're going home
in the limo.

Aw...

[Snores]

Oh...is that
a dreamy kreme donut

With cherry frosting?

You'll have plenty to eat
when we reach the state pen.

[Man scatting]

Look out!

[Guards screaming]

Unh. [Gasps]

Thanks, fellas.

Who's up for a donut run?

Aah!

♪ ...worldwide ♪

♪ All-purpose rule,
drop to the floor ♪

♪ Bow to the new king,
kiss the pinkie ring ♪

♪ Look me in the eyes... ♪

Shaq?

♪ Inside the ring supreme ♪

Aah!

Shaq!

Shaq.

Shaq.

[Pouring coffee]

You're still here.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Can't pass up
homemade pancakes.

At least someone
appreciates my cooking.

Yeah? Well, look at
the size of him.

He'd eat the toaster
if you put some salt on it.

So, virg, we got an hour

Before I gotta
be at the center.

Still wanna play some ball?

[Slurps]

Can mariah sing?

[Doorbell rings]

[Ding dong,
ding dong]

She's baaa-aaack.

Is there another way
out of here?

Don't see any
press people. Come on.

Safe at last.

Sometimes you feel like
you're being hunted, you know?

Wow. Did I just get a whiff.

Come on. Let's find him
and finish him.

I feel bad about
leaving sharon

To deal with tracy
like that.

Don't even stress, diesel.

They're probably trying
to outtalk each other right now.

♪ End zone, end zone,
everybody ♪

At last.

What is this place?

The old community center.
It's deserted.

They mostly use it
for storage.

I figured no one's around,
so we'll have some--

Whoo-whoo!

Privacy.

Look at you.

Someone's drinking his milk.

Morning, ma'am.

[Panting] hey, shaq,

Heck of a game last week.

Thanks.

[Honk honk] yo, shaq!

Yo.

Man, where do they
come from?

Seems like everyone's
after you - .

How can you stand it?

It's like I have to be
people, you know.

First, there's
shaq the superstar.

Then it's fans on my left,
press on my right,

The coach, the agent.

Oops, another fan.

Just when things
get a little too hectic,

I break out, find some daylight,
and turn back into shaquille.

Just your regular -foot guy.

You see, the trick
is balancing the lives.

I love being shaq.

But if I don't take time off
for shaquille,

It's not worth it.
Know what I mean?

Yeah, I got you.

Shaq time again!

♪ Bouncing, bouncing, bouncing,
put it on the line ♪

Let's see you d-up on this.

No chance.

I call that my v-spin.

Hmm, you ready to start
playing, mr. Spin?

Gee, I thought
we already were.

♪ Everybody, everybody,
put it on the line ♪

On second thought,
it's getting kinda
late, shaq.

Maybe we should go
meet my pops like now.

You sure? 'Cause my watch--

Stopped. Let's run.

He's really close, hyde.

It's those freaks
from the hotel.

Uh, running might
be good after all.

This way.

I locked it. You stay here,
and I'll lead 'em away.

Wait a second.

That ferret guy was sniffing
you out last night, wasn't he?

Why?

It's a long story,
very long.

[Thud]

He's locked in, hyde.

You hear that, static?
We're gonna pull your plug.

Static?

Remember what you said
about living a double life?

Let's just say
I can really relate.

I see.

Well, we'll just keep that
on the down-low.

Right now, I think you
should get some help

While I try
to hold them off.

I'll do that.

Where's static?

I think he got bored
and went home.

I'm getting bored, too.

Keeping secrets, huh?

Ferret, chew it
out of him.

[Stammers] but that's
shaq.

Grrr...

Right. Aah!

I've got one word for you--
mouthwash.

Yeow!

Gotta be careful with
those machines. Ooh!

[Crash]

Unh...

You ok?

Yeah. They knocked me
out of bounds.

Got you now, tough guy.

Static shock!

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

Time out.

Static shock!

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

Static shock! Shock!

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

Static, static!

Way to play d, big man.

Now I get a free-throw,
leather face.

♪ Gotta be,
gotta be superhero ♪

♪ Gotta be, gotta be ♪

He stops, he pops...

Static shock!

He hits.

Looks like we got in
a game after all.

[Grunts]

How's the weather up there?

I always wanted to say that.

And I want to especially thank
mr. H for having me here today.

Ahem.

Unfortunately,
I have a plane to catch,

But I take some great
memories with me.

Mixing it up with static,
hanging with the hawkins.

But the best memory is this
fast game of hoops I had

With some dude called mr. Spin.

Now, he's a real player.

Wow.

♪ Oh ♪