01x12 - The Once and Future Thing, Part One: Weird Western Tales

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: David? David!

Are you hiding in
the garage again?

Look at this mess.

Come on out, David.

I know you're here.

Oh. Hello, dear.

I was just cataloging
some of my collection.

Collection? Pft. Bunch of junk.

It's not junk.

This comb belonged to Cleopatra.

And this... This is an actual
early draft of the Magna Carta.

And this...

Right. Like you could
afford these things

on a physics professor's salary.

We can't even afford
the new car I want.

I-I didn't buy them, Enid.

I sort of took them.

You robbed a museum?

Is that why you're
wearing that goofy cat suit?

Well, sort of. Not exactly.

Remember last summer
when I didn't get tenure?

Yeah. They thought
you were crazy

because you kept insisting
you were on the verge

of discovering... time travel.

It's my chrono-suit. I've
had it working for months.

I've been using it to gather
treasures for my collection.

And you said I was a loser.

Let me get this straight:

you've got a suit that
lets you travel in time,

and you've been using
it to steal historical trash?

You stupid little man! Ah!

You could go back and
steal gold and jewels.

You could get stock
information from the future.

We could be rich.

No. We can't use the suit

to do anything that
could change history.

I'm careful to only take
things that wouldn't be missed.

Like your spine?

Enid, please. Don't
talk to me like that.

I love...

Mother was right. I should've
married Jim Dorman.

He's a very successful
lawyer, and you are a loser.

Always were,
always will be. But...

You worthless, good-for-nothing,

wretched waste of space!

You invent a time machine

and can't think of anything
useful to do with it?

I can think of one thing.

I can use it to get
away from you!

By all means, you first.

Diana's carrying a grudge.

She'll get over it.

How 'bout you.
Carrying anything?

What, Shayera? We're cool.

We're giving each
other our space.

I'm seeing Vixen now.

I'm very happy.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, why are we always
talking about my love life?

What's going on
between you and Diana?

Nothing.

She's a respected colleague.

Uh-huh.

I don't have time to
pursue a relationship.

My work is too important
to allow any distractions.

Diana's a remarkable
woman. She's a valued friend.

She's...

Standing right
behind me, isn't she?

Don't let that stop you.

Keep digging.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Intruder alert. Dormitory, Deck A.

Intruder alert.
Dormitory, deck A.

[GRUNTING]

[BEEPS]

Aah!

Who are you? How did
you get in the watchtower?

You weren't supposed see me.

Stay away!

No one's supposed
to know I was here.

[GRUNTING]

Everybody okay?

Where are we?

[g*ns COCKING]

"Where"?

I think the question is "when"?

[♪♪♪]

I have to confess.

You're about the most
colorfully attired individuals

I've ever bushwhacked.

You circus folk?

Not exactly.

I don't care what you are,
long as you pay the toll.

Toll?

Welcome to Elkhorn,
Oklahoma, ma'am.

This here is Tobias
Manning territory.

You want tribute? Money?

Well, I ain't particular.

That fat gold chain
will do just fine,

unless you got somethin'
else you want to give...

[SCREAMS]

[g*nshots]

Those are the biggest,
slowest b*ll*ts I've ever seen.

You're letting them go?

Hm?

Oh, no.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

I was afraid of this.

The Elkhorn Gazette.

It's either an amazing forgery,
or it's less than a month old.

So?

Look at the date.

June, 1879.

I have mentioned how
much I hate time travel.

If we don't find our sneak
thief, we're stuck here.

Let's head for the nearest
town. See if we can find him.

We can't go anywhere
dressed like this.

No,

we can't.

These shoes are k*lling me.

You fight crime
wearing high heels.

High heels that fit.

Aren't you going to
put those on, John?

[SNIFFING]

Has the shower
been invented yet?

Somebody should tell this guy.

[CLICKING]

Those empty holsters
aren't going to scare anybody.

You sure you don't
want one of these?

Positive. Let's ride. [WHINNIES]

[♪♪♪]

Hyah!

[PIANO PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC]

I'm out.

What's it gonna be, Earl?

I'm studying it, Tobias.

[MAN COUGHING]

My pappy always said,

"Faint of heart
never filled a flush."

It ain't your pappy's money.

Fold.

That leaves you and me.

What are you holding, Mr. Lash?

It'll cost you another
$500 to find out.

Call.

Four kings and an ace.

Well, now, that's
a mite perplexing,

seeing as I got
four aces and a king.

Well, I've got the g*n.

Lot of that going around lately.

Seems like a waste
of a good-sized pot.

How 'bout we split it
and both walk away?

How 'bout I keep it all?

Sounds fair the
way you explain it.

That technology's
from the future.

Wait. We don't know
how things work here yet.

Hang him at dawn.

Don't I get a trial?

Sure.

You're guilty.

My town, my rules.

Wait a minute. Can't
we talk about this?

How 'bout another
hand? Double or nothin'!

I think we know how
things work here now.

We have to help that man.

That's not what we're here for.

Someone's
tampering with history.

The stakes are much bigger
than the life of one card shark.

Then it's settled.

We'll break him
out after sundown.

[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]

[GRUNTING]

That's not going
to work. I tried it.

Yeah, those bars
are cheap pig iron,

but they're plenty
strong enough to hold.

At least until morning
when they come to hang you.

Do you mind? I'm trying to
plan an escape over here.

How's it going so far?

I'm working on it.

Quiet down in there!

That's just what
I was telling him.

EERIE VOICE: Ooh!

Ooh!

[SCREAMS]

Ooh.

[NORMAL VOICE] Ooh.

I'll get the door.

Or that.

I'd get out of
town if I were you.

I'd like to, but my
pappy always said,

"A man who sticks
his head in the sand

makes a pretty good target."

I got business to
conclude before I leave.

Bartholomew Aloysius Lash.
Friends call me Bat. Bat Lash.

I'm John. These
are my friends Diana

and, uh... Bruce.

We're the lawmen,

looking to bring a
criminal to justice.

You may have seen him.
He's got amazing machines.

We think the man who put
you in here works for him.

PRISONER: Not
quite, Wonder Woman.

How do you know who I am?

Because he's the
man we're looking for.

David Clinton, inventor
of the chrono-suit,

at your disposal.

You tried to steal
Batman's utility belt.

And you chased me,

but time tunnels are
somewhat counter-intuitive.

Even though you were
only seconds behind me,

I arrived here nearly six
months before you did.

Where's your time travel device?

Now, that's a story.

As soon as I got
here, I was robbed.

By Tobias Manning.

Yes, ma'am.

He took my suit and used
it to take over this town.

He keeps taking
trips to the future

and coming back
with stolen technology.

He keeps me here to teach
him how to use the stuff

that he can't work
out for himself.

Which, I'd suspect,
is most of it,

what with him being
so mule-stupid and all.

It's been horrible
here. Humiliating.

I just want to go home.

I'll gladly take my punishment
if you help me get back.

How did Tobias take over a
whole town with a time machine?

Future tech, like his
extra-dimensional six-g*n.

And his surveillance cameras.

We need to go. Now.

You're with us.

That's a healthy gal.

[g*nshots]

I've got their positions.

I'm gonna take 'em down.

Don't hurt anyone. We could
accidentally change history.

Little late for that,
don't you think?

Oh.

Go ahead.

Give me an excuse.

Something's happening out there.

[♪♪♪]

[LASSO WHIPPING]

Something's
happening, all right.

The cavalry's arrived.

[SCREAMING]

Who are you people?

Sheriff Ohiyesa Smith.

El Diablo, ever at
the service of justice.

Jonah Hex. Don't have
a lot of time for jawing.

In these parts, there's
an abundance of bad men

who need setting straight.

If you all are
working for Tobias,

there's gonna be difficulty.

Easy, Jonah. They're with me.

They helped me out of a
spot while I was here incognito,

trying to find out
more about Tobias.

What have you learned?

Among other moral failings,
the man cheats at poker.

Heh, I could've told you that.

[SNORTS]

Why don't you start
from the beginning?

I've lived in Elkhorn
since the w*r

and sheriffed most of that time.

This here's a mining
town, booming too.

Folks sometimes get a mite
rowdy on payday, but still,

it's a good place to live.

[GRUNTING]

There's never been any
mischief here I couldn't handle

until about six months ago.

Tobias Manning's
always been trouble.

I've run him out of town before.

[WHINNYING]

Well, he came back,
except this time he had...

I don't know, magic powers.

EL DIABLO: There's no
such thing as magic, my friend.

It was some sort of trickery.

OHIYESA: Well, he
tricked me near to death.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

He whipped me good.

Ran me out of
town like a stray dog.

He took over the town.

Runs it like his own
personal kingdom.

Treats the town
people like slaves.

That's unacceptable to me.

The sheriff went looking for men

who would help take
Tobias down. He found us.

What's your stake in this?

We're lawmen too.

From back east?

Sure.

We came here to
bring this man to justice.

Indirectly, he's the
source of your trouble too.

Tobias stole a w*apon from him.

It's the source of his magic.

We'll need to take
that w*apon back.

Since we all want pretty
much the same thing,

we should work together.

I ain't about to turn down help.

What's the plan?

Plan? Heh. We put
him in the ground.

[♪♪♪]

Fancy g*n belt you got there.

I'm thinking you folks
are time travelers.

Where would you get
a crazy idea like that?

Experience. I've
had an interesting life.

We're getting close.

I want to warn you,

there's some downright
unusual activity

going on hereabouts.
Don't let it throw you.

Don't worry about it.

We've got a lot of
experience with unusual...

[PTERODACTYL SCREECHING]

I'm sorry. You were saying?

We've been sighted.
They'll be ready for us.

I sincerely doubt that.

[SCREECHING]

[FLY BUZZING]

[g*nshots]

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

The sh*ts are
spooking the horses.

The sh*ts are spookin' me!

[WHINNIES]

[ROARS]

Hyah! [WHINNIES]

[SCREAMS]

[RUMBLING]

Hey, tinhorn!

[COCKS]

Tobias!

If it isn't Pow Wow Smith.

Wasn't expecting to
see your sorry hide again.

I've told you before
about calling me that.

It ain't gonna happen again.

No. I expect this
is the last time.

Go for your g*n, chief, so
I can ventilate you proper.

Six g*ns. Six of us.

Nobody miss.

My g*ns!

You and me, partner.

Right now.

Another day, lawman.

Nova!

[WHINNIES]

Let him.

Man needs to balance
his own accounts.

[WHINNIES]

Have it your way.
Let's finish this.

This what you're looking for?

Near as my ring can figure,

that's everything
that shouldn't be here.

sh**t. I wanted me one
of them fancy ray g*ns.

Ain't dependable. They jam.

Oh, you forgot to
reset the compensator.

Here. Let me.

[GRUNTS]

Or maybe I'm lying.

[LAUGHS]

Huh.

MAN: We've been expecting you.

But I bet you
weren't expecting us.

Static? What's going on?

Dad?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]