02x02 - The Ties That Bind

[bunniefuu]

What are you, the world's
greatest escape artist

or the world's greatest idiot?

For cryin' out loud, Scott,

not even you can
get out of this trap.

That's what I like
about you, Oberon.

Your incurable optimism.

Stop distracting him
and get the canister.

I hate to admit this,
but Oberon has a point.

Don't worry, darling,

they don't call me
Mr. Miracle for nothing.

First rule of show business:

never believe
your own publicity.

Craziest stunt you ever pulled.

That's why we're rehearsing it.

Kid's got an answer
for everything.

Let's hope the train's
running late today.

Leave it to Scott Free to
find the newest wrinkles.

He's sure given me a few.

Scott?

Scott!

O, ye of little faith.

Scott, I thought you were dead.

You insufferable showboat.

I thought you were dead.

When are you and
Oberon gonna learn that...

Hey, where is Oberon?

Don't worry, dumpling,

he's safe and sound

in Granny's loving care.

Of course, if you ever want
to see the old runt alive again,

you'll do exactly
as Granny says.

Granny Goodness.

I'll k*ll you, you
demented old gargoyle!

Barda, I'm not gonna let your
temper cost us Oberon's life.

I knew you wouldn't let her
hurt your old granny, Scott.

What do you want?

Life on Apokolips has
become very difficult

since great Darkseid vanished.

Dear Granny has tried her
best to bring order to our world.

You mean, you've
been trying to take over.

But there are others
who seek to thwart

Granny's good intentions.

Verman Vundabar.

That awful, awful man.

You know that he's actually
imprisoned Darkseid's son,

poor dimwitted Kalibak,

in hopes of legitimizing
his claim to the throne?

Why, he's probably brainwashing
the poor creature right now.

Bending him to his will.

Like you're not
planning the same thing.

What do you want?

Oh, it's nothing, really.

Granny just needs you
to break into the place

where Kalibak is being held,

and then bring him to
Granny's orphanage,

where he can get proper care.

If we do that, we'll be handing
you control of Apokolips.

Exactly.

But if you find that
prospect distasteful,

wait till you see what
Oberon looks like

when I send him back to you,

piece by piece.

Where is Kalibak?

On Apokolips, of course.

In the X Pit.

Why, you're not afraid

of the pit,

are you, Scott?

No, I'm not afraid.

Can it hurt them to show
me just a little respect?

Tell me about it. I've been
at this longer than you have,

they still treat me
like comic relief.

Better than being treated
like a teenage sidekick.

I mean, I was one
of the original seven.

Tell me the truth, Ralph.
Do I seem immature to you?

Not in the least.

Aah! I bopped your block off!

Tha... That's not fair. The
green guy's arms are longer.

Are not. Hey,

isn't that Mr. Miracle
and what's her name?

Big Bertha?

I didn't even know
they were in the league.

But there's so many
of us now, it's hard to...

No, they're not in the league.

I'm sure of it.

And this Granny Goodness
picked you because...

I'm the only one who
ever escaped the X Pit.

Yeah, but what's...?
Please, Flash.

And if you refuse her request?

Oberon dies.

Down, dear.

We've only got 24
hours, and we need help.

Well, I'd be happy
to... Super fast,

invulnerable help.

Superman's on a
mission in deep space.

But even if he weren't,

it makes no sense for the league

to help another dictator
come to power on Apokolips.

A dictator who could
eventually thr*aten Earth,

just as Darkseid did.

Better to let them
fight among themselves

than att*ck the
rest of the universe.

Why, you green-skinned,

beetle-browed,
arrogant, son of a...

What Barda means is,

what about Oberon?

He's been like a
second father to me.

I'm truly sorry.

I thought we were all
about helping people.

And would you have
us help three people

at the expense of billions more?

Well, no, but...
You need to look

at the big picture, Wally.

Well, excuse me for
opening my big, dumb mouth.

We don't need these cowards.

We can do it on our own.

Great news, Bertha,

you don't have to.

Barda.

Isn't that what I said?

And we don't require
your assistance.

We appreciate the
offer, Flash, but...

Unless you've got
an S on your chest,

you're useless.

Hey, I may not be as
strong as Superman,

but I'm just as fast.

Maybe faster.

Friends?

Maybe we can use you.

Kalibak, Kalibak, Kalibak.

I have used every
vile punishment,

every known t*rture,

and still you refuse to join
Verman Vundabar's noble cause.

You're about as
noble as my armpit.

Very well.

You've forced me
to my last resort.

Cake.

Mm.

Oh, did I say that
was my last resort?

My mistake. I have one more.

Enjoying Granny's hospitality?

Oh, blow it out your shorts,
you goose-steppin' harpy.

I would speak to Granny
with just a tad more respect.

Because soon I will be ruler

of all Apokolips.

You always been this deluded,

or is it just since
senility set in?

Oh, you wound Granny.

But not as deeply as
Granny is going to wound you.

Should've brought my sunscreen.

Over there.

That's where the X Pit is housed

and Kalibak with it.

Not that I mind the exercise,

but couldn't your boob tube
have transported us any closer?

It's "boom tube."

And don't you think we
would have come in closer

if we could have?

Vundabar's technology disrupts

the time-space
field of the tubes.

Otherwise, we would
have just boomed Kalibak

out of the pit, right?

Oh. Right.

Why do I get the feeling

those puppies haven't
had their sh*ts?

So let's give 'em a few.

Not bad.

She always this free
with the compliments?

Come on.

So do we just knock, or...?

It's...

It's all different.

Why, Scott, why?

All of the others obey Granny,

love Granny,

but you, you just
keep trying to escape.

And I'll...

never stop.

Scott? Change of plans.

You two stay put out here.

I'll go in and get Kalibak.

No way. I'm coming too.

We both are. Listen to me.

They've changed the whole
architecture of this place

since the last time I was here.

All my plans are out the window.

Who needs plans?

I've always been a
spontaneous kind of guy.

Neither of you
signed on for this.

Actually, I did, the
day I married you.

Well, I'm not that committed,

but I'm with ya.

All right, then, into the pit.

Ah, this should be
a magnificent show,

even if I already
know the ending.

So you two grew up around here?

This cesspool of a
world was all I knew.

I was one of Granny's blind
and brainwashed puppets

until Scott cut my strings.

Robots.

I love smashing robots!

No, you've got something
more important to do.

Search this prison
and find Kalibak.

Will you two be all...?

Okay.

Come on, ugly,
move that hairy butt.

It's humiliating to be
rescued by your enemy.

As humiliating as being
Verman Vundabar's pet?

Well, if it isn't my
treacherous stepbrother.

And his cow.

Arrogant worm. How dare you...

Knock it off!

What are you guys, 12?

I can't believe I'm
the mature one here.

He's right. We've
got bigger problems.

VUNDABAR: Indeed you do, fools.

Much bigger. And, oh,

how I will delight
in watching you fail.

Very interesting.

But futile.

The enemy of my enemy

is my friend.

At least for the moment.

Again and again you try, Scott.

And again and again
Granny stops you.

Give up.

Give in to hate
and hopelessness.

Give in to Granny.

I'd rather die.

If that's your preference.

Go!

Come on, Scott.

Scott. Scott!

Enjoying your bath, Mr. Miracle?

Here at Casa de Vundabar,
we provide everything,

including your very last breath.

Oh.

You think you're
so special, Scott.

That you're different from
Granny's other children.

But you're not.

If anything, you're
just a little slower.

You see, they learned years ago

that their lives
are meaningless,

that hope is a lie.

And you've just figured it out.

No, you're the liar.

There's always hope.

You'll never escape.

Yes, I will!

He'll get me out of this.

I know he'll get me out of this.

Don't worry, he gets
out of everything, right?

So far.

Saved by a female.

Guess you better drop him.

Kidding!

Got room for one more?

There's a shortcut
at the bottom.

Wait a minute, how did you
get out of that water thing?

Trade secret.

The whole world is a
prison, you dum-dums,

and escape is not an option.

Voilà, the way out.

Now what?

Now we make miracles.

No, no, no, allow me.

Flash!

What?

Don't be so cocky.

Vundabar's not done with us yet.

Hope you're happy.

Indeed, I am.

Shouldn't we...?

And spoil their fun?

There's only one
way to stop them now.

Blow up the entire complex!

COMPUTER: Ten, nine,

eight, seven,

Not liking the sound
of that. Six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

Oh, Scott, you didn't
let Granny down.

When I heard the X
Pit had been destroyed,

I thought for certain you
and dear Kalibak were lost.

How did you manage to get out?

Ask him.

Trade secret.

Enough of this. Where is Oberon?

Ah, yes,

that mouthy little pip-squeak
was very rude to Granny.

And he's going to
be taught a lesson.

See? What did I tell you?

People are so predictable.

Try not to think about

where you've got Oberon hidden.

Darkseid's old
palace. I'll guide you.

He's safe.

Good, because now I can...

I'm sorry, but you can't.

The power struggle
must continue here.

A curse on both their houses.

Indeed.

Feel free to
applaud at any time.

Aw, it's good to
see you, old friend.

It's good to see me too.

All the trouble we had to
go through because of you.

All legs and no heart.

You're just too
far away to hear it.

How?

Granny never failed
with any of them.

How did she fail with him?

Oh, one last thing.

Flash? Yeah, I know, I know,

I went behind your back.

But look how
everything turned out.

We boomed back here for you,

the switch went off perfectly,

and now we've got
Kalibak locked up on Earth

where neither side can use him.

You don't... So, yeah,

I did go behind your back,

but you know what?

I'd do it again.

What do you say
to that, big guy?

I was only going to ask

if you wanted to
play Brawlin' Bots.

Dibs on the green one.

I wanted the green one.