01x03 - Black & Blue

[bunniefuu]

[Russian accent] You give argyle meth, we give g*ns.

Anybody ever tell you, you sound like that motherfuckin' vampire

that count sh*t on Sesame Street? That purple son of a bitch.

That's ridiculous. Now let's get down to business.

- One g*n, ha ha ha! - [thunder cracks]

Two g*ns! Ha ha ha!

The deal's about to go down, Fitz. Weapons out.

What the hell? That is not a w*apon.

It's a piccolo.

And it is a w*apon in the w*r against my PTSD.

My therapist says, and I quote, "Playing this piccolo

will keep you from losing your sh*t."

Your therapist that owns a music store?

Technically he just works the counter.

Ha ha ha!

[laughter]

Why you laugh at me? I like to count.

Calm the f*ck down, Vladimir,

or I'm Putin a b*llet in your ass.

Robbie, you assh*le, I said that joke to you on the way here,

and you stole it.

[groans]

Fitz, not yet! Don't blow it!

Sorry, Gina, I have to.

Dr. Larry says it's thera-flute-tic.

It's not even a real word.

Aah!

[plays cheerful tune]

[g*nf*re]

- Ugh! - [piccolo continues]

- Oooh! Ow! - [piccolo and g*nf*re continue]

Aargh!

Ugh!

- [buzzing sound] - Ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da!

[piccolo music continues]

Oh! Ughhh!

See, Gina? This new piccolo therapy saved the day.

I feel just fine. And by the way, I do take requests.

Shove it up your assh*le, you g*dd*mn twat waffle!

Sorry I don't know any Anne Murray.

- Aagh! - Aaagh!

[g*nf*re]

- Argh! - Aagh!

- Hey! - Grr!

[dog exhales smoke]

♪ I really like hard dr*gs I like to smoke 'em up ♪

♪ I like to sh**t 'em up... ♪

Oh, what the hell, my key's not workin'.

That's right, b*llet, I changed the lock.

I know you've been snorting up all the contraband.

[chuckling] What? Me?

I never snort...

Atchoo!

Oh! Holy sh*t! Anyone else feel like walking to Las Vegas? Aagh!

[groans]

You don't have access to the evidence room anymore.

So, clean up your act, Arfie Lange.

- Okay. How could you tell I was using? - [thump]

Let's just say there were signs.

Everyone, meet the black chick I hooked up with last night.

She let me put it in all three holes.

[mystery tune]

Dad, now we've got Russian mobsters trading g*ns for argyle meth.

This thing's growing. Terry Two Toes wasn't the kingpin, after all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great job, Encyclopedia Brownhole.

- I don't have time for this sh*t. - Chief, there's a 1-8-7 downtown.

A 10-46 out by the interstate, and Hopson's got a number two in progress.

And it's a humdinger. [farts loudly]

Who's gonna change my diaper?

- Not it! - Not it!

Not... Oh, g*dd*mn it!

[handbarrow grinding]

Oh, don't puke, don't puke. Eugh!

Oh, those white pubes. Looks like David Letterman's beard down there.

Ooh, I say it looks like Betty White with a dead snake in her mouth.

Oh!

Oh! Ow! Eugh, oh!

Mother of God, I can't take anymore!

Listen, Hopson, I'm sending you on an assignment.

A secret undercover mission to this nursing home.

There's, uh... nefarious activity going on there. I...

I need you to get to the bottom of it.

Whoo-hoo!

I finally get an assignment.

Hey, if I'm going undercover, I should wear a wire, right?

Oh, yes, of course.

Test, test...

Can... you... hear... me... Chief?

Loud and clear.

- Thanks for doing me a solid, Hopson. - I'm doing you one, but it ain't a solid.

Hey... [farts loudly]

Oh, it's like I sat in a bowl of raw eggs.

Not it! b*llet, get Hopson out of here. Drive him down to the nursing home.

Hook me up with a smidge of coke first? A dog's gonna drive, he should be alert.

[shouts] Get out!

Oh, Hopson, if you get in any distress, just give 'em this.

[piccolo music]

Chief, I want this pickle-dicked, piccolo player off the force!

Untie your panties, Jabowski, 'cause that's not happening.

Race relations in Paradise are better than ever since we hired Officer Blackie.

Then Blackie d*ed and we hired Fitzgerald.

Blackie, we miss you long time.

He's as useless as a one-inch dildo. He doesn't even carry a g*n.

Look, Gina, PTSD doesn't go away, overnight.

I'm trying different therapies, but I haven't packed heat

since the Chicago incident.

- It was 2014, Christmas Day. - [sad piano soundtrack]

My partner and I were responding to a call.

There was a shark loose at the b*mb factory.

[shouts] Fitz, nobody gives a sh*t about your flashback!

Yeah, and no more of this PTSD crap.

It's not real. It's an excuse for being a p*ssy.

Yeah, like all them kids faking Down syndrome.

They just squint, eat pigeons, and get their own Olympics.

Either Fitz gets his sh*t together and carries a g*n,

so I have some backup out there, or I quit.

All right, you got me. I ate the pigeons!

Gina, if it's that important to you, I...

I'll try to carry a g*n.

Fine, but do you remember

the Paradise PD police g*n safety motto?

- We ain't got no g*n safety motto. - Correct.

- Oh! - [loud crunch]

Don't judge me!

Hello, I'm Dr. Johann.

Oh, what a surprise to see a young man like you here.

I didn't think high school let out this early.

Ha ha! Yeah, that's stupid.

Hey, this is my, uh... it's my grandfather or some sh*t, his name's Stanley...

[shouts] Sparkles! Mr. Merky Sparkles is my name.

I'm undercover! Wink, wink.

Okay, well, see you in hell, Merky.

[sniffs]

Wait. Hold on, is that...? Oh!

Vicodin? Percocet?

OxyContin?

Fifi? Fifi, is that you?

I haven't seen you since I was a little girl.

Yep, that's me, Feces the poodle. Woof woof.

Anyway, listen, just gonna help myself to some of these puppy treats.

Oh, Fifi, I'm gonna make you look so purty.

I'm gonna tie these ribbons in your hair.

Tie one around my arm, real tight, too, would you?

Okay, Gerald, you can do this.

Just make sure I don't overreact... [gasps]

[shouts] Drop the Kn*fe or I'll blow your head off, bitch!

Oh, stay cool, Fitz, just a little white boy cutting up spaghetti.

Oh, sh*t! It's Darth Vader with a flamethrower!

- [leaf blower roars] - [miam miam]

Forget this mess, I'm outta here!

[mystery tune]

Who's there? Oh, sh*t! [shouts] Drop the g*n, m*therf*cker!

[g*nsh*t] No, not my d*ck!

Oh, thank God it wasn't my d*ck. [chuckles]

Man, that was embarrassing. Ha ha!

Good thing, no one was around to see it.

[news theme music plays]

No, not my d*ck!

"No, not my d*ck."

The words of yet another innocent black man sh*t by a cop.

More on this expl*sive story, after these messages.

Lobstoberfest is almost here... at Red Lobster.

- I can't believe this sh*t! - Ooh, I know!

Lobstoberfest is almost here! I hope my tux still fits.

[shouts] Not that, you fat tub of monkey sh*t!

Oh, Fitzgerald, how could you be so stupid?

How the hell did they get my dashcam footage?

I don't care about that. They're calling us r*cist.

Like they always do when cops sh**t an innocent minority.

That's insane. I sh*t myself.

Well, that's why you're the only one who can clean this up.

- Go on the news and straighten this out. - [phone rings]

- Paradise PD. - Chief, it's Hopson.

You were right. This place is up to no good.

They fed me some green slime and now my memory's gone.

- That's Jell-O, and Alzheimer's. - And get this!

They fed me some green slime and now my memory's gone.

Yeah, you already said... Just stay in there investigating until, uh...

Jesus comes to pick you up.

[theme music plays]

We're here with Paradise PD officer Gerald Fitzgerald,

who made national headlines, when he sh*t an innocent black man.

[chuckles] Oh, this is funny. Let me clear this up.

I accidentally sh*t myself.

So what you're saying is you, a police officer...

Mm-hm.

...sh*t an innocent black man.

I mean, technically, yes, but you see, I was the black man.

Oh, so now you're changing your story. That's what you cops do.

Hold up, now. Why are you attacking me?

Same reason that black thug att*cked you; because you're a cop.

As far as I'm concerned, you're a hero.

- He's not a hero, he is a r*cist. - Oh, yeah?

Well, I just learned the black man he sh*t also had a g*n.

Of course he did. I mean, I did. I mean...

Well, that confirms it; the sh**ting victim,

known on the streets as G-Fitz, was armed.

Where did you get that name? Did you make that up?

Justice for G-Fitz!

No, not my d*ck! No, not my d*ck!

[several voices arguing]

[man] You shut your mouth!

And... we're clear.

Great job, Officer G-Fitz.

I got a feeling that didn't go so well.

- [loud fart] - The f*ck?

Yeah, I moonlight as a green screen.

I had Chris Pratt climbing up and down my taint,

for two days, sh**ting Jurassic World.

[chanting] Black Lives Matter. Black Lives Matter.

Black Lives Matter.

You see, FItzgerald, this situation is, uh...

Well, it's kind of, like, if I asked you to tidy up my house

and then instead, you urinated in my refrigerator.

- Why did you piss on my baby carrots? - Oh, Chief, that was me.

It's a power thing.

Why don't you power walk your fat ass outside and calm those protesters down?

Yes, sir! I'll set them fartknockers straight!

See how confident, a little carrot pissing makes me?

I've been saying it for weeks, this PTSD-bag screws up everything.

He's gotta go, which is why I leaked his dashcam footage.

What the f*ck, Gina?

You say you support cops and you d*ck over your own partner?

You're not a cop, you're a f*cking flautist.

Everyone calm down.

We can't afford to let this escalate.

Randall, you've handled this as poorly as our tenth wedding anniversary.

God! You drive a woman all the way to Tijuana

for a live, donkey, sex show

and you never even get a thank you.

I didn't know I was going to be in it!

[Dusty] He-e-e-elp!

There's nothing good inside of me. Please stop!

Those protesters are correct.

To show we're on their side,

I'm holding a huge rally at the county fair

in support of Black Lives Matter.

Well, Karen, maybe you don't support cops, but I do!

I'm gonna hold a counter-rally and invite all of Blue Lives Matter.

[together] I expect you to appear at my rally!

Oh, how am I supposed to be at two rallies?

- This sh*t is stressing me out. - Don't worry, I'll help you.

I know how to keep them happy. Play both sides and it all turns out okay.

- [phone rings] - Paradise PD.

Chief, I've uncovered a huge prostitution ring,

but they're really bad at being hookers.

They give you a sponge bath, but then they don't finish the job,

[shouts] no matter how much money you offer!

They say things like, "No, Mr. Sparkles," and "Put that away,"

and "It looks like Betty White holding a dead snake in her mouth."

Will you stop calling me?

Argh!

Protests, over a police sh**ting of a black man,

continue in the inbred, ironically named hick town of Paradise,

where streets are filled, with the now-familiar chant,

of "No, not my d*ck!"

This G-Fitz guy is not the innocent character

the lamestream media has painted him to be.

I've acquired this exclusive file photo that shows how incredibly menacing he is.

I pity the fool who messes with that guy.

Why is no one talking about the real story here?

What about the many connections I've uncovered

between Officer Fitzgerald and G-Fitz?

They're both from Chicago, both went to the same high school,

and both grew up watching Bullwinkle cartoons,

which featured, [chuckles] get this,

Russian oligarch Boris Badenov,

seen here lighting a cartoon b*mb with Donald Tr*mp Jr.

Oh, you look so purty, Fifi.

Can I trim your hair and dye you pink?

Uhh, yeah, oh...

f*ck, whatever.

b*llet, listen to me. I saw something terrifying.

I tried calling the chief, but he won't answer.

And this bitch won't stop knitting cat sweaters out of my wire.

Get your own, you old c**t!

[wheelchair grinding]

[swallowing]

- What? - There's a door marked "Employees Only."

I saw 'em lead an old woman down there,

so I followed behind when they weren't looking.

They took her to the basement, and... they're doing things to the seniors!

This sounds like when you thought the geezers in the game room

were transmitting Soviet nuke codes, like B-9 and O-32.

Bingo! But this is even worse.

There you are, Mr. Sparkles.

Come on, now, time for your sponge bath.

Oh, all right.

But, how about you finish the damn job this time, Dr. Cocktease?

[cheering]

[chanting] Blue lives matter.

"No, not my d*ck. No, not my d*ck."

Kevin, man, do you really think we can pull this off?

Of course. Okay, get ready, Dad's introducing you.

And now I want to bring out a damn good cop,

who I am proud to serve alongside,

Officer Gerald Fitzgerald.

[cheering]

Mom's introducing you. Quick, put this on!

Let's all show our support to the innocent victim

of a senseless police sh**ting,

G-Fitz!

[cheering]

- Hey, hoss, when y'all gonna be finished? - [pigs grunting]

4-H Club is supposed to announce their prize-winning hog.

I... I'm kinda busy here.

What the hell is Old MacDonald doing here?

No time to explain. Take off the hoodie, and get back on Dad's side.

- Go, go, go, go! - Get off me!

Ugh!

g*dd*mn, where did all these pigs come from?

I swear to God I will k*ll every one of you motherfuckin' pigs!

[gasps]

What the hell are you doing?

Ugh! I can't see. All I see is black and I hate it!

[angry muttering]

[gasps]

- Boo! - Boo!

[news theme music]

Stunning allegations emerged that Officer Gerald Fitzgerald

is a Klansman.

If anyone has been hurt, go see Kyle, the medic.

Yeah, over there. See Kyle! See Kyle!

And here, to weigh in, is every white person we could find,

who thinks they're an expert on race.

- [all talk at once] - [woman] Everybody, just calm down, okay?

[man] I thought Black Panther sucked!

[all talk]

[applause on tv]

She's got medical marijuana? Thank God for glaucoma.

[coughs loudly]

Oh, oh, sh*t!

That's like sucking off Willie Nelson.

[coughs]

Ho ho ho! Where's Hopson? I'll blow this in his face, and watch him freak out.

Hey, have you seen that resident talking to the PCRN?

Hopson... I mean, Merky Sparkles.

Hmm, mm-mm-mm...

I have no record of a Merky Sparkles, ever being here.

Really?

[mystery tune]

[door grinds and bangs]

- [bubbling] - [intense mystery tune]

Oh, sh*t.

[bubbling]

- Aaaaagh! - Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

[coughs]

Aaaaagh!

[angry shouting]

Ow, ow, ow, oh!

Whenever a brick crashes through the window, it reminds me of my mama.

Every year on my birthday she'd make me tuck my thingamajiggers between my legs,

call me an ugly fat woman, and throw bricks at my head.

Oh, Mama.

Dad, I'm a little worried about Fitz.

I don't think he's holding up too well.

I hear voices, coming from the TV.

[plays cheerful tune]

They say, I'm two different people.

[plays tune]

Am I?

[plays tune]

Ah, that flutecake is the least of my worries.

It's the third straight day of riots. Race relations have never been worse.

Your mother's on the way here and she is gonna be up my ass.

Randall, I've been up your ass.

It's one of the most unpleasant things I ever let you talk me into.

Calm down, you'll get your mother's watch back, someday.

Karen, you and your protesters have blown this thing completely out of proportion.

I agree. It's time we ended this insanity.

- Really? - Yes. You're the victim here, Fitz.

Thank you.

That's why I'm placing the officer who sh*t you under arrest.

Gina, please handcuff Officer Fitzgerald.

Wait. [shouts] What the f*ck?

Fitz, I gotta do it. Don't make this difficult.

Hand over your g*n, your badge... and your piccolo.

No, not my piccolo.

It's the only thing that's holding me together.

All your belongings, Fitzgerald.

You will stand trial for this heinous sh**ting.

[he sobs and whimpers]

Fitz, I know it seems bad, but you'll be all right.

I ain't Fitz, I'm a chicken.

[laughs maniacally]

[clucks]

Quack quack! Chucky-ducky quack quack!

Looks like somebody ordered a case of the Mondays.

- [glass smashes] - Ouch!

[woman] Happy birthday, Dusty!

Mama loves her ugly little fat woman!

[Dusty] Thanks, Mama!

[TV theme music]

All rise for the Honorable Judge Judge.

Yes, my name is Judge Judge.

My parents thought it would be funny to name their son Judge,

when they already had the surname Judge.

Yeah, my parents were potheads,

and I became a judge to put them away.

So, now I'm Judge Judge Judge, Jr.

- Where's the defendant? - He ain't here, Judge Judge Judge, Jr.

- But I am. - [music]

What the hell are you doing? You're not an attorney!

No, but I just saw a courtroom sketch of an old episode of Hee-Haw.

Your Honor, this is gonna be an open and shut case.

Now, I'd like to present my briefs.

Order in the court!

I'll take a super-size number two with a Sunkist.

And Your Honor, I'd like to make a motion.

Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh!

The defense rests.

[snores]

I will not tolerate old-timey comedy routines in my courtroom.

Now where's Fitzgerald?

- [door bangs] - [b*at music]

[different voice] I ain't Fitzgerald. My name is G-Fitz, bitch!

[split personality] You shut the hell up, thug. I am Officer Fitzgerald.

I will put another b*llet in your black ass.

Ooh, ah!

Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho!

♪ Michael Bublé's got a big old d*ck ♪

[different voice] Michael Bublé got a little young d*ck.

Chief, I may have been wrong about this whole, you know, PTSD thing.

She's right, Dad. Shouldn't we do something to intervene?

Intervene?

This is the most entertaining thing I've seen since The Good Wife finale.

That's right, I liked The Good Wife.

I once let Karen put her hand up my butt. You're learning a lot about me this week.

Mr. Fitzgerald, can you point out the man who sh*t you?

[different voice] Yeah, it was that punk-ass cop, right there.

- [split personality] I was unarmed. - No, you pulled a g*n on me.

What?

Bailiff, restrain that two-bit Two-Face.

- Pepsi. - Coke.

- Ass. - Titties.

- Slytherin! - Hufflepuff!

- Hey. - Ow!

Brad Tits, come with me.

You know, that song is catchy.

♪ Michael Bublé's got a big old d*ck ♪

Oh, ah, oh...

[he pants]

- Hello, Fifi. - Agh!

I see you've discovered our little secret. Mm-hm!

Uh... I guess so?

You're turning old people into fish so you can, uh...

I... I've been pretty turnt-up all day, man. I don't know.

[breaths deeply] You poor fool. We're doing important work here.

We graft the DNA of sea creatures onto the bodies of senior citizens,

because, really, who cares?

Then, we harvest the growths.

- For what? - For Red Lobster.

W-w-wait. Red Lobster... is old people?

Turns out, the greatest generation is also the most delicious.

[evil laughter]

Besides, you think we could afford to sell a real lobster for only $7.99?

[shouts] That's disgusting!

It doesn't taste disgusting, it tastes awesome, but it's wrong!

Oh, when I get out of here I'm telling everyone!

You could do that, but that would mean no more Red Lobster, ever.

Or you could keep our little secret and let us continue

to harvest seafood off the elderly, forever.

And in exchange, I'd give something to you.

These two-for-one coupons for your next Red Lobster meal.

Just in time for Lobstoberfest.

I should take down these assholes, but...

man, I could f*ck up some Red Lobster, right now.

Fitz, don't do this!

- Shut up, cr*cker! - You can't talk to my friend that way!

Oh, yeah? I'm taking you hostage, bacon grease.

- [screaming] - [woman] Oh, my God, he's got a g*n!

[different voice] Yeah, that's right. How you like me now?

Ha ha ha! How you like me now? You didn't know I was armed, did you?

[different voice] Nobody move. He's coming with me.

Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa.

Bl-bl-bleuh! Ooh!

You're watching CNN,

where a rogue cop has just taken a black man hostage.

You're watching FOX News,

where an angry black thug has kidnapped a police officer.

Aaagh!

[different voice] Oh, look at that white ass.

Don't look at that white ass, look at them white titties.

Shut up, you psycho, and get your black ass and titties in the car!

[tires screech]

[helicopter whirs]

Gina, I know we're in a rush,

but there's a DQ right there and I really need me some Blizzard.

- I want a Heath bar. - f*ck you.

We gettin' a Strawberry CheeseQuake.

[tires screech]

[engine revs up]

Gina, what exactly is the plan, here?

It's no use trying to outrun the media. They're simply too powerful!

We don't have to outrun them. Fitzgerald, I started this mess,

and I know how to finish it. But you have to do exactly as I say.

We better do something, quick. They get pretty worked up.

Look at Anderson Cooper.

[heavy rock music]

Dusty, grab that leather bag from the back of the truck.

It's got everything we need.

[tires screech]

[gasps]

Oh! New World Order!

Oh! 9/11 was an outside job!

Oh! Fake news, false flags,

chemtrails.

Okay, I-I'm not sure what to make of, uh, this.

It appears that a black Tr*mp supporter has mounted a morbidly obese,

Muslim, transgender member of... of the NRA

while she's performing an abortion on a pro-life, pro-gay n*zi?

We, here at FOX, support parts of this?

I... I don't... I'm not...

[speechless]

The rainbow is good, but not on a swastika, right?

[pants]

[shouts] Can someone, please, connect this to Russia?

Anybody?

[squeaks]

[woman] My God, I think they just broke cable news.

Confused, can't... inflame issues.

Must... mislead... the masses.

I... can't... can't...

[distorted voice] ...twist to fit agenda.

Go to commercial! Go to commercial!

Lobstoberfest is finally here!

With all the shrimp, scallops, and lobster you could eat for $7.99.

Guys, a toast, to the media packin' up and leaving Paradise.

Thank God this whole nightmare's over.

And to b*llet, for taking us all to Red Lobster to celebrate.

Hey, don't mention it, all right? I had some two-for-one coupons.

- Hopson, aren't you gonna eat? - No!

- Those are my friends. - Oh, man, we're out of scallops?

Hey, there's the heroes who saved our town.

Anybody hungry?

Ooh, what the fart do you think? Move!

Excuse I.

[loud tucking in sounds]

Hey, psycho, I... got something for you.

Oh, my piccolo! Ha ha!

Oh, baby, I got you back!

I'm gonna blow you good, tonight.

But for now, that's the only thing I'm carrying in my holster.

I'm a piccolo-packing cop, and you all just have to accept that.

But, Gina, let me ask you, why did you help me back there?

Because I owed you, okay?

I should have taken your PTSD seriously.

And I should have stuck up for you, 'cause you're my partner.

It was pretty hot watching you hump Dusty.

Made my hoo-ha drool like R. Kelly outside a Gymboree.

You make me uncomfortable. You make me... very uncomfortable.

Okay, Hopson, it's almost time to get you back to the nursing home.

Ugh! Oh, all right, all right, you can stay!

[series theme music playing]

Aaaagh!