01x14 - sh**t

[bunniefuu]

As I said before,

a man is safe in the shadow
of the flower of the Himalayas.

The light of Asia
shines in my inner being.

Yeah?

Well, your inner
being better stand by

because if you come up with a
couple more answers like that,

you're not going to be safe

under the shadow
of a sequoia tree!

I am the Maharaji Jehru.

You're Harry Sampler.

That's the name
on the rap sheet!

Perhaps...

in a different life.

Uh, Harry, you're irritating
Detective Starsky here.

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

There's a 19-year-old girl in
the hospital. She's in a coma.

Hey, come on.

You did it to her or
had her put there,

and I'm not going to
let up until you admit it!

Let go! You stay out of this!

Stay out of this!

Not the chair.
Starsk. Not the chair.

That creep's holding firm.

No, I don't think so.

I think you're
starting to get to him.

You know, you can get
pretty scary when you get mad.

Yeah?

Almost broke my back in there.

It must be all those
"Bella Lugoosi" movies

I saw when I was a kid.

Starsky, it's Bela Lugosi.

Well, Lugoosi, Lugosi.

I just hope he cracks soon.

I'm starved.

You might not be so hungry
if you ate the right food.

Oh, well, maybe it's all that
organic Japanese seaweed

I had for lunch.

Couldn't have been the sardines

you had for breakfast.

Isn't it about time you
went back in there?

Yeah.

Hey, what about tonight?

Why don't we come
back to my place

and scramble up some eggs, huh?

Hey, dinner. Not breakfast.
What about some Italian food?

No, I want to go
home. It's liable to rain.

I know a great
Italian restaurant

down by the docks, you know?

Fantastic. It's run
by an old family...

Oh...

You can smoke
if you want, Harry.

It is against the teachings.

You know your rights.
You can have a lawyer.

But I... I am not guilty.

You know something, Harry?

I really hate to see this
kind of a thing happen.

You know, the last time

that my partner
got riled like that,

they almost threw
him off the force,

and they would have too,

but at the last moment, the
guy managed to pull through.

Yes, but...

I... I am innocent.

Oh, Harry, we've
got you cold turkey.

Let me explain something
about my partner.

Now, you see,

he's going to come back in
here, and he'll be very calm.

He'll apologize, smile...

and then he's gonna ask me

to go get a cup
of coffee for him.

Now, he knows that
the cafeteria in this place

is in the basement.

It's going to take
me five or six minutes

to get down there
and back up here.

Now, that's a long time
to be in the same room

with a man...

who's as angry as he is.

You understand
what I'm talking about?

I... I am sustained by the faith

of... of the white
snows of India.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I sure hope so.

Well, Harry...

it seems I got a little excited.

Hope I didn't tangle
your chains, huh?

Ah.

Let me tell you
something, Harry.

Hutch and I don't have
anything to do tonight,

and if it's important to you,

we are willing to
take all night, right?

Oh, you got a date
tonight, don't you?

Yeah. Whatever you want to do.

See?

Hey, how about a cup of coffee?

Hmm?

It's your turn. It's his turn.

You really want a cup of coffee?

Yeah. Don't you want
a cup of coffee, Harry?

Hey, hey. Hey, wait a minute.

I mean, you're not gonna

leave me alone with
this guy, are you?

Well, that's up to you, Harry.

Hey, what's the matter?
You don't like coffee?

All right. All right.

But you got to believe me.

I mean, I was stoned
out of my head.

I didn't know what I
was doing, all right?

You guys, you got to understand.

I... I mean, she
came right for me.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Yeah, okay.

I'm not kidding you, man.
You gotta believe me.

I swear to you, I didn't
know what I was doing, man.

This chick just came to me.

This is Detective Hutchinson,
interrogation room seven.

Can you send a
stenographer up here?

We'll have a statement
from Mr. Harry Sample.

Thompson to setbacks,

hand-off to Reader,

big hole, across the 30...

That's it! Do it,
do it, do it, do it!

Run out of bounds on the 32...

All right!

And there's the g*n
ending the first half

with the score
Bulls 24, Stags 17.

Hey, halftime.

Boy, this is some
great game, huh?

Outcome still in doubt?

Oh, no.

I told you, this game
was taped last week.

The Bulls, they were...

Oh.

You got me, huh?

What's the matter,
Mr. Smart Man, huh?

Mr. Intellectual.

Ain't you ever read one
of those books of yours

more than once?

Touché, Joey. Touché.

I just wish that damn
phone would ring.

It will ring.

Yeah, well, it's been
three days already, man.

Three days!

I'm not even supposed
to be in this state, man.

I got warrants out on me.

Just do what you're told

and you'll have
nothing to worry about.

I'm going to tell you
something else, you know?

I think this whole idea of you

wanting to hit Monte in a
restaurant is a little wacko.

It's the only place

Monte goes without his soldiers.

Consequently, Joey,

it's the only place we
can get a good sh*t at him.

So why don't you go back

to your halftime
festivities, Joey?

You wouldn't want to
miss your boom-boom girls

and your marching bands.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well it's a lot better

than reading that
garbage that you read.

Answer it, answer it!

Yes?

This is Theresa De Fusto.

Yes, Theresa?

Mr. Monte will be
here at midnight.

Are you absolutely
sure of the time?

Yes. I took the call myself.
He'll be here at 12:00 sharp.

Well, then, in that case,

I want a reservation for two.

Here we go, Joey.

Anything else you want?

You know what I want.

Not tonight, Jimmy.

Listen, honey,

you're going to break

this little old
linebacker's heart

with talk like that.

Well, maybe you'd better call

the next time you come
all the way out here.

Please, Jimmy, go home.

Theresa...

you've been on me every
minute since I came in.

Hey, now, if it's
something that I've done...

Oh, no, it's nothing
you've done.

I just have problems.

They're personal.

You know them?

Uh, no.

Jimmy, please leave.

I want to close early tonight.

But the old man's still
in the kitchen, cooking.

He's making a special
order for a special customer.

Jimmy, I'll quit
early tomorrow night,

and we'll go to a movie.

I want to be alone tonight.

How about a little
service here, miss?

Right away.

I'm Tom Lockly.
You must be Theresa.

This is my pal.

I trust there's no
change in the schedule?

No, he'll be here at midnight.

Good. Then I think we
have time for a nice dinner.

You are gonna love this place.

I mean, I want you to look
at the atmosphere, huh?

Have you ever seen
anything so old?

You think we can find a table?

Why, here's a table right here.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Excuse me.

Surely.

Now what... what's
bothering you?

Something, something
bothering you?

Those two geese that
just walked in the door

are cops.

Are you sure? What
do you mean, am I sure?

I told you I got
warrants out on me.

It's almost closing time.

We really don't have much left.

Whatever you
got, I bet it's good,

even if it's not on the menu.

You'll have to
excuse my friend here.

What would you recommend?

Veal piccata.
Linguini with clams.

I'll have the veal.

I'll have the linguini
with the clams.

All right, veal and linguini.

Do you want some wine with it?

Uh, vino de casa.

Vino de casa.

What's, uh, vino de casa?

They make it themselves.

What?

Wine. House wine.

Oh, hey.

Hey, I told you
you'd like this place.

You know what it reminds me of?

Yeah, the restaurant

your grandmother
used to live over

when you were a kid.

How'd you know that?

Starsky, every time we walk

into an Italian restaurant,

it reminds you of the restaurant
your grandmother lived over

when you were a kid.

Yeah, I guess it does.

Hmm.

I think it's over there.

What?

The john.

Anybody ever tell you

you're a regular
shaft of sunlight?

Where you going?

Play some music. Oh.

That's all right. It's free.

Huh? Oh.

That's it, that's it.
They've made us.

Come on.

Take it easy. Cover that one.

Don't move. I have
a g*n in your back.

Now put both hands
on top of the machine.

Both hands on
top of the machine.

That's right.

Just keep both hands
and don't make any moves.

Now, let's take a walk.
Let's go to the men's room.

Turn around. Turn around.

Hey, hey, hey, this
must be the place.

You're not going
to make it, friend.

Just wanted a drink.

We didn't want any trouble.

Just do what you're told,

and maybe nobody
else will have to be hurt.

They said that only Monte
would be sh*t. Only Monte!

Couldn't be helped.

Now remember, you have
to think of your mother.

Stay where you are.

I don't care what your
business is here tonight.

I'm going over to my partner.

All right, go ahead. Go ahead.

Aah...

I say we waste him.

If you're gonna blow me
away, you'd better do it now.

Joey, the man in the kitchen,
he must have heard the sh*ts.

See if he ran away.

Joey!

The kitchen!

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

It's okay, buddy.
I'm right here.

Hey, Hutch...

Here. Okay.

Hey, we really goofed,
huh? Huh? Huh?

Did you... did you
get the bad guys?

More like they got us.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

How do I look?

How do I look, huh?

Well, one of them bounced
off that thick skull of yours.

The other one...
found your shoulder.

The shoulder?

Yeah.

Is that all? That's all.

Don't go away, huh?

What, now that I
finally got a waitress?

I locked the old
man in the cellar.

He ain't gonna go nowhere.

Hey, I got to get
him to a hospital.

You said yourself it's
only a shoulder wound.

Look, I don't know who you are,

and I don't know
why you're here,

and right now, I
really don't care.

What I do know is

that my buddy here's
got a b*llet in the back,

and unless I get
some help for him now,

you're going to have a
dead cop on your hands.

Do you understand?

Yeah, uh, hey, hey
maybe he's right.

Maybe we ought to get out
of here while we can, huh?

It's too late to
back out now, Joey.

Easy.

Is there any place
we can put him?

Uh, there's an
office back there.

It has a couch in it.

Now, take your
partner into the office.

Joey, there's a back entrance.

Take care of it.

And if there's a
phone, pull it out. Go!

Come on, buddy. Where we going?

I'm going to take you someplace

where you're gonna
be comfortable.

Come on.

Sounds nice. Come on.

Get me some clean
towels, tablecloths, water...

Take it easy,
buddy. Take it easy.

Listen, I could put your friend

out of his misery for him.

Get the hell out of here.

Don't forget, cop,
when you come out,

I want to see your
hands in the clear, huh?

Easy. No, no, don't move.

Oh, it hurts.

Oh, I feel sick.

Just a second.

Good.

All right, one more
time. One more time.

Oh! Hutch, Hutch...

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Hey... what happened?

Would you tell me what happened?

You got sh*t, remember?

No kidding.

Oh, my head.

You got a little crease.

Crease? Hutch? Oh, Hutch.

Where in the hell is that girl?

Get in here with that stuff!

Hey, Hutch? You
sound like Dobey.

Sorry.

Here are the things you wanted.

Put 'em over there.

Take your hand.
Keep pressure on that.

What's your name?

Theresa.

Theresa, some
mess you got us into.

What are you talking about?

"Monte."

"It was only supposed
to be Monte."

I heard you.

You're talking about
Vic Monte, aren't you?

Gangland boss.

You set him up, huh?

No!

You set him up, didn't you?

You don't know how it is.

Well, then, how it it?

Vic Monte had my brother k*lled.

Which brings us
right back to my point.

You set him up.

Well, they can
be very convincing

when they want to be.

Who can?

Your brother was "family," huh?

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I'm right here.

Do you think I wanted
to get involved in this?

My brother was a baby.
He wasn't even 20 years old.

Lady, you better understand

what you've got
yourself involved in.

Take it easy,
buddy. Take it easy.

This is no personal
vengeance k*lling.

Vic Monte is an
important gangland boss,

and those two men out there
are hired out-of-state K*llers.

What you have done is to put us

right in the middle
of a sh**ting w*r.

No! No, it's because
of my brother.

Now, they said Monte
has to pay, and that's why.

Easy, Starsk, easy.

Easy, now. I want
to pick up your head.

Take it easy. Easy, easy.

Easy.

Besides k*lling
people for a living,

I got a feeling those
two guys out there

might lie a little too.

You understand?

Hey, cop! Come out here.

What time is Monte arriving?

Theresa, listen to me, if
not for my partner here,

what about those people
out there, innocent people?

None of those people
are going to get hurt.

Don't be stupid.

You're safe.

They won't touch
you. You're family.

But do you think for one
minute after they've k*lled Monte

they're going to
let the rest of us

walk out of here alive?

Now, what time is
he going to come?

What time?

Midnight!

Hey, cop, I'm not
going to tell you again.

Now, come on out here.

Okay, okay. Now,
listen, you stay in here.

You keep him covered and warm,

and keep his face cool.

If he needs me, you call me.

Yeah.

Hutch...

You don't know
how close you came

to being laid out
with your partner.

All right, Joey, I'll
take it from here.

Go to the bar,

get yourself a drink, and relax.

Go, Joey.

How is he?

He's still alive.

Too bad this all had to happen.

Yeah. Where do you want me?

Take a table up front.

I want you visible
from the front door.

So if Vic Monte comes
in here, sees I'm a cop...

he'll think he's safe.

You're so intelligent
you put it together?

Oh, it doesn't take
much intelligence.

Go.

Hope you like the year.

What's a good-looking
bimbo like you

doing with a toad
like this, huh?

I work for him.

We're going to
Vegas in the morning.

She's my straight
lady. I'm... I'm a comic.

Oh, yeah?

Sammy Grovner.

Who?

Sammy Grovner.
Maybe you heard of me.

No. I ain't.

We just played three weeks
at the Galaxy Bowl-a-rama.

You're really hitting
the big time, huh?

Hey, come on, funny man,

tell me a joke,
make me laugh, huh?

What?

Well, that's what
you get paid for.

That's what you
get paid to do, right?

Tell jokes? Come
on, make me laugh.

Come on, tell me a
joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Monte'll walk in and
see everybody laughing,

having a good time. He
won't think anything's wrong.

Come on, make me laugh, huh?

Well, give me a second to think.

Oh... okay, okay.

There's this bunch
of gangsters, you see?

They're hanging...

This better be funny.

What are you trying
to do, get us k*lled?

Is that what
you're trying to do?

It's a funny joke.
You know it's funny.

Do I have to sit with him?

You came in with him,

you're gonna have
to go out with him.

Hey, that's funny, huh?

Huh?

Some comic.

Next week you're going
to be playing car washes.

I think he needs you.

It's going to be all
right. I know it is.

They'll do what they have
to do, and then they'll leave.

Sure.

Hey, buddy, how
you feeling, huh?

Hey.

Yeah, man. Right here.

What's happening?

Let me check this out.

Well, it looks
like we're sitting

on a bit of powder keg.

Uh-huh?

Yeah. Vic Monte.

Vic Monte?

Yeah. Those two guys out there

are planning to surprise
old Vic with his linguini.

That's not too good.

Yeah, I know. When
they're finished with him,

we're next.

You really know how to
cheer a guy up, don't you?

Well, I do my best.

Here take a bite of that.

It's awful.

Yeah? Okay.

What are we gonna do?

What time you got?

Hey, buddy.

No, it's all right.
It's all right.

Listen. Here. Take
my watch, huh?

Okay.

I've synchronized it with
the wall clock out there.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, what are we
gonna do with it?

All right, it's a long sh*t,

but it's the only chance
we got right now.

Oh.

Um, Joey, the
wild man out there?

He's wound up
tighter than a drum.

He's ready to
explode any minute.

Think you can handle this?

Heave it against that
wall over there? Huh?

Huh? Huh? Easy, easy. Huh?

Give it to me.

Okay. Just give it to me.

All right, now do it and
make a lot of racket.

Lot of racket. Lot of racket.

Hey, hey, listen.

You know, this reminds
me of a film I saw.

Yeah, what?

Yeah, so, you know, the bad guy,

you trip him and his
g*n slips out of his hand.

You grab...

Hey.

Yeah.

You got any plans
after this is all over?

It's up to you.

After we get this
all wrapped up,

we'll go down and knock off
a couple of banks in Bolivia.

Okay.

Hey, when do you want
me to throw the first pitch?

Okay. Five minutes.
Five minutes.

Now, that's going to
give me enough time

to get back to that table
and get into position

without those guys knowing
that anything's coming down.

That's 14 minutes before... 12.

Fourteen to 12.

Okay?

Hey, Hutch.

Hey, next time you
want scrambled eggs,

don't let me talk
you out of it, huh?

It's crazy. It's really crazy.

I'm gonna get out of this.

Yeah, but how? They've
got us nailed here!

I said me, Sammy.

I'm going to get me out of this.

It's really nice to know
you can be counted on.

It's all over for you anyway.

What are you talking
about, all over?

Is Las Vegas all over?

A stinking lounge in a
stinking downtown hotel?

Second bananas to a
second-rate rock group?

It's still Las Vegas,
and it's my sh*t.

Stop dreaming, Sammy.

They're gonna pull
the curtain down.

Only not on me. Not on me!

What should I do? Call a cop?

This seat taken?

No, it's our pleasure.

She's quite a number, ain't she?

You want her for
later, she's all yours.

Don't I do anything for you?

Him? Are you kidding?

You ought to see
this guy's place.

Full of books... It
looks like a library.

I'd rather see yours.

Oh, yeah?

Well, uh...

we could throw the
cop out of the office.

Now?

Why not?

Why not?

Hey, you're really something,

ain't you, huh?

I could be anything
you want me to be.

You're luck... Hold it!

You cheap tramp! Let
me tell you something.

If you were any kind of a broad,

you'd stick with that guy

whether he was a toad or not!

She thought I
fell for that, huh?

She really did.

I suggest you go back
to your table, miss.

Do you mind?

No matter what the move,

it's always the wrong one, huh?

The story of my life.

You know, Sammy's
been good to me...

really good.

So, what do I do?

Tell him to go drown.

Some hood, some two-bit hood,

sees right through me!

I don't know what
it is with men.

I don't understand.

If I don't kiss them
off, they kiss me off.

Why is that? Huh?

C'mon, you're a guy.

Tell me, why is that?

Maybe you have to give a little.

Give a little.

That's funnier than Sammy.

It's not so funny
when it's true, is it?

There's one thing
I can't figure out.

If Vic Monte is supposed
to be as a big a man

as they say he is...

it don't stand to reason,

him letting anybody
get close to him,

close enough to set him up.

Well, about a month

after my brother was k*lled,

some of his friends
came to the house.

They knew I needed a job, so...

And they got you this?

They called me three days ago,

and they told me
that it was Vic Monte

who had my brother k*lled.

They talked about
obligation and honor.

I said I couldn't do it,

and that was when they
mentioned the accident

that my mother would have
if I didn't go along with them.

Your mother?

Whatever happens
in the next minute,

try to stay out of the way.

Stay out of it.

I've had about as
much as a man can take.

Jimmy, don't!

Go back and sit down!

Let go!

Eh?

You lousy bum.

I should have k*lled you
when I had the chance.

Next time, I'm not
going to miss you.

Yeah, when I get a chance,
I ain't gonna miss you.

You don't get no
more chances, big boy.

None of you people
get any more chances.

Joey, will you shut up?

Take him to the cellar

and lock him up
with the old man.

All right, let's go.
Move. Move it!

Now, miss, get
back to your table.

You two sit over there.

Theresa, stay out of this.

He's hurt!

Listen, there's no more
time for making choices.

You understand?

You're either going to
help me or you're not.

What do you want me to do?

Is there a g*n in this
place? I don't know.

Theresa, get away from there.
Get these people some food.

While you're in the
kitchen, check the cellar.

Find out if the old
man has a g*n.

If he does, where he keeps it.

Theresa?

Yeah?

I told everybody to sit down.
What are you whispering about?

Well, before your
trigger-happy pal

got so excited,

I though I heard something
fall back in the office.

I'd like to go check
my partner out.

All right, go ahead,

but first..

That empty holster.
Get rid of it. Now.

The big jerk is locked up.

They say that rain
washes everything clean...

It's going to take a lot of it

before we're through here.

I'm not hungry.

Hutch?

Yeah, I'm right
here. I'm right here.

Hutch?

I'm right here, I'm right here.

Oh, I thought they k*lled you.

Is that what you were
doing on the floor, huh?

I thought I'd tunnel
out, go for help.

How's your arm, huh?

It's fine. Hey, did
you get the bad guys?

I think we still
got them with us.

Oh, terrific.

You sure your
arm's all right? Huh?

Oh, it couldn't be better.

I told you, Gene Autry
gets it there all the time.

How do I look?

Oh, you look terrific.

You bet I do.

Terrific. You want
me to sit you up?

Think you can?

I'll try, you big lug. Come on.

I'll try to help.

Move your legs a little for me.

Oh, okay.

Okay, now, just
hold it right there.

Hold it right there.

What do you want me to do now?

I'll let you know, okay?

Right now I think we've
got them on the run.

There you go.

You just stay right there,
and you take it easy.

I ain't going nowhere.

How is he?

He can't feel a thing.
What about the g*n?

The old man says there is a...

Well, there's sort of a g*n.

What do you mean, sort of?

The part where
you put the b*ll*ts...

The clip.

Is in the back of
the cash register,

and the g*n is under the
bar near the cash register,

but I don't know if it's
going to do any good.

He hasn't used it in years.

He hasn't cleaned it in years.

There's no way we can
find out till we try it, huh?

If we work together,

I think I can get the clip...

but you're going to
have to get the g*n

and bring it back here.
Do you understand?

Can you do it?

Yeah, I think I can. Yeah.

Hey, cop!

Get back to your seat!

Don't push me.

I just want a beer.
My mouth is dry.

I'll bet it is.

You want a beer, you pay for it.

You tell him, Theresa!

Heh, those cops are all alike!

They're all trying to get
something for nothing.

How much?

Fifty cents.

My partner's getting the chills.

I'd appreciate it

if you'd get him
something to warm to drink.

There's some soup already
made out in the kitchen.

I'll pay for it.

Okay?

Okay, but make it fast.

I bet the piggy put
in a buck in the till

and took out a 10-spot, huh?

We should have had children.

What?

If we had kids,

at least someone would care.

A lot of people will care.

Ha! The people we know?

They won't remember
a month from now.

That doesn't say
much for us, does it?

It just about says it all.

No matter what I had.

I mean, if I had pneumonia

or a broken arm or a boil,

my mother always
gave me chicken soup.

That's Jewish penicillin.

Maybe there's a Polish
joke there someplace.

Nobody uses Polish
jokes anymore, Sammy.

I guess you're right.

I got to think of some
class material for Vegas.

I didn't mean it
that way. I'm sorry.

I'm always saying and doing
the wrong things, aren't I?

Listen, in my life, I've made
more mistakes than I can count.

Yeah, so have I.

Sammy, what I did
over there before, that...

that was really
something else, wasn't it?

I'm sorry.

Oh, hey, you...

you only did

what you thought was right.

Please Sammy, don't make
me feel more guilty about it.

Can you say something
funny, make me laugh?

How about... uh...

I love you?

Isn't that a scream?

Hey! Hey!

What do you got there?

Theresa...

I'm ashamed of you.

Why? What's the matter?

It smells so good.

Why didn't you
bring me some, huh?

There's some
more in the kitchen.

If you want some,
you gotta get it yourself.

Three minutes to 12:00.

Yeah, well, this
time, I won't miss.

I think you better get in here.

Hold it, cop!

I want you where I can see you.

I'm going back there,

and you're not going to stop me.

What are you going to
do now? Blow me away?

There's not going to be
time to pick up the pieces

before Vic Monte gets in here.

Oh, beautiful.

Hey, buddy, look
what I got, huh?

A last go-around, huh?

Yeah. From what I understand,

this thing is liable
to go off in my face

as anything.

Well, you always
did want an excuse

to get your teeth capped.

You know something? What?

You look terrible.

Hey, don't let me fool you.

I played Camille in high school.

Yeah.

Now, there's one more
thing I want you to do.

When I walk out of this room,

those guys watch me like a hawk.

What can I do?

Well, I can't walk out
with a g*n in my hand,

and I can't get a
clear sh*t at them

because there are two
people sitting at this table,

so what I want you to do

is to give me a couple of
seconds to get into position.

You want me to
create a diversion.

Yeah. Drop a glass,
throw a tray... anything.

Hey, Hutch. Hey.

Yeah?

Come here.

I was just kidding
about the teeth.

Yeah.

See you.

Theresa!

Call an emergency operator.

Get the police and ambulance

and a coroner's wagon down here.

It's all over, partner.

No, it ain't. Hey?

What's that?

I'm hungry.

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls...

to answer the many
thousands of inquires

as to what Detective
David Michael Starsky

has been doing in his off-time

while recovering
from his g*nsh*t injury,

I now present the
latest graduates

of the Sammy Grovner
School of Hilarious Humor:

Starsky and Hutch.

Hello, hello, hello. I've
got a dog without a nose.

Really? How does he smell?

Terrible.

I warned you.

What do you wanna do,
run out of your own house?

Did you hear about the woman
who got hurt taking a milk bath?

No, what happened?

Cow slipped, fell on her head.

Hello, hello, hello. Hello.

Do I hear music?

That's not music.
That's just mice.

Oh, you dummy,

mice can't play
musical instruments

Didn't you ever
hear of a "mice-stro"?

Hello, hello, hello. Hello.

Did you hear about the
guy going through Customs?

Asked if he had any
p*rn literature.

No. What happened?

He said, "I don't even
own a p*rn."

We are k*lling them.

We are knocking them dead,
man, knocking them dead.

♪ Ha-cha-cha-cha
Ha-cha-cha-cha ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic.

Ooh, boy. Ah, man I
told you they'd work.

Tell you what. What?

I'm gonna go out there and
get them ready for the next set.

Fantastic, fantastic idea.

Don't forget the gorilla joke.

Hey, I won't forget
nothing. Good luck.

You're the tops.
You're the tops.

Oh, I love you. Ha-cha-cha-cha.

I'm knocking 'em dead.

We are knocking 'em dead.

I've got to warn you, if you
people don't start laughing,

I'm going to join a club

and hit you over
the head with it.

Did you ever get the feeling
you're all alone in the world?

Nobody loves you?